First chapter was kinda not really ploty are explaining what the story is about. Other then that good job. Oh and memo a 'knight in training' is a squire.

Maybe...what you should separete some sentence from that big block of words, but other than that I'd say this is a intriguing (sp?) story you have here, till next time.

waterhealer

I thoroughly enjoyed your story but you need a lot of work as Swimmergirl said. You need to clarify what you mean when you write a paragraph. You need to elaborate and add a sense of meaning.

Just make a few adjustments with your grammar & spelling, strengthen the plot and characters, and your all set for an awesome story!

Simply,SG

your plot is a bit shaky, so are your characters, but you could have a good story here, you just need to really work on it.

simply,sg

when does it take place? also kind of short. add more soon.

Wow - talk about a friendly letter! Hehe, nothing like short, sweet, and to the point. 'By the way, I'm going to kill you all. Mwa-ha-ha...'

Just as a suggestion... be careful with homophones. They're everywhere you look and feel and breathe and run and jump and eat and sleep and... ::ahem:: Pardon the rambling. "Presents" "presence", and so-forth...

I like your chapter set-up - switching back and forth between storylines is a nice touch. And I like this King Glim guy, I think. (Though I'd like him better if he didn't curse..) Hehe!

That's all, folks. Keep it up!

-

Hehehe... I still definitely love the dialogue. You're a very funny guy.

Just some little things to keep an eye on: "Him and Twin Blades somewhat wrestled"... Him ought to be "He." And watch out for mixing tenses - it seems to be mostly in past tense, so...

But those are just minor details. No problemo. Besides, you definitely score some hardcore points by using "whilst." I love that word.

Hahaha - looks like trouble for Thamior! What has he gotten himself (and, not to mention, Twin Blades!) into? This shall be interesting...:-) Carry on!

-

I haeb to say Quiet Man that is a great piece. But I'll have to go Simon Cowell on you so forgive me. For this piece I would work on describing each person's attitude and the environment to a larger extent. You don't describe where they are or where there standing and I'm sure you can think of a witty or comical description of their whereabouts and scenery. Also descirbe each characters movements because I'm sure that the characters Jade and Thamior are surely moving during the piece other than their arms. I'm also concerend that in order for you to pull this piece and others off as a book one day you will have to write many little excerpts like this. I like to think of this as being a journal or something of the sort you could date it like one and that would solve all the short "chapters" you would have.

Now that the negatives are out of the way lets go for the positives! You have great ideas, humor, and charisma built into this piece, you just have to learn to show a better description of the scenery. Anyway the powers are how should I say it Awesomele well rounded. Is it the Kingdom of Heaven the family rules or did you add that to add to Vadania's beauty...? Also later on describe what each of the quadruplets is interested in as a potential career and their personalities in more depth. I find Renn very humorous as well.

DUDE. May I shake your hand? I LOVE "The Quiet Man"! That is seriously one of my all-time favorites!

DUDE...

Ahem. Sorry. Noticed that bit in your profile, and... I had to say something.

About the story.. I can tell you've got a ton of ideas in your mind, ready and waiting to come out. Hehe... The dialogue between Jade and Thamior was pretty funny.

One thing you might want to watch, though, is the long, descriptive paragraphs. Sometimes, they can be slightly confusing... Maybe, rather than putting them all together, you could give each character his own paragraph. That ought to help with the confusion factor - especially with so many characters!

The descriptions, themselves, were hilarious. I enjoyed the bit about Renn, "who had a temper problem and threatened her husband with knives numerous times." That cracked me up!

I'm guessing that all the powers are going to be significant... I'm interested to see how they all come together! (Cade: "His power is that he can... blow up things." Hehehe...)

This is gonna be a great story to read, I can tell! Have fun writing it, and I'm sure I'll have fun reading it! God bless!

-