|Reviews for Prophecy of a Hero|
| Rachel M. T chapter 16 . 8/6/2007
For those of you confused about where the new chapter is, I've added another chapter between what used to be 4 and 5. There is a new chapter 4! I suggest you check it out!
| iglooey chapter 15 . 7/30/2007
Great story so far. Love your original characters and interesting plot. Keep up the good work. :)
| Carradine chapter 1 . 4/19/2007
You're just totally not gonna correspond with me, aren't you?
| HumanInfiltrator chapter 14 . 2/18/2007
Oh! I love it. When can we have more?
| Robin chapter 1 . 2/15/2007
(Reviewed this story before...but it's obviously revised, so I have to re-review it under a different name)
"But rather than find herself perplexed, she found it a complete bore"
Shouldn't find be finding?
"Do you have a question Elodie?"
Should be: Do you have a question, Elodie?
"her teacher posed"
Don't need this.
"brushed her raven colored hair out of her eyes, and putting her hands on her slender hips"
We don't need to know this. It feels too much like an attempt at masking an information dump. Knock out 'raven-colored' and 'slender' and it'll be cool.
"the pain of knowing she was about to get in trouble sounding in her voice"
Doesn't match up with what she says next. If she's all sad about getting in trouble, she should reflect upon it as such. I'd delete this.
"Her teacher’s jaw dropped. Elodie saw it as an opportunity, and she continued...splattering her face with ink."
I think I said it before, but Elodie is painfully generic. I don't like her as a character at all, and I find her interactions with others really...flat...as well.
"Elodie take this to the Headmaster’s office"
Should be: "Elodie, take this to the Headmaster's office." The comma should be a period, the s in she after it should be capitalized.
"she said monotonously, and getting up, she waddled into the back room"
Make it: "she said monotonously, getting up and waddling into the back room." Better flow that way.
"“This school is so dull,” she thought, “The walls are dull, the floor is dull, the teachers are dull, the students are dull…”"
If the thoughts are italics, there's no need for the extra quotation marks.
"Elodie looked over at him, and immediately understood why the secretary had been so content in looking at him"
She didn't notice what he looked like the first time she "rudely" looked him "head-to-toe?"
"If there were different kinds of heroes, then there wouldn’t be heroes at all!"
That's an awfully close-minded view considering her previous anti-traditional actions, hmm?
"I have given you many warnings, and more than your share of second chances. You will give no more problems to this school"
If you go into another line while a person is still talking, you need a quotation mark at the beginning of the line. So it's like this:
Tulio said, "We find the city of gold, we take the gold
"And THEN go back to Spain."
"“Elodie,” he said softly, “Would you believe me if I told you that you were born to be a hero?”"
| Poor Skeleton chapter 13 . 2/14/2007
Yes yes yes YES. Darius! And an almost-DariusSnog :) Aanndd a new character. very intriguing. probably my favorite lines of the chapter:
“The Prince.” Darius looked blankly at her. “As in the King’s son.”
| Tavi-Rin chapter 12 . 2/7/2007
Ooh, what a fun chapter, Arik getting all romantic on her huh? BUT WHAT ABOUT DARIUS?
The beginning was very good, very human. As for Arik's story, you need some puncutational way to set it apart from the narration, otherwise it all looks the same and you can't tell what is story and what it real. Also the end tended to pick up speed. My guess is you were close to the end and wanted to get it done. Just be sure the voice is even throughout. :)
| Tavi-Rin chapter 11 . 2/4/2007
Thanks so much for updating again! An interesting chapter, went a little too fast I think. Where's Darius? I miss him. ;)
| Rachel M. T chapter 11 . 2/3/2007
Sorry its been so long since an update! I've been VERY busy with school. Hopefully you all will forgive me for taking nearly 6 months.
| AutumnRain16 chapter 2 . 1/11/2007
Sorry its taken so long for me to review again...I still really like this story. It actually does remind of my story as far as characters go, like you said. Anyway, I'm going to try and read more. I liked the dialogue and the chemistry between them. Just the way they interact so far, you know? Looking good so far...
| Cyhyr chapter 10 . 8/29/2006
I am truely loving this story!Just one problem that I noticed. You said that the Flaming Iced Cream was the most wonderful dessert that Elodie had experienced. I would hardly call having a daydream about your father's face melting a nice effect of the dessert. But, I'm just a reader. I just interpreted that job, though!
| Tavi-Rin chapter 10 . 8/29/2006
Hello, me again. I saw you on Neopets just a few days ago. ;) Anyway, we see here that the story is really beginning to unfold, things are finally happening and whatnot. It ends with a cliff-hanger, which is great. And, it may be short, but a lot happens in this chapter. A few mechanical things: some words are repeated too often and too close together, like "Dinner itself was quite boring that night. Elodie was bored..." Find another word there. Oh and, NEVER EVER use exclamation points unless it's in dialouge or thoughts. !It's ugly! Lol. That's all for now.
*eagerly awaits next chapter*
| Zeldia Ignatius chapter 3 . 8/24/2006
I reviewed the first two chapters a while ago. I hope this makes sense. I sort of dont' remember everything that happened.
In the second sentence, you can substitute 'room' for 'it', which will make it flow better.
"non-fragmented, rose petals."You dont' need the comma there.
"A beautiful woman was giving her a mischievous smile from inside the frame."I think this might sound better if it was "A beautiful woman smiled mischeviously from inside the frame.", or something like that.
“Yeah, sure, but that all changed, didn’t it?”This one is really up to you, but the word 'yeah' seems out of place, and to modern here.
At the end, the Jisella character seems a little unrealstic. you might want to, you know, tone her down a bit.
| fantasywriter22 chapter 1 . 8/22/2006
Hello, I would like you to review one of my stories. I liked your story so far, because 1st the girls name is Elodie which is my french name. So that made me read on. I think that if there were any other name I wouldn't have read anyfuther then the first few paragraphes. This is why;
Some senteces are extremely lengthy and exsausting to read. I think if you made some of the longer ones and shortened them it would greatly increase in popularity. Also I feel that you are explaining yourself to much.
And there is something...I don't know what that makes it weird to read.
But its really good. This tops some of the things I've read before and is way better then anything I csn write. I want to write so bad, but it just doesn't come out well. You have a knack for writing. I did like this and I'm glad I read on, because it did get better in the end. If the begining was a little different this could be really really good.
| 524120 chapter 3 . 8/22/2006
First chapter: try to vary your word choice a bit more. you used muttered a few too many times consecutively.
Second chapter: ““I read minds, Elodie, and I must admit, at first yours was hard to penetrate at first.” take out one of the ‘at firsts’. I’m really liking the character of Darius. I wouldn’t mind him sauntering into my school and forcing me to come with him…
Chapter three: You do a really good job of subtly telling the reader of why Elodie went to the school and her family history without making it dull and awkward… it’s strong description/dialogue. You need a break between the last words with her father and the maid waking her up. Wow. Fridella is the /perfect/ name for that lady. What a bitchy lady. This story is sounding like a mix of Harry Potter and Cinderalla. I’m really liking it.