Reviews for Prophecy of a Hero
AutumnRain16 chapter 1 . 8/21/2006
so first, thanks for reviewing my story. I'm going to revise the first chapter. Especially since another reviewer bashed it. Second, I write long reviews too. lol. Third, this story sounds amazing so far. I really like the names Elodie and Darius as well as their personalities. What can I say, I like the rebels and the tomboys...It's a great plot and idea so far. It's very well written - word choice. Maybe you could have added more detail about WHY she's at the finishing school in the first place. When she gets expelled, her reaction kind of seems out of character... but I guess that's what happens when you get expelled. Can't wait to read the rest.
Cyhyr chapter 9 . 8/21/2006
Well, this is interesting. It started a little slow for me at the beginning, but it's going faster now. I really like it. Just one problem I noticed. Some words are wrong throughout the first nine chapters... I think I read once where you must have meant "sat" but you wrote "sad" so, a quick read-through before posting catches most of these problems. But, that's it. I loved in this chapter when Darius threw the knife. And Arik freaked out. That was Job!
Admerao chapter 1 . 8/7/2006
hey i only had time to read the first chapter of your story but wow...its amazing i love the detail you have a truely amazing gift i wouldnt be surprised to see your name on books soon keep it up everything fits together wonderfully i hope to read more from you soon
Strings chapter 1 . 8/6/2006
I think that the main issue with this story is that you've overloaded it with adjectives. It's a case of too much of a good thing. If you use too many adjectives, the story seems more juvenile and the reader is distracted. Also, I think your character is a bit too "perfect"- she needs some flaws- to make the story more believeable, I think you should make your characters more believeable as well...
Tikvah Ariel chapter 2 . 8/5/2006
“hero of out time”

I’m thinking you meant our.

So, your dialogue in this chapter is very good, but I really don’t have much more to say that what I said in my last review. I like how each chapter does seem to further the plot though, and how she isn’t all trusting.
Tikvah Ariel chapter 1 . 8/5/2006
I’ll review this as I go along;

“There, before her lay a napkin,”

The comma placed here just doesn’t seem right. I’d consider changing it to;

“Before her, there laid a napkin”

The first sentence/paragraph as you know should provide a hook. Your first sentence (which also appears to be a bit of a run-on) makes the character sound pretentious, and pretentious characters often have the luck of being card board cut out characters. As for telling and not showing, you don’t need to tell us things like the sigh was sarcastic, we should be able to figure it out. Especially when you use the word sarcastic again a few paragraphs later.

Same thing when you jumble together the character description in the third paragraph, her raven hair, slender hips. At this point, and judging from the summary, I’m really starting to worry about your character becoming a Mary-Sue.

Out of 1,680 words of this chapter, the word Elodie is used 39 times, which may not seem like a significant portion, and it isn’t, but it does seem like a really lot of time to use a single characters name.

“The fat secretary returned to her desk”

I hope the pattern of pretty characters are the cool characters, and ugly and fat characters are the droll annoying ones won’t continue.

“He was the most handsome man she had ever seen, but she wouldn’t let him get to her.”

Unless you’re trying to make your character sound like a shallow over dramatic tween, I’d cut this out.

“The man seemed taken aback by her question, but he quickly got over it.”“Inside, Darius felt a great amount of awe and respect grow for Elodie”

Show don’t tell. I also hope you mean for this man to sound prejudiced and sexist.

Overall, I think that this story has promise but I really couldn’t get into this chapter. The main character just seems so unrealistic, and it seems to hold promise for being really cliché. Sorry, but maybe I’ll like the later chapters better.
iamthe-loris chapter 9 . 8/3/2006
man, did I need a Darius fix. i love him, he's so charming in this story. elodie should take him up on that dinner offer; i know i would. excellent excellent story, i'm so ecstatic that you've updated! keep on with this story, it's fantastic.

honorata
Tavi-Rin chapter 9 . 8/3/2006
Hi again! I've been waiting and waiting for this chapter to come up! It's a very fun chapter indeed. A few spelling errors here and there that a computer would not pick up. For example, 'though' and 'tough.' A very enjoyable read in any case. :)
Rachel M. T chapter 9 . 8/2/2006
Hey its me! Sorry its taken so long for an update on this story! If you haven't read my review on Breck, I have disappeared off the face of the earth for a couple of weeks, but I'm back! Yay! I'll try to update frequently now!
Dain Bramage chapter 3 . 6/21/2006
Poor Elodie, I don't envy her in this chapter. Really good writing, by the way, it sucked me in to the point where I was actually angry at her father...and then I remembered he was a fictional character and calmed down. XD. Ok, I'm gonna read the rest of the chapters now, I really like this story.
Crescendoesque chapter 8 . 6/21/2006
I really like this chapter, but the birthing sounded really fake.

"The other was almost pure white..."

Horses can't be pure white. They can be very light gray.

Does everyone have blue eyes in your story?

"In other circumstances, she may have thought him cute, and even roguishly handsome."

Not cute. "...she may have thought him endearing, and perhaps roguishly handsome."

More grammatical problems. Read it over.
Crescendoesque chapter 7 . 6/21/2006
"“Elodie, shut up!”"

Shut up? 2006-ish again. Even "shut your mouth" would work better.

"There, towering before her in the pink sunrise was the castle."

If you describe both the castle and sunrise more, it might become spell-binding for the reader. This way they might feel like Elodie. They might understand why she needs to stop and stare.

I haven't mentioned this before (but you've done it), '?' is not proper grammar. You need to pick one.

"“Come on in!”"

It again feels 2006-ish. I'd say, "Come in, come in!"

Don't use '!' either. One exclamation point will suffice.

At the interuption scene (when she keeps saying "But-"), she could change that up. Instead of just 'but', you could start saying his name or something.

"Alfred!"

(Alfred line)

"But, Alfred!"

etc.

"When she opened it, she actually screamed."

Not screamed. I'd say "gasped".

Your character entrances and departures are very abrupt.

I like the characterizations.
Crescendoesque chapter 6 . 6/21/2006
"“Just because I can read minds, doesn’t mean that I have to. Its actually considered quite rude to barge into people’s thoughts.” Elodie gave the first true smile she had given for several days."

I find that cliche. Something like, "But I know you'll tell me without that. I wouldn't want to tire us both out..." or something would be better.

The battle scene is really short. I think it should be really prominent because of the genre of story you're writing.

All in all it's a short chapter.

And I think you could add some more about the war, but I'm not sure. I don't know if you're not revealing some information or something.
Crescendoesque chapter 5 . 6/21/2006
We already kind of now what Elodie and Jisella look like. If you were trying to show their situation, think of some other way to do it. Maybe through dialogue:

"My hair is so wet!" Elodie complained. She was sopping wet now and her temper about it was rising.

(Or something to that effect)

Interesting about Fridella. But I sort of don't like the numbers. It's supposed to be shocking, but it's SERIOUSLY unbelieveable. I don't know if you really want that reaction. I'd suggest 4-6.

"“Come in! Before you all catch a cold and die out there!” The girls obliged and crawled into the dry carriage."

You need some dialgue here. Maybe you can have a discussion about if it's a good idea or not. Would you randomly get into a car, just if you were wet? I wouldn't.

"“What were you doing out in the rain? By the looks of it, you two just came from the Fenton wedding, did you not?” They nodded. “Well, assuming that you are the daughter and step-daughter of Sir Fenton, why were you walking in the rain?”"

Just because they're wearing nice clothes does not mean that they HAVE to be coming from that wedding!

"“Daddy,” Elodie whispered, horror-struck. She completely forgot who she was at that moment, her every thought bent on getting inside the house to find her father. She began running forward, but a small and strong arm held her back."

I understand that one will love her father, but her actions in earlier chapters do not exhibit this reaction.

Odd entrance of Darius. Too much trust once again, on both Jisella and Elodie's parts.
Crescendoesque chapter 4 . 6/21/2006
I saw grammatical mistakes...only a few though. Just read it over.

I'm not a fan of using the caps lock key, even for yelling. It's like using too many italics. Someone once told me that using too many italics seems as if you have no faith in your writing. I find the capitals the same way.

The wedding is very, very jumbled. I can follow it, yes, but it doesn't seem clear, just a flurry of action.

Your description of Fridella is odd. Perhaps it was meant to be comical and amusing, but I found it really childish. I don't picture Elodie as a child. Compared to Chapter One, this is really silly. It's not serious.

I do, however, really like the maids comments. They're really humorous. The priest is also funny. I enjoyed his part.

Work on this.
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