|Reviews for Skyscrapers and Rose Bud Moons|
| Gilee7 chapter 1 . 2/17/2006
-It all started after we lost the Super Bowl.- Excellent opening sentence. I really wasn't expecting this story to have ANYTHING to do with the Superbowl. This was certainly an attention-grabber.
-Drowned out night rain and Liddy unnaturally glued to the technicolor of the hazy television set.- Incredibly awkward sentence; doesn't even seem complete. "Drowned out night rain" is what makes the sentence sound so awkward.
-She had a beer in her hand and although the bar was overly crowded I could hear the drumming of her thumbs as she tapped them against the glass.- You might want to think about putting a comma in there somewhere.
-During the half time show I took to walking the streets.- But that means you missed the Rolling Stones! And I think "halftime" is one word.
-Anxious fingers gripping to the shaft of a cigarette butt.- This isn't a complete sentence; it should be connected to either the sentence that precedes or the sentence that follows. You do this a lot in this story, though, so it eventually sounds normal and not like a mistake.
-Hands buried in the pockets of my trench coat, I didn’t want to go back in but I could sense that Liddy was wondering.- I don't care too much for the latter part of that sentence; I think it could be worded much, much better. I've already read this story, but this was the sentence that first got me to wondering about the gender and relationship of the narrator to the Liddy girl. With his "sixth sense," I figured the narrator was either her lover or sister/brother (or maybe both!).
-Torn up track marks - we lost and Liddy burst into tears.- I don't get the "torn up track marks" and the whole transition seems very sudden. We go from the narrator deciding to return to the bar to the end of the game. The transition should be smoother.
-The eyelash lining of her waterproof mascara flawless despite the bulbous tears that fell.- "Bulbous:" now there's a word! I had to look it up actually; although it sounds just like what it means.
-I held her hand on the way home and cat-like she curled into the lining of my trench coat.- The placement of "cat-like" is awkward. I could suggest many better versions that would make the sentence sound smoother: "I held her hand on the way home and she curled into the lining of my trench coat like a cat" or " ... and she curled, cat-like, into the lining of my trench coat." And I could go on and on because there are several ways.
-bullets in the corners of their eyes.- That's a perfect way to put it.
-I didn’t have the heart to tell her yet that the cash I had bet and lost would have been next months rent money.- *month's*
-The city streets were slick and velvety - graphite and graffiti precociouslystretching up to skyscrapers and rose bud moons.- Loading error.
-The beat of it was hard, like bones forming in our bodies and Liddy lead me to it.- Very unique analogy; I likes it!
-When we got to the doorstep she kissed me- Like I said earlier, I've read the story straight through already, so I know that the narrator is a guy; but the first time I read it, I wasn't so sure at this point. I was like hmm ... do we have a lesbian relationship going on here?
-She smelled like smoke and men and when she kissed my cheek I got a waft of drugs. I could feel it when she touched me, pulsating across her hand - acid swimming underneath her skin - her taste was more bitter now. Stark and cold; she always whispered at night. Too quiet for me to hear but her words took shape behind my eyes - upstairs - I love this whole section. Very well-written.
-The taste of it thick on us.- Awkwardness.
-When I eased her onto her belly she gripped the pillowcase. White knuckles. Covered her hand over her mouth to keep quiet but she could never hold it all in.- This is when I knew the narrator was definitely a guy. And I think your friend, MentallyMigrated, put it perfectly when she said this was "gorgeously graphic."
-Her skin had always been clear, not a single freckle or blemish on it though I had searched in vain to find them.- I really like the idea of this. Personally, I think it's better to be with a girl who does have flaws, and by flaws I mean visible ones. Maybe it's the insecurity (I think of a really confident girl as a girl who tends to be a little too sexual and outgoing). Maybe it's my own insecurity: I'd rather be with a girl who isn't perfect looking just so I don't feel as bad about my imperfections. I also think, though, that imperfections of your partner make them seem all the more real. You love them FOR their flaws.
-I dressed but she kept the trench coat on leaving her clothes in slapdash piles across the room.- There are a lot of missing commas in this story; they aren't always necessary, but they'd really help. This is a situation when you really need one, though. (Right after "on.")
-I don’t wont them - she said - they’re bad luck- I love that. It's so typical of a sports fan; they're always so superstitious.
-Confetti and streamers wet and sticky in the crosswalks from last nights expected victory.- Need an apostrophe on "night's." I really like this image, though; it's quite depressing. It really symbolizes the loss.
- Why bother? We’re just ganna get evicted next month anyway!- LOL. I laughed when I read this sentence, probably just because it was so unexpected. Really, though, it's quite tragic; so I feel bad for laughing.
Alright, so ... what do I say to sum all this up?
One of my main problems with this was the voice of the narrator. I guess since I know you're a girl, I automatically assumed the "I" to be a female, too. But really, there was never anything to convince me I was wrong. Not until they had sex, of course. But before then, although I was wondering the narrator's gender and was guessing that it probably was a guy just because him and Liddy were romantic with one another, he spoke in such a feminine way. The whole story is very feminine, which I know you can't help; but the story just really doesn't feel like it was told by a guy. What's weirder, though, is that Liddy is the one who seems to be into the game a whole lot more. Usually, the girl could care less; the guy is supposed to be the one who's obsessed with sports. So I thought that was interesting, and perhaps I can excuse the feminine-sounding narrator because of that. Obviously, their roles are a little more reversed than normal.
I thought the subject of the poem was interesting and surprisingly refreshing. I'm guessing you live in Seattle? I had no idea, and you may not, but this story really makes me think you do. You really had a good feel for the setting. And I think that makes your reason for writing this a lot more obvious also.
And speaking of the setting, I think you did a great job with it. I really saw and felt the dreary atmosphere. I know it had rained like 28 days straight or something in Seattle around the time of the Superbowl; so of course the rain is almost required when writing of Seattle ... but what's so cool is the rain became symbolic of what was going on. Rain has a depressing feeling to it; and I really felt it symbolized the Seahawks losing the Superbowl. And furthermore, the rain reflected the feelings of the characters.
I think you get too poetic with this, though, which hurts the story in the long run. The writing could be much simpler at times.
Overall, though, I enjoyed this. It's not perfect by any means - I've read much better prose by you - but it still makes for a very entertaining read. And like I said before, the subject of the poem was pretty refreshing. It was different and unexpected.
| Paramour-ing chapter 1 . 2/14/2006
| krystal-jasna chapter 1 . 2/13/2006
i like the way you portray the story. it seems magical in away. as if there are shadows dancing around..haha. love the ending though..she knew what he was afraid to tell her. :)
| none of burt's beeswax chapter 1 . 2/13/2006
The imagery in this is gorgeous, and I know that sounds trite, but it's truetruetrue. I would list all my favorite images, but it would end up being every single one because they are just so rose-colored glasses beauty (my favorite kind of beauty). I love how the narrator doesn't tell Liddy that the rent money was wasted on a bet, but she knows anyway. I can see this whole story playing out (& maybe it helps that I've been to Seattle, too). I love the rain-scented & soaked beauty of this. Somehow, the rain seems to add everything to this story, but I don't know why. Maybe it just makes it seem more magical. Anyway, beautiful, charming, fantastic, lovely work.
| account not in use chapter 1 . 2/13/2006
it's disturbing on a deep level, sweet and entertaining on the surafce. fascinating.
| Changedmypenname chapter 1 . 2/12/2006
Hey, I wanted to say thank you for reviewing my last 2 works. I didn't know where else to write this so..And um by the way, I'm scorpio too, I love cats, and photography and i hate ..Have a nice day..
| Aella88 chapter 1 . 2/11/2006
Beautiful, just like all of your poems. This piece makes me wish you would write an entire chapter story...if this a taste of a short story...I'd love to see a long one. Are you planning on eventually writing one?
| Jezsh chapter 1 . 2/11/2006
ooh lovely, just the kind of stuff I like to read. Like a snapshot of life, real people just living - carpe diem and all that. I like that a lot because it's so rare in everyday life. I also like its poetic quality and how it flows. Great piece.
| quiero-vivir chapter 1 . 2/10/2006
| Carp chapter 1 . 2/10/2006
Fascinating. Your prose is very poetic. But still has a storyline. I could hear, see, and feel everything you were describing. You didn't put too much detail, but just enough to get the imagination going. I loved it. :) Keep up the great work you always manage to produce.
| mentallymigratedagain chapter 1 . 2/10/2006
(just jack) a few things I forgot to say the first time around. Plus I was doing homework at the same time, so I didn't let myself finish properly. And I read your huge review and it got me thinking, as usual.
The name Liddy is so dainty, it's appropriate for an adult in a way but still ..cute? I dunno. I mean innocent but not vulnerable, if there's a word for that. And this is gorgeously graphic, with just enough elegance and shrewdness to keep you guessing/imagining it for yourself.
The title is beautiful. I play with words like skyscraper myself, "Jasper" is the new thing for me it keeps nearly making it as a finished piece. Who knows, maybe soon. I've got no homework for the first time in forever so maybe tonight!
(not to be negative, your work is usually fine with the occasional spelling wobble that is irrelevant anyway, there are one or two sentences that are missing a verb. I think in the second or third paragraph I saw one and was trying to work out what you meant.) It's very poetic though, the overall style, so it works. Just thought I'd prod that out.
I have something I want your opinion on; it's a poem but I don't know if it's too rude (I always argue with myself about just how graphic you can get without being gross, but then again I'm on the liberal poets' side of the river so I'm biased and/or not bnothered with such ethics lol) your comments would be great, I'll shemale it as soon as it's in any presentable stage.
(Oh and it's interesting, my three closest friends are all scorpios. They always say Cancer is useless just because *they* have claws AND a sting and I just argue that I can walk sideways, swim, nip people, and I carry my house with me everywhere. Plus i have awesome eyes and I taste good. :P I win)
| hmich176 chapter 1 . 2/10/2006
Cool story. I like the ending. Sorry to hear that that team lost the Super Bowl (GO STEELERS!)
| in theory chapter 1 . 2/10/2006
I like the solid and thick texture you give such abstract ideas. "You could make a bouffant out of a pube" as the saying goes lol. And your characters steal such depth from each other, the dialogue is natural. Keep up the great work. Peace'n'stuff. Jack.