|Reviews for Eternal Sin Part 1|
| SummerBreeze83 chapter 1 . 2/23/2006
The plot line is very intersting and I am enjoying how well you fleshed out the character of Jade. Your descriptions are well done, however, there are a few points that you need to work on. Your puncuation is the one that needs the most work. You're not placing commas in the right parts of the sentences, so when the one reads them, it takes a moment to try to figure out what is being said. Example: "Her face is a full mask of a whore lips unpainted." That is a very confusing sentence to read. Takes a moment to break it up. It SHOULD read "Her face is a full mask of a whore, lips unpainted." Or even better: "...of a whore, her lips unpainted." See? The comma makes all the difference. The other thing that you should be careful about is your change of POV during the story. Even though the story is in third person, the reader is seeing it mostly from the eyes of Jade...when Prince appears, you should not suddenly jump to his POV...in other words, telling his name takes away from the air of mystery. If Jade doesn't know yet, then the reader shouldn't know yet. Same thing with the last paragraph...you gave away Prince's reasons, but Jade does not know this bit of information, so the reader should not. Stick with one POV (even though it's third person). The omnipresent writing should be avoided if you want to create intrigue. And one last thing...it's 1788...did they have "pumps" back then? Or are you using the word simply to refer to high heels? If the story setting is old, keep the wording old...don't mix and match. Makes the story lose effect. You have an interesting story line here, just work on these things and I think you have it made! ::hands over some cookies:: Enjoy!