O man, I’m crippled by my own bad time organization skills. And also by this romantic chapter. I have a hard time bringing down the hammer on warm or humorous stories for some reason.

But one thing I wanted to mention before getting into this piece. I had this initial shock at seeing Josh’s unusual straightforwardness, and I thought it progressively for a few days, and now I think I understand the sudden transition. It’s like, Evelyn just turned on this switch inside of him. I think it’s close to what a quick chemical reaction is—an explosive one or one that changes the physical makeup of something. Maybe it is Evelyn’s personality, or even just her aura that makes him want to be more straightforward. Okay, other than a chemical reaction, I think a closer example is the way people act around others they have just met. Depending on who you are with, your personality will have a tint of something. Maybe with a dark and cynical person, you’ll be less apt to wanting to talk about how awesome your day was; around a silly, borderline complacent person you’ll laugh incessantly and tell a joke or two of your own. Not to say people change, exactly. The sun will strike a different facet of a crystal that makes it shine brighter than all the other facets. There it goes.

I happen to like Josh as the charming, straightforward, honest and sensitive guy he is at this rehabilitation center than as he was out of it. It was awkward and sad.

Alright, now I think I’ll get into the chapter. I feel that the real highlight of this chapter was the religion section. It was refreshing to see. Whenever I see religion introduced into any story, I get softer. Lay thick on top of romance and humor and I’m done for. It’s just that when I read it, I had a sense of detachment—I think it’s the way the dialogue went. I’ll get more into it later. This chapter went by really fast. Faster than the previous chapters.

[“Rise and shine it’s wake up time!”] I want to see a comma there. Or maybe an Emma dash. I understand that the person is saying it fast and with robustness, but it’ll seem a lot less distracting with some punctuation.

[Sleep had eluded him that night so he was the first to slide out of his bunk.] The comma before “so” is optional.

[asked Josh to no one in particular as he scruffed his messy bed head hair] I read “no one in particular” and thought of that guy who wanders around on all sorts of stories/sites reviewing like crazy. Have you seen him before? He’s everywhere.

[“Eh…” a mixture of rumbles and grunts were received.] Pick one or the other.

[His mother swam in college and ever since he was a baby she’d been taking him to the ocean to teach him how to swim.] I liked this sentence. Symbolically, the mother has, since his birth, been trying to immerse him into the deep unknown, and also reemerging him back into a safe place that is like her womb. When a mother provides this kind of atmosphere for her child, she is furnishing a healthy mental development—I don’t know if it’s a myth or not, but I heard that right when babies are born, if you immerse them in water, it’s almost like a simulation of the uterus, and they won’t choke or die or anything. Like, they have gills? Something like that.

[She used to bug Josh to play with her, but gave up when she realized his idea of tennis was swinging the racket with both hands as hard as he could to see if he could launch the ball over the fence.] LOL! I can only imagine Josh as a scruffy ragtag if he is placed side-by-side with his older sisters.

[Before he left, she’d always reminded him to remember who made the ocean and the beach for him to play on. “It’s like a giant playground made by God for us to enjoy!”] This sounds like something my friend Michelle would say. Her and I used to talk about God all the time. Right now, she’s in Italy. She just sent a letter saying that she wished she was close to God again because she misses mental freedom. I could totally hear her saying that giant playground line, except she wouldn’t be as heavenly about it. She’d yell or say it in an extremely excited way while throwing her arms up as if she were on a rollercoaster. She would always say: “omg Joan it’s like Jesus was RIGHT THERE in that little dancing baby! EE!” Later on in the chapter, when Josh expresses without hesitation his religious opinion, it makes sense and doesn’t feel so awkward to the readers even if it is to the writers. It’s like, his mother’s memory is his anchor. Now that I think about it, I haven’t seen… very much of a religious influence on the earlier chapters. Well, with the exception to Katherine. I mean, nothing stuck out at me religiously except for Katherine and going to church and calling her daughter a slut. XD! I’m now kind of wishing that there were a little more religious specs in the other chapters. I might have forgotten, but I don’t want to falsely claim that I remember Elise saying other things along the lines of God and Love. Yeah, maybe you can point them out to me if I missed them, because it’ll be bothering me for a while now.

[“Yeah, I could see that about you.” Her eyes did a similar once over. “I’ve spent more time in tights and a leotard in a dance studio than anywhere else.”] Uh oh. Ice breaker time! I could totally imagine her saying “Yeah, I could see that about you” with a face like this: 8D! LOL

[A few thoughts of what she’d look like in that outfit entered into his mind.] Total guy ‘flex.

[he asked as their steps fell in synch with each other.] *sync (I think—that rhymes). Because, synch is like… “Naw, man, that’s a synch.” And sync is like ‘N Sync. …in. Sync. Ahem.

[“Eight-forty five,” she answered.] And I think this is “Eight forty-five”.

[Josh bit his lip to keep his smile from exploding too much.] Hot. :3

[he stated as they parted ways in opposite directions toward their rooms.] Whoa, whoa whoa. This sentence is like. 1) They parted ways. 2) They were going in opposite directions. 3) They headed to their respective rooms. I think the best way to indicate this action of them leaving is just to say: “he stated as they headed toward their (respective) rooms.” Because you already revealed to us in the chapter before this one that the guys’ and girls’ rooms are separated for safety reasons. So, I can safely guess that they are in opposite directions.

[Arianne had been following a distance behind and raced up to her when Josh was a ways down the hall.] Okay, you mentioned this in my story. We have to talk about the “a way’s away”/“a ways” thing some time. I GOTTA KNOW! 8D!

[She practically tackled Evelyn. “E! What’d he say!”] LOL so girly

[Arianne linked arms with Evelyn as they bounced down the hallway.] I love the way you write actions. I want to steal this; it’s so animated and warm!

[An hour later at breakfast, Davis and Cadance dominated the conversation] Cadance and Davis fan!

Samera and Lenny? XD;; I’m just dreaming. Don’t mind me.

[“Well, I don’t even a have a problem, my parents sent me here,” Davis took a sip of his Coke.] Arg, I do this a lot, too. Gilee7 informed me it was grammatically wrong, and I was like “So wut biznatch?” No, no. I didn’t do that. I took a whole day scouring Windless for every single time I did it. ARG I did it like ten million times! sdsdfl Okay, but yeah. Usually there should be a period to close off the dialogue if it directly follows an action. I stress the “usually” because I believe in small snips of poetic license.

[Josh and Evelyn caught each other’s eye and smirked hoping the other was thinking the same thing. Maybe getting caught by their parents was turning out to be the best thing that happened to them.] The narration is so honest. It doesn’t “elude” to anything or use ellipses in this really coy, coquettish way. It understands the blossoming love between the two characters and is like an embodied Arianne in the way it tells us about Josh and Evelyn. I’ve read a lot of stories where the narration attempts the dumb card and tries to fool us by making us think we’re seeing things or that the story itself doesn’t see the characters fall in love. The only time I accept that is in first person narration, and they usually have to have a good reason for wanting to deny feelings, like a) being afraid of pain, b) being ignorant or naïve, or c) being too lazy to cope with feelings. I might post a small ditty I did a while ago called “Not Another School Drama” in which the guy KNOWS his best friend likes him, but he doesn’t do a darn thing about it because he’s too lazy to confront his feelings. Lolol maybe. But yeah, thank God for this narration. Except for that one line where it said that the sweet romance between Josh and Evelyn is like a “hackneyed soap opera”. Oh man, I was totally on that like white on rice. Seriously.

[He stated that technically if Christians were saved by grace and if their past and future sins were supposedly forgiven, then it meant he could still mess around. If he was sinning, it didn’t matter because God had already forgiven him.] LOL Every time I read this, I get this uncontrollable smile for some reason. I think because I was totally like him at one point, until I got a big smack in the face by Reality. I think it was because I suddenly thought of this analogy—like, if God were a lover or a friend. Would I really want to cheat Him out like that? Especially a worrisome and good friend who is always hoping you’re on the right track and making the most out of your life, or a lover that would never want you to cheat him or her out of things. Yeah, but I was so totally Davis while I was in grade school. I think sometimes I still am. Because God is so lenient. I’ve always been receptive to things around me when I was a child, and I saw everything that happened to me and to the people around me as direct consequences of what I have done. It’s why I was so totally afraid of making mistakes, even honest ones. I was afraid of going to Hell, and I was also afraid God wouldn’t love me. It wasn’t until college where I saw that God wasn’t trying to punish or reward me, but He was really just trying to bring me to awareness that all actions have consequences. And that we act for the sake of being good people and glorifying Him, not because we want a reward or want to avoid punishment. So I stopped being afraid and being more loving, in-tune, and deliberate with my faith. But every now and then I get these blonde moments where I stop thinking about how strong His presence is and hope He’s not watching me while I’m doing something terrible. Like kicking a pigeon or something. lmao

Sometimes I even have debates with an inner me that wonders if I’m really using my writing abilities in the right way. I realize that truth also involves pain and ugliness, so I show it and try not to be embarrassed about it, but I still question whether my work or my critiques are gratuitous and self-serving or offensive to God. It’s a really arduous struggle that I’ve gone through for a long time. I think what worries me even more is when I see wholesome works like these—or, when omg, (pen name) JennyMR tried to review Windless and totally freaked. She said something along the lines of: ‘It’s a good story and all, but the language is a little too harsh for me. *blushes*’ And I was close to regretting having reviewed her story (also religious, but it didn’t really have that quality of reverence, because it was about rape—it exploited the girl’s rape a little too much to be reverent), but then I got distracted and freaking out about whether my story is wholly inappropriate and of no value. I still wonder sometimes. In a way, reading The Waiting Room or works by MonochromeLovers or ReluctantWriter is a sort of comfort.

[All seven pairs of eyes turned and gaped at him. “How do you know that?” asked Samera] I want to see emphasis on the staring. Break lines after it so Samera’s in a new one.

[“I dunno.”] This was killer. I think this story is about identity. It’s like the other characters are carving stones that shape Evelyn and Josh into people with religious, moral, spiritual, philosophical and other convictions. That’s what I think will happen, at least. There’s a good 20 some-odd chapters left, and you’ve done a shitload of characterization in these chapters already, so I’ll probably be blown out of the water by the later chapters. I’m excited! [Evelyn thought about her zealous mother at the same time.] hahahaha I think you should exaggerate it by saying “over-zealous”, but that’s just me. That’s what my brother calls my mom, and I usually say: “She’s not over-zealous, she’s just clinically insane and lovable!” But that usually doesn’t warrant a good response. He usually starts bitching about the Pope or something, which I find wholly unproductive and completely un-nourishing? Yeah. XD!

[Once again Evelyn looked over with a slight smile on her face at Josh who interjected again. “I don’t think so. What about all the religions that say theirs is the only truth and your religion is wrong?”] I can see Josh being strong about his faith, but I still can’t get over remnants of his shyness. He might need someone to pull his teeth a little. I could see: [“I don’t think so,” Josh said. Everyone else waited for him to continue, but he didn’t look like he was going to. “Er. Why don’t you think so?” Davis replied. “I don’t know…” “Oh, come on,” Cadance rolled her eyes. “Spit it out.” “Well, what about all the other religions that say theirs is the only truth and your religion is wrong?”] I think it’s more appropriate that way. Besides, the leap from Davis saying he doesn’t give a hoot to Josh saying he thinks everyone gives a hoot is a little choppy, as if Josh wasn’t really listening. Because it’s Davis’ opinion that it doesn’t matter to him, because he doesn’t have a religion yet—and then Josh comes charging in talking about how all religions think they’re the only right ones. See the jump in logic? At least, if Josh disagrees, he’s not disagreeing with Davis exactly, but with people who feel like it doesn’t matter/only one religion matters.

[Cadance narrowed her eyes curiously.] I loved this action. I wanted to steal this too.

Okay, but the jump in logic from Davis’ to Josh’s to Cadance’s thoughts are too abrupt. Not to say that teens AREN’T sporadic, but I think the logic should be more apparent and less disconnected. So let’s just say, Davis says something like: “Well, yeah, I guess you’re right. Anyway I think that being a Christian is the best way to go—they have Heaven and they seem to be the most correct.” In this way, Davis still comes off as seeming pretty indifferent and humorous, but people can already see where the topic is going. Arg, I mean, there are other ways to go about this, but the flow of logic is usually a LOT smoother in books, unless the narration states that the character was thinking about something totally different, so by the time he says something a little off tangent, it’s not like: “Huh?” It’s more like: “Ha!”

[Evelyn snorted in disgust. “Not according to my mother.”] This was SO Evelyn. This was a good example of narration warning us about someone’s thoughts, especially if they’re a little too personal or slightly off-tangent, because a few lines back, she thinks about her “zealous” mother. And plus, this sounds like a line that Evelyn would TOTALLY say.

[He wished he could scoot his chair closer, but wanted to avoid any unnecessary teasing from the group.] Aww! That’s another total guy worry.

LOL I just saw a commercial, and like, I didn’t catch the horse’s name, until it showed the movie title at the end: “FLICKA” in big letters. lmfao

[“Well kiddies, it was nice chatting, but I got places to see, people to do!” Brett rose from his seat. Josh laughed. Brett reminded him of Greg.] LOL Yeah! That’s what I thought, too. And my brothers say that all the time. This is like, the first line he’s said, too. I could imagine him giving everyone else a Keanu Reeves gape as they argue about more intelligent things. lmfao But I also won’t be surprised if he is more vocal about other intelligent issues, like politics. Some people just like to steer clear of certain topics.

[“Nice,” Josh grinned. “Lenny and Davis and I are the same group with you.”] convenient chance for romance omg I’m so embarrassed. XD! But man, I love Davis and Lenny. I want to see a billion chapters with them in it.

[She turned to Josh and asked if he’d ever done this. He shook his head which eased her tension even more. “Me neither,” she breathed.] the “Me neither” came out in this sexy, seductive way. lmao

[“For some reason, I wouldn’t be as nervous if you were standing next to me.” She then turned her head immediately as if pretending the words hadn’t actually come out of her mouth.] I love the sensitive way the story characterizes Evelyn.

[But sitting in such close proximity of each other sent both their hearts racing, especially when their skin brushed against one another’s.] More honest narration. What I especially liked about this chapter was how bravely the narration approaches sexual tension and young love. Sometimes when a character is too jaded and knows the motions too well or is sort of flaccid when it comes to romantic response usually makes me more incredulous, and I have to read into whether the story is apprehensive, or if the character is genuinely jaded. This seems incredibly authentic, especially how close they are trying to relate to each other, their excitement, their inability to focus, their one-trackedness (not a word, but whatever! XD!). It’s cute because it’s so honest. If it wasn’t honest, I’d be rolling my eyes left and right, I think. I really commend this chapter for its honesty and authenticity. It is a very warm chapter.

Oh! And let me also mention! It feels like I’ve already been with these characters for a long time, and this is only the second chapter. And their personalities are personalities that are easy to familiarize with, and it’s like, I can hear myself say: “omg Davis is so totally like that” and other phrases in my head relatively close to that. Great job with the characterization. It’s your strong suit, along with animating the characters in really colorful, vivid, realistic and crisp ways. I really enjoy it.

Okay, I think they’re meeting up way too much. Maybe in this chapter, once or twice is good. I want to be starved. I mean, they have a lot of sexual tension and anxiety and hormones, and it would probably help to keep them apart a little bit. D: I might suffer eating up my words when I see that they’ve got this… immaculately spicy and hot burning bottomless cauldron of desire. That… didn’t make sense. LOL! But I don’t wanna erase it. Ugh, okay, maybe I should tone down my suggestion. I mean, come on, what am I saying? My characters are completely flaccid compared to these characters. But maybe in later chapters, if they’re together too much during the honey moon stage, I might hold up the red sign. For now, I’ll retreat, since I like the scene they have here anyway. It’s my favorite one in this chapter. I think that this scene is ALSO this chapter’s favorite one. I could tell. XD!

[“Hey!” she pouted standing akimbo.] omg you don’t know how much I love these actions. I had to look up “akimbo”, but I loved it!

[Wanting to continue her flirtatious banter, Evelyn cocked her head feigning curiosity.] I’m in characterization ecstasy. This narration! So beautiful in this chapter!

[Realizing how close his face was to hers, Josh cleared his throat and took a step back.] Classic anime device. You’re killing me. I’m going to die. DX [Evelyn chided herself on thinking he’d want to kiss her.] This saved that action, but I don’t know. I hope Evelyn is thinking that because she feels embarrassed that Josh would be straightforward and not the whole: “Oh, I’m not good enough” approach. I really think she knows she’s beautiful, and I know she realizes the attraction, so I’m opting for the former option. I see Evelyn in this mature, classy way, and every little will change my opinion of her at this rate, unless it’s something completely clownish or something else. She just seems to exhume this classiness and receptiveness for some reason. I think it’s her name that really shapes her delicate character.

Josh is just oozing Calvin Klein hotness. You don’t understand how hot he looks in my head. Not to say… it effects my reviewing or anything? c_c no, that’s a lie. It totally does. lmao I like the way the story characterizes shyness without having to say it. I read part of this section to Moon, and did a Josh/Evelyn exchange, and he was laughing because he could hear it.

[He shrugged. “I guess I was wondering if you were on a diet or something. Growing up with my sisters, all they ever ate was salad because they thought they were too fat.”] I love it when men talk about women in an affectionate way. At least he doesn’t go all out right away telling her like: WHY R U ON A DIET LOL UR HOT.

[Evelyn chuckled. “Well, we gotta look good for the guys, don’t we?” she eyed him wondering what his response was going to be.] See, the first time I read this, I didn’t expect Evelyn to say something like this. I thought she was going to say something initially about dancing and THEN about the pressure to look good. I was really surprised.

[“I’m sorry,” was all he said quietly in a sad whisper looking deeply into her eyes.] Too much. XD! It looks to dramatic. I think it needs a bit more flatness and a bit more shyness. I don’t think these characters have enough audacity to be blatantly dramatic like this.[Staring at her body in the mirror at dance class for hours didn’t contribute to the cause of self-esteem either.]

There. I thought her speech would have embodied this type of anxiety.

[Sometimes Evelyn tried to make herself throw up, but just couldn’t do it.] Oh, this honesty! Such candid statements. They’re so candid that they seem natural and subconscious. I love it. [She figured eating like a rabbit was just a sacrifice she had to make to be a dancer.] And the phrase “eating like a rabbit” was perfect for this statement. I don’t know why, it was just perfect.

[“I wish the world didn’t put such pressure on girls. I always felt bad that my sisters couldn’t see how pretty they are…” His eyes studied Evelyn’s face for a moment. “Besides, that’s not really what holds a guy’s attention in the long run.”] ERT ERT! WRITER FANTASY. I don’t question that Josh is like this, but I also think he’s smart and self-conscious enough to probably double-take on himself, or realize how sappy it sounds. But he takers this really serious, dramatic turn and this is where the eye-rolling on the reader’s behalf starts showing up. Curb this a little. Not too much, just a little. Maybe the “what holds a guy’s attention” line could be bumped off the page. I believe him to be sincere, but I also think he’s smart and knows that most guys “know the ropes”, and I am also sure that he has heard Greg use this sort of approach before. The “sensitive guy” approach. So, be careful with confusing Josh for a ladies’ man, which he isn’t. I think the action of staring at Evelyn’s face would do the trick and say the last line without having to say it. But that’s just me being a nit-picky bastard.

[“Yeah, but don’t you think looks are important to grab that attention in the first place?” she countered and the grin that was fast beginning to stir emotions slowly took shape on his face again, but this time it looked like he was ready for an argument.] Way to save the day, Evelyn. XD!

[“Yes, but girls are much more interested in a cute face with an irresistible smile—” Josh blushed, unable to stop the widening of his smile. “—than just a hot looking body.”] Excellent!

LOL sfgbs,jk fat joke lmfao That was so totally the highlight of this chapter. I think I even quoted it in your LiveJournal. O man I have such a mean streak for humor that was so hilarious

[“Oh, c’mon. Liar. Don’t get all mysterious on me now.”] I seriously love Evelyn. [Evelyn pretended to think very deeply and tapped her pointer finger on her lips.] Look at how gorgeous her characterization is.

[He was pleased with how this flirting session was panning out.] I loved this sentence. How many times did I use the phrases “I love” or “I like” in this chapter? XD! No, but yeah, this sentence was smooth and it was worded impeccably. And it has that tint that only 24’s writing style would have. I think that’s why I like it so much.

Okay, and yet another reason to be close. Teaching each other a new skill! 8D! So they live in the same house, are in the same group miraculously, and even sit with each other at lunch. Geez, why don’t they just elope? Damn love birds makin’ me jealous. /

[“If you can surf as well as I’m guessing that you can, then dancing should be cake.”] Maybe you could re-phrase this, I like the “I’m guessing” because it’s more humble than “I think”, which is why I think (XD) you used it, but maybe the “that” can go.

[Josh clasped it tightly and their hands lingered in one anothers.] Don’t get Asian on me. XD! *another’s.



Ah, it felt so good to review! I have CS, NGHI, MS, S, and the other CS to review still, but it felt good to review anyway. I have a low reviewing stamina and take long periods for recharging and dealing with the rest of Life (which I don’t enjoy nearly as much as reading and reviewing a good story!). But seriously, this felt therapeutic to be reading and reviewing. I often feel this pressure to want to review people right away, but all my mental strength fails me and I find myself closing browsers more often than not. It’s an accomplishment to even get a chapter every two weeks done. And it seriously helps that the story is enjoyable to read—I’ve been through some pretty grueling ones. Like Gilee7’s older works. O man, those were hell. And he totally knows it. But this is light, fun, thoughtful—and honest. Which are my favorite components in stories, especially that last one.

As for overall presentation, I found it to be easy and pleasing to read. The chapters get more ironed out the more I read, because I can feel the story immersing itself into a more authentic place. When I read this story, I feel like I’m actually entering into its world, and all the characters are as I left them. It’s very solid. Not to say that elusive stories are bad, but I think I love it when things are concrete, because my mind feels more at ease (and at home) with a story I can identify with. I’m more used to cynical, mean writing, so this is definitely a switch for me. Reading these latest chapters feels just like Thanksgiving with my family.

Hopefully I’ll start seeing the other chapters pop up, too. In the mean time, I’ll have to pick up the pace with everyone else, because I’ve seriously left them hanging. It’s just that this story has been on my mind for the past week and a half and I had to get the lead out before it all disappeared.

I should seriously go back to taking notes down in my journal. I feel like I’m missing something. Anyway, thank you for the enjoyable read (and also the reviews—I mean, holy shit! I can’t thank you enough for those. I have a lot to rework, too, because you’ve set a higher bar than what I even saw for my own work. I’m grateful for it the most. I totally changed the genre from "humor" to "drama" when you recommended it. That was extremely insightful of you. omg thank you D:!)

Rock on, 24!

Well, this could be considered another build up chapter with alot of humorous points in it, and some more. I really liked the way you portrayed the scenarios in it, they fit, though I felt that one or two parts seemed kind of rushed in order to get Evelyn and Josh in each other's company.

This chapter also contained a lot of coy flirting in it, lol. The descriptive words in here that gave a light to the scenario were also good. Like when you had it Evelyn made her small declaration that she was interested in Joshua, then turned her head... That had me laughing, because it reminded me of one of those, "Damn, why'd I have to open my big mouth", then she tried to play it off, hoping that if he had heard her, which he did, that he wouldn't make a fool of her. Just thinking about it has me smiling.

Her roommates are still quite humorous, they remind me of the average teenagers, that are interested in one thing and a million more after that.

And Evelyns's going to teach him how to dance, that's a far cry from surfing, but I'm sure you're going to have it work out just fine. Their talk was pretty hilarious in the small ways that seemed like a real conversation a person would go through. Not the surfing and dancing bit, of course, but the whole truce idea and all, it was pretty nice.

I guess the most realisitc touch of their conversation was about how girls consider eating alittle bit of food will attract guys... It was done in the past and still is, I think more so now, though... And so, I'm not going to bore you with my review, or stupid rants about life.

this was a very nice chapter, and hopefully you'll add more soon.

I wanted to review you for both chapters, but because of a busy schedule and on and on, I'm reduced to waiting until tomorrow, or when I have time to read the next chapter. So, I hope you don't mind.

This chapter was alot lighter than the others it seemed. From his meeting her, until the ending, everything was light. Not saying that's a bad thing, because it definitely isn't. It's one of those chapters that I call a build-up, where not everything in it is important, but it contains alot of important things in it. Such as, her meeting her roommates, who by the way seem very realistic, and down to earth. Then her meeting, and instant attraction to Josh, and his making an acquaintance of Brett.

I think it was very good, and descriptive in a way that gave away the scenario very in a catchy way that is good for catching a readers eye... Especially for romance.

And I knew it being in a rehab facility, it has to have some type of chores... Mostly when it's for teenagers, I guess it's supposed to give the person some understanding of restraint and discipline. So, when I saw that Arianne told Evelyn about the chores and what they had to do in order to get private time, I laughed.

Then the small girl-talk part that was writen at the end sounded very... girly in the aspect of what alot of what girls do when together... except for me, I have one girl friend, and when she does stay over, we have so many random conversations that are about important things, it isn't funny. It's like sitting in a lecture all over again, except two people are talking.

And anywho, I'll end this review with a, hopefully I'll be able to review you soon for the last review looks so long in the small little box, but it's really not... And I'm not going to kill your eyes anymore.

The last two chapter were an exceptionally good build up, I must say. The way that you brought everything together was very nice and realistic in its own way. I'll even admit, it got me a little teary eyed, from remembering past things, and at the moment I was listening to Hotel California, by The Eagles. Your chapter, mainly the fifth one, where in a way everyone is stuck in their own illusons of what they would like for their lives to be like, but their attempts at it are failing, and they can't break away from it. Or because they can't cope with something, or wish to be better than what they are, they build up a wall around them. It's like building a sand castle, sooner or later the waves move in and demolish it.

What I normally look for in stories like this that demand emotion in it, is the emotion in it that makes the chapter. To me, no matter how badly, or greatly written it is, if it has emotiion that is just right for the story, then it has won me over. For your story, it was the realism, and emotion in it. As well as a few other authors on FP, not many can evoke emotion in a story properly.

It's evident that everybody in this story is frustrated about something, and instead of trying to talk it out, it's one of those, "It'll never be solved" scenarios that tend to be truer than fiction can portray. I know this from dealing with it myself, and seeing it continuously.

In small words, the chapters were effective and great, nothing to comment on.

The second chapter was really intersting. It showed more into Evelyn's life, her character, and other things,such as her family, friends, habits. The good point about this story that is interestng is that she's the average teenager. I hate to use the word stupid, but after seeing three of my older brothers do the same things, only being boys, I can only describe it as stupid, because to me, I knew there were girls with them as well. And always had to question myself of why they did things that were going to be no good in the long run. Not saying that I'm a goodie two shoes, who is, but I'm just not dumb enough to consider myself to have been, or to be the average teenager.

As far as the chapter goes, it could use some revision for certain things, and there were places where things were missing, but who doesn't do that. It's not like we're published authors, we don't have editors. There were sentences that I found that could've been better phrased, or the 'one liner descriptions' as I call them, could have been better described. For example, when you put in the second chapter at the beginning, "Evelyn made no attempt to respond to her mother". It was a one line that could have showed more life in Evelyn, more reaction towards why she felt this way about her mother instead of the typical angry teenager who is set in her ways.

The dialogue is fine, though at times I found it to be too abrupt, like it could have been said after a set of words that described an action of a person, whether Evelyn or anybody else. There were also times that the sentences seemed to be fragment ones and could've been with the one before it, but weren't. Some other sentences were too abruptly mentioned, which made them stand out more than necessary.

Other than that I think that's it for the second chapter. I feel myself compelled to add my little input on what the story is like for me, life experiences-wise, but will refrain from it, seeing as that I have to talk about the other chapter I read.

For chapter three, I think the part where his father comes into narration for a quick second is unnecessary. It somewhat takes the readers off guard, because afterwards you take it back to Joshua and we're not sure what exactly happened there. Maybe you could have it in Joshua's thought process that he knows his father is worrying about him, or something of the other.

I notice you changed tenses when you put, "It was something serious, something beautiful that only a husband and wife can share." I think it should be, something that only a husband and wife COULD share.'I'm also not sure if the surfer bit fits when the two girls are talking to him, but it's possibly because of the area you chose to put him in, right?You could also have more action descritpion when your characters are carrying a conversation, maybe show his reaction to a thought more, or what he's doing while he's talking, whether he's picking his nose or not, 's nothing much that I can really say about this one, regarding that I practically said it all about the second chapter. I do think there could be more description, and more character depth. Such as, why Evelyn chooses to act the way she does, her mother, and life style? To me that's not really a good enough reason, and Joshua, for him to smoke marijuana, then decide to try cocaine, the reason for his mother dying is a good one, but not strong enough. It's understood that his father was never there for him, and now he has to cope with his father being present along with his two sisters being gone, but still not clicking with me.I mean, I can't be sure because I haven't made it to the other chapters, but I think that it could use more depth of the characters and why they choose to do what they do, with a plausible reasoning, though there's nothing plausible about smoking crack, doing cocaine, or being out of control, but what the hell, we all do , I'll be back, I wanted to squeeze in another chapter to review you for, but that didn't happen, being that I have to get to work... So, hopefully I'll return to finish the next chapters.

Alright. Let me first re-introduce by saying: I love Evelyn's roommates. There were a few things I wanted to look over, but nothing major. The chapter went smoothly and introduced all the characters well, so now all we need to do with this chapter is fine-tuning. All the details seemed fine. The names on the door seemed more like a college dormitory thing to me, but I kind of like that. In essence, both Evelyn and Josh are flying away from the nest and going to another institution where they have to learn, study, get along, take care of themselves, etc. It’s almost like college, excellent three to four years too early for both the main characters. I was going to question why Brett wanted to play some Sega with Josh, when I realized (again) that it was 1992. I was like: “Man, Sega is so crustacean period.” I play a lot of video games and have three brothers with pretty guy-ish interests, so if you have any questions about that, you could ask me any time.

The rehabilitation place has the convenience of being really rich, a lot like a resort, but it’s also decked out with the inhabitants’ special touch. I think every now and then, there should be a small detail about how even though the rehabilitation center has a lot of good stuff, it lacks (or has forgotten on its itinerary list) a few things that make the inhabitants miss home. Maybe all they have is Sega and not Nintendo, or maybe they want more movies, or a certain type of softener that someone’s mom used to use a lot. I think these things would give a bit more realism to this fantasy castle that Evelyn and Josh have arrived at. Remember: Perfect is fine. But not -too- perfect. This goes for everything else.

Ahem. So the biggest cringe-factor belonged to the descriptions. There was nothing wrong with what was written, it was just WHERE they were written, in terms of time and convenience. The second thing is the interactions between Josh and Evelyn. They’re not adults or anything, but their interactions have that Goofy “Gawrsh” stamp written all over them. I think, if you try and recall how you were in high school, there might be a lot more nuances you have to offer.

I enjoyed seeing Evelyn in a natural setting like this because she is so graceful and refined, and she really mixes well with her roommates. I love Arianne and Cadace (I loved the whiskey anecdote for her name) and how funny they are. And I hope Drew shows up more because I really like him. Anyway. That was a more general overview, now I’m going to go into the story and pick out a few things.



I enjoy most of Josh’s sections because they’re brief and give the reader exactly what they need to know, though, I understand the more lengthier sections Evelyn has. She’s full of dimension.

[Josh turned around relieved and smiled at the tall skinny guy who looked to be only a few years older than Josh. He had spiky hair and wore baggy jeans with a black t-shirt that had the sleeves cut off revealing tattoos on both of his upper arms.] Here’s our first HOLY GOD description. I think this could be spread out much evenly over the sections Drew is with Josh and Evelyn. The important descriptions here will give away the personality: “tall skinny guy”, “tattoos on both of his upper arms”. Those descriptions can help give people a better idea of what Drew looks like, without going overboard with the clothes and the hair and the yadda yadda. It would actually be more useful if Drew was compared to Josh in clothes and manner. Because a girl will notice fashion more than a guy will. So maybe she first sees Drew, takes in a few more (new) characteristics and then sees JOSH. We don’t need many descriptions about Josh because 1) we know he surfs, 2) we know he’s handsome because girls keep hitting on him, 3) he hangs out with a certain crowd. Maybe his hair color and eye color are going to be semi-important, but it would be best for someone of Evelyn’s mind to describe his demeanor, the way he stands, the way he shifts feet, the way he upturns his eyes instead of raising his chin, etc.

Oh, sexy. Josh can play the guitar. I can’t wait to see that. I wish he had been shown playing his guitar a little while ago (and if I missed it, I apologize). It would’ve been cool to watch him play guitar right after taking a bit of crack. It’ll show his anger and sadness in the way he strums, and how out of it he is when he can’t even focus on playing his favorite song. His favorite song would be important, too. Maybe something all-encompassing about his character and state of mind. I don’t know if you’ll want to go back and try to insert that somewhere, or maybe later. But I think it would be cool. Because not only is Josh an illustrator, he is also a musician. And these details are important to describing their mental scope on the world. I hope you don’t forget about how much he draws. Maybe you could throw in that instead of putting up posters, he puts up drawings in his room of his mom. “Who’s that fox?” Brett butted in. “That fox is my –mom-, you butt licker.” Josh said. XD!

Josh is multi-talented, but it really isn’t accentuated. At this point in time, these talents he has only seme like devices to make him look cooler. Evelyn embodies the grace and sophistication of her art. Josh just seems like a kid. Maybe you’re going to flesh him out in the later chapters. I’ll try and keep my eyes peeled.

[“Um, they like run the place, right?”] With this one, I see Josh saying. “Uh. They like run the place, I think.” The phrasing up there sounds girly, even though I could hear a guy saying it. “Uh” is usually more guyish than “Um”. It’s the LAW, 24. (

[“My official title is glorified errand boy.” Josh smiled and decided he liked Drew.] Yeah. Me too. XD!

[“M, some girl from San Francisco. Her name is Evelyn. You can help me spot her.”] “some girl” sounds derogatory coming out of Drew. How about: “M, she’s from San Francisco. Her name’s Evelyn. You can help me spot her, Josh-man.” Okay, you don’t need the “Josh-man”, but the rest might be nice.

[she shouldn’t be too hard to spot. Just keep your eyes peeled for a girl who looks like a deer caught in the headlights. That’s how I spotted you.”] hahaha

[She sighed and cast her gaze downward as she saw passengers running into arms of loved ones who were waiting to greet them.] This was a good opening sentence for her section. I’d feel pretty forlorn if I was going off to this new place all alone.

Uh-oh. The next sticky description: [When she finally lifted her eyes they met a pair of emerald ones. The boy had his hands stuffed in the pockets of his loose jeans and he was wearing a tight fitting white t-shirt with the long green sleeves pushed up to his elbows. A smile tugged slightly at the ends of her lips when she realized she had an urge to straighten out his messy sun bleached hair. She pretended that he was her boyfriend coming to meet her with a big hug and kiss after a long absence.] The last sentence was particularly significant. That’s should remain. Let me see… what could you use in this first paragraph that is important? I’m just going to pick a few things out, and everything else could be distributed through the van scene, or better yet, the dinner table. A person isn’t going to grab everything at once, especially if the other person is striking or beautiful. The first thing is always the face, hair or demeanor. It’s like, you see them—and everything’s so overwhelming that you kind of just focus on their face for a bit. And if they walk past you and cut eye-contact, you’ll probably notice a few other things. Like, their jeans or something. Or the way they walk. Too many descriptions at once might possibly be as overwhelming for Evelyn as it is for the reader. “hands stuffed in his pockets”—and omg, long sleeves pushed up is totally hot, but maybe you could save that for another time. But seriously, that is so hot, I love it when they do that. And his smile would be good. Okay, hands in pockets, smile, and maybe his hair. Take out the color of the eyes. Give her time to notice the most striking details. Save all other details for more intimate moments where she could get over the initial shock meeting someone as hot as him.

Another sticky description: [Josh watched her nod and tug on her wavy chocolate hair that was pulled back in a banana clip. A few sweaty curls had escaped and were framing her face. He ventured that without removing his gaze away from her top half that the rest of her was equally to his liking. He thought her blue eyes seemed out of place with her olive skin and hair. The baby blue t-shirt brought out the color even more.] It’s like, she notices how hot he is, he notices how hot SHE is. Redundant. Pick one person or the other. Preferably Evelyn. Then you could pick another place where Josh can fawn all he wants over Evelyn. It gets too corny and too tedious if both people notice how hot the other is.

[Sometimes it seems as if you’ve always known someone. Meeting for the first time is simply a necessary formality.] this is weird and omnipotent, but the reason why I like it there is just to give all that description going on a certain balance. I think if this sentence followed right after: “He opened his mouth and said her name”, we’d really be getting somewhere.

[He took a few steps and then stopped a couple of feet in front of her. A late exiting passenger from behind bumped into her and she lost her footing. Josh grabbed her by the shoulders as she stumbled into him. She flushed immediately and mumbled an apology. He smelled really watched the exchange between the teenagers with a smirk. It was something scripted from a hackneyed soap opera.] Nuh-uh. You’re not getting away with this. If DREW came out and said, “Alright, love birds. End scene.” I wouldn’t mind. But you acknowledge, as a writer, anything that is placed in narration. Meaning, you are consciously aware of what you’re writing, and if you’re embarrassed and need to cancel it out with a statement like that, either you might have to change the scene or get over the fact that you’re a romantic idealist. Don’t be embarrassed with the things you write unless it is exceptionally bad. It’s bad practice and adds a tint of cynicism and denial to the story. The trick is, to see if there is a character who would say something—they’d be identifying with you, but they’re subjects who have their own opinions. Anything in narration is stuff we have to take for fact, since this is a fictionalized world you are creating. And some people might not think it is a “hackneyed soap opera”, they might find it genuinely romantic, and who are you to ruin their notions? Especially if you wrote it there in the first place!

I think we write this sort of thing while we’re REALLY into whatever we’re doing, and all statements of embarrassment on account of having written something “unacceptable”, “cliché”, or “unsophisticated” are written in afterthought. But this isn’t necessary.

[They kept stealing curious glances at one another.] I really liked this sentence. It showcases their naivety. I’m glad they’re not all cynical and have diarrhea of the mouth.



Alright, I’m back. I was thinking about this review even when I had a test. I think I have some sort of mental disease.

[She nodded, but “stuck” wasn’t quite the word she would use to describe her situation now.] this sentence was also one of those nice ones that I liked. I like Evelyn’s thoughts.

[It seemed as if they were rushing through each other’s demographics so they could get to the good stuff.] “demographics” isn’t the right word. That’s more for statistics of a large audience, a nation, or something else really big. Maybe you’ll want “résumés”. Because a “résumé” is more like a formal grocery list of information about a person.

[Josh watched her fumble with her hands. The thing was…after all the people who did respond with a sympathetic “Oh…I’m sorry,” her apology was the only one that seemed genuine.] Probably you could rephrase the sentence as: “The thing was… After all the people he had heard mutter a mechanic ‘Oh. I’m sorry…,’ Evelyn’s apology was the only one that seemed genuine to him.” The reason why I re-phrased it that way is, again, maybe to US, we’ve heard plenty of sincere apologies (though I doubt it), but Josh hasn’t. And if it only pertains to him, we don’t have to take it as a universal truth that Evelyn’s the only sincere person in the universe. You could re-phrase anything you want in the edit, but keep it as his own personal feelings.

[He stared at her for a moment. “She sorta…she had really cool blue eyes, like you do.”] He was pretty apprehensive about even looking girls straight in the eye, I don’t think he would automatically come out with a line like that. Or maybe something more oblivious, but subconscious would work, like: “Come to think of it, you have her eyes—uh. Did that sound weird? Because… I didn’t mean it that way.” Then her line can follow: [“Oh,” she pressed her lips into a smile and then immediately cast her eyes down.] Something direct, but not too direct, as in to flatter Evelyn. Because I don’t see Josh as the ladies’ man.

[He turned and winked at Josh and Evelyn causing both of them to quickly put a few more inches of space between them on the van seat.] Just an alternate suggestion, even when I like the wink: [He turned and smiled a slow, deliberate smile at Josh and Evelyn, causing the both of them to quickly put a few more inches of space between them on the van seat.] The “the” in “causing the both of them” is necessary for the edit though, but the smile isn’t.

Uh-oh. Here’s another one of those descriptions, this paragraph right here: [Drew led them through the two large double doors that made up the front entrance... There were lots of kids milling about and a bustle of activity in the office area. They glanced up occasionally and gave half-hearted smiles at the newcomers, but didn’t rush over to greet them.] Obviously, I cut the paragraph down because it would’ve been too big of a chunk to post, but you get the idea. I think when you were first writing this, you were trying to make sure you got down everything you were envisioning in your head, but now that you’ve got it down, how about spreading the descriptions—especially of the rehabilitation center (mansion XD!) a little more evenly across the story? I understand that you needed to capture everything at the moment you saw it, but now that you’re going back, much like the other description suggestions, you might want to spread them more evenly across.

When I have a problem with over-descriptiveness, I turn it into a stylization and have the characters do it for me. Like, they walk around a certain thing, or walk by something, or even blatantly mention something. The problem with this over-descriptiveness is that it isn’t… over-descriptive. It’s just all bunched together to give it the look of over-descriptiveness.

As for the descriptions themselves. I loved them. Especially the “homemade” stuff. It gives a wholesomeness to the center that, if I were ever rehabilitated with, I’d feel a lot more comfortable. Unless it was those professional home-made things. You know, to give it the appearance of a more teenage thing, but it’s really made by adults? I’d freak out. But this seemed really nice.

[“Oh! They’re here!” Josh turned to see a short, slightly plump, rosy cheeked woman rush over to them. He liked her immediately, reminding him of some long lost aunt.] Josh is really endearing. I seriously love his family. I hope they come back! D:!

[she giggled. She didn’t really talk either…she seemed to sing all of her words.] Another one of my favorite descriptions that I should’ve mentioned near the beginning of my review. But maybe after all of that, Josh and Evelyn can shoot each other a look that says: ‘Okay, dude, did you get any of that, because I didn’t. Ask her—no, I’m not going to ask her, YOU ask her!’ that kind of look. But maybe it sounds like this: “Josh and Evelyn looked at each other with raised eyebrows.” Something to that effect. Because I’d be pretty overwhelmed if she described all that stuff to me.

[“Huh? Oh, it was fine.”] I love this. I know it’s small, but it has a lot more realism with the “Huh” there. As if she’s still like, thinking about Josh. I have the bad habit of saying “What?” even though I heard what the hell the person was saying. I’m such an ass.

The descriptions of the roommates’ pictures were perfect. Even though the descriptions are in one big chunk, they go well together because they’re fast, concise, and tell us a lot about their personalities without having to make any comments about them. They seriously match their physical descriptions. I’m a Samera&Cadance fan. Lesbian Lilifair. lmfao

Plus, I think that Evelyn really WOULD take a lot of time to look at the descriptions of her roommates before heading in. She’s a cautious, reserved, slow-moving person. And plus she’s observant. Looking at the pictures is kind of like her way of settling in. But my call on the Josh description remains. XD!

[Evelyn stepped over the threshold and saw that the room had two sets of bunk beds on opposite sides… The walls were colored white, but each girl had decorated the space next to their bed with more posters and pictures.] I think the descriptions at the beginning and the end (these two I posted here) are the only ones necessary. For now. Be careful, both Evelyn and the readers are new to all of this. Just give us enough. It’s enough to see the most striking things: the bunk beds and the decorated walls. Much else is just going into Martha Stewart zone. J.D. Salinger integrates his descriptions (which are still sparse) into conversations. Like, the pimply guy will sit on the chiffonier, and since he’s sitting WAY THE HELL OVER THERE (wherever there is), and Holden is sitting on his bed, we get this idea that the chiffonier is on the other side of the room.

Use relativity when making descriptions—when a person asks where India is, you don’t give them a grocery list of things, you’ll probably just say: “It’s in the Middle east, close to (blah) and (blah), and it’s mostly desert.” And that’s enough for most people. Try to sneak in descriptions or see if you could do without them.

But I understand the sadness that comes with editing out things you’ve worked hard to use, which is why I’m not asking you to delete them, I’m asking you to move them somewhere else. Because, you know, whenever they sit together, they never get any work done, and they talk too much. I don’t want to have to come over and keep telling them to do their work like good little angels.

Am I bitching way too much in this review? I can’t tell. I hope I’m not sounding too bitchy, because I don’t feel bitchy. I actually feel really good. I think I totally aced that test. But give me a heads up if I’m getting to bitchy or if I’m pontificating too much. I don’t usually go back and edit whatever I say, out of fear that I might delete it when I notice how rude it sounds. c.c

[“A suburb of Chicago.”] Maybe “in Chicago” would work?

[You can’t really help someone who doesn’t want help, you know” Evelyn nodded. That was probably the slogan written on the pamphlet she didn’t read. “What are the other two girls like?”] Hahaha this was another one of those things I wanted to talk about in the beginning of my review. I liked it. I should stop reviewing when I’m in the CC Lab, I tend to look like an idiot, because I have REALLY animated expressions when I read/type. I’m so lame.

It was a good choice to let Evelyn meet Arianne first. Arianne is more balanced and normal, where Cadance and Samera seem polarized. I think Evelyn would’ve totally freaked if Cadance was the first roomie she met. LOL That would actually be kind of funny! Like, Cadance is dancing when Evelyn walks in on her, and Mrs. Brooker leaves Evelyn alone with her. lmfao omg that would be so awkward. I think I’m a Cadance/Samera in real life. I’m seriously creepy in person, totally off the walls and ADDish.

I wonder what Tiffany was like and where she is now? Maybe it’ll be explained later.

Let me stop right here. It’s nearing eight, and I gotta head home. Also, I have some literary advice I’ll want to post up before I go. Looking at the little scrolling bar, I’m guessing I have about half of the chapter left. This has been pretty exciting. It’s a warm chapter, too, so it’s kind of hard for me to be cynical and abusive like I usually am. LOL



Okay. I am back again. I’m going to attempt to tune out the television. Using some piano classics.

[There weren’t any other regulations about guys and girls hanging out other than that one strict rule. Josh blushed in an “aw, shucks,” sort of way when he thought about her.] Hahaha. I’ll leave this alone because it’s nice. :B

[Josh looked at a boy that was only a few inches taller than himself, but probably fifty pounds heavier in pure muscle. He had a long face with full, downturned lips and light colored eyes to match his light brown hair. He introduced himself as Brett.] *down-turned. I think with this particular description, you might want it to end at “down-turned” lips. That’s all we need. The light-colored eyes, light brown hair is bordering homosexual. Well, from Josh’s perspective. You know what I mean?

[Lenny was a stocky broad shouldered Native American with a soft spoken voice and glazed look in his eyes. Josh wondered if he would’ve ended up looking permanently stoned like Lenny if he had smoked pot a few more years.] This was a great description of Lenny. I loved the combination of different descriptions you gave them. Very heartful and easy to see. Have you ever seen “Smoke Signals”?

[Davis was a tall lanky guy with a blond buzz cut who idolized any kind of rap music with explicit lyrics and constantly dropped ‘f’ bombs, but was intelligent and funny as hell. He had the entire table that night at dinner rolling in laughter.] Another very good description. And I love funny guys with a mean streak. I don’t know why. But anyway. These descriptions of the roommates are really good. All of them, even Evelyn’s roommate. What happened with the descriptions of the center, Josh, Evelyn and Drew? D:?

[Josh smiled to himself. He’d have his chance.] He’s getting aggressive. :3 I like how in the next section, he’s all like: “YES. SCORE. I ACTUALLY TALKED TO A GIRL.” lmfao I was so endeared.

The descriptions in the section after Josh meets his roommates are so good. Them eating at the dinner table is a good time to start going to into descriptions about eyes, because—okay, wait, let’s imagine this, because I know you’ll know what I’m talking about. But everyone’s in this big group, right? And there’s usually the really hilarious pair that talk a lot and everyone listens? And then you have ALL THIS TIME to just watch everyone else, and how they look, and who they look at and all that—don’t you? You know? This would be a good time to go into Brett’s eyes, Josh’s eyes, everyone’s eyes. And I mean everyone. Everyone will look at something, and probably Lenny will just stare at the food because he always has the munchies. This would be a good time to place Evelyn and Josh in their own separate world, since they are so engulfed. And you know that other feeling, when you’re totally obsessed with someone, you’re always too afraid to look in their general direction because they might look at you? (shut up, I had a heart at one time, XD!) You had that, too, but this is the time to be naïve, and yet, Josh thinks of it as if it’s not new anymore to him. I think he’d be too afraid to even look at her—unless he’s the type that when he falls in love, he really just doesn’t care and he’s really straightforward. He’s going along that path. But yeah, the eye descriptions and descriptions of what kind of laughter everyone has is important. And where is Davis! I thought he’s supposed to make everyone laugh!

[“No,” replied Arianne. “It’s very sophisticated!” She stuck her chin in the air pretending to be regal.] Yeah, again, with the names, I totally love how the names embody the characters. I already asked this, but yeah, what do you first? Name your characters and then form them around the name, or make the characters and then give them a name?

[“Who the hell knows? It always takes everyone an hour to fight over what to watch anyway, but we just like to piss off all the guys anyway by asking too many questions throughout the movie!”] hahahahaha

[It seemed like one of the staff should just make an executive decision, but maybe they thought it taught the residents good democratic debating skills.] I really liked this. I wouldn’t have thought of this, but it’s so weird that little things like this could make or break someone’s decision-making process.

[None of the guys really cared to see Patrick Swayze “flit around like a fairy” according to one protest, but none of the girls could stand how many times the word ‘Dude’ was used in one sentence by Bill or Ted.] LOL! But you know… “flit like a fairy” doesn’t sound too guy-ish. How about, none of them really cared to see Patrick Swayze “act like a homo”. Okay, maybe that’s too derogatory. LOL Never mind. What about: “act like a candyass.” lmfao anyway, it’s still funny to see girls and guys fight.

[“After all Evelyn…it’s already a classic.”] *“After all, Evelyn. It’s already a classic.” Or the ellipsis can stay, but there should be a comma there.

[He was giving himself props for working up the nerve to approach her.] Tee-hee.

I was totally smiling. You got me. Damn. I mean, I read it twice already and I’m still giving off a goofy smile. I totally hate myself right now.

[“Ah…that’s okay. I just came over to say hi,” he lost his nerve. “I’ll see you around.”] That was pretty smooth for losing his nerve. How about a more nervous reaction, like: “No! No—that’s okay, really. I just came over to say hi.” He couldn’t help but stare as he walked off. Maybe he looked like an idiot. “I’ll see you around, Evelyn.”

Oh, and this conversation between the girls is ingenious. You might want to like, make it a LITTLE more conversational now that you got down what you want to say. Some of the lines are a little like, robotic, but some of them are pretty funny. I loved the way it flowed, though. It felt like a real excited talk between girls that are getting to know each other, and it felt very natural and inviting. I love this setting a lot, and I think I wouldn’t have loved it if not for you showing their other world. But man, these people in rehab make Josh’s and Evelyn’s best friends look like… blah! Which is kind of sad, I don’t know. I’m just hoping their previous best friends weren’t just devices to make these people look cooler. Oh, I hope not! D:!

I especially like Cadance. She seems the most animated, energetically charged and real. I really see both her and Samera as good friends and I don’t need any convincing. And even though I love Arianne, she’s still a blank slate to me. If she’s normal, I won’t question it though.

[“You know… ‘Hi my name is Evie and I am a fill in the blank addict….’ Here, I’ll demonstrate. Hi, my name is Cadance and I am a nymphomaniac. It’s all part of the twelve step program.”] LOLOL! [Cadance burst into giggles. “Oh…c’mon, Sam…just one little smooch?” She puckered up her lips obnoxiously.] lmfao

Oh, fux0rz. You know, there was a line that was missing punctuation, I forgot to find it! It was a line of dialogue, and I don’t know if it happened, yet. I’ll try and spot it if I see it later.

[Evelyn dismissed the comment with a wave of her hand secretly dying for Arianne’s statement to be true and glad her new friend took the bait.] I love Evelyn’s perspective.

Omg “V card” LOL I totally forgot about it. But when I read it, I had this weird smile on my face. Like, one of those smiles where you just feel real weirded out. I haven’t heard the phrase “V card” in ages.

[Samera yawned. “What are you girls gonna do tomorrow morning for workout?” she asked changing the subject.] Samera’s so cool.

[Arianne started laughing. “Uh ah…I tripped all over myself laughing because it was so funny watching her!”] This is one of those robotic-sounding sentences. D:!

[“Are you good?” asked Cadance?] What is that question mark doing there?(?) XD!

[They all suddenly heard a pounding coming from the other side of the wall and a muffled voice saying “Shut the hell up!”] LOL!

The end to this chapter was an “Aw” one. I’ll leave it alone because I’m too endeared. God, let me go back and find that one thing! Ugh! I have to!

[“No…let’s do a workout video with Mrs. Brooker!” stated Samera.] You were a bit careless with this chapter and just used the ellipses everywhere. Please don’t do that!

[Samera took her pillow and whacked Cadance across the face. “We are not having this conversation because we know you’re not a lesbian! So shut up!”] LOL!

Okay, maybe it was just my imagination last time. Or maybe I mistake that question mark one for one missing punctuation. Most likely.



My overview of the chapter is that… it was overwhelming. Like being at a party. I mean, you meet a lot of new people—or it’s like going to a new country. You can only get down so much in such a short time that it wouldn’t be realistic to take in everything at once, unless you have completely photographic memory. Otherwise, take your time.

I really enjoyed the wholesomeness of this chapter, going from a really harsh world to a really soft world—and it was a good transition from like, FINALLY having a supportive set of family and friends to this island paradise/resort. Again, I think there should be one or two predators, ie: people that don’t understand themselves. Because if it’s too full of loving, trusting people, Josh and Evelyn will basically be in heaven.

Try to make it so that the sexual tension between the two doesn’t override their common sense. I like the fact that they are innocent and naïve, but be careful that it isn’t a front for more giggles and fits about having a crush. I was endeared this chapter, but if it persists without any development, I might have to put up a red flag. Because, you know.

I don’t like to be teased. XD!

This was a very well thought-out chapter, and I could tell a lot of work went into the descriptions. But please. Spread them out more. I’m pretty excited for the next chapter in the saga: Evelyn and Josh’s Excellent Adventure—and who’s this Tiffany chick? And where is Drew? D:? And Davis? 24!1

Anyway, I hope this was more helpful than it was naggy. Nag-like. nagging—ah, you know what I mean. c_c

cute

So, I happened to find your name through The Breakdancing Ninja, and through some other girl's profile... and this was the story that happened to actually catch my eye. I'll admit now that I don't particularly care for romance due to people killing the realism in it, but as I stated this caught my eye.

Now about the first chapter, it seemed to be a very good beginning for a story. Though short, it seemed to have some type of emotion in it that was enthralling and the narrator- because she hasn't been given a name yet- she appears like she is telling something from the past that still haunts her present. You made that evident when she said, "Things that still make my heart break".

I like the air that the story carries in this chapter, it has a soft, I don't know... mourning type of air about it that tells of problems that are to ensue. And guessing from the fact that it's a tragedy, I'm thinking that they might not end up together.

One thing though that I found very nice... and humorous, I must admit, was the part where you had...

"Wanna know one of the reasons why I love God so much?" But it wasn't that part that I found humorous, it was her reply of, "Why?" And that was because, though you made it clear what her reaction was, but I imagined something else entirely different, in which resulted in my finding that part humorous.

Anyways, so I'll return to read the others, the story has me interested.

Here I am!

O man, this chapter was so exciting. When I first read it yesterday, I was thinking about how the parents were going to react, because that’s what I was dreading the most. The story did the reactions so well, I was blown away, especially by Katherine’s hysteria. LOL No, really, it was done so well. And the parallels between Ty and Deb (who pretty much ruined their best friends’ lives XD), and tying everyone into this chapter was like, whoa. I really enjoyed seeing Josh’s two sisters, too, especially Krissy (Kristin?).

Alright, here we go.



I like how Josh’s section gets straight to the point, and we don’t have to see him sloshing around in the waves, and everyone calling for help. It was a good judgment call to focus on Evelyn’s section more—especially since her future career’s on the line. And, in this chapter, I feel even MORE sympathy for Evelyn, especially with the graceful way that she handles this situation. She doesn’t bawl or become a huge drama queen. I thought that was really cool.

The chapter starts off with Mark, and he wonders if he should return Josh’s car privileges. I was already thinking to myself—uh-oh, something bad is going to happen, because usually, when a parent decides to be nice, the kid fucks up twice as hard. rofl

Mark is in my list of favorite characters, along with Josh’s mom (even though she isn’t alive), and it’s because he’s stern, hard-working, but gentle and paternal, like every dad should be. And I was crushed in a later section, where Mark is really upset. I just wanted to die.

[Josh crossed his arms nonchalantly and leaned against the kitchen counter.] LOL Acrombie & Fitch pose.

[The past couple of weeks had been relatively argument free thanks to Josh’s fresh supply of drugs and little incentive for anything else except figure out ways to hide them from his dad.] Usually, I overlook these type of sentences. I think it’s because they are so subtle and so effective that they pass right under my nose. Your piece is littered with these insightful sentences that follow dialogue. I mean, it would have been cool if it ended at “Josh challenged his father.” But it’s an added bonus to see this sentence. I don’t know how to adequately explain my appreciation for these types of sentences in the narration, except to say that they feel very in-world, as if we’re catching up on a world that moves 24-7, and that the narration lives in this world, too, and waits for us to come back to read. It has a good feel. “RELATIVELY argument free”. hahaha good word choice.

[Mark narrowed his eyes at Josh as if trying to peer into his son’s thoughts.] I could see that look. It’s sort of confused. Like a John Kusak pause. LOL [He didn’t trust him… And as a father he just couldn’t bring himself to admit what his gut was telling him.] I could feel this. Disbelief. Most parents don’t really want to mistrust their children. It bring a painful rift and a lot of inner pain, because mistrusting your own children is like mistrusting yourself… since they’re extensions of you and learn from you more than anyone else. My question is, Where did Josh learn this from in the first place? I wonder if Mark and his wife were kind of crazy when they were young. But this is 1992, they’ve been married for 27 years, so they weren’t teenagers in the 60’s, I don’t think. Or were they?

[Greg reached over and took a hit as well and smiled at Josh. “Ahh…makes the sex more enjoyable!”] Hahaha. This kid.

[“Did you happen to bring your board? I could go for that lesson now.” She licked her lips.] Alright, here’s one of those minor things I wasn’t too sure about when I first read it. I could imagine a more feral creature or a story in the fantasy genre where the seductress licks her lips right while the hero/protagonist talks to her. But this was just too weird, you know what I mean? Maybe she smiles in a certain way, or she runs her hands further up his shirt, claws his chest, or even narrows her eyes in a seductive way. Licking the lips is just too weird, I don’t care how big a walking STD this girl is. [Jess traced a finger back on Josh’s stomach making him shiver.] Okay, I could see this one. XD!

[Josh smiled and put his arms around her. “I’ll be right back.”] He’s getting bold. : O!

I love how the next section’s like: BOOM. Okay, wtf happened. When I first read it, I thought he was trembling because he felt something bad was going to happen (but not as bad as what really happened), like, Tyler’s mom wanted to check on Josh to see if he was still supposed to come to Tyler’s or not (because he’s not really there). But, this was way better. Rofl

[He realized he was about to experience every parent’s worst nightmare. “What’s going on?”] The sentences like this scattered throughout the whole piece, but especially in this chapter are really good. Yeah, every parent has this insane fear that their child is in serious danger—or dead. But in Katherine’s case, being okay but losing a dancing scholarship is a lot like dying. XD;; But I still sympathize with her.

[Mark didn’t hear the man finish because the receiver of the portable phone slipped from his grasp and shattered to the floor.] How about “shattered against the floor”?

[He grabbed his car keys and was out of the door in less than three seconds.] Ah, Mark. The father I never had. ;_;

[Evelyn’s shaking hand fumbled with the large case of eye shadow and it bounced off the vanity.] This was such a good sentence to start off with. It immerses us already in what’s happened to Evelyn without going through this whole blah-blah. You know what? Maybe it’s just me, but most likely not—these chapters have been increasing in quality, characterization and suspense.

[…maybe a part of her didn’t want to face the reality, but a pill every morning had turned into five or six to help her stay alert. ] Holy shit, why, Evelyn? [They were followed at night by some sleeping pills she’d picked up at the local drug store. Just until the recital is over, she told herself, and then I’ll cut back.] D:! [She suddenly couldn’t remember when the last time she ate was.] Noo!

[“Evie!” Evelyn looked up at the door to see her mother rushing toward her with a bright excited smile.] Oh, God, I could just see the pressure in a meter just shooting up at the sight of her mother. Poor girl.



Okay, wait. My update died. I hate when that happens. It was a page long, and it had things that were sort of reminders for me when I took up the rest of this review tonight. It even said: “I will be back in a day and a half… or two?” Anyway. God. To the rest of the review.



Back to Evelyn.

[Katherine knelt down to meet her daughter’s level. She bit her lip noticing Evelyn’s apparent nervousness.] We’re seeing that motherly concern again that now both us as readers and Evelyn get to witness. I mean, it was really sad when she was just sitting in that car. If I were a parent, I’d be a total hardass, and I don’t think my children would understand me either. It’s just that Katherine has pretty bad timing—right now, Evelyn is knee-deep in all the drugs she’s taken, high strung, under pressure, and the last thing she needs right before her recital are her mother’s expectations (I’m seeing it through Evelyn’s point of view, though I sympathize with the mom, as well.) I think the fact that Evelyn refuses to make eye contact probably kills Katherine.

And it seems a lot like Katherine, and for the type of mother she is, to show how much she cares by constantly telling her daughter to be careful, to watch herself, to, to, to. A lot of parents mistake their kind of concern for worrying, and so by the time it reaches the child’s ears, the child feels unsympathized with and unloved. Here it goes, here’s Evelyn’s perspective on Katherine’s obvious attempt to reach out to her: [Her mother usually didn’t pay her a backstage visit, but Evelyn wasn’t surprised it was simply to impart a few tips so she wouldn’t mess anything up.] This is really unfortunate. I think I fell into the trap in the beginning, being totally startled by the mother’s treatment of Evelyn. You got me there. XD! Unless we’re growing together, and you were writing and then suddenly felt this new compassion for Katherine that you happened to flesh her out more. I’m still happy for it either way.

Okay, this is something that I said in my small update (that didn’t go through) that I don’t want to forget to say here. I really appreciate the amount of time that went into researching the drugs and rehabilitation centers—when I read stories, there is usually this presumption of all subjects (since now the general public has a working knowledge of most everything), and not usually the good kind of presumption, but the uninformed kind of presumption. Unless it’s rape, murder, or something else like that, I WANT to be informed. Anyway, I was really appreciative. I don’t know if I just missed it or not, but I think Evelyn’s drug was always eluded to, but never mentioned, as opposed to Josh’s drug. Is there any reason for that? And she’s taking speed, right?

Oh, another one of the things I wanted to mention was how effective the characters’ actions were, I was totally in love with the reactions from the parents (which I’ll talk about in more detail). There was this one part, though, this one part where Katherine puts the back of her hand to her mouth, and she’s completely hysterical, I saw it and thought it was so candid that I was touched and blind to giving any kind of criticism on the rest of the piece unless it was really positive.

I’m still a little glazed-over and dazzled (even if this is my third time reading the chapter), but I think I’ll be a bit more objective.

[Wiping the lip-stick smudge away, she opened her mouth wanting somehow to convey more feelings toward Evelyn, but they caught in her throat.] Thank you for writing this. This really helps a lot with understanding why Katherine is so hysterical later on—especially that back-of-the-hand part, and the part where she looks at herself in the mirror. Ah, here it is. [She blinked several times and glanced herself in one of the mirrors before heading back to the auditorium to find her seat.] I wonder if her mother ever supported or cared about her the same way she cares about Evelyn—but evidently, support was hard to come by, since she fled from a pretty abusive life. The fact that she’s so successful now and well-to-do, is a pretty good testament to her willpower and tenacity, which a reader might overlook. I mean, she’s HELLA strong if she could manage to bounce back and make a good life for herself—living in the Bay area? :O?

[The gasp from the audience was almost as deafening as a round of applause as they watched Evelyn collapse.] Oh, God, I heard that.

[Katherine bolted out of her seat like a half-crazed lunatic,] lmao! Okay, it’s not that funny in real life, I mean, I’d totally freak—but when I first read this, my eyes popped open. [Katherine screeched as she shoved dancers out of the way.] XD!

I really liked the fact that the dancers stopped, it seemed a lot more real to me than leaping right over Evelyn during the rest of the performance. [The pleasant melodies kept playing through the speakers until someone finally cut the music.] lmfao

What are “alligator tears”? I’ve never heard that before—no, I think I have, I just don’t understand what it is. Okay, after a little informing from M.L., alligator tears are insincere tears? But he says, it is supposed to be “crocodile tears”—so, are alligator tears really sincere, big tears, as opposed to crocodile tears? Because, you know, there is only a few slight differences between alligators and crocodiles. Like, the snout or something. Or the tail or whatever. Or Jenga, you know. XD; M.L. suggests that the reason why people call it “alligator/crocodile tears” is because, alligators/crocodiles don’t really cry? Since they’re always immersed in water? Jenga? c_c

I liked how crisp and clean this was, not too emotional or drenched—straight-forward. Thank God. And I also liked how the section right after it started—because what happened to Josh is what we could assumed happened to Evelyn.

[Mark cursed in frustration.] : O! An angry, hostile Mark. And it says that the nightmare was getting worse—I like its follow-up. I want to know… did you like, write these scenes in the alternate way you posted them, or do you ALL of Evelyn’s perspective, and then all of Josh’s perspective and THEN splice them later on? Because I couldn’t tell.

[“Please…is he going to be all right?”] LOL I heard this in a different way. All breathy. I like the way it’s written, but sometimes my mind skews things differently for entertainment factor. [the doctor decided to leave out most of the details for now and nodded.] XD!

[All at once, the emotions tumbled out and he bowed his head as tears came flooding from deep inside.] This is one of those actions that took me away.

[“My daughter would never touch drugs! How dare you insinuate such nonsense!”] I KNEW she would say that. I totally knew that.

[She wiped her nose with the back of her shaking hand. Her wild and fearful eyes pierced into the doctors.] Here’s the golden action. [She had ridden in the ambulance with Evelyn murmuring prayers through her tears] I saw this whole paragraph, and especially this scene. We see all the facets of Katherine’s character thrown into one boiling pot of emotion. … “Boiling pot of emotion”? LOL?

Okay, we don’t know much about Victor, but I’m assuming he is what balances out Katherine, which are all things that aren’t neurotic. I like Victor. But I like Mark more.

[Katherine had mascara stains running down the lower lids of her eyes, her hair was flying out of her perfectly sculpted updo and her blouse had come untucked from her skirt.] I really loved this description, I mean, you depict her hysteria so well. XD;; I shouldn’t revel in it too much though. Poor woman. “he was trying to keep his wife from flying off the handle” flying off the handle lmao

[Oh, God, what if she has an eating disorder?…no…no…no…] LOL another thing for her to worry about.

[everything will be fine…fine… just fine.”] but it wasn’t. 8D bum bum BUM.

[He saw his dad dozed off in a chair next to his bed.] He must have been there all night.

[“Krissie?” he managed to squeak out of his dry throat.] how about, “sand-paper dry throat”? Maybe that’s too much, but maybe you’ll want it anyway.

[He clenched his eyes shut not able to hold back his frustration. “Ah…Damn it, Josh!”] Man, Josh is so lucky. He has great parents, two sisters who care—I mean, I understand the painful connection between him and his mother, but I think like, he should be grateful for the other people in his life, too! I know the sisters are away a lot, but I think if it ever came down to it, they’d be there for him. Like in situations like these. [“I could’ve lost you! What the hell happened! Was I that blind? Am I that terrible of a father!] For any father to ask this kind of question is more than I could ask for. Seriously. In the area I live especially, fathers don’t ask themselves enough.

[Josh didn’t reply to the man who looked to be about his father’s age.] Here’s one of those small details that irked me. What does it matter to us how old these people are? I think you could give a better (but still brief) description of what the doctor looks like to give us a sense of his personality. Nothing big, because I don’t think he’s major, but just enough for us. Or maybe a character action. “Josh didn’t reply. The doctor had his chin lowered and his eyes upturned in a vindictive look”—okay, I’m sure you could write something a lot more graceful than this, but you know what I mean. I would think that doctors come across this sort of thing all the time, and I don’t all of them can be sympathetic—they might feel a little bad thinking about what would land a kid into taking drugs in the first place, but there can also be a heavy sort of resentment for youths who taint their bodies with all sorts of stuff they don’t need. And, I also think that with the way the female doctor receives Evelyn, she has a sympathy for kids who might THINK they need drugs to take care of all the pressure. (I don’t expect for the doctor to know Josh feels a heavy loss, but I would expect Katherine to go defending her daughter’s honor and letting everyone know every sordid detail of Evelyn’s stress and struggles—which is what happened. XD!)

[He asked in spite of knowing the obvious answer, unsure of why he was choosing to play the ignorant card at the moment.] I loved this sentence. To answer his obvious worry, I think it has a lot to do with the suspicion geared in the general direction of many adolescents. They always feel accused, so they automatically put up this defense mechanism of either ignorance or denial. It was an insightful statement.

[He didn’t like seeing that he had caused his dad this much pain and he didn’t want to think of what life would be like if his mom was still here. He’d been doing that for an entire year and it had grown too exhausting.] This happened to be the most beautiful insight on Josh. I think in this small excerpt, you accomplished more than a whole truckload could, especially the last sentence. “He didn’t want to think… He’d been doing that for an entire year and it had grown to exhausting.” I feel the heavy weight of this sentence. There happened to be a LOT of excerpts I liked out of this chapter, and it was a very mobile chapter. I’m glad I get to review it and pick them all out. Because, if I were to just read it, all of it would wash over me (like what happened the first time I read this) and I’d be too overwhelmed. I mean, I could appreciate the chapter as a whole, but even if I saw this chapter in smaller portions, I’d still have a field day with it.

[Drug addicts were losers on the streets who’d been trashed for years. It wasn’t necessary to ship him off to some lame program for real dope heads.] hahaha But every reader knows, “real” dope heads were once baby dope heads. Like Josh. XD!

[She was relieved that the first face she had seen was not that of her mother’s.] hahahaha

[Evelyn stated dully as she eyed the fifty-ish looking woman with soft brown eyes.] Okay, there it goes. The age description again. We know doctors have to be experienced and older—I don’t expect Dougie Howser (wow, shit, I spelled that wrong?) unless you say the doctor was tiny and kiddish. At least Dr. Pierce has a name and “soft brown eyes”. I don’t recall the other doctor having a name or any special qualities assigned to him. Unless he’s your standard doctor. If then, you should say so.

[“Did the hospital staff put a restraining order on my mother?”] I totally respected Evelyn after this. I mean, the fact that she could poke a little fun in a situation like this is awesome. She’s a lot more composed, too. Even if she wasn’t being compared to her mother (who has a BIG reason to worry), I’d still think she handled the situation pretty well.[“Frankly, Evelyn, you need to learn to deal with things in a healthy manner. And we know of a place that usually works the best at helping with more than just the addiction per say.”] I believe it is, “per se”.

[“So where are they shipping me off to?” she replied trying to hide the bitterness in her voice.] See? Look at how receptive she is. Usually, like right in the middle of a crisis, mass hysteria, falling down during like, a life-changing recital, a person could be pretty bitter. But this reserved facet of Evelyn really appeals to me. This chapter does ALL the characters so much justice. I guess it really is true—a crisis tempers and forges closer bonds, and much more intimate perspectives, and also unearths real personalities.

[“I suppose it didn’t take that long convincing my mother. She probably can’t even stand the sight of me.”] Man, this was killer, especially with what happens when Josh and Evelyn are leaving—how Katherine reacts. Poor woman. Poor, poor woman.

[“…she just probably has an unusual way of showing it,” finished Dr. Pierce.] The doctor is correctomundo.

[They had two openings available and it’s quite a rarity that there were any openings at all.”] This is shocking. D:

Angela seems to be the stronger, more assertive sister, and Kristin seems to be the more loving, cutsie type. I like how there isn’t too much of a big comparison between them. [“Stop trying to blame Dad for everything. Everyone misses her, Josh…”] Angela’s a total badass. [“You think if you were closer, it wouldn’t hurt as much with mom being gone?”] Come on, look at how perceptive and piercing she is. How can anyone not love her?

[“Aw…shit…you know you scared the begeezes out of Jessica!”] I think it sounds better as “bejeezus”.

[Tyler shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry man. I sorta can’t help feeling like this is my fault.”] Maybe because it sorta was? XD;; Naw, Josh is right. It was ultimately his decision. [Tyler grimaced. “How the hell am I going to be able to stand Greg without you around this summer!”] LOL [“He was telling me to check out all the hot chicks in San Diego so he could make up his mind about where he should apply for college.”] rofl Greg is awesome.

[Evelyn heard her mother’s high heels clicking downstairs.] It’s weird that this is the first sentence Evelyn’s section starts up with. Her mom pretty much pervades Evelyn’s whole life whether Evelyn knows it or not.

This section totally made me feel better about the relationship between Debra and Evelyn. It was really wholesome. I like how girls sort of patch things up between them by girl-talking or bitching. In this case, Debra is doing the clothes’ talk. XD!

[Katherine hadn’t protested to much of anything. She seemed to walk around in a void.] Complete disillusionment. I love this—not her suffering, but her dimensions as a character.

[Jeez…sounds like they’re making you stay long enough to brainwash you. ] Ah, Deb. I’mma miss her, too, in a way. XD! And in between important talk, she’s still doing clothes’ talk. [“Sure. I think half your clothes are in my closet somewhere anyway…”] Maybe she wants to be like Evelyn, secretly.

[Deb tried to giggle, but Evelyn felt the forced attempt.] I hate it when it’s too quiet and you could tell if someone is fake-laughing. It just makes it more awkward. But Evelyn, like I said, is handling this very well.

[“She won’t talk to me,” Evelyn huffed. “Whatever, she’s getting rid of me either way this summer…”] This is another killer. God. Geez. Poor them. It’s like a sad, star-crossed romance—without the sexual frustration. [they should send you to an eating disorder camp instead.”] LOL

[“Wanna bet?” “Ugh! Do your parents really think it’s necessary to send you away to some lame-o drug rehab instead of a dance program?”] it seems so real—a subject switch right in the middle of talking about something else. [The two girls continued chatting and did some quizzes out of a few teen magazines until it was almost time to go.] this was really girlie, but I liked it still. Very warm.

[She turned to Debra “Deb…stop crying. It’s not like I’m dying or anything!”] Case of the Missing Punctuation. XD![“Isn’t mom coming?” Evelyn asked. Her mother would at least say good-bye, wouldn’t she?] I knew it. Evelyn really DOES want her mom to care about her! Poor girl!

[Evelyn watched Deb mope to the car and then she turned to glance at the house…hesitating…hoping that Katherine would come running out at the last minute to do something; wave her hand, kiss her cheek…even yell at her!] POOR GIRL! For the ellipses before and after “hesitating”, do you think you could use either dashes or commas for more emphasis? The ellipses make it go way too slow. The third set of ellipses works grammatically.

[She wiped away the streaming tears from her hazel eyes. It hurt so much to watch her leave, but Katherine was still angry nonetheless.] Thank you for writing this. This chapter, this chapter!

[It was her ticket out of an emotionally abusing family life and she gladly took it. What was she doing wrong as a mother? Couldn’t Evelyn see how much she loved her by doing everything possible to make sure she succeeded as a dancer? Why would Evelyn just go and almost throw it all away over something so stupid?] And THIS! This was the missing link between Katherine’s insane neurotic self and Evelyn’s surmounting pressure—this was perfect, and I’m glad it was at the end. Gives the reader something to chew on. We get a look into Katherine’s motives for Evelyn, her background history, even her psyche! Amazing.

[Maybe even for good, Katherine thought in defeat. It seemed as if she could do nothing right and was only driving her daughter further away from success…and any semblance of happiness too.] And the fact that she thinks this was the very last killer. I was dying by this time.

This chapter, as you can tell, was possibly one of my favorite chapters (I’ll have to see the rest of them). I think, the in-world feel of it totally increased by ten. All the characters are loveable in their own right (I wish I saw a little of Camilla, since she was Evelyn’s accomplice the whole time), and I wish that Greg was meandering out in the halls, not wanting to talk to Josh (because he has a softspot)—but MOST LIKELY because he’s hitting on girls—you know, nothing major, but something small.

The chapter was riveting, informative, emotional, insightful—it had everything a reader could want, and more! I think maybe, though, there should be variations between the Evelyn and Josh switches in the hospital, they were a bit too formulaic. I understand their utility, especially at giving us a convenient chance to compare and contrast, but I think maybe that Josh’s perspective could be done from Kristin’s pointof view, like, she’s outside, and sees this doctor nodding, and she’s wondering what’s going on—and THEN we flash to Evelyn’s perspective (since the story has a better grasp on Evelyn’s PoV) where Dr. Pierce explains close to the same knowledge that the doctor for Josh does, and then we get filled in.

The chapter could’ve risked becoming pretty tedious, but it made a good point of switching before it told us too much of what was happening to Josh, and switched to Evelyn, which I said earlier was one of the things I liked. It think it could have done that a little more. Though, for how it was, it did all of these different characters justice. I liked that Josh and Evelyn patched everything up with their best friends (maybe a little too easily, but they don’t look like grudge-holders anyway).

Yeah, so the perspectives being tedious is a possible risk. And the doctors’ descriptions—the age thing! Why? XD;;I have very little to complain about. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. I’m excited to read the next chapter. It’s pumping in my veins. I’m going to make it a point of finishing my mythology project before Friday so I could get to more reviewing! 8D!

I’ll try to make it less on your eyes by finding a better way of summing up the chapters. I know that me stopping every five seconds doesn’t help. I apologize—it even cripples my review speed. I just really enjoyed this chapter. I’m going to start playing hard to get with this poor story. It already impressed me enough. I’ll just put it in my favorites already. The poor thing, it probably didn’t even know I was impressed like, two chapters ago. XD!

O man.

Rock on, BkGal!

This was beautiful, especially his line about loving God. That was perfectly put. ~Lacy

Alright, so let me just post an update about this chapter, before I finish and send the review (it's at home

One of the best facets of this story is how prominent the characters are. It's not easy to forget them, so the perspective switches seem reasonable and valid to me.

Alright, enough of the "How are you's". XD;;



[“Augh! C’mon Evie…we have to dance to this one!” Deb pulled Evelyn back out onto the dance floor at one of the many clubs they’d been illegally making their way into with their fake IDs.] Good, I'm refreshed and remember how nuts Debra is. I could also assess that these girls really know how to pull off looking old. They’re Freshmen, right? I think I remember that correctly, because Evelyn talked about how easy school was for her, she’s a Freshman. It’s Joshua that’s the Sophomore. And his testosterone-pumped friend, Greg, who looks like he’s twenty-four already. XD; That happens.

[“Deb…this is the lamest song!” ] I'm from Southern California, so no matter whether it's a chick or a guy, they always say: "Man, this song is lame" or "this is the lamest song ever!" or "Who requested this oldies crap?" XD;; I think, if Evelyn were in a crowd pumping with and energy, the more appropriate yell-out would be: "Deb... this song is SO lame! (laughter, joins in anyway)" I think it would be a strain on my damn voice if I had to yell: "This is the lamest song!" Know what I mean? But that's just me getting technical with the lymph nodes. ... I didn't spell that right.

[She and Deb loved dancing together as they flirtatiously shoved off all of the guys that tried to come on to them.] I liked this. Coquettish behavior, but also a sense of bonding that comes from… rejecting so many guys. XD;

[Debra nodded and turned toward her friend. “Evie, c’mon. Robbie wants to get outta here.”] This can only mean trouble.

Okay, now I understand why it was easy to get back into this. It’s because the opening sentence pretty much threw us into the situation, so we’re not sitting around for too long. That’s why it was easy to get back into this.

[The plan, Evelyn assumed for now, was that everyone was going back to Robbie’s to hang out. It had been okay spending time with Andy and the popular upperclassmen that all had fake ID’s.] Don’t ask me why this confused me. No, I’ll talk about it a little. I have this bad feeling something is going to happen, and I guess it’s sort of clogging up me making any sense of what the story is saying. The “okay” is in italics because she means to say it’s not “great” but it’s “alright”? I got a little confused. If you feel that the italics on “okay” is confusing, too, I suggest “so-so”. And why is the phrase “that all had fake ID’s” in there? It’s already established that anyone who comes to the club from her school need the ID’s, right? … Though I understand why you would put it again, I was just being rhetorical. You don’t need it. It might distract the reader.

[Andy was cute. She just wasn’t attracted to him and knew he probably wanted to have a girl to make out with…and possibly more.] The sentence structure of these two lines would work out better if it was: “Andy was cute, she just wasn’t attracted to him. She knew he probably wanted to have a girl to make out with… and possibly more.” With this edit, the first line feels like: ‘Eh, he’s okay, but no.’ And the second line explains why. I kind of just wanted to see the “knew he probably wanted to have a girl to…” part on its own.

[She had complied a few times, but always kept him from doing anything more than just a French kiss and going up her shirt.] Her and Josh seem to have the same values, which is good. I still feel sensitive about Katherine calling her own daughter a “slut”, especially after this line. I feel a little bit better about Evelyn for it, too.

Even the names “Robbie”, “Andy” and “Mandy” make them seem like sub-characters, as opposed to “Debra”, “Joshua”, and “Evelyn”.

[Mandy was in the front seat with her date and she passed a pack of cloves cigarettes to Debra and a lighter.] What’re… “cloves cigarettes”? Could it have been “cloves’ cigarettes” or even, “passed a pack of cloves”? [Deb took one and passed it along to Evelyn who gladly took one. It would keep Andy from kissing her on the way home.] hahahaha

[She did a couple more shots and smoked some marijuana, but instead of being relaxed like she typically was after smoking a joint, she suddenly felt her senses heightened…especially when Andy touched and kissed her.] I like this sentence. Not too much reasoning or description. Its straightforwardness gives the read a sense of how Evelyn feels about it. There is no reason, no meaning in things like these—the narration is blunt because Evelyn feels it’s a cut, cold and dry case. The fragment following the ellipsis is great.

[“OW!” cried Evelyn involuntarily when his fingers had found places on her body that she preferred to keep private.] Female flesh is sensitive. And nails hurt, too. Maybe you could describe something about how instead of feeling fingertips, she was feeling sharp nails. That would add to the rigid, violence of his touch, I think. [His touch was rough and violating.] These sentences are my favorite kind. Loaded, artistic, sharp, short. I just… don’t know how to write them myself.

[“What!” he asked almost too angrily when he noticed Evelyn had apparently lost interest. “I’m sorry…I just…I’m tired.” She lied, frightened from the tone in his voice.] “almost too angrily” detracts from the violence. I know the narrator is trying to have sympathy for Andy, but… how about: “What!” Andy asked when he noticed Evelyn had apparently lost interest. His stare was menacing and hard-felt even if she wasn’t making eye-contact. “I’m sorry…I just…I’m tired.” she lied. She was frightened.

I omitted the question-mark, because it’s not like he’s even asking, he’s just upset as hell and going: “Oh, yeah, well what now. This is just great.”

[He breathed a heavy, sexually frustrated sigh, lifted himself from her and sat back.] Great sentence.

[in the den where everyone had been watching a movie, but no one was there now.] Good attention to detail. And man, it sucks for Evelyn. She’s alone with a predator.

[Stunned for a second because she thought it was Debra that was straddling a naked guy, Evelyn mumbled an apology once her eye sight adjusted to the dark. She breathed a sigh of relief as she found her way back out of the room.] this must be frustrating to walk in on, because 1) can’t count on your best friend to be any help in the celibacy department (even if it wasn’t Debra, the fact that Evelyn thought it was says a lot), and 2) Evelyn must feel really alone.

[Evelyn sighed in defeat knowing in “Debra language” that meant, “no,”] “Debra language”, now that’s interesting. Debra has a nice code, apparently. It lends to her courteous deceptiveness as a person.

[Evelyn pressed her lips into a tiny smile and shook her head.] I saw this. Hahaha This goes up there with the cowboy description in the previous chapter.

[“I wanna fly…” she suddenly giggled uncontrollably and spread her arms out before flopping her head back on the chair.] LOL!

Okay, alright, after finding that funny, I have to take it seriously. The want to “fly” is directly related to the feeling of being “trapped”, which I thought was a good thing for Evelyn to say when she’s not really all there. It shows her most truthful feelings.

On another note, this Andy bastard. What the hell?

[Debra began giggling. “We got sick of you telling everyone that you were a princess and could fly if you wanted to…so Robbie finally drove you and I home.”] LOL! She thinks she’s a princess, too! That’s an interesting statement to make.

A princess, in folk tales, is usually a passive character that waits for her rite of passage, for a prince to come and rescue her. She lives in the lap of luxury, has very little to do with the political, socio-economic status of the kingdom, and is constantly used as an icon to represent the beauty of the kingdom. She is also demanding and sometimes intolerable. XD;;

[Debra glanced at the alarm clock. It was nearly one in the afternoon. “What time do you have class?”] Dance class, right? I like how Debra didn’t say: “What time do you have (subject) class?”

[“I dunno. Mandy says she takes them to stay awake and gave me a bottle to try and you can take what Robbie gave us. You seemed pretty happy on that stuff.”] Whoa, speed? College drugs? D:?

[“Of course, I’ve got the system down,” she smirked referring to her access in and out of the house on school nights right under Katherine’s nose.] Aw, come on, you could trust us to remember what it is. Well, maybe… never mind. I retract my comment. I remembered the whole party on weekday thing because I thought it was really smart, but some people might already be doing it, and will need to be reminded that Evelyn does it too. XD;;

[Evelyn began stripping out of her clothes. “I dunno. It depends on how the recital goes in a couple weeks with all the company managers watching.” “You really wanna dance full time and leave me all alone at school?” Debra pouted.] Interesting! So Evelyn, if Evelyn is good enough, her whole world might change! Somehow, I have a feeling that she might screw up. God, I hope not, though.

And it’s pretty real for girls to change in front of each other. Well, good-looking girls, at least. Rofl

What I think the story is really avoiding is the most important aspect of Evelyn and Josh’s lives. Their artistic lives. The story shows us distraction, pain, loneliness and disappointment, which provides a motive for why the story might not make the artistic part a focal point as opposed to a B-story. Is this how you felt about your own artistic talent when you were writing this story?

[“Just don’t get addicted or anything like that, you wouldn’t wanna end up like Jessie from “Save by the Bell would you ?”] LOL quotation problem. Use single quotes.

[Evelyn nodded weakly. “Yeah, but I threw it away once we left.” “You’re such a tease, Evie! I thought you didn’t even like Andy!”] It took me a while to get this, but I think Debra is trying to say… ‘You threw away that guy’s number? I thought you and Andy weren’t going steady.’ Right?

[Debra gasped and slapped Evelyn on the knee. “NO! He knows I don’t want to have sex with him. We’re just having fun together until he goes off to college.”] This virgin ideal. Well, it’s better than the whole story being full of walking STD’s. XD! I think it should do some justice by inserting somewhere (later on in the story) that Debra’s at LEAST been to third base, which seems easier for me to believe, with the amount of partying, drinking and drug-taking they do. I do respect the Save-for-Love ideal, though. And I think it’s possible to stay a virgin even in such a hectic environment, but at least ONE person should have a little problem keeping themselves in check when it comes to sex, on the girls’ end. We all know the guys on Josh’s end have something seriously wrong with them. XD;;

[Tyler snorted and scribbled the number on Josh’s math book. “When does your sentence get lifted?” He asked as they made their way to class.] O, wut? : O? Sentence?

[It wasn’t pot that he wanted. That was something he usually just got every other weekend or so, but he didn’t think he could wait that long to try another round of coke] O, shitz0rz!

Him and Evelyn are going in a downward spiral!

[He thought about all the reasons he shouldn’t, but there were a lot of things he probably shouldn’t be doing, especially with Tyler and Greg. It was hard to not go along with them…] Alright, I really needed this paragraph, and I’m finally glad it came. You don’t know how relieved I am to see it. And I think I admire Tyler for treating Josh like a normal person when he was going through a lot of pain. I like “pot holders” though. Hahaha

[The bell rang finally, but he took his time gathering his things. He fished around in his back pack for a quarter to call Zach.] O man. He doesn’t have a cell phone? Or he doesn’t want it to show up on his bill? Someone like Justin wouldn’t have a cell phone because he’s poor and anti-social, but Josh?

[When he made it to the pay phones, they were being occupied by a group of freshman girls. He made a mental note to ask his sisters why girls seemed to roam in packs.] I liked this. I wonder a lot about that, too. I feel off-set whenever I see that sort of thing. I used to hang out with a pack of wild animals, a.k.a, a bunch of really immature guys, when I was in grade school. Then with a bunch of popular anti-socials (and sometimes with the popular group) when I was in high school. It seems like everyone in College goes around in pairs. I don’t really see the clique stuff happening too much. Only on the Quad, and you could usually separate them by what they wear or what ethnicity they are. Which is sort of like, c_c

[“Hey, ‘sup,” Zach drawled.] hahaha I could hear that.

[“I dunno, the stuff you gave me lasted about a week.”“I can give you enough for a few weeks…”Oh, shit. : O He drained a whole month’s supply in a week? Shit, he’s gonna die.

[Mark pulled up to the school relieved to see Josh. There was always some fear that his son just wouldn’t be there.] I really like this father.

[“Don’t push him,” was all she had said regarding their son. “I know he’ll figure it all out in his own time.”] AND josh’s mother. She’s awesome, and I think that it’s the best way to parent a kid, anyway. To be there for them, but not to enforce so many rules. They’ll die of strangulation.

[but the day Elise found out she was pregnant, she told Mark, “this one…this one is gonna be special…”] I really liked this. Man, I love Josh’s parents. They seem to put a softer feel on the story. I wish Evelyn had parents like these. Or at least, someone who acknowledges she’s special, too. She seems to always have to take care of herself, fend for herself. It makes me feel bad.

[“Did you get some good sleep in class?” Mark asked and cast a sideways glance. He was pleased to see the hint of a smile creep up on his son’s lips.] hahahaha I like how the father has a sense of humor, too.

And the last sentence mutes this story. It seems to go from REALLY loud to REALLY quiet.

And also, I like how Josh bled into Evelyn’s chapter, so now both characters are slowly going to be integrated into each other’s lives. You’ve set up all the parallels, and have this platform ready for them to meet on. I’ll be watching to see how you’ll pull it off. I’m kind of excited, actually.

But beyond that, I had no complaints about the writing showing too much idealism this time, because I don’t think I could complain about characters wanting to keep their virginity. I just want to say, though, there was a lot of that. Convincing the reader that both Evelyn and Debra aren’t sluts. And that says something about them as much as it does about the author, who is just as concerned about them as the reader is, if not more. I think, if it bothers you that maybe they’re not looking like virgins, more of their opinions should reflect how they feel. Like the reaction to what Evelyn says about the girl in the closet (who is supposedly Mandy). You could always add more of those, instead of directly doing this: “I thought you weren’t going to do anything” stuff. That just seems like they’re animals that need to be constantly put in check with suspicion and jealousy for their sexual urges, because they wouldn’t control them otherwise. You know what I mean?

But otherwise, I had no real complaint. The story went by smoothly, and I was completely interested the whole time. I didn’t do a lot of back-tracking or inward contemplation while I was reading, which is always the sign of a riveting chapter. To be honest, I didn’t think I was going to be able to finish this review, but it looks like I’m almost there!

It was a solid chapter.

I also liked this chapter because Debra didn’t seem like a cardboard cut-out of a cheer-leader, bitch motif. She was a concerned person who likes her best friend. Well, concerned AFTER she was finished being so self-involved with Robbie. rofl

I don’t know, but I’m really in love with Josh’s parents. They’re the warm presence that I look for in all writing. That glimmer of hope that love, inspiration and passion are somewhere underneath all the pain and cynicism we’ve built up from years of suffering and misunderstanding. Writers—all artists—no, anyone who expresses themselves—always have a lot to say about pain. But the world around them, of happiness, love, warmth—it’s hard to find in writing. So when I see it, I elevate it. Not to say I don’t mind a story full of killing, violence, cussing and mayhem, but I want to see that small glimmer of light. And I saw it, which is possibly what prevented me from getting too belligerent about this chapter. Debra, Tyler, Mark and Elise really shined in this chapter in their own special ways.

This was a good chapter, I can’t wait for the next one. And, in a small side-note, thank you for not giving up on my work. It’s awkward and crude compared to your pieces, so I’m grateful that you even give it the time of day.

Rock on, 24!

This is really good, i love your writing styly and i love Josh..

Is the story fin?

I found you again! I love this story...by the way, this is pacagirl (I believe that was the handle I was using back in the day) Anyway, don't worry if you don't remember me...just wanted to drop a quick line and let you know that I really enjoy your stories...

[About twenty minutes later, the bell rang; signaling that the period was over.] I know I kept pissing and moaning about the semi-colon. I think I'll leave it alone now. I see that you have an implied subject, and it's done consistently throughout the piece, so I'll drop it. I apologize.

[Mr. Peterson lowered his eyes sadly remembering that the sixteen year old boy had recently lost his mother to breast cancer.] This sort of exposition might pass off as like a "oh, boo-hoo." Is there another place you could've put this? Maybe having it revealed during a personal interaction with one of his closer friends? On a psychological level, to see the teacher address this issue of Josh's mother having passed away creates a sense of dettachment of the readers from the characters. I think there's another place this could go.

[Tyler and his dad were a lot alike; both were boisterous, obnoxious and a tad irrational.] "a tad" isn't necessary. It sounds better just as "boisterous, obnoxious and irrational". And funnier, too.

[“She was just lookin’ for a piece of ass!” joked Tyler. “Specifically, Huntley’s ass!”] A more dude-ish thing to do is keep the first line and then. "joked Tyler. He smirked at Josh. 'Tap 'dat.'" or something equally as weird and faggoty, as guys who are less homophobic tend to do.



[Joshua Huntley hung his head over the desk furtively sketching out on the paper the image he had frozen in his mind.] Using the word "furtively" on a male character is a new one for me. I think it adds a special, feminine touch to him, especially since he's an artist. This wasn't meant in a sarcastic way; I like seeing good balance in characters that show the other gender in them. [He may have been a typical teenager and not really listened to his parents much, but he did take it to heart when his mother had shared with him why he shouldn’t take sex so lightly.] Here's another one of those nice things I look for in writing.

[“I um…I was going through some old photographs of my mom’s. This was her high school picture.”] Here's another special touch. A man who admires his mother and tries to repaint her in his mind is obviously much more sensitive. And the teacher was right in a way. They have that saying that men try to look for their mothers in other women. I sort of believe it.

Then again, it might be my bias in thinking that teachers don't really care about students-they are human, after all.

You paint this Josh character a lot more lovingly than you do Evelyn. I think I could see why. I'm glad for this sort of characterization of the narration, too. I was beginning to think all the characters were jaded and dripping cynicism. But the narrative seems to like Josh a lot. It uses nice words for him.

[He did a mental check trying to remember where he had stashed the money he’d been pilfering from his dad’s wallet for his drug supply. “You drivin?”] Josh and Evelyn are little rascals. This indulgence in drugs poses a deeper problem. I might happen to address it later on... if I remember.

Okay, if you happen to get bored and read these reviews on another day, and I mention that I would discuss something at a later date, and after chapter ten you see that I haven't yet, please send me an e-mail. I don't like leaving things undone. And, truthfully, I'm overwhelmed by the different stories I encounter every week, that I've become pretty forgetful. So, yeah, don't be embarrassed. I really want to know if I left something out. And I just made a livejournal account to address special issues about my reviews, too. XD;;

I just hope people read it, so I could cut down on some e-mails.

[Mark sighed. Ever since his wife of twenty-seven years had died last year, Josh hadn’t been the same.] Uh-oh, here's a problem. Mother is twenty-seven but some of the kids are away at college. Subtract at least eighteen years, and so the mother had the kids when she was... nine years old? Unless the kids are on the father's side from a previous marriage, then I apologize.

[Mark silently prayed for the Lord to watch over his son who seemed so lost and alone. As his earthly father, he felt helpless to do anything else.] Both Mark and Josh are a lot more endearing than Evelyn and Katherine. Is there any reason for this? [Josh cast his eyes down thinking of his father, but before he even registered what the thought was about,] Even if the thought never registers, it's good that it's somewhere in the back of his mind anyway. I like how it's rendered. I've read stories where the character exposes mounds and mounds of thoughts in one sitting in the span of like, five minutes. Here, I could see the distractions taking precedence over these characters' lives, which is a lot truer to real life.

Distraction seems to be the best way to dull the pain.

Figures Josh is a virgin. XD;; That seems to be an idealistic motif women keep tacking onto their male characters. Why not have a sexually active guy who chooses to finally love one girl? Like, searching for treasure and stumbling upon others until you find what's really valuable to hold onto. I think that means a lot more than virgin angst, but that's something that should be addressed on FPDebate. I'm thinking of recommending this story and Emily West's... and a few of Monochrome Lovers' on FP_Review, when I get around to finishing this story, I mean. And also when I could write up a real good synopsis.

[He had a vague hunch he was better looking than most guys his age.] Aw, God, Bkgal. Do we need this? Do we need this whole paragraph? I'm not trying to be a sour puss, but I already assumed he was good-looking. It almost seemed a given. With every piece of writing, I've become prudent enough to assume the character's good-looking, and the only time I change that perception if is their character is shitty or if the narrative expresses that they're not good-looking. You're a talented writer. Do you need this paragraph of justification for his good looks?

And what's with people think Californians surf? Even if you DO live in California, what is the likelihood that you'll be surfing?

... Okay, my real problem is. I don't know how to swim. e_e

[The only class he didn’t generally fall asleep in was art... Occasionally he’d tag along to the gym with Greg who was shaping up to be one of the finest running backs in their high school. Tyler, on the other hand, was just as good in soccer as Greg was in football and Josh was at surfing. The three musketeers might have easily been the most successful boys at their school if they didn’t waste their time partying and doping up.] That's the important stuff I sifted out of that paragraph dripping with idealism. XD!

We can argue about omissions all day, and yeah, sometimes I lose. XD; But not often.

[Greg flashed a flirtatious smile. “Well, technically I should be a senior in high school, but I skipped the first grade.”] XD;;

[“Sophomore,” replied Josh. She didn’t ask if it was high school or college, he justified to himself.] Look at this goodie two shoes. Who is this guy? rofl

[Josh leaned back against the wall folding his arms; still watching the surfing on the screen.] Seeing as how little interested he is in getting chicks, I think he just wants some weed. rofl

Greg prime

[The girls screeched in laughter and the one on his left poked him in the stomach.] The word "screeched" for this group of girls' kind of laughter is real good. This story seems to hate typical girls.

This story also has a lot of indulgement in it. I think the later parts of the story will be more quiet, but this motif is something that glares. Without the humor in it or the "sensitive" character, I'd be cringing every other sentence. I've had to suffer through stories where these real piss heads are at a party, sulking on a couch, bashing "shallow" people, and I'm thinking to myself: 'There's a reason why you put your character in a setting like this, and it ain't because your character just wants to sneer at a closer range.' A cynical analyst would say writers elevate their characters by putting them in their anti-environment. Like, a nerd at a party. Or a smart girl in a sorority.

But I think, your story has gotten a lot closer to what the real problem is, though it has its fair share of cynicism and elevation. The problem is, as this story touches on, the inability to really connect with who should be most important. Like parents. The deeper issue, is, of course, the inability to relate, which is something much deeper. We're on the net because we have the ability to connect, but even then, relating is a whole 'nother story.

We're very lonely, and I'm glad this story has its perception on loneliness, personified through Josh and Evelyn. I'm thankful, even. But there might need to be a little sifting through here.

The story needs only a few adjustments, concerning some of the narration. The point isn't to mask the author, but to accentuate the author's scope of awareness with more truthful writing. The devices for un-masking these truths might be crude (in say, rap for instance), but it's a lot more effective.

Back to the review. These take me forever, seriously. But I think I could get most of this chapter done with tonight, which is like, unheard of. People have asked me why my chapters are so short-this is the reason.

It takes me forever to review in such big clumps. I really like to concentrate. Later on, the story could be re-pieced together, but for right now, I like seeing smaller sections so I could narrow-in on deeper in my reviews. Luckily for me, you put these chapters into smaller sections, so if I need to stop, I could stop.

No, really. Back to the review.

[Josh gulped uncomfortably feeling the blood rush to places he didn’t want to at the present moment. He was reminded again of why it was so embarrassing to dance… with a girl…this close.] Virgin hugger. rofl

[He couldn’t help thinking to himself, we’re in eighth grade people! How experienced are we supposed to be?] Look at this girlish idealism oozing out.

[Tyler puffed up his chest sarcastically and sauntered over bowl-legged like a cowboy;] ROFLMAO! I totally saw that. I've been trying to think of a way to describe that exact image. Damn, that's perfect.

I like the father. He has a soft feel. I pity him a lot, too.

That twenty-seven thing is bothering me again. I'm really starting to think it's a typo or something, especially since one of the girls (Angela) is a senior in COLLEGE.

[As a father, he had tried all the threats and screaming he could at Josh. He’d taken away his phone privileges and his car, but the threats weren’t improving Josh’s behavior... He’d also given up trying to make Josh attend church with him...] Oh, so Katherine and Mark ARE the same, for different reasons. It's probably because the first thing I saw about Mark wasn't him yelling or calling his son a slut, but a nice comment about him. Of course, Josh's mother is dead, so it's a fine line Mark is walking. Katherine has more leeway to slap and bitch at her kid. But I'm starting to see the character parallels.

[Josh slipped his headphones on and continued working on the sketch of his mother that Monday in class. It brought him a strange comfort to trace the outlines of her smile; the glimmer of life in her eyes…almost like she was still alive.] You could tell he's really in love with his mother. Not in a bad way. I really feel for him. I can assess his character better when the narration relates him to his mother than I can when he's at a party turning beet red because of some gyration dance.

[He wished for a lot of things.] An important statement. It was good to isolate it on its own. It tells me a lot about Josh.

[Josh squared his jaw and looked at his father defiantly. “Why not? That’s what you did when mom was still here!”] O snap. Josh pulled an Evelyn. XD!

[His friend motioned with his hand the act of smoking.] Here's one of those times where I wished you pulled out of your magical writer's hat a descriptive statement about what smoking a doobie looks like.

[He had stopped singing and playing since his mom died last fall.] Look at this bard. This dreamy bard.

[Elise always had the other half, but before she died, she instructed Josh to save it and give it to someone special. When the two charms were put together they read: May the Lord Watch Between Me and Thee While We Are Apart From One Another.] Evelyn's lucky that she's gonna get this guy. He's sensitive, sweet, an artist and a musician (though I consider musicians artists, too)... He's everything a girl could want. -eyes BkGal.- XD;;

[He wished that perhaps there was still some magic in the world; a miracle of sorts that could have somehow kept his mother alive.] Here's more of that wishful thinking.

[He’d like a fix right now, but wouldn’t dare smoke it in the house. Then he remembered that Zach had given him something extra to try…] I remember, too.

The theme for this poor Josh character is finding ways to cope with the hurt.

Throughout this chapter, I admit that I couldn't find Josh hanging out with any of these guys. You would think he's had enough of pretending to be like them, and would find somewhere else to be or some other crowd, or a place he could be alone. It's too much to be dragged all over the goddamn place while your heart's still hurting, and that's a fact. It could make a person a lot more irritated and less sociable, too, the constant aggravations.

I could see Josh laughing alongside these guys at all, which has a really bad effect. I know it's done on purpose, but it's a pain to watch, and not in the good way. I think because the reader KNOWS Josh is hurting, it's hard to even read the "typical guy" dialogues in which Josh partakes in. He looks pretty damn awkward, too, which bugs me even more.

I think, the first and last sections should be the one to address Josh's pain concerning his mother. And the sections with Mark in them. Otherwise, I think those details should be kept as far away from Josh as possible, as to give the reader more of a fourth wall PoV into Josh without having the Narrative's sympathy buzzing all around us.

I want to have this sense like I could feel pity for him, too, without being forcefed.

Does that sound too harsh? I mean to be constructively abusive, but if it sounds too harsh, I'll tone down.

But I see this immense talent for writing and rendering characters so delicately, and I think since you're willing to keep editing this for the "billionth" time, you could spare it a little more editing.

I hope my advice has some kind of bearing. This is the sincerest I could be without coming off as too nice or too mean.

The descriptions were great. I couldn't believe how easy it was to imagine everything I was reading. Though, I kept seeing the party as too small for some reason, but my mind keeps forcing me to think that it's a HUGE event.

The way you characterized the father is among my favorite characterizations in this story, next to Greg. I like seeing that clandestine sympathy between the writer and the reader. But not too much, or it'll spoil the realism of the story.

Another thing I liked was word choice. Very delicate, very thoughtful.



The chapter as a whole was a good read, too. It flowed pretty well-which is more than I could say for my own work.

I'm just really hoping that the writer's fantasy won't take too much of a hold on this relationship. These characters already have their own lives. It wouldn't be right for an overlord to come and take that away from them.

I'll keep posted with this story, I'm kind of excited to see how they'll meet. Which is... kind of corny of me, but I think it's why I keep sticking to this genre. I'm looking for lightning.

And... also, thank you for taking some time to review my work. It's more than I could ask for. I'm really grateful.

Rock on, BkGal.