WHY HAVE YOU NOT UPDATED
WHY
I LOVE THIS FIC

hi lightpaladin! omg, this review is so overdue i dunno what to say. i had work, but now that i've resigned i can at least make it up to you. and it's not my place to ask this of you now, but your promised review for Tsubasa Reverse is late as well. LOL. but now i'm gonna make one for you.

i'll be starting to review for Chapter 2, but i will be going straight to the latest chapter up.

my thoughts on the prologue: very well written. you have an excellent diction and the talent to back it up. there were some wordings and syntactical structures that somehow shifts from a good tone to bad, but i think it couldn't be helped at this point (like for example the 'thee' and 'thou' and then the mention of 'sixteen', plus its inappropriate mood to the rest of the prose quality). the background plot isn't really that engaging though, as countless permutations of the same one have existed for as long as the supernatural genre has begun its newfound resurgence. in other words, the plot is cliched. let's see how well you can play this out (and hopefully make a difference in the process, which you really, really need).

okay, for the first chapter. there were some tense flips in the description of the coffee shop (where you wrote with past tenses, but somehow injected 'is' and 'has' erroneously here). the shop's interior was overly described to the point it was unnecessary, which brings me to mind of your description of what the three friends wore, especially that of Lucas.

how come Cyrus didn't know it was Lucas's birthday when he had served them for three years?

hmm, okay. fairly typical coming-of-age chapter for Lucas. there was actually little tension here, as you've implied right out that Lucas was that Angel of Chaos thing mentioned in the prologue. as such, the mystery has all been extinguished. the only thing that's good here is still your style, and although your descriptions were overdone they were well executed. the coffee served seemed to be really nice, although i really am no fan of coffee shops (i loathe people who go to Starbucks, really). also, Lucas's dream to fly is kinda... um, i dunno, disappointing? sometimes, you need to keep people in the dark. don't give out all of it in one go.

the last chapter, chapter 2, was uhm... how should i say this? childish? while again the chapter was written well, and there were really almost non-existent grammatical or typographical errors, i couldn't help but notice that the pacing was kinda something like taken from a second-rate graphic novel and written here. there were no deviations from the typical chosen-hero-saves-the-world thing and his discovery of his powers (in this case, having wings), and even the elemental powers and his friends being two of those is really a bit too much cliched. even the passable cliffhanger was ruined by your telling us it WAS a cliffhanger, which thoroughly defeated its purpose.

you have good talent, and good prose, yet with such level of storytelling this story will die if you insist on using stale concepts from the genre. use a more active imagination, ingenious twists, and keep your audience guessing, and i'm quite certain your writing will stand out. as of now, your style is still in its developmental stage, but i can see your vast potential.

keep writing! this was meant not as a way to discourage you, but for you to improve.

~DD

I can handle high fantasy, but God save me from the prolouge. I don't think I can stress it enough how much a prolouge turns a lot of people off- they think, "Oh god, BACKSTORY! A whole bunch of informtion that I HAVE to read or this won't make sense!"

Of course, that's only my opinion. But it's generally better if you find a way to fit all of this information within the actual story itself, scattered through dialouge and the like. It's my opinion as a writer that prolouges are the "get rich quick" scheme. You don't want to take the time to slowly reveal the information a reader needs to know. And that's what you should do- tell the reader what they NEED to know! And not in one chunk, either. And what's with the 'thou' stuff? It seems very out of place. I'd remove it, or match the rest of the dialouge to fit it. Like, six-and-ten instead of sixteen, since that's a pretty modern-sounding word.

Again, this is only my opinion. I tend to be harsh, but that's life baby.

TTNR!

(Till The Next Review)

The first paragraph was very descriptive - okay, maybe a bit too much. Are these names Japanese or Chinese? They sound like it.

First thing that I notice upon reading this is the italics. I'm not entirely sure why you would choose to put the prologue in italics, but my advice would be to make it normal.

You have a good hook as a first sentence-certainly the readers will want to know what happened that would cause so much blood!

First paragraph: "The once fertile and peaceful plains were transformed " 'were' in this sentence should be 'had been'. Also, the use of 'infernal' as an adjective in this sentence is weak, I would advise finding a synonym. 'Pandemonium' is the same in that sense; chaos would be a far easier and more aesthetic word choice.

"Blood stained the green grass like a torrential flood" Using 'stained' and 'flood' to refer to the same thing is rather contradictory. Once the flood had dissipated the grass would be stained, but while the flood is present you wouldn't necessarily be able to tell the grass is stained, follow me? Using a more liquid word would present a better dynamic.

The use of 'red' to describe the color of blood is weak; try for a more elegant word like 'crimson' or 'sanguine'.

'concert' would be better served if you changed it to 'concerto'

I like your names for the two races :) However, you might want to do a bit more description on them other than one side is angelic and the other demonic. Nothing overwhelmingly detailed, mind you, just a little extra so the readers have something solid. The use of the good vs. bad premise is very flat and overdone: without a little extra personalization and detail it is easy to get lost amid the sea of writers that have used this contrast.

I don't want to bury you in grammar notations, so just make sure you read over your story carefully to pick out the little burrs that make your story less smooth.

'force was in the form of a human who lived in fear all of his life, and his tormentors just wouldn’t stop the threats, the stalking, the violence.' I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. Go more in depth so your audience is on the same level as you are-don't be afraid of detailing the bits and pieces. Yes, you do have to be careful of going overboard, but you can always take stuff out later.

'Vor, the god of strength, discipline, and valor, worshipped by the Hui Rauko' -another reason to detail what exactly makes the angelic ones angelic and the demonic ones demonic. The virtues of the god Vor do not sound like something I'd think of upon hearing 'demonic', and when you're trying to outline a story like this, you don't want your readers wondering about something as that will distract them from the story and interrupt the flow.

'Before that happened, something unexpected occurred;' Jumping around the timeline so much within the first three paragraphs is bound to be confusing. Try to keep things in chronological after the first time jump-namely, go from the battle to the events leading up to the battle without any more time jumps.

The parents of the child really nick-named him the Angel of Chaos? Doesn't really seem like something parents would do. . .

'The Hui Rauko father had been slain in the short battle that seemed to last an eternity. The Kala Aini mother wept for her husband amidst the din.' . . .would two lovers who had forsaken their own races for eachother during a time of war really be welcomed back to fight? And for that matter, having loved one another, could they fight? It would seem more realistic to me to have him killed by his own people for betrayal of the Hui Rauko and the Kala Aini woman go to the battlefield in grief to rail against the foolishness that killed her husband.

'She then spotted someone…a human…Chao Arcana, laughing maniacally at the battle before them' To make this more believable, it'd be wise to have a reason for him to be out in the open. Considering the sheer fury the two sides must be facing for such an appalling number of casualties, it would be wiser for him to view the scene from a distance. As well, would not the generals of the opposing sides notice him and wonder what he is doing there?

'Glancing at her infant son' Unless she was going insane with grief, what mother (especially one of angellic cast) would take her son onto the battlefield?

'She had to take him to the only sanctuary she knew of' Again, you're jumping ahead of yourself. How do they know of earth? And how would she know how to get there?

'The Kala Aini was gravely injured; blood trickled down her forehead like a small leak, and her left leg was rendered useless by the trampling of both armies.' These wounds are rather unrealistic, as once you begin to be trampled you oftentimes can't get up. And if she was on the battlefield and seen by both armies, any number of Hui Rauko would take the opportunity to kill her. Perhaps she went to the leaders of her people and they mauled her for sleeping with the enemy? Or perhaps Chao saw her and decided to take a shot at her in her weakened state?

' like a broken hourglass' Should be 'like sand from a broken hourglass'

'blood slowly pouring ' If blood were to pour from a wound, you'd lose strength too quickly to travel anywhere, especially if you were carrying something, which would cause the blood to flow faster. Better for her to have an internal wound or several slowly seeping wounds that might let her live longer and let her retain strength, but would still kill her after an arduous ordeal.

'When thou become sixteen' I got the feeling these races are pretty old, yea? If so, they might view the span of years differently, and sixteen would still seem like a child, which is rather early to reveal someone's destiny to them. If this is not the case, you might want to detail them as mortal races with mortal lifespans.

'furiously eking ' The two works rather contradict eachother in my mind.

'The child was giggling' -How old exactly is he right now? I was under the impression he was still a babe. . .might want to detail exactly how long after he was born these events took place.

'The mother smiled' That takes a bit of energy, especially after she used the last of her strength. Try using 'wanly' after 'smiled' to make her seem a little more weak. As well, one in such a condition might find it hard to talk with little to no energy left.

'disintegrating into light particles ' Sounds iffy, not really elegant enough if you know what I mean.

You definitely have something going here, and I don't mean for any of my comments to seem discouraging. Truly, we all have a long way to go, and my hope is for my ideas to help clarify some of yours. It's easy to forget the audience has no idea what's going on when you first start a story and thusly it's easy to leave important information out.

This is a solid first step for your story, and I think a lot of people leave out the history behind their innocent unaware-of-his/her-past characters or simply don't give it much thought, and it seems like you have.

At the same time, try to go more in depth with your ideas, as it's obvious you've thought it through. Remember your readers depend entirely on you for insight into the world you've created. Also, I'm not sure of how you wanted this prologue to read, whether you wanted it to be a narrative or a detailed account of how events happened. If it is the latter, you need to be more descriptive with the setting and the characters, as right now it is rather dry.

Good luck and hope this helped :)

Katrina

i think you should split this chapter up, cause it's pretty long. and exactly how is your earth different from ours? you might want to explain that a bit. otherwise, good job!

I know that it has been a while since you last update but I'm hoping that since I have left you these reviews of praise(which you totally deserve by the way) that you'll consider continuing this wonderful story. I look forward to an update soon. Keep it up!

lullabyofdeath

Yet another wonderful chapter. You're a brilliant writer. I love your story so far. Please update soon.

*Stares in wonder at lightpaladin* You don't need anyone's help in making your story better. You are a wonderful writer. Your eye for detail is absolutely beautiful. I love it! This first chapter portrays all the pain that one would feel during a real war between two very different races. This story is very well written and should anyone say otherwise then they are completely stupid and don't have the heart of a true writer.

It amazes me that you are in need of reviews for this work of art!