Reviews for Robbery
miss-hyperactive chapter 1 . 2/28/2006
i like this.. it flows with the ryhthem i pictured.. julliet... i agree with you on the parent thing.. they just don't understamnd change even though they say they do every change is different for every different person
singukusa chapter 1 . 2/28/2006
I read in another review that someone would have liked you to incorporate the fact your friend was pregnant. To me, it seemed you did, although I wouldn't have read it in the same way if it hadn't been for the summary. Those two lines just said it all to me, and changed the meaning of the whole poem. I dunno if you meant it, but I could almost hear an afterthought "You two need the tips..." But that's just me. I'm sorry, I'm really rambling. I'm sorry for what happened to your friend... and love the way you wrote this...
R.J. Crosbie chapter 1 . 2/26/2006
wow.

i'm sorry about your friend. i hope she's alright. i could see just about everything that's happening in that poem. and the last three lines were rather shocking in a way. like the robber was mockingly generous or something-i can't explain it. you're a great poet.
fearturing chapter 1 . 2/25/2006
brilliant as always u tell a story easy to understand but in such a captivating way well done :)
TrinityDayTripper chapter 1 . 2/24/2006
sad that this happened to someone you know. i love the last two lines, they grab you, and leave you with something unexplained. simple, yet strong, i loved it.

trin
Theatre des Vampires chapter 1 . 2/23/2006
good poem, that really sucks for her
White Tea and Ginger chapter 1 . 2/23/2006
So so painful.
Gilee7 chapter 1 . 2/23/2006
-He said: Shut the fuck up and give me all your money!- Excellent opening line. It almost makes you feel as if you're the person he's talking to. It's an attention grabber. And even if I hadn't read the summary to this and seen the title, I'd immediately know what was happening.

-bingeing on bullets- I like that. A bit of alliteration.

-(cock the gun / son)- LOL. I laughed at those lines, even though this poem is incredibly serious and intense. You always have a few lines in your poems that I find incredibly humorous. I think in real life you probably have a dark, dry sense of humor, cracking jokes without ever breaking a smile.

-And she / twenty three- Is she really twenty-three? How perfect for this poem for it to rhyme with "she."

-frozen from the night air in her hand - / old bills / (ones/ fives / and / tens) / the kind so thin and aged you forget that your holding them- My favorite sequence of lines.

-She asked (shaking voice): Do you want my tips? / No sweetheart / you keep um.- Amazing ending. I love the added bit in parenthesis; that only adds so much more emotion to it. And the ending is vaguely humorous and very ironic. I love it. I saw one of your other revewers say "um" should be "em" and the first time reading this I really liked "um" but now I'm wondering. I don't think you should change it. It adds more to his voice, making it more real. I could actually hear him saying that.

This is a good poem. It's powerful and intense; you get the feeling while you're reading it that this is happening right before your eyes. Danger emanates.

I think this poem could be a lot deeper, though. From your summary and the revelation that your friend is pregnant, I figured that would be incorporated into the poem; but it wasn't. I think that would've made this piece 50 times more emotional had you let this poem revolve around her pregnant belly and the life inside of her, the fear for her baby.

And a couple comments in reference to your review ... You're not the only one who has wanted me to dabble in poetry; but I just don't feel comfortable with poetry. I mean I've written poems in the past, but I just don't get any real type of fulfillment from it as I do my short stories. Often my poems are silly and comical, anyway; I tend to keep all my serious stuff in prose. But yeah ... I wouldn't hold my breath on seeing me post a poem; I seriously doubt I ever will.

And I feel like a total idiot for not seeing that you were from Seattle. It says so on your front page, but I never really pay attention to those things. And just to let you know, I was pulling for your Seahawks. I still feel they were robbed. They beat the Steelers, they just couldn't beat the refs. It was very unfair. I'm so glad it wasn't my Eagles or I'd be in jail from assasinating those stripe-wearing jackasses.
addie pray chapter 1 . 2/23/2006
The subtle ryhme and meter in this is wonderful, as is the stark imagery and ending.
Disturbing Enigma chapter 1 . 2/23/2006
How terrible! But a powerful and well-constructed poem that captures the fear she must have went through. Good job!
twenty-second seduction chapter 1 . 2/23/2006
those last two lines are fucking amazing.
scudcrow chapter 1 . 2/23/2006
I'm sorry that your friend went through this. The poem is written well enough and conveys a sense of urgency that usually reserved for the things we deem "less than likely" to occur.

Thanks for the review btw...also, some of the lines in "A Lock of Hair: and an inch too deep" seem unfinished because I'd started out writing a Haiku. However, in the description I did mention that the font color was white in the beggining, but the significance is lost as fictionpress doesn't support custom font. Also, the last line is misleading, until one thinks of a lock of hair and understands than an inch engulfs a lot at times. Thus, the nouns "twine" and "depth" entirely fit in the context of the title. I was hoping for different angles on this one, so thanks for your opinion-it helps :)
TrinityFlower of Memories chapter 1 . 2/22/2006
OMG! oh...i'm so sorry-4 both of you, oh wow, i 've missed so much. well, to just the poem, well...to me, it was just bulleted statements. your other works are much better, but since the main plot is so unpredictable, i can understand. Tell her she has my blessings.
SarahJaneDrkAngl05 chapter 1 . 2/22/2006
wow that would have to suck. id hate to have that happen to me or any one else.

SarahJane
account not in use chapter 1 . 2/22/2006
those last two lines...
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