|Reviews for Amphelice|
| The Breakdancing Ninja chapter 1 . 10/30/2006
I see you all over the place (ie: FPDebate), so I figured I should drop in a line and start today with the shortest piece and work my way up on future occassions.
[Amphelice watched them huddle together as if the sunshine could harm them.] during a ceremony of death or sorrow, the darkness is so tremendous and so cold that people need to huddle together for a sense of comfort and bonding, especially around someone they might not have known too well. The description is so crisp and delicate; the imagery is that of huddlying, lanky shadows under the sun, afraid of the light.
[The usual litany of remorse and pain laced with a desperate hope that life continued in another plane.] It's creepy how one word can change the tone of a statement. If "usual" were omitted, the statement would have that somber seriousness most people are used to reading when they delve into a piece that involves a funeral.
[Why did they continue to lavish so much attention upon the sorrow of a loved one’s passing? Why couldn’t they say goodbye and move on with their own lives? They had so little time of their own, why spend so much of it mourning for others?] This seems to be the story's sentiment. It's weird, the underlying messages are clashing. Generally, when one goes to a funeral, they share their grief, and if they have none, they put on an air of grief as a goodwill gesture to the deceased one. But the story is like: "Pshaw. Hey, man. Death happens all the time-mellow out guyz." LOL It's pretty alienating to read, which is a relief to me, because I write all sorts of alienating pieces. lmao
[eventually, those little leaves would wither and fade, becoming lost in the earth. When none of them remained, still Amphelice would stand atop the hill] Ah, I see! She's immortal! ( those more obvious details elude a slow reader like me. XD;; )
[Far above her head, wispy clouds streaked across the sky and blurred with contrails into a white lattice.] This is a wonderful description. I had to look up "contrails" ("vapor trails", according to and "lattice" (kind of like a garden trellis!), but it was worth it. hahaha
[Amphelice felt online on the heath] "online"?
Amphelice is such a stoic, static character. Like a statue or a monument. It reminds me of some of Anne Rice's characters, and how Time has weathered their ability to feel. The story says that she has grown accustomed to "lesser pains", physical pains-but I also think she's become extremely jaded. A funeral evokes no sorrow from her. She even views it in a sort of incredulous way. The story tells these people: "Your lives are short, so stop crying." The ironic part is both the story and Amphelice will live on, but these people will not. So of course, relatively-I mean, incomparison, these people's lives a short.
[That awful noise, as the wasted woman lay in her filthy, soiled sheets and laughed at the young woman who had given herself to a man other than her own. The baby from that deed had died in the winter, the last of the villagers to be buried.] Ah! More of these alienating details. It's weird how the story is so savory, but crisp with explaining such sordid details of death and lust-these things almost seem trivial. Other stories will spend mounds of time-paragraphs-just to talk about one or the other of these two things. In this story, all things pass away under the continuance of time. It's weird, and I'm trying to understand the utility of that small passage. I think, in a way, it's to say that all things are fleeting, even misdeeds. As if there is no eternity. The image of the woman roiling away in her own soiled sheets is pretty graphic-I wonder what that could mean?
[Why fade away when life continued to hold so many hidden treasures?] God, she considers these things treasures? Okay, nature I could understand. That's always beautiful, even the harshness of winter. But the people. I mean, I guess it would look ugly-beautiful to some omnipotent being-has Amphelice become one?
The story never explains this immortality, which doesn't bother me one bit. But it makes me wonder.
I think the reason why the funeral is in the beginning (I had to think about this for a iittle bit, mind you) is sort of to show a reversal. That death doesn't mean the end to this story or Amphelice. Death of the hero usually ends a tragedy in Shakespeare, or marriage, which is a death of individuality. But all these things seem to be upheaved. And Amphelice takes on more of a symbol of immortality and perpetual hardship (even though the story doesn't go at length to say she is in pain, I think she is-living is enough of a struggle); she doesn't seem like a real person at all, which goes back to my whole idea of (aha! full circle) her being more of a monument, or a testament of time.
No one seems to notice her, though.
The scrumptuous and intricate descriptions of the piece remind me of a few roleplayers from a while back. Have you ever paragraph roleplayed? And if so, were you on Yahoo! Chat when the user rooms were still around?
This was really fun to read. I've got a pretty good review circle going, but none of the stories've ever sounded like this. I mean, everyone has their own writing style, but this is definitely new for me on FP. Thanks for the great read.
Rock on, Alankria!
| Chaos A. Mendel chapter 1 . 8/2/2006
I just reviewed this and was about to click the 'Submit Review' button when the power when out (it's storming here). Anyway...
You write so well I can't help but be picky.
"The usual litany of remorse and pain laced with a desperate hope that life continued in another plane." Fragment? Perhaps you could use a colon to end the preceding sentence.
"They had so little time of their own, why spend so much of it mourning for others?" The comma is awkward here. A simple period and new sentence would work... perhaps a semicolon would as well, but I'm not sure.
"Unless she looked down into the vales, Amphelice felt online on the heath, a solitary smudge of white." Not sure what the meaning of 'online' is here.
"She walked at her own meandering pace, delighting in the sensation of grasses under her bare feet." I think 'grass' would work just as well.
"came the familiar tinkle of a minute waterfall" I almost laughed when I read this, just because (immature me) when I think of the word 'tinkle', especially associated with something like 'waterfall', i think of urination. Not sure if you can fix that, it might just be my annoying immaturity. I will suggest that you use a word other than 'minute'. It just doesn't seem to fit, I dunno. 'small' would work just as well.
"When she stood in the centre of the glen, old and rotting twigs and leaves under her feet, a beam of sunlight setting off the golden tones in her long hair and shining into her pale blue eyes, Amphelice saw the metre-high waterfall bubbling out from the nook of the vale." A LOT of description here. I would suggest you take out either the twigs or the sunlight... both phrases are just too much.
"and she knew that no, not this time, she would not go this time. " Perhaps: "and she knew that she would not go. No, not this time."
The only other thing I want to suggest is to look over the last few sentences of the paragraph fourth from the end, and this one: "That awful noise, as the wasted woman lay in her filthy, soiled sheets and laughed at the young woman who had given herself to a man other than her own." I had to read these more than once to understand them... you seem to be trying to fit too much history in too few sentences. I think you could make it infinitely more interesting with just the addition of a few more sentences, so it doesn't feel so suffocated.
I love the idea... I wish you had continued it a bit longer. It seems like most of it was introduction, I feel like you could extend the second half more. I'd like to know how you came to her name, Amphelice (e-mail me if you wish, I'd really like to know).
You're so great with descriptions, with metaphors and word choice, and as I said before I love the idea of this! It has a lot of potential, and I'd like to see it more filled out.
| Fiore Chnudth chapter 1 . 7/17/2006
I don't know precisely what to think of this story/prologue or what it might be. I feel very ambiguous about this piece.
For on one hand I think there are many describtions that are very nice indeed; I always like describtions that contain colours and emotions. But at the same time, I feel that the story may be a bit slowed down by the describtions and I find myself skipping parts where it looks to be only describtions. Hope I didn't miss anything on that account.
It can be difficult to rate the story itself for nothing much really happens, so I'll refrain from that and maybe do at another time, if more story will be told.
As I read it, and I don't know why, I feel great loneliness. I don't know if this was what you described, but this was what I felt. Loneliness!
| rrmehta364 chapter 1 . 6/8/2006
"A gentle breeze drifted across the heath, lazily tickling the long fronds of grass into a rippling wave and sending a light cloud of dandelion seeds over the small group of people at the base of the hill.": Beatiful openning sentence.
"From the crest of the hill, Amphelice watched them huddle together as if the sunshine could harm them." : I don't get how huddling together, and sunshine being harmful are connected.
"Amphelice felt online on the heath" : I have a feeling online isn't the word that was supposed to be there.
I love the last sentence. This one shot is beautifully written. I really get a feeling Amphelice is a person, with a real story and not just a cardboard cutout.
As always, looking forward to reading more.
| Pheobe Meryll chapter 1 . 5/15/2006
Such an engrossing little sketch - makes me curious for more, and yet it's nice to have something so full and yet ambiguous. I like this Amphelice.
"the people in black drifted away from the grave like leaves" - oughtn't it be "grave-like"?
beautiful descriptions all in here as well. I liked how you followed her thoughts, not understanding why mourners mourn. ("mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attatchment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed that is" *snaps out of yoda voice* arhem). In all seriousness, I enjoyed it muchly and would be interested in more of the like from you.
| Kaggr chapter 1 . 4/19/2006
It reminds me very much of immortality. A curse, or a blessing? A very good story, though I got lost in descriptions a few times...
| Raikune chapter 1 . 3/8/2006
Ah. Um. *tries to think of something intelligent to say* Um. Um. It was very...peaceful. Peaceful but tinged with sadness that was replaced by happiness. That's all I really thought of. I like oneshots, they don't take a huge amount of effort to write or read. Some good stuff, dude.
| Alaneer chapter 1 . 3/5/2006
Finally, it came up.
"A gentle breeze drifted across the heath, lazily tickling the long fronds of [grass].." I'm pretty sure you mean grass.
", tugged along [by] currents that they could not control."
"Time had slowly but surely erased Fossley until none [but] Amphelice..."
"The [craw] of a nearby crow..."
Nice description. I wonder if she's a ghost. *_*