Cool. Gruesome. I like it.

WAPOI

Really nice description. I think you definitly have potential to be a great writer, from the way you set the scene, explain emotion in terms we can understand and give a general feeling. However, though I know it really sucks, you can tell a great story, but people won't read it if the grammar is bad. Your grammar isn't neccesarily that, but you do need to look over your punctuation. Try reading the peice a loud to yourself before posting. Some grammar mistakage is okay... but if it makes the story hard to understand, you've got a problem. Hey and thanks for the review.