|Reviews for Once More With Passion|
| MajesticWriter chapter 1 . 8/27/2008
Okay, sorry about that I flopped the chapters around by accident so please keep that in mind. More errors with the SECOND CHAPTER. Mistakes:
Daniel put away his instrument sorrowfully, a twinge of pain racking his heart as he understood that he would now have to return back to his normal school day. Well, what some people would call normal. Daniel went to the MarrisOak Academy for the Naturaly Artitic or 'the Mona' as some of the students less respectful of the school called it. He would never dream of referring to the only place that brought him some true companionship a nickname as simple and crude as Mona. It was a small strip of release from his Ohio upbringing in a hick town where the weekend attraction was the monster truck rally and not the concert pianist. Thus Daniel, starved for a stage on which to prove his rapidly improving skill, as well as a respite from the football players jeers; convinced his parents to scrape together the money to send him to somewhere better.
On the first paragraph above in the third line you spelled 'Naturaly Artitic' wrong so the correct words for this is 'Naturally Artistic'. Once again in the first paragraph, another mistake. On the seventh line after jeers there should not be a semicolon.
"That's okay, I don't mind, really! Think of it as an learning experience for me. It can be my birthday present. My next two birthday presents!" He said trying his hardest to assure them.
In the third paragraph are mistakes also. The first line 'Think of it as an learning experience'. Well it should not be an 'an' it should be 'a'. Again in the third paragraph 'He said trying'. You really only capitalize the 'he' is you are talking about God. You may have wanted there to be a period before the 'he' but you didn't put one there.
Though the debate continued for a few days after this first discussion, that was the point that Daniel made sure to drive home to his parents. Normalcy, it was something every teenager lusted after and perhaps this was the chance to give their son that gift. At last they agreed, on the condition that he get some sort of scholarship to reduce the price and that he pay for half the tuition through a summer job. Daniel leapt at the offer, praising and thanking his parents profusely. He practiced harder and more passionately than he had ever done before, in preparation for his scholarship rehearsal in front of one of MarrisOak's instructors.
Alright, the sixth paragraph on the last line. The first thing on the last line 'scholarship rehearsal'. Now why did you bother to put a scholarship rehearsal when you could have put 'audition'? I have never heard of such thing as a scholarship rehearsal have you?
The day arrived in which he would have to take the train from Cleveland to New York. Along the hour long drive to the station his mother wept and his father laid out the guidelines of city life. Daniel was rather sheepish. Both of them were acting as though he had already been admitted into the academy when the truth was his stomach was tumbling from many uncertainties. He had never really been away from his parents for this long and he was petrified at not playing well enough to earn a deduction.
Okay, on the seventh paragraph, last line. The word 'deduction' makes no sense in that sentence. Shouldn't that be 'not playing well enough to earn a slot in the class'?
As they drove into the city the Cleveland skyline rose imposingly in front of him. A soupy mist shrouded the tops of the tallest buildings, leaving visitors wondering just how loftily they rose. As their station wagon rolled onward into the metropolis the precisely spaced divisions between one stretch of pavement and the next amused Daniel with their rhythmic thumping. Just like a metronome he thought. An omen or a coincidence? He couldn't decide. He felt much like the great skyscrapers shrouded in fog, his mood was apparent in his excitement and nervousness, but there were also thoughts and emotions that were mysterious and out of place.
Another, on the first line of the eighth paragraph. 'As they drove into the city the Cleveland skyline' correctly there should be a comma after city.
On the ninth paragraph on the forth and fifth paragraph are mistakes as well. You capitalized the 'he' again on the forth line. On the fifth line, 'Now his was staring'. Why is the word his because shouldn't it be he?
He glanced up at the clock. Though he had time to spare he did not look forward to this long wait. The line moved fast enough to make reading a book awkward but avoiding boredom impossible. Seconds turned to minutes and he found him self only 20 or 30 feet from where he began. It was hot in the building and the masses of people around him did nothing to alleviate that fact. A trickle of sweat ran down his forehead, over the bridge of his nose and onto his lips. He instinctively licked the moisture off and regretted it. The taste of sweat filled his tongue and he reached for his bottle of water to wash the taste out of his mouth. Slowly oh so slowly he moved closer to the front of the line. When at last by the clock's estimation he had spent 24 minutes and 44 seconds in line a voice called out 'Next!'
Alright next, the fourteenth paragraph and third line. You didn't combine the word 'himself'.
He looked up. There was no one ahead of him, it was his turn! He happily grabbed his things accidentally tipping his suitcase over before blushingly going up to the counter. A smiling blond women in a navy blue uniform greeted him,
"Have all your stuff under control maestro?"
"Yes." He replied turning a darker shade of red.
"I'll bet you are going to MarrisOak aren't you."
"I am." He replied a little surprised, "How did you know?"
"The instrument case. Its a dead give away, I've probably seen a couple dozen kids come through here just like you these past few days, all wanted a ticket to MarrisOak." She said counting numbers on her fingers.
A couple dozen, Daniel thought anxiously. He didn't think he would have near that many other kids he would have to compete against. His mood sunk considerably though he hid it well.
"And how much will the ticket there be?" He asked already pulling out the money his parents had given him.
"One or two way?"
"Two," He said at first before shaking his head, "no, I mean one." I might as well prepare for the best now, he thought.
"That'll be forty dollars please." Daniel counted out the requested amount of money carefully before handing it to her. That left him with about 4/5's of his money for the remaining time in MarrisOak. He was not especially eager to spend it as it was given to him with the clause that he had to work back every dollar he spent. She handed him his ticket and he stowed it deeply into his coat pocket.
"Good luck!" She called out to him as he walked away.
"Thank you." And these words were not spoken automatically but truthfully from Daniel's heart because good luck was precisely what he needed the most.
Okay last mistakes, I can't go on because it is way to much. 'A smiling blond women' should be spelled 'woman' because she is one person. Once again you used the capital 'he' a few times in this paragraph along with that you also used 'She' which should also be 'she'. 'These past few days all wanted a ticket' well why didn't you add the 'and they' after the days? 'He asked already' should be 'he'. ' "Good luck! She called out' should be 'she'.
You see Microsoft word isn't as good as you think it it. (I can't do grammar either.)
Reminder: this is the second chapter reviews because I messed up.
PS: I greatly apologize for being so late on your reviews. I made a few few mistakes with reviewing myself. One, I forgot the date, two, I went on vacation without reviewing, three, I reviewed the wrong person when I got back to it.
Co-Founder of the Reviewers Kingdom
| MajesticWriter chapter 2 . 8/27/2008
Okay, your story was alright for the most part but if I was you I would stop relaying on the spell checker so much because the spell checkers aren't all correct believe it or not. mistakes:
At last with his tools finely altered to perfection he could finely commence with his unheard performance. He flipped open his book of sheet music and peered at the tempi of the different pieces. Adagio, too slow. Allegro, that was more where he wanted, Andante, no. Presto! Yes, presto would play furiously, allow him to play out his anger, his loneliness, on his violin.
Above there should be a comma after the wanted.
The last mistake, simple. There on the second line of this paragraph should be 'their' because it belongs to metronomes.
He lifted his violin up onto his shoulder and set his left hand on the first note, B sharp on the D string. With his right hand he reached down and picked up his bow, his fingers already unconsciously finding their way into playing position. He had no cello, viola, or bass to hold time for him and he spurned metronomes for there mechanical inelegance. The natural motion of his foot would have to do. It tapped rapidly on the ground and he breathed out deep. His hand thrust downward, his bow followed, and he lost himself in the ebb and flow of the music.
Co-Founder of the Reviewers Kingdom
| Banana Nut Muffin chapter 17 . 8/10/2008
So...I loved it. kind of a quirky little chapter but I like that it revealed a lot about the atmosphere of the school and Marris' personality-that man is one scary bastard. I bet he's a hoot if you get on his good side though. I really liked Jason, and I like even more than Jason got what was coming to him. I know a kid almost exactly like him (he's still a little bitter over the fact I got a 95% in grade nine science over his 93%) and people with egos like that just have to be put in their place, even if they are just characters in a story. I also like that you show the honest-to-god truth about what happens to a person when they cheat, no sugar coating. However, I think the blackballing, however possible it may be, did seem like going just a little too far.
ps. if the audition doesn't happen in the next chapter my brain just might explode in anticipation
| Erin Bear chapter 1 . 6/16/2008
I'm interested to see how the rest of the story turns out. Everything is very detailed (sorry, but borderline cheesy), but I found it a little unrealistic that he was able to sight read the piece perfectly and that he had to be perfectly in tune or else be shamed by his peers and teachers. Not everyone is perfect all the time.
As other reviewers have mentioned, I don't know how much violin experience you have, but some things weren't necessarily wrong, though kind of strange. The B sharp on the D string, for instance. Unless he was in a key with many sharps, the B sharp would normally be written as a C. Also, he would be playing in a higher position (sorry, I don't know which position, since I play cello, not violin), which is kind of weird to start a song in. If all these things were intentional, than that's fine. If you didn't know, I just wanted to point them out.
| KatedeVries chapter 1 . 6/16/2008
great. amazing. i love it. this is very well written, i love the detail, how you can feel the story. its awesome. one question, B sharp on the D string? is he in position, because he would have to be to play that...just struck my curiosity. keep it up!
| Pione chapter 1 . 6/16/2008
Nice. This is well-written. :)
| Banana Nut Muffin chapter 16 . 2/12/2008
yay! another one!
so I don't think that I can actually dislike anything about this story, but this chapter was so obviously a filler. while it did reveal something about the school and its academic standard, it wasn't really interesting enough to be a chapter on its own, it's pretty short compared to the rest of your chapters too.
I can't wait for the next one!
| Cass Boothe chapter 9 . 1/9/2008
You have four groups following four teachers, but the headmaster only splits them into three.
I love your style of description.
| Banana Nut Muffin chapter 15 . 1/9/2008
You're not dead! yay! I can most definately forgive for taking forever to post this because I definately haven't posted in five months, hell I haven't even written that much in five months and I don't have the college application excuse you do.
I appreciate the crazy hallway artwork in this chapter. You should see the main lobby of my school, it has equally weird works of art in it. My favorite is piece of pipe.
Wow, Daniel's roomate, an asshole. Daniel should punch him, or chew him out anyway, he doesn't seem like the punching type. You established the fact that Damien has more power than Daniel fairly quickly. In fact Daniel was just plowed over,(not surprising considering his personality)is this "dominance" Damien has over Daniel going to be a bit of a theme in this story? maybe it has something to do with Daniel gaining confidence over the course of the story.
I'm very intrigued by this abacus guy, the idea that he'll never know the answer to the equation. But maybe somethings are better off not completely understood. I don't know if it's at all important to the story, but it made me ponder it for a few seconds.
ooh a test. Entrance exams? or maybe it's just a information packet, either way I'm excited to find out.
So overall another awesome chapter, and I can't wait for the next one, even if it takes another couple months. Thanks so much for the review of Once More, I hope to get more out soon, it's almost the end of the semester so I'll have more time hopefully.
| Dreamxon chapter 14 . 8/2/2007
Ooh.. little romance going on be tween Katie and Danny. I like ). Keep up the good work, and I can't wait to read more!
| Dreamxon chapter 13 . 8/2/2007
I'm glad that Danny's interview went really well. The headmaster suddenly doesn't seem like such a jerk. He did ask him some pretty weird questions though.
| Dreamxon chapter 12 . 8/2/2007
I hope that his interview will go well. I'm sure that it will, though. It certainly weird about how the guy knew his name as soon as he walked in to the interview.
| Dreamxon chapter 10 . 7/31/2007
Am I the only one who finds it weird that Laura and Daniel think the exact same things, just in different ways?
| Dreamxon chapter 9 . 7/31/2007
MarrisOak sounds like it's in such a pretty town, but I'm definitely wrong with it being in Manhattan. The headmaster sounds like such a dick /.
| Dreamxon chapter 8 . 7/31/2007
So they're finally at MarrisOak, huh? I can't wait to see what's going to happen next. I feel sorry for James, I would definitely hate it if my dad made me read a book as boring as that.