Okay, forever and a day, I know. I also know you must be busy with your program (it's the only way I could explain why you haven't been around with all the rest of us OCD Fictionpressers D:!), so I'm just going to review your story like crazy!-if you can post up some more chapters, that'd be great, so I could squeeze in some more reviewing before the Winter Intersession begins. You don't have to say a word or anything! I just want to make sure you get enough of my scathing and horrible ramble-happy reviews!

Okay, ulterior motive: I just want to see what happens between Josh and Evelyn. But that stuff up there sounded pretty gallant, don't you think? lmao

LOL I love the way Samera says, "The prii-i-ze box!" I could see doing Jazz hands with big eyes and the "ooh big deal" face. lmao

[The only winner out of the eight of them was Lenny who never showed any sign of emotion. Someone could’ve told him there was a hurricane coming... and his reaction would probably be the same: “cool.”] lmfao! I love Lenny! I wish he showed up more often in the early chapters. I wonder if there's some history about him, and what his family is like? I'm just so excited about that enigma!

[She said she was going to check with her roommates, but would definitely see him at breakfast.] I think conditioning from reviewing so much has sort of given me a trepidation of seeing the word "definitely", because more often than not it'll be spelled "definately", and I have a Pompeii FIT. That word and the word "your/you're". I'm always hoping to God I'll find more authors that won't confuse words like that. -strokes 24's hair.- 8D

[Josh laughed. “That’s all right…then I can play the total macho guy and show off…and if need be…” he puffed his chest in sarcastic bravado and spread his arms, “rescue you.”] LOL With this sentence, I think you could squeeze a double dose ofhumor out of this just by changing the punctuation and tweaking with it a little: "That's all right. (or maybe a comma) Then I can play the total macho guy and show off. And if need be," he puffed up his chest... "I'll rescue you." We already know Josh isn't a conceited show off, but him pretending he is is pretty hilarious. XD! And the "I'll rescue you" at the end has an even higher cornball-factor. You could just HEAR the cornball in his voice.

[They turned when Cadance started fake gagging by sticking her finger down her throat. Arianne slapped her on the back of the head.] LMFAO! I think I would've done that, too, if I saw my two friends flirting.

Oh, no! Evelyn will have to find new roommates? I like the combination she's got right now! Well, I think it's a comfort that Cadance will be there for a while. But it's no fun without Samera with her. I wonder what landed Arianne in Rehab anyway. It said in that small portion about her boyfriend John, that she'll come back sober and he'll dot dot dot. Gawd I want to know what's happening, there!

["Looks easy to me!" shouted Brett as he tore off towards the waves in exaggerated steps in attempt to imitate Josh..] LOL! stupid Brett lmfao i laughed out loud. There are two periods there!

["Um…you wanna try it?" Josh asked tracing patterns in the sand with his feet.] Aw! I think I'm going to. Steal this description.

[It was a simple gesture, but taking her hand for the first time meant more than pages of awkward poetry.] LOLOL I love that line! I think I'm going to quote that on my site. That's going to go somewhere.

[Evelyn shook her head. “No, let’s try that again!”] Can you add a small detail about what it feels like to swallow salt water through your nose? Because it would take me a while to recuperate from being wiped out. I think she should try after a FEW seconds, allowing the salt water in her brain to stop stinging. hahaha

24, there's a lot of ellipses abuse in this chapter. Seriously. Ellipses here there and everywhere. [“I wish I could freeze this moment…” she said softly.] This has a dialogue tag, so a comma will do and it'll still get the point across. [“Nah…” he combed his fingers through his hair trying to shake out the water. “I must just be a bad teacher.”] This one can stay.

[“No way…look over at Brett and Arianne, I think they’ve at least gotten up once on their own. I’m hopeless…I guess I’ll just have to stick with dancing.”] I think for this one, the "No way" should have a period after it. But the second set of ellipsis could stay.

[“Well, I’ve got the ugliest feet to show for it after all of my calluses and bloody toes.” “Okay, lemme see.” Josh reached in the water to grab a foot.] LOL

[Evelyn pouted and made a move to scoot off the board. “Fine…me and my disgusting toes will just leave you alone.”] Period after "Fine" since she's being playfully mean to him.

[“Well…You’re from San Francisco, you’re an awesome dancer, but suck at surfing”—she whacked his knee “you have a little brother named Nicklas, I can tell you and your mother don’t get along…”] LOL Comma after "Well" but the second set of ellipsis could stay.

[Evelyn grimaced. “Which comment gave it away?” He smiled and then shrugged.] So he HAD been listening during that one time when they were talking about religion and she was like mutter mutter MOM. hahaha

[Even when his mom was disappointed with him, he never doubted how much she loved him. “Eh…she probably doesn’t mean to be so hard on you.”] I don't think the "Eh..." is appropriate here. Whenever I see an "Eh" in any writing or hear it in conversation, it usually is accompanied by a tone of dismissal.

[“My mom…she was a well known dancer for a company that traveled all over the world. My dad happened to see one of her shows during a tour when he was doing business in France. He said he fell in love with her the moment he saw her on stage.”] A dash or a comma could replace the ellipsis. And EE! That's so awesome; you're doing business in France, go to one of those sophisticated shows with your client even when you're not really interested, and end up meeting the woman of your dreams.

[“Blah blah…anyway. My mom totally fell for him too and she had to throw her career away when she got pregnant with me. Sometimes I wonder why she didn’t just give me up, but my dad married her even though she’s a complete psycho.”] Definitely a dash after the "blah blah". I like the last line. LOL Justin's mom from Windless is a psycho, too, but his dad married her even as she complained all the way from New York to California. I wonder why nice men marry crazy neurotic psycho women instead of marrying a laid back woman. Maybe they love being able to put up with things. lmao

[“Ah, c’mon. All parents are a little nuts.”] LOL Josh is correctomundo.

[“Nah…” Evelyn stared past Josh’s shoulder. “It would’ve been better if I was never born.”] You could keep these ellipsis. -grumbles.-

[“You have no idea how much that would suck if it were true.” He tightened his grip, using his thumb to caress her hand. Josh swallowed and stole a peek at her. She was staring at their linked hands. “Because… there’s no other place in the world I’d rather be than right here—with you.”] I think the "Because" WITH its ellipses should be with the other set line, so the words "there's no other place in the world..." could be isolated on its own. It'll also give people time to brace themselves for that ultra cornball line. LMAO!

[He stuck his tongue out and rolled his eyes before tossing himself into the water] The end of this sentence is missing punctuation.

The kissing scene was flawless. And salty. LOL [She trembled and pressed her body into his, eventually wrapping her legs around his waist and locking her arms around his neck.] This is pretty AHEM. I mean, I could see it happening, especially since they're in the water, and it also shows the frenzy. I'm just embarrassed, is all. hee hee

This was a pretty fun chapter. But no more ellipses abuse, okay?

Alright, I'm going to move on to the next chapter after breakfast. I'd better see five more chapters up by this weekend or I'm going to have a flaming fit, 24. Don't leave me hangin', woman!

It sucks me right in from the start. I like the original way used to describe the character. Great way of introducing the setting. Gotta love the 90s XD It was awful really but um that's another thing. Oh gosh what a cheesy line XD I love how the narrator describes his/her feelings, they feel genuine and real. It's really cute and poetic too, the way that one goes aw. Great work. It's almost a little unecessary to mention her/him being heartbroken because the feeling is convertet through the rest.

aw

I am finally for the first time able to review you for the chapters that you redid. I read all of them, the small changes that you had were very nice, there's not much that I have to comment on. And so, I'm back to where I left off.

Very nice chapter, I noticed that you shortened it. The short little time for them to get to know each other was great as well... Then bam! They're kissing. Excuse me, it just reminded me of highschool. And God you have me chuckling a lot at all of the memories this story seems to bring out of me. I had never thought that highschool was that interesting, or being younger period.

I'll try to keep up with the chapters before you update, but am at the moment stuck in New York with relatives, and am reduced to going to a library...

Anyways, again, nice chapter.

I have a question, though. I noticed you put 'all right' when Josh was with Evelyn and he was going to tutor her on surfing. Is it 'all right', or 'alright'? Because I thought it was alright, but I've seen others do it, so I'm asking.

I will not attempt to critique your work now, because frankly I don't have the obsessive compulsive finicky eye on detail.

But truth be told, I love your story. Love being an understatement, that is. But i would just like to give you a poem that i have found in a Tomas -a literary journal, made by Lemn Sissay, which in my opinion shows a slight essence of your work.

its evie on josh.

"Invisible Kisses" by Lemn Sissay

"If there was one

To whom you would cry;

Who would gather each tear

And blow it dry;

Who would offer help

On the mountains of time

Who would stop to let each sunset

Sooth the jaded mind."

If ever there was one

To whom when you run

Will push back the clouds

So you are bathed in sun

Who would open arms

If you would fall

Who would show you everything

If you lost it all."

"If there was ever one

Who when you achieve

Was there before the dream

And even then believed;

Who would clear the air

When its full of loss.

Who would clear the air

When its full of loss."

"If ever there was one

Who when you are cold

Will summon warm air

For your hands to hold

Who would make peace

In pouring rain;

Make laughter fall

In falling rain."

"If ever there was one

Who can offer you this and more;

Who in keyless rooms

Can open doors;

Who in open door

Can see open fields

Who in open fiels

See harvest yields."

"Then see only my face

In the reflection of these tides

Through the cleared water

Beyond the riverside.

All I can send is love

In all that this is

A poem and a necklace

Of invisible kisses

Alright, small warning. I'm either pointing out things I haven't seen before, or things that I just didn't notice on further read. This means that your read is so multi-versed that it's like, constantly giving out these little jewels. ;3; I'm in heaven!

[Ever since his wife of twenty-seven years had died last year,] LOL I remember not understanding that. I totally bitched about that for like, half an hour. Thank you for being patient with me. lmfao

[Kristin was a freshman at Santa Barbara City College, but lived in an apartment with friends and stayed occupied with her part time job to pay for school since Angela’s college sucked out a lot of Mark’s funds despite his lucrative law practice. But Elise’s medical bills had also taken a toll on the finances.] Was this here before? No, wait, I think it was. I can't remember what my thought was, now-oh, yeah. I can't imagine someone as nice as Mark being a lawyer. I know that the lawyer stigma is like, gah, but I was just thinking. He seems more like a boat-builder to me (but then he would never be able to support his children)-he just seems like one of those peaceful, good-natured, gentle-faced men. Victor might seem a little closer to a lawyer, since he has to deal with Kathy. lmfao

omg I can't believe I'm talking about these people as if they're real. Suspension of disbelief!

[He started doing research about places he could send Josh for the summer; a sort of drug and alcohol rehab if worse came to worse.] Was THIS here? If not, I'm glad it was put here. It shows how cautious Mark is (maybe that's his lawyer side? thinking nine steps ahead!), and it serves as a mini foreshadowing.

[Mark peered inside the bedroom. Josh was buried entirely under the covers, only a few tufts of his hair could be seen sticking out. He glanced over at his son’s messy desk and something caught his eye. Walking over, he swallowed the lump of tears in his throat as he lightly traced a finger across the drawing of his wife.] I could've sworn I've never seen this. How could I miss it? I mean, I kept pointing out all the warm fuzzy things I liked-I really loved this. And I love the phrase "tufts of hair", I've seen it a few times, but it has never occured to me that I should want to steal it-until now. lmao God, I really love Mark. This guy is teh aw3som3. I wish my father was like him.

[Tyler and his dad were a lot alike. Both were boisterous, obnoxious and irrational.] LOL Was this here before? I love this!

[Mark shook his head slowly and snorted. “That’s all, huh? Well heck, Josh! I don’t feel like going to work sometimes so why don’t I just slack off and then maybe you won’t have to go to school at all because we’ll end up on the streets!”] I remember this. When my mom gave me this argument, I just about died. I was like: "Dayum. Checkmate lololol"

[“Fine. From now on, I’m taking you to school myself and picking you up. You’ll just have to spend the rest of the day at the office with me until I’m finished. If I can’t pick you up then I’ll have Pam do it,” he stated referring to his secretary.] Maybe a comma after "stated"?

[Tyler was one of those boys whose eyes would forever hold that sparkle of mischief.] I love this description. It reminds me of that hot new Peter Pan kid, the little sparkly one with the blonde hair and blue eyes.

[She got up to leave. “’Kay, bye…Bye Tyler.” She also muttered an apology to the guy who had been sitting next to Josh only to have Greg come and shove him back aside so he could sit next to Josh now.] LOL This poor acquaintance guy, getting shoved around. I love those little details. I laughed a little because I saw it on the movie screen-I love it when directors have things going on in the background that really bring the setting to life.

[“She was just lookin’ for a piece of ass…specifically Huntley’s!” Tyler threw his head back and snorted.] I think girls say this. Guys say: "She was lookin' for a piece of Huntley's ass." LOL

[“Yeah, like, she would ever sleep with you,” Josh mumbled.] lololol!

[Tyler leaned forward. “Oh pray my enlightened friend, do tell!”] I understand the sarcasm, but maybe a period will work better here instead of an exclamation point.

(gawd why didn't I look carefully at this stuff sooner!)

[He clenched his eyes shut; too many painful memories of her lying in the starch white hospital bed while he played some of the last songs she would ever hear. Josh had a repertoire of seventies rock music because they were her favorite.] Did I like, not notice this before? God, this is so sad!

And when is this kid gonna play some geetarr at the rehab center?

Reading this over again is magical. I have to start getting to the new material soon, though! It would be inproductive for me to sit around and sigh over the past lmao. Arg, I apologize for not making some of these small corrections sooner-I mean, they're not SUPER important, but yeah, I wish I hadnoticed and written them down before. I have this like, hankering to read World Apart, but I don't want to split my poor brain! We'll see how all of this goes-I'll try to read more through the newer chapters of The Waiting Room so you won't have to suffer my post-edit bitches. lmao

This is so exciting, I can't weait to read the latest chapters!

[Mandy was in the front seat with her date and she passed a pack of cloves cigarettes to Debra and a lighter. Deb took one and passed it along to Evelyn who gladly took one. It would keep Andy from kissing her on the way home.] I don't remember this was already in here or not, but I liked it when I read it the second time. I can never think of small things like that. And I'm like, Go Evelyn!

And I don't remember-but wasn't the scene longer before it gets to Andy and Evelyn in bed? If it was, then this edit is great, because it's seamless and I can't tell. Maybe it just seemed longer before because like, I was reading it slower? god, I don't know! The earlier chapters are a little more hazy than the later chapters.

[“I wanna fly…”] Hee hee. I still remember that.

I forgot how realistic this exchange between Evelyn and Debra was! It's crazy, they have that "twin-esque" sort of personality when they're together, so they're seamless and really filial with each other.

[“Did you take those pills from Mandy …they’re just like caffeine or something.”] Was this clue here before? If not, I'm like, zomg! D:! It's weird, reading all of this-it's like replaying a dream, you're not sure if the same exact sequence happened before or not, but like, it's just creepy how we have a different awareness and focus even revisiting something familiar. Man, it's awesome.

[“Just don’t get addicted or anything like that, you wouldn’t wanna end up like Jessie from ‘Save by the Bell’ would you ?” The girls broke into laughter at the thought of one of the characters from the after-school sitcom.] This is new. LOL! I laughed out loud, lmfao

[Deb changed the subject abruptly. “Hey, didn’t that blonde hottie give you his number on Saturday?”] Hm, I think for this one, instead of saying she changed the subject abruptle (which brings too much attention to the subject changing LOL) why not just have it in dialogue: "Anyway. Hey, Evelyn, didn't that..." or even a "So, like, didn't that..." Conversations are usually pretty sporadic, you just need to indicate it with teenage/young-adult transition lines.

lmfao I'm still thinking about Saved by the Bell LOL

[He made a mental not to ask his sisters why girls needed to roam in packs.] Typo. *note.

omg, I remember I was like, bitching about him not having a cell phone especially because he's rich, and you were like "1992" and I was like "lololol oops".

and I also remember that I liked the exchange between Mark and Josh. It's small, but flawless. God, it's little miracles like those...! ee!

I'm not sure if the small dialogue between Josh and Ty was altered-probably not? Am I just reading it differently? It seems more manly to me. XD;;

I'm excited to be a part of this process! It's like, knowing your vote counts or something. lmao

OMG THERE SO CUTE! OMG JOSH AND E ARE ADORABLE! I love them. Please update ur story really soon!

Alright, [She blinked several times and glanced herself in one of the mirrors before heading back to the auditorium to find her seat.] I think that "before heading back to the auditorium to find her seat" is for the sake of detail, but the paragraph is so cinematic that it could end at "glanced AT herself in one of the mirrors." (it's missing an "at", I didn't notice that.) And then the next "scene" is Evelyn going out on stage.

I mean, I'm seeing it from the point of view of someone watching somewhat of a movie, and if the scene drags, it just feels awkward. I think there's more power in suggesting that her mother is looking at this reflection than it is to dilute it by having her walking to her seat. I think there's a small suggestion of it when she runs up onto the stage to see her baby, especially when the next paragraph starts off with "ten minutes later", there's like an inferred passage of time, and...

Am I getting too anal?

[“Oh my god….OH MY GOD! EVELYN!” She knelt down next to her daughter and began shaking her body and slapping her face] lmfao OUCH!

[Debra had remained stunned in her seat next to the ones formerly occupied by Evelyn’s parents. Large tears rolled down her wide eyes.] You fixed the tears one! It seems... weird, now. -shields herself from tomatoes.- lmfao

How about ending the scene with "She was suspended in mid-heave", or something to suggest that she's too stunned to cry. I can imagine her having a small flashbulb memory of giving Evelyn the pills, and she's too preoccupied thinking about it that she can't even processed what happened. Arg, I know, I should've thought of this sooner. Sorry, 24. But maybe it might work?

[The doctor nodded as he drew out a slow “yes.” He rubbed his lips together. “Luckily, the girl who was with him got help right away and it was fortunate that he still had the surfboard strapped to his ankle, otherwise they might not have been able to find him and it would’ve been too late.”

Surfing? Mark was about to ask, but decided against it. “Can I see him?”] I don't remember this, or at least I don't remember talking to this-it was probably added in?-anyway, I want to praise it. It's a small detail, but it's one of those strange miracles, like, it was the surf board that saved him. And of course, Mark is like "WTF SURFING I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO BE STUDYING!" It has a wonderful realism to it, especially how he dismisses it. If I were a parent, I would do the same thing. I mean, holy shit, you could yell at the kid anytime, but just the fact that he's alive and well is enough!

Yes, anyway, I really liked that. If it was already there, I apologize for not mentioning it before.

[Katherine hissed a bitter curse at the health professional. “My daughter would never touch drugs! How dare you insinuate such nonsense!” She wiped her nose with the back of her shaking hand.] See, I remember posting this before, but I want to remind you how much I love her action. lmao

[Victor could see his wife was about to light into the physician physically so he grabbed her arm and steered her away. Katherine had mascara stains running down the lower lids of her eyes, her hair was flying out of her perfectly sculpted updo and her blouse had come untucked from her skirt. “Who are these idiots!” She flung her arm back in the direction of the doctor.] The actions are wonderful, from Victor pulling her away, to her flinging back. I could see the view following her moves, I could see her whipping with all of her turns.

Awesome edits, 24.

[She paced, the click of her high heels punching out a steady rhythm.] God, this was a miniature pearl, right here. "high heels punching out a steady rhythm", that's art right there. My knee's bouncing. I'm so excited for this chapter!

[“I love her so much, Vic…” Her mouth quivered as more tears blinded her eyes. “Is this…could I have…?” She lost her words wept into his arms.] Excellent ending lines. The last few chapters are much more humane than when I last read them. I'm devastated at how you could bring yourself back into these intense scenes and edit them with the same mood in your head, as well as with the poise and deliberation you've taken with these edits. I'm breathing with my mouth open. what the hell?

Man, this is excellent, 24. I don't know how many times I'm going to say this. I'm almost too afraid to review the new chapters. I mean, I left off at a pretty exciting turning point, so I don't know what to expect. This is awesome.

Dude, 24, you have nerves of STEEL, holy crap. These edits and are amazing. I don't think I would've been able to pull all of this off, you're taking so many big leaps-granted, you might still have old copies laying around of your various revisions, just in case, but this amazing. I'm reading this and shaking my head in disbelief.

This seriously makes me want to get a graduates' degree in English, especially copy editing and proofreading. Maybe one day I could really help you.

Editing is possibly the lonelinest process next to writing; people throw as many ideas as they can at us, and we're alone, sitting in front of our screens what we should listen to and what we shouldn't. Every edit and omission is painful for me, though I usually don't hesitate to do it (like getting a shot in the arm or something).

Josh's small vignette in this chapter seems just a tad bit cluttered-it's a lot more versed and covers more bases. The strange doctor descriptions are gone, phew!

[Mark waved his hand to signal Josh to be quiet. “We’ll discuss it when you get out of here, but I’ve already started making arrangements."] This was a brave move. It gives Evelyn more response time. Excellent.

I'm glad you chose to insert Tyler here; he's got more humanity, instead of him just apologizing like, RIGHT before Josh is going to leave. I'm glad he has remorse. [Tyler sitting on a sofa bouncing his knee up and down.] I wanna steal this. I'm still looking for a place to put that akimbo description in the story I'm working on lmfao.

It was also a good call to bring Greg into all of this, for a sense of relief. [“Dude, Ty, I thought the nurses were supposed to wear the little white dress thingies…they all look like they just—” He turned to Kristin. “Well, hello there Josh’s slightly older sister.”] LOL o man i'm such a pig for loving this stuff. [When Greg didn’t peel his gaze from Kristin, Tyler grabbed his arm and forcibly dragged him along.] lmfao

You characterized them well in just that small amount of space, especially in the dynamics between Ty and Greg-I mean, it was pretty straightforward even before, but this seems to be much more nuanced. I think the reason why it feels cluttered to me is that there wasn't enough flow between the small scene change. Give us some time. Describe Kristin walking past nurses hurrying around, or maybe some old people walking and using their IVs as makeshift crutches-something to give us time to process the scene change.

O man I feel so bad. D: You're busting your ass trying to hammer in all these edits, and here I am throwing more on top of it. But I'm done with Josh's scene. I'm still taken aback by how much editing went into this.

Now, onto another incredible set of edits!

[Katherine rubbed her forehead and took a deep breath. “We’re at the hospital right now. Evelyn…she—did you give her drugs, Camilla! I swear if you did, I will have your ass—”] LOL! This is not only a good edit to place at this point, but it's always logical and believable. Dude, I'd totally blame my Hispanic babysitter, too, if my kid was landed in the hopsital. lmfao

[“No—Cam, calm down. Kat is just upset….yes, Evie’s fine….No, we know…” he gave Katherine a pointed look.] Victor in to save the day!

[The doctor smiled before returning her attention back to writing in the charts on the counter. “Mrs. Cromwell. Are you doing better?”

“It’s not me you should be concerned about,” Katherine snapped.] thank you for this edit. I think the edit before this one was too harsh on Kathy, but now we see that she's neurotic because she's worried-I mean, it's more evident and a lot warmer. I really liked this.

[“I was just going to check up on her right now,” the doctor clicked her pen and placed it in her lapel before turning away.] I totally saw this. It has a hot professional imagery to it. hahaha

[It had been several minutes since Evelyn had awakened. She was relieved that the first face she had seen was not that of her mother’s. “Hi, Evelyn. I’m Doctor Pierce.” “My parents know.” Evelyn stated dully.] So realistic! ee! I'm so excited for these edits!

[They had two openings available which is quite a rarity so you can leave as soon as we discharge you.] I thought about this momentarily and... like, dude. That sucks! I mean, the fact that it's rare that some rehab spots are open suggests there're a lot of teens getting pretty f-ed up right now. Damn..

the edits for this section are amazing, too, but it lacks the coolness that I remember from reading it the previous time-what I mean is, Evelyn felt a lot more mature. She seems more devastated and dramatic in this scene. I don't recall if you made any changes in the descriptions or her speeches (more likely the descriptions), but it just cut Evelyn down to size. I mean, it's believable, but the sarcastic and calm Evelyn isn't shining through well enough here. She just comes off as like, totally bitter. If that is what you meant to convey, then I'll back off. XD;; I just seemed to enjoy her section for her reactions.

Nevertheless, everything is falling into place-and damn, these chapters are crazy short! I thought I was hallucinating while I was skimming through them. I'm glad, because it gives me a sense of accomplishment getting these things done, and I feel more focused. Even if you plan to smash the chapters back together once you're done, I like this format for FP-I want all the sections to have adequate reviewing time.

Man, these edits are monstrously huge. I really like up to you, 24.

OH! And also, I'm going to change the title of the Bums chapter from "The Three Bums" to "The Wise Men". I know that's a miniscule detail, but I owe a buttload of my edits on this latest version of Windless to you. Thank you.

I'm going to see if I could squeeze in another review tonight. This is amazing.

Dude, this right here was a prime edit: [“She sorta…we always sang the ‘brown-eyed girl song, but she had blue eyes— like yours—so we always changed the lyrics to you know….blue-eyed…girl.”] (it's just that it's missing punctuation, the quote-end after the brown eyed girl song). That was one of the best ways to describe physical characteristics that I've seen, and it brings out some more of Josh's reverence for his mom as well as his shyness.

The other edit which was exceptionally beautiful was the addition to "Sometimes it almost seems..." The smiles mirroring-and it's so true, too! Gawd, what a beautiful line. That was a really nice edit, and I think without the soap opera comment in there, it makes everything seem a lot more wholesome. Very sexcellent, 24!

[I might scour this chapter again, if there is anything else-but I forgot that it's time to get ready for work. XD;;] I'm so excited!

Rock on, 24!

The conversaion flowed a lot better. Davis still maintains his "Dude, whatever I'm just lazy attitude", though I'm sure I wouldn't mind sitting around meditating. XD;; I like the way the reluctance was drawn out, that seems more guy-ish to me.

I still feel Evelyn's presence is the most natural in the conversation-the others feel tugged and pulled at. It might need one more slight edit, but I don't know how yet to go about doing it, but I think it's pretty damn smooth. Conversations are the hardest part to re-edit-because then you have to get back in the swing of that moment in which you wrote them, which is like, UGH! I'm not even sure how you dove back in there to write it. I have to go through and check some of the other edits before I move on, I probably won't cherry-pick everything, but just a few.

Great job on this one, 24! Exciting!

That is TOO cute. Lol. I think it's funny how I started reading this story a couple of hours ago and just finished it at 9:59pm. My cut-off time for being on the computer is 10:00 so I finished it just in time! Although, it's 10:01 now...but anyways, this is an awesome story! I think they're kind of young when it comes to all this partying and drug-addiction stuff but it's a really good story. When I saw the part about her being 14 and a freshman I was like "No way! Maybe she means freshman in college...but she still lives at home. AND it says she's 14." lol. I didn't have my first drink until I was 16 and a SENIOR in high school. How sad is that? But anyways, great story and I'm going to go finish reading it on your website! I just can't wait to finish reading it but I'll def read the updates on fictionpress too. Btw, quick question. You're revising this story and I'm actually doing that with mine too. I was wondering, when you deleted all the chapters on this story, did it keep your reviews? Because I want to re-do one of mine but I'm not sure if I should start a new story and just delete all the chapers and then start it. I want to keep my reviews (hehe as strange as that sounds) but I don't want two of the same story and I DEFINETELY don't want anyone to read the crappy un-edited version. Well, thanks and I can't wait for an update!

good one! It's really a good chapter u have got here! Keep up the good work! I wonder what will happen to them oh ya, I need "Covet" desperately... hehe...Hope you will do a good job on that story as well Good luck!

Great story and great chapters... I like it almost as much as your World Apart story, which I'm going to go read the new chapter now. You've got great writing skills... looking forward to reading more.