|Reviews for Barrowthief|
| miramee chapter 2 . 8/30/2006
This chapter doesn't really suffer from the problems that the last one did (in terms of overabundance of description). It was just right, the scene with the guards chasing him had the required tension.
congrats on creating a sympathetic hero. i like fintan. i like the fact he isn't capable at everything.
you obviously like words, it gives a nice flavour to your writing (that's the only way i can put it). antediluvian. hue-and-cry. chattel. any road. godsfearing. the last two were nice touches. (but please don't push it too far. 'antediluvian'is at the fringe of my vocabulary. 'brume' in the last chapter i only knew cause i do french. But i suppose my meagre vocab is really my own problem.)
what's the deal with the dog? dog during day, human at night? something like that? hmm...
super chapter. didn't find anything wrong with it. if i had, i would've pointed it out, don't worry.
| miramee chapter 1 . 8/29/2006
Oh, I only read this story so I'd have a review in which to complain that you haven't updated Feather And stone, blah blah blah, but in fact, reading this story, I have changed my mind.
By all means continue: this is immensely interesting.
I can't wait to see what dark and malevolent menace is going to assail Roydene. I can't wait to see how Murrough is involved, and who is that girl?
In terms of writing, yours is beautiful. The detail is great, really vivid description. I couldn't even imagine being able to write this well. So well done.
However, sometimes it is *too* detailed. (I'm only giving criticism because I care, btw) In some parts you use several adjectives. Sometimes this is great, cumulative effect, etc, but not all the time. And in some parts too much description gets in the way of the story.
So while this chapter (prologue, whatever) is incredibly visually stimulating, it goes further than necessary in some parts.
You could probably get rid of a fair few adjectives (as this is a tense scene. The whole creepy priest/demon thing). I don't particularly like it when people giving writing advice are all "adjectives and adverbs should be used as little as possible". That is silly. But otoh, don't overuse them, use them wisely.
" beautiful, inlaid table""wealthy, conscience-ridden patron"intricate, woven, Sewardian figure intricately carved dais of expensive, pale wood slim, silver spearglittered like jet or black opal (pick one or the other) A rich, cobalt blue rug (just rich or cobalt blue would do) edges embroidered elegantly with silver thread, wringing his pale hands his own ashen fingers, dipping them delicately his delicate hands"
To give you an idea. I am by no means suggesting you get rid of all the adjectives, I'm just saying that in some cases only one adjective is necessary, in others you can probably get rid of it altogether. For pace or whatever, it declutters the story.
It's amusing, you've described hands/fingers *a lot* in this chapter. I didn't notice it till I reread it, so it's no big thing. I think most writers get fixations eg. JKR in the half-blood-prince was forever mentioning people having drinks together, although that was more a plot thing than a writing technique. My own fixations are the word 'well', saying 'it/he/she seemed/appeared/looked' and overindulding in commas.
Nitpicking:" The footsteps continued to approach—and, abruptly, stopped"should be "and abruptly stopped". commas a bit weird.
' The sound of the priests’ chanting rose like a breath of warm air over the distant shouts and raucous drinking songs emanating from the taverns further down the street, and Murrough closed his eyes briefly, leaning against the damp wood, listening." Bit of a long sentence, I stunbled over it when i was reading, so maybe alter it/break it up when editing.
"A silver statue of the Sea God sat before the northern wall, sitting cross-legged on an intricately carved dais of expensive, pale woo"Ditch the sitting of 'sitting cross-legged' as it already occurs in sentence.
Your description of the child, the girl, was particularly good. I also liked the thief sliding like 'ink' (or something like that). that was great. Thiefs are super characters to have in stories. (one of my favourite books ever is the thief, by megan whalen turner. I can't talk it up enough.)
| Cedric Quilfeather chapter 2 . 3/27/2006
I like this chapter. It starts off as highly functional: informing the reader of his settings in time and place quite thoroughly, while leaving a trail of intruiging questions. While your prose here is not quite as strong as Feather and Stone or the prologue of this story, it's still rather entertaining and well written.
“Well, Master Most-Certainly-Not-A-Thief . . ." Lol. You're right, we do share some kind of wavelength. Did she go to the same grammar school as Gleebeck? (Gnomes, you know, tend to name things in rather obnoxiously long terms. A church to us would be to a gnome.)
The term "any road," like "a bucket of worms," is a clever way of taking catch phrases of the day and inserting them into your world. But, you used "any road" quite a few times, and to be honest, it gets kind of annoying after a while. In some places, consider scraping it altogether.
“The way I see it, people set too much store by apologizing." Lol. I like this line a lot. I don't think your thief-girl would like me very much, I'm "sorry to say," lol.
Overall, good chapter. A few slightly less glamorous spots than your writing usually shines, but still good enough to where I can't think of any worthwhile suggestions. I look forward to the next part very much!
| Tirinwe chapter 1 . 2/27/2006
Wow - i have no words. that was awesome. i little slow to start but you always did use a lot of words. (thats not a bad thing - promise, just bad for my attention span ;) ) but it was really good i havent read the second chapter yet but im gonna do that now. one thing you might want to have someone reread it for you some of the words were mixed up like the for that and stuff - it might be how you wanted it but it did sound right. ne way really good.-Porth
| Lccorp2 chapter 2 . 2/26/2006
Archdemon Lord Duffikus:
"That had opened a whole new bucket of worms."
Earth-terms cannot be uprooted, slightly altered, and then transplanted that easily. "A can of worms" has its own unique meaning, and "A bucket of worms"...it's hard to explain it, but I think you should just not try...
Guh. Still nothing much to say for now...
| Lccorp2 chapter 1 . 2/26/2006
Archdemon Lord Duffikus:
I suppose there's not much I can *really* say for now. There's a decent balance between description and action, most mortals on this site tend to bend to zilch at all or turn into descriptoholics that lambast the poor reader with irritating, pointless little details that are repeated over again and again...
The descriotion ought to fit the character whom is viewing them, in this case Murrough. He's a thief, and thus will be noticing his surroundings in great detail for potential threats. An alcolyte of the Dark God, familiar to these surroundings, will not notice such things that Murrough notices, but when he/she does, it will be in greater detail due to the understanding of the place that they have.
Remember, when you do descriptions, ask yourself these questions:
"Is it necessary to the plot for the characters to notice these things?"
"Would this be enjoyable for the reader to read, and immerse him/her more deeply into my world?"
"Is the character in a situation where he/she will be noticing what's around him/her?"
Remember: the best way to get/hold reviews is to update on a REGULAR basis. Weekly, every ten days, whatever, just make sure it keeps coming. Don't go silent for a month and dump it all.
And What's Murrough doing stealing from such a dangerous place? Presuambly, he's stealing for a living for himself and his loved ones-"meat and silver"-aren't there any safer places he could burgle that are equally wealthy? Why the temple of the Dark God? Why not, say, a rich merchant's mansion?
Thief heroes are supposed to be street smart and fairly intelligant-the stupid ones often die off long before they come to save the world, and that means not taking unecessary risks.
Think about that.
PS: A soprano is exclusive to females. A tenor is what you're thinking of, I believe.
| Casey Drake chapter 2 . 2/18/2006
...Nyewelen? Weylin? mebbe i'm pronouncing one of the names wrong, but they sound pretty similar to ME...
| Cedric Quilfeather chapter 1 . 2/10/2006
The opening scene is so vivid. In the realm of sensation, I actually like this better than Feather and Stone, so far. It is so tangible, so real, one feels as if they can feel the cold stone, hear the priests singing to their god. It's really, genuinely awesome.
"The priest never noticed the new shadow he had acquired, a shadow the slid away from the light and into a dark nook further down the entrance hall as his unwitting host locked the door against danger." This sentence is just marvelous. It perfectly displays your powerful, unique style.
"He pressed himself further into the wall, stilling every muscle, and waited. The footsteps continued to approach—and, abruptly, stopped." I like it - until the end. -and, abruptly, stopped. comes off as a bit stilted. Removing the commas would fix the problem: changing the order just slightly would render the flow immaculate. "-and stopped abruptly." Just my opinion, I suppose, about the word order, but I'm pretty solid on the feeling that the commas should go.
If I were to say that I was not envious at all, I would be lying. Emer, spectacular. The storyline is riveting. It is so organic and believable. I am very impressed. One day, woman, one day, you will be a very famous author. Great job. I will get to the next chapter as soon as time allows for it.