Wow! I love this story! Its really well done! I just found the link on SKoW and thought I'd read it. I can see why you got Judges pick. Update soon! :)

Here I am. Back in action. I sincerely apologize for the delay. There was a monolithic, 900 word poem that I had spent most of my time trying to analyze for the past few days, but now that I got over that hurdle (it was a great poem, by the way. I favorited it-it was written by someone who doesn't even write poetry and it was still great-I can now work through the rest chapter one, and probably all through the next one. I have an hour and a half to work through this, possibly an hour and forty-five minutes, so I'll see what I could get through. I'd rather have an incomplete review than a half-assed one. Also, many thanks for endeavoring to read my work. It's difficult. There's an author's note on the eighth chapter that you might enjoy (if you have enough in you to read all the way to chapter eight). rofl

As the other review went, re-edits will be in the first half of this, and then just general comments will be in the second half.



Man, this story treats Evelyn like a serious villain.



You had a strange usage of the word "prone". I always hear it in the context of "he's more prone to lighting the bathroom on fire than he is to study." But I double-checked with , so that's all good.

[Anytime a song came on the radio, it was as if her mind were programmed to make up dance steps. .] Are those two periods intentional? first paragraph of the second section.

[Evelyn flipped to the end of the magazine and rolled over on her back and closed her eyes; running through her dance routines.] the infamous semi-colon. and/yet/so/but "running through her dance routines" doesn't fit, so I think you should just use a comma.

[Katherine had said goodnight to Evelyn about thirty minutes ago; confident that Evelyn was just going to fall asleep reading her DANCE Magazine.] this semi-colon works, technically. It's just that it's better to write "[she was] confident that..." So the and/but/yet/so works more effectively. [He blushed right back and nodded; pleased that Evelyn had apparently checked him in out on the field.] same. [She smiled; thankful she had instructors that didn’t believe in over working her to the point of an injury or burn out.] same again.

This is in the last section where Frank is asking her something, and then he says: [“Go home sleep, sweetheart.,” he leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead.] There's a period and a comma.



[She could do anything; tap, jazz, hip-hop, modern.] this versatility has more to do with her personality than her ability. I think that Dance is her embodiment for her personality, and the elusiveness of her personality could have a lot to do with her wide range of capabilities. It's all a matter of whether she wants to "specialize" or learn how to integrate all parts of herself into a passionate performance. I'll be looking throughout the story for more insights like these, and to see if she hones in on one form of a dancer versus another, or if she does multiple ones (and what personalities they might signify) or if she dances at all. [Once she retired from dancing, then she’d open up her own studio.] The idea of retiring is linked to a fulfillment of personality. I'm glad that she wants this fulfillment. When we graduate from anxiety and pain, we have more of a hold on ourselves. That is to say, we "own" ourselves more than we did previously.

[Her body had been divinely sculpted it seemed for that very purpose. Hindrances still loomed on the horizon if she still had growing to do or sustained an injury if pushed too hard.] This happened to my teacher in Freshman year of high school. Man, she was beautiful. You could already tell she was a dancer. But something, a nerve or a tendon or something in her foot disallowed her from ever professionally dancing again, or she could risk a hobble in her walk. One faulty step-and her scholarship, everything went down the drain. She had been wanting to do it since she was a kid. And somehow, she became an English teacher. so the end of this paragraph suggests what Cher herself questions: "do you believe in life after love?" It's a corny example. but is there anything past our present aspirations, passions and infatuations when we find they are out of reach, impractical, or no longer attainable?

[Decent grades came easily to her so far. Freshman year in high school hadn’t been as hard academically as people had warned. Evelyn was pretty sure she was going to breeze by with A’s and B’s…maybe a C in Biology.] I figured she was this smart. She has everything. Beauty, intelligence. She's well-equipped for the real world. And I like how her personality is concerning academics. She knows how to ration her work ethic so she does the least mount of work efficiently. I think you could get rid of the "so far" in the first sentence. The second sentence is enough to explain the implied "so far".

[The real change had been the interest that the older boys had taken in her.] This transformation that she takes in this paragraph. The height and the braces-it seems to be a way of justifying her beauty to make it seem more unique and such and such. I think the only useful and sincere module of this paragraph is nearing the end, where she turns down a lot of guys and everything thinks she's lesbian. That's enough for me to suggest that she's beautiful, and not just in a superficial way, but in an intelligent way that demands better quality in her relationships. I mean, I liked the imagery concerning the paragraph itself. It was really sensual, but it just had this weird, glaring thing about it. People have less to envy if the girl used to be an ugly duckling, right? It can't be that she's always been pretty and refined, or else that seems too typical and inferior to the more unusual and more appealing protagonist that transforms. What I am really trying to insinuate is the question of-is it necessary?

[Debra became popular once she made the cheerleading squad as a freshman.] what I like is that you have these great, loaded sentences that are social commentary as well as adequate details. This chapter is littered with them. It shows a little resent on the part of the narrator, but it also says a lot about Evelyn's school environment. I lived in a poor area but traveled past three cities to go to a rich, Catholic private school. I was lucky to be liked and accepted, but MAN were people annoying superficial. People have their moments of superficiality, but a lot of people's reps were founded on the fickle assessments of others. Hair, belts, ties, bracelets. B.S. like that. I got lucky, because I'm sort of racist and I'm an ass in class, which everyone seems to like no matter what institution you're in. rofl

[She had tried to convince Evelyn to try out, but Evelyn insisted she wasn’t going to waste her precious skills on something as useless as cheerleading causing Debra to feign a deep offense.] Superior Evelyn. You could tell the story is really nursing her image. the story loves her, which is both good and bad. we'll see if one quality takes precedence over the other as time goes by.

[She had Katherine’s hair and smooth Portuguese skin and figured she was lucky to inherit her icy blue eyes since neither parent had them.] Another one of those silky-smooth statements that attempts to make Evelyn stand out more. I want to hear her talk. I wanna fall in love with her. I don't just want to be mentally looking at her for nine paragraphs.

[Camilla had retired to her cottage that sat a ways back on the property. She lived there with her husband and small toddler.] It seems that Evelyn's real mother (not literally, but psychologically) is Camilla. The author puts this perfect, humble family in a small property somewhere behind Evelyn's big house. The fact that this more genuine family is in hiding shows even more the coldness and dettachment that Evelyn feels toward her own. I could imagine that Camilla, her husband, and her toddler are much closer, both spatially and emotionally. We'll see if there are any more new developments or insights into that family.

[Her bedroom was on the second floor, but there was a hill that sloped up close enough to the side of the house so she could hang down and drop to her feet.] this paragraph about Evelyn's escape is great. Great attention to detail.

On a more random note, the story referred to Debra's type as the "cute little blonde girl" and Evelyn seems to be the more dark, sophisticated one. Maybe the story is somewhat attacking a real life Debra?

[Stereotypical cute cheerleaders, Evelyn mused to herself.] Ha! A common above-average high schooler notion. I guess that's just the competition between females talking. XD;;

[Evelyn wished she had parents as easy going as Debra’s and with Debra being the youngest of five children, she could pretty much get away with murder.] This is true. roflmao

[Robbie greeted them at the doorway and his eyes brightened as he saw Debra. “Ladies! Thanks for comin!’”] We know what kind of chick Robbie likes. rofl

[The expression on Debra’s face lit up into a Miss America smile.] what's with all the superficial descriptions of Debra in this story? Man, this story must hate the hell out of Debra.

[They sat in the hot tub and talked in fake accents while flipping their wrists around as if they were rich superstars.] LOL! See, now that's what I like to see. A warmer friendship between Debra and Evelyn. they can't be all that different if they're joined at the hip, right? the irresolution in every friendship and relationship is usually the cause of envy or some internal anxiety. I think that if in their younger days, they could do something as sophisticated and hilarious as pretending to be aristocrats and talking in fake accents and all that, Debra can't be all that dumb or superficial or... "stereotypical cheerleader"-esque. Don't you? [but the best thing about their friendship was that they could always fight out their differences and then be back to normal the next day.] This might be because Debra's sort of ditzy and air-headed and Evelyn is decent and civilized, right?

[“Um…I dunno. Beer, shots…I think someone’s got some jungle juice.”] hahaha rich kids and their jungle juice. At parties, you'll always see these weird guys in polo shirts laughing like geeks drinking jungle juice and talking about My Space, which weirds me the fuck out.

That Queens game. geez. When my indian friend gets drunk, he does this bugger-eyed dance where he like, does the okay/dollar sign with both hands and like zooms them in and out in front of his eyes while he stands like, right over you. It's really annoying. roflmao

[“Miss Evie! C’mon, you’re going to be late! You’re alarm ha sonado for fifteen minutes!”] rofl spanish maids

[Someday, she thought to herself wistfully. Evelyn wasn’t naive enough to realize that guys usually only wanted one thing from a girl, but she and Debra had made a pact not to lose their virginity until they were married…or at least positive that it was going to be with the man each would marry.] I enjoyed this paragraph. I like seeing Evelyn's sentiments. The sentence doesn't make sense "Evelyn wasn't naive enough to realize that guys usually only wanted one thing from a girl"... isn't it "Evelyn wasn't naive. She already knew guys usually only wanted one thing from a girl." or can it possibly be "Evelyn was still too naive to figure out that guys usually only wanted one thing from a girl"? the phrasing you have for your sentence is a little awkward, is all.

[It was when the overweight, grey bearded teacher gently tapped in front of her face that she reluctantly lifted her head and cradled it in her palm instead.] I had someone exactly like this for my U.S. History, too. Strictly Republican, belongs to the NRA, ect. roflmao

[But Katherine also knew part of the argument-less weeks had been because she stayed busy to avoid the estrangement she felt towards Evelyn... The rest of the car ride home was spent in silence.] Thank god the mother's so humanized. I like this empathetic part of the story. Most of the first chapter had been spent on gratuity and superficiality and punishment, I'm glad to see a little love here and there. The one the mom feels for Evelyn, the way Evelyn feels about Debra (sometimes), and the fact that Evelyn values her virginity, all that stuff. I like seeing those personal and special touches, and I hope I'll be seeing more of them.



To tell you the truth, I'm a little burned out. I've been trying to up the anti with how much I'm involved in the English department and it's pretty much shafting me. It's rewarding, though. I'm just burnt out. I spend about thirteen to fifteen hours in school everyday, except for Fridays. I work here, eat here, learn here. I'm just burnt. I think I'll come back tomorrow and start on Chapter two.

I hope that even if my review pace is excrutiatingly slow, that it's helpful, or at least that it gives you the feeling like your work is being nurtured by someone.

I'm enjoying the read. It's delicate and smooth. I could tell a lot of work went through constant editing, and I really appreciate it. Serious writers turn me on. rofl

I'm gonna go eat some of the shit they sell in our cafateria, now. Cafeteria? I think it's the second you really soon. probably tomorrow. I have to review Emily West, too.

Rock on, Bkgal.

i love this story!

lovelovelovelovelovelovelove it!

i am madly in love with this story

Alright.

Grammar suggestions in the first section, and then all other comments in the second section.



[A small pathetic whine gurgled from her throat as she heard the angry click of high heels approach her bedroom door and then braced herself as it crashed open.] The linguistic combination of the words, though perfectly logical, don't have the a coherent bearing because the sounds they have follow in a sequential string, so all the nouns and verbs get mixed up and look alike. Re-edit: "A small pathetic whine gurgled from her throat as she heard the angry click of high heels approach her bedroom door. She braced herself as it crashed open."

[Katherine grabbed the top of Evelyn’s bony arm and forced her into a sitting position. “Get in the shower!”] "the top of" probably means forearm, but it's not necessary. It sounds better to say "grabbed Evelyn's bony arm". I would have said "bony wrist", but then the image looks too abusive. I like how you subtly depict weight and appearance.

[“OW!” Evelyn cried at the scalding hot water.] This isn't exactly a grammar detail, but more of just an everyday detail. I'm thinking that if it's morning time, the water wouldn't be "scalding hot" unless it had been started a few minutes in advanced. Maybe you could express a detail that the mother shoved Evelyn "into the shower, which had already fogged over" or "which had already been turned on". In writing, we can't really express the duration of time unless we make a log that such and such happened and THIS minute and such and such happened the next minute. That would be too redundant-but for the sake of details, and to settle more neurotic readers (hrm me c_c)...

[At 11:30, it was probably already ninety degrees out on the late afternoon in May.] Something is up with this sentence. Maybe this re-edit might work: "It was probably already ninety degrees out. A typical late afternoon in May." But... 11:30 isn't really considered "later afternoon", unless I'm not just getting what you're getting at with this sentence. D:?

[“Why yes, mother…that’s always been my lifelong dream!” she spit out sarcastically.] re-edit: "she spat sarcastically." Don't worry, they'll know that she didn't spit on the door handle or the dashboard or anything.



[Her dark brown hair was in knots with what looked like dried vomit on the ends. “Disgusting,” she muttered.] Wow. At least I know what kind of character I'm going to be reading into. She's pretty young and already active? That's interesting.

Mrs. Cromwell is a God-fearing woman with a crazy teenage daughter. Worst combination ever. rofl

[“Twenty minutes!” screamed Katherine and walked angrily out of the bathroom.] rofl this used to be my ma.

[Thank goodness her parent’s bedroom was located in the opposite wing of their mansion so they couldn’t hear her retching.] Alright, you established their economic status, too. You're really good at subtle characterization, Bkgal.

[Her mother was on the other side of her mumbling the traditional ritualistic prayer. Why does she insist on dragging me here? Evelyn knew the answer though. It was to keep up the pretense that Katherine Cromwell had the perfect life complete with perfect children.] This characterization of the mother is strictly Evalyn's view, right? I could see the tone and all the resentful intonations. I'm just wondering if it's Evelyn's or the story's take on the mother. If it's Evelyn's, good. Story's, bad. The reason being, it's more convincing for a teenager to have a provincial perspective on his or her parents, especially a negative one. But for a story of this level to have a view of Katherine such as this one is close to unacceptable because of how one-dimensional and encapsulated it is. But I'm pretty sure it's just Evelyn pissing and moaning about being at church. rofl

It's pretty weird how it's not Mr. and Mrs. Everyone goes by first name and leveled out. [Victor never interfered with Katherine’s discipline. It was his job to spoil the kids, his wife’s job to keep them in line.] Wow. At least from the past few statements, leading up to this one, we see the character's sentiments and the socio-economic disposition. Working father without good parenting skills, obsessive compulsive Mrs. Beaver gone wrong mother, little scruffy brother (I'm guessing) and rebellious, intelligent, cynical teenage daughter. Now that you have the basic layout, I'm going to be looking for the nuances you bring to authenticate this story.

Oh, and the good nanny, Camilla.

So, let me get this straight. The mom comes into the room, finds daughter passed out on bed in "slut skirt" and still she doesn't question Camilla? Then why does the mother even call her own daughter a slut unless a) she's not stupid and knows Evelyn goes out, b) has dealt with Evelyn's behavior before in the past, or c) is really that goddamn paranoid?

I'm asking these questions more for me to see if they're answered throughout the rest of the story. You won't have to worry yourself until I'm finished with the twenty-sixth chapter though. But if some of the questions I'm asking are answered throughout the story and you know it, it might be a good idea to go back through at least one of the chapters and insert a sentence or two (where it could fit conveniently and without looking awkward) addressing these questions.

Dude. You used the word "schmoozing". XD! That was great.

[Nicklas had squatted down and was intensely preoccupied with an army of ants that were marching across the parking lot. “Evie…look!” Nicklas had picked up a dead bug and shoved it in Evelyn’s face. “One of the ants was carrying this around! It’s huge!”] rofl, this is great. I was the scruffy kid of my family too. XD;;

Aha! She lives in the California Bay Area. Now I get a sense of what's going on. All White neighborhood, probably not a lot of gang violence-or any violence for that matter-and plenty of time for recreation and receiving a good education.

Yours is the complete opposite of my story, which, loosely, is modeled after Southern California, more specifically, the San Fernando Valley (which is akin to Mexico, or so everyone says. I used to live there though. It just seemed like L.A. to me). I just want to take a break to talk about the different narrative voices. Of course, it also matters where the AUTHOR comes from, but that aside, the setting can almost control what the voice of the narration should sound like. Perspective aside, too, even if mine is in first person, even in third person, the narration would be more base, since the details that are being described belong to a place less 'civilized' (and I use that word loosely) than let's say, this story's descriptions.

I gravitate naturally toward trufthful writing. Everything in this chapter seems in sync right now, and it reads really well. Not just fairly well, I mean extremely well. It has a weird unidentifiable tone, reminds me of the colors purple and grey.

Evelyn looks like a dancer. It's the kind of person I imagined even from the very first sentences.

[Katherine pursed her lips. “Hung out…and what else? Played dress up…pretend to be two dollar hookers?”] Jesus. XD! Do moms really talk like that to their daughters up there? I mean, those are some demeaning names to call any kid.

Dude. What am I saying. I cuss all over the place. XD!

Ah. Now we see why the mother is so concerned about the "parading around like a tramp" thing. Does she feel emotionally and mentally inferior because of her "sins"?

Holy crap, Evelyn is disrespectful. And the mother is absuive. This might become too much like a Suburban T.V. show, be careful. There are other ways to show hostility than through the standard slap-in-the-face-after-offensive-retort scene. I consider you revise it and make it more subtle. Katherine is probably very educated and refined (since she was a ballerina that probably grew up in the bay area), so I don't think she would be so coarse as to slap and yell and her daughter. She would probably find other ways. Or maybe she has "The Look". The remorse on the mother's part for hurting her child is really good, but I think the mother would even feel remorse for saying something hella piercing to her daughter, too. Like a quiet, composed statement about her disappointment in Evelyn. One that shows her frustration and her humanity. Because every time a parent even shows some kind of disappointment-and I mean sincere disappointment-it's pretty much like stabbing a kid right in the heart.

I just want to make sure that your work has as much truth in it as possible, and the story flinched for a moment. I think you could portray the fight scene better; Evelyn seems way too smart for her age to be spitting out comments like that anyway. If she's been doing this for a long time, she would probably not say anything at all and let her mother yakkity-yak away, and the final blow would be her rolling her eyes as she gets out of the car. Stuff like that could really tick a parent off-if any of these suggestions work, more power to you.

But I don't really have that big of a problem with the fight scene. XD!

I'll have to finish up this review later. I have a class to get to; I'm getting kicked out of this techie lab. Seriously, everyone in here is a goddamn Asian with an asthma laugh. I don't have great access to the net on my own comp (my older, less shittier comp died from lack of a cooling unit and so I have to settle for a six year old hand me down), so I'll probably be back tomorrow or next week. I'll leave the rest of my chapter one review as an anonymous one. See you in a bit, Bkgal.

Hopefully this was helpful.

Naughty me. This has got to be my favorite story EVER written, published or not, and I didn't even review the new one! I cannot tell you how romantic this story is...it makes my heart just...flutter. lolTotally reading more!

This is actually a flag review to let you know that within a week or two, I will be reviewing all chapter of your story-or actually, that I will start the commencement of reviewing. This was a fairly short chapter which I enjoyed reading (and you're everywhere), so here is my small criticism.



the piece has a delicate coming-of-age sound to it. Actually, it sounds like a middle-aged someone wrote it and the story takes itself all the way back to... 1992, though I don't think that it's this story's intention to sound much older than let's say... late twenties. I don't like giving my blanket perception of the whole story based on the first chapter, but concerning the narrative voice, it's very delicate and concise, and it already has that tint of maturation that could only come with confronting pain.

I took the deliberate pains of not reading the summaries of any of your stories just so I could get a good sense from what I'm reading in the actual story itself whether your intentions came out as you wanted them to.

A lot of people will disparage descriptive statement's about a character's beauty, and most of the time, I do too. The description of the guy was great though. He seems sort of androgynous, like he has an angelic, confusing quality about him. "eyelashes wasted on children" is a great figure of speech. And though I've never seen the yellow-tinted blue eye effect, I could imagine the flecks.

The narrator already seems endeared by this charming character (who reminds me of some random dude who plays the flute XD!).

The guy seems to have a good old fashioned sense of charm. And I guess it's how endearing he is (or is going to be, once the story sets us up for the trap) which is what brings the narrator (and possibly the author) the most pain when remembering this guy.

It is an old-fashioned beginning, already summinig up the convention of the story in the ending paragraph before the last line: 'Before him, I was really bored.' Most stories have it near the end or the middle as if to "surprise" the reader or something. At least here it's in plain sight, no one feels like they're being kicked in the goddamn balls over something they should have seen from the very beginning.

The chapter itself lacks slyness (which is actually a good thing in my opinion) and also the narrator's sense of humor. I'm just hoping that the further I engage myself with this story, I'll see more of the things you've already fleshed out with this beginning in the actual story itself. Actually, I'm pretty sure I will. Since Lukertin respects you a lot, I don't have a doubt that you're going to have an engaging read.

I have some classes and other reviews to write, but not too many. I'll be back soon. The Breakdancing Ninja has decided he doesn't want to rate this chapter, out of fear that it will taint his reading experience of the second chapter.

Rock on, BKgal.

aw that's so sweet!

I was wondering what happened to the chapters after 16. it said that they didn't exsist...

I don't know how you do it, but I'm not going to question it. You updated fast and with such a long chapter! Awesome. Update soon! (I don't have to tell you that twice.)

evie and josh sound so cute together :)

hopefully katherine doesn't become a drug addict too!

it's the 'mandy-pills'. poor evie :)

I love this Prologue! Well done! I want to cry already.

Reposting again?