|Reviews for Breck|
| lleidane chapter 13 . 8/10/2006
yes! another chapter! lol good one, too. maybe it could be a bit longer but it was good anyway. hurry and update!
| Rachel M. T chapter 13 . 8/2/2006
Hey! Tis just me! Sorry its taken me so long for an update on this story! I have kind of disappeared off the face of the earth for awhile, but I'm back now! I have an update on this story, as well as a new chapter on Prophecy of a Hero! Hope you enjoy!
| lleidane chapter 12 . 6/22/2006
finally, a new chapter! lol I love your story, it is so intreging. Please write more soon! this chapter was good and was left at a cliffhanger which builds the suspense so that's good. It will leave the readers guessing and begging for more!I have gotten more chapters up in The Alliance in case you have got some free time...lol
| lleidane chapter 11 . 6/20/2006
Please continue this story! It was one of the first stories I read on this site and I really like it! Thanks again for the review. Oh, yeah, I removed The Alliance and posted it again, following your instuctions on seperating my chapters, I finally got the hang of it. lol
| lleidane chapter 1 . 6/20/2006
i love this story! i find in it everything i look for in a story! please continue it! it's detailed and not alot of stories on here are so that's one thing i really like about it and you don't try to rush into things. great read! By the way, i am new to this site and i just posted the beginning to my story the other day so it would be so great if you R&R it! Thanks
| Carradine chapter 1 . 6/7/2006
Rachel!...Rachel! Oh, there you are.
Thanks for the review.
Sorry to hafta be the “introduction of disconcertment” guy here but if you're going to read something of mine and review it, don't waste your time with description, and especially not with grammar. I have a lot of experience with grammar and because of it have and exercise more control over it in whatever I write than probably 94 percent of people in ever. The tense stuff you mentioned was deliberate, and the '/feet thing is TOTALLY deliberate. I also like overly-involved long sentences a lot, and to omit unnecessary words. That’s “unnecessary” by my definition, mind, making some sentences in some works of mine totally not make sense, or be hard-to-read. Speaking of grammar, you need to use commas more in “Prophecy of a Hero.”
Anyway, if you're going to review anything of mine, review It Happened – and please note, I mentioned “Revenant” in my review of Breck because it expressed what I meant about the period dialogue thing. It Happened is the only current work o’ mine I’ve posted; I've aborted all my other posted story projects. I need to overhaul what, of It Happened, I’ve posted, though, so if you really want to review something of mine that expresses where I am creatively, wait until I post something new. Like my Detective movie screenplay. That’s a movie I finished making in May, so it’s pretty current. If you want me to alert you when I post something new let me know.
Another thing to keep in mind with reviewing my stuff is I've ceased all work on most of it, as I said above. “Revenant” is a particularly good example of that; I write everything I...write longhand first, then copy-edit and type it, then copy-edit it again while posting, at least at this site and , but “Revenant’s” longhand copy ends where the portion I've posted here does, where with most of my stories (“Headache” being a fine, fine example), I have anywhere between 2 and 15 chapters remaining to type, and the time with which to do it. Note that that sentence could be about 4 sentences instead of one. Furthering the explanation stuff, I have like 20 more chapters of “BioHazard: Reclamation,” my only story posted on , remaining to type, but I'm going to bother with that unless I’m really bored because it doesn’t have an ending and is a lot like “Headache,” in the aspect I discuss more below. If I haven't updated something here or there in a few months it means that roughly 70 percent of the time I won't update it again. Everything below “It Happened,” here, I've kept posted strictly for archival purposes, though I'm going to rewrite “Blue Harvest” as a screenplay with a completely different concept, though the "making a zombie movie" thing's still its kind of-synopsis.
Disregard any prolonged period of not gettin' reviews. If there's anything I've learned about this site about it since joining other than “most people suck” and “most people are really, really, really derivative and dishonest about it”/”there’s little difference between this site and ’s content other than file location and honesty” it's that reviews don't really matter. It Happened and the teamwork movie's screenplay, which I may post here sometime, are worlds better than “Headache,” for example, because while “Headache’s” more of an instant-gratification kind of story, it’s also completely seat-of-the-pants, which I’m not good at, if that’s what the story’s whole point is. For another example, “Breck” is probably better than any story on its daily update list, and the three before and after it (and IS better than everything on its list and the two surrounding it), but people who review on this site don't really look around for long.
Hey!...You didn’t answer my influences question! Would you mind doing that next time you contact me?
This URL leads to an explanation of who Christopher Walken is. He is wiki/Christopher_Walken
This URL leads to Final Fantasy VII Snowboawding’s wiki. I have never played that wiki/Final_Fantasy_VII_Snowboarding
What’s with that number at the bottom of chapters thing?
| Carradine chapter 11 . 6/6/2006
Dearest Rachel M. T,
Was there a review of Breck mentioning that "Oh, crap" wasn't period? I remember something like that, but not who wrote it. If my memory's right, don't worry about the Medieval speak thing that person mentioned. It's not your style, and it's impossible anyway.
I disagree with what D.L. Dzioba and Tad Zendol said about the pacing/"flow" in Breck, though Tad Zendol was probably just trying to be PC. To start out indirectly without reason to, I only like slow pacing if it's very good, for example (I can only watch Jackie Brown in one mood), but there's a point at which fast pacing becomes impatient pacing, by which I mean you're in such a rush to get where you want to we, the readers, can't appreciate all the milestones you planned out, and sometimes can't appreciate where you wanted to get. We can't really grasp how important Breck's sword is, for example, because he gets it inside of one chapter, with no mention of it beforehand and fleeting mention of it afterward (as of the current amount of the story you've published here, which's 11 chapters). That sword's jumping upon us readers was probably deliberate, and learning about how important something is after getting/doing it is generally more fun that the other way, but if it is deliberate, it looks like a mistake.
The prophecy thing and everything about Breck's parents feel to sudden, too. It's like you're excited about telling us more about his past and his parents, yet you're much more excited about writing something else and kind of mentally skip over the other stuff.
Unfortunately, because I'm bad at explaining things I can't tell you how to fix this kinda thing. Try watching some Alfred Hitchcock movies, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children (for Kadaj ‘n’ them getting "Mother"), Saving Private Ryan (for Tom Hanks and the other OGs' saving Private Ryan) and Seven Samurai (for their saving the village from the bandits). Most movies are about characters struggling to overcome something, or gain something, like that, but those in particular might communicate what I can't. Then again, you could watch any good movie and learn the same thing.
I'm sorry if this sounds like a thumbs-down kinda review. It's not; I couldn't dislike something that's inspired me the way Breck has (I'm writing another screenplay I'll post here. I'll notify you when I do. When I do, read it. I make a buncha references to Breck in it). I tend to focus on the negative because I almost never feel like telling people what they do right, as your other reviewers have (except for the pacing/flow thing).
You're a damn good writer; You handled your fantasy element damn well, and Breck's plot's much, much better than many other stories like it (though it's unfortunate the story itself isn't as unique as other ideas of yours).
Note to whomever said the period dialogue thing (because, now, I'm convinced I'm right about someone saying that): I know exactly what you mean, but aforementioned impossibility thing aside, it's poetic license, dammit! See my (never-to-be-finished) story “Revenant,” posted here, in which I specifically didn't write period dialogue, FLCL, House of the Dead and Resident Evil Apocalypse. I'm not saying those movies (or FLCL) were right to do so, though I think FLCL was, but my point's that they did.
After you tackle some of your current weak points – pacing/flow, plot twists (for more, see below), world immersion, etc, you'll be great. You hafta take your time.
plot twist thing: we all saw chapter 10 coming in chapter 5, didn't we? It's okay for a reader to know where you're going (in my story BioHazard: Reclamation on , for example, I hope the reader knows where the story's headed), but you have to make the trip to wherever that path leads great enough for its inherent predictability to be okay, like in Cinderella Man (*cough* Shame on you, M. Night Shymalan! *cough*).
By the way, what are some of your main influences? Answer this, or the kitty gets it.
| Tad Zendol chapter 1 . 5/2/2006
I thought that Breck, even though a tiny bit fast paced (which, by the way, I liked a lot), was excellent. Yes, I am another person from the neoboards, so don't trust me if you like, but I, personally, think that this piece of work is a masterpiece. I read it like I read most of the books that are now stacked in piles in my room, ready to be returned to the library. I can't really think about any critique, except that I think that the dialogue could tell a little bit more, and be a little more descriptive.
| Arigo chapter 1 . 4/7/2006
From your neopets board: I really liked it. It was fun. But it went a little fast.
| Arcadia Lynch chapter 1 . 4/7/2006
This is surprisingly good... (I don't hold much stock in Many Neopets writers). I like what you've done so far. It seems to have good flow to me.
| Rachel M. T chapter 1 . 4/7/2006
Ok! So this is the first chapter of this story! What does everybody think? I've already had this one on before, but it got deleted from my account, and I didn't notice until all the rest disappeared too! It was my sister's fault. I would really appreciate any and ALL reviews! Thanks!