This has the makings of a really cool film... Hints of the back-story make me want to read a prequel about the 'petroleum wars' and the 'realignment of american values'. I like the characters, the concept, everything. Keep writing... this could be so much bigger than fanfic!

On pondering the future and current trends in technology and fashion... will Dockers still be worn in 2043? Other things like sound proofing and computer monitors will be unrecognizable by todays stndards, and USB cables will be as archaic as puch card readers... the chrono-setting of this story gives you a great arena to play with technology. I'd like to read what you can dream up on the tech-front. I think conceptual technology plays a huge role in the success of stories such as 'Minority Report', '1984', 'Brave New World', 'Blade Runner', and the like.

All in all... two thumbs up and I'm keen to read more. Keep it up, John.

- Glen Murrant

[i]“Open, says me,” Reed muttered to himself as he reached in and grabbed the case.

At that moment, Jesse’s panicked shouting assaulted him. His shouting was so loud and jarring, Reed nearly jumped out of his skin, fearful that someone else would hear his partner in crime.

“Reed! You hear me? Haul ass out of there! Comm chatter just went through the roof!”[/i]

suspense well done... nothing like it.

a talkative fellow, the wraith is... and yoda I type like.

You've done well at giving us a world to look at. Names have been placed (Ultra, Praying Mantis, etc), we know his station in life and where he wants to be... and more importantly who stands in his way... everyone.

I'm not a huge grammar guy... I'm a moron when it comes to that stuff, frankly. But there are some small things that need to be touched up as the other reviewer pointed out.

Example from close to the end of chapter 1:

[i]The compartment door slid open just as Reed darted into the corner. Two soldiers with their weapons at the ready stalked inside, searching the shadows for their prey.[/i]

I believe you meant [i]"the compartment door slid closed just as Reed..."[/i]

small things like that... I saw you meant to use the word "every" and "very" got typed instead... very minor things to fix.

Story-wise I'm impressed at the depth of an original world. Character-wise I like Ollie... a little chatty for my tastes in this kind of character... but I dig what he's up to.

If nothing else I find the whole she-bang inspiring...

You're on to something with this... please keep it up.

OK. My first thoughts are 1) It's definitely the writing and not the fact that up to now you've written about my fave characters that's hooked me. 2) Yes. You DO great villains. 3) I feel like if halfway through, you removed all the proper nouns, I'd still know who was talking. 4) You've hooked me. I want to see another chapter.

OK... now for the negative. There are some minor grammatical errors. The kind that get past a spellcheck. I saw at least one spot where you used "it's" where "its" was appropriate. (It's is only a contraction for 'it is). And I do find that there are some places where the prose could use a bit of tightening up. Example:

Reed knew that behind every door that lined the hallway as he exited the building led to a different type of danger. Some offices housed Malevolence’s top lieutenants, such as Widowmaker and Praying Mantis. Reed himself was offered an office space once, but declined. Other offices housed the lesser agents in the Cabal: typical drug lords and enforcers who sold ‘protection’ and hired muscle when needed, but that wasn’t the only type of crime committed in this brave new world.

IMHO, might work better as:

As Reed walked on, he knew that every door that lined the hallway led to a different danger. Some offices housed Malevolence’s top lieutenants, such as Widowmaker and Praying Mantis. (Reed had been offered an office space once, but he'd declined.) Other offices housed the lesser agents in the Cabal: drug lords, ‘protection’ racketeers and hired muscle, but those wasn’t the only types of criminals who thrived in this brave new world.

(Feel free to disregard, of course!)

On the whole, though? Good stuff! Looking forward to seeing more!