Reviews for The Mansion
Dale Christopher chapter 21 . 7/8/2006
Finally ,the Dazeman returns to the Mansion!

This chapter really stood out, far more than the others. I think you put it best with the line:

'a gritty statue to add to hallways,a photographwere the rest of us are all paintings.'

Whoever Toby is, he dosen't fit into this mansion typically, yet he seemed to know the place, to be able to come and go as he 'dirty kisses' phrase made me think of infedeilty(sp?) and the way the whole peice is written makes me think the bride has known this Toby before. This chapter caught my eye.

Peace, Daze
Gilee7 chapter 22 . 7/7/2006
[I could write symphonies about the way he holds his cigarette] I've never even taken a puff of anything in my life, and don't ever plan to; I find cigarettes to be disgusting; I hate when people smoke around me, and I find it a major turn-off when a girl smokes. But, for some reason, even though I'm really against smoking, there's also an aura of coolness about it, if it's done in the right way. Girls always appear trashy when they smoke, and most guys just look like posers, but when a certain person does it, like my guitar idol Slash, smoking suddenly appears COOL. I remember you giving your opinion on smokers in your review for Git-R-Done, though I can't remember exactly what you said. (BTW, that story now has the privelege of being called my first published story; I know you were always a fan of it, though I never quite agreed with you (still don't, really, though I don't hate the story like I used to.))

[vertical shaft] This is a very phallic image, which fits in well with the poem (refer to my previous review where I bragged about your ability to create related images in effortless succession).

[the taste of ash and rust] For some odd reason, a lot of the poetry I've been reading lately contains the word "rust." It always fits, though, and always sounds fresh and unique. It's a cool word, a cool image.

[he moves on top of me like Eros] Another recurring image in your poetry: the allusion to mythology.

[I write poems early in the morning / when the rest of the world rests on stolen / comforts.] I don't know if this is an auto-biographical statement or just the narrator's statement, but you do strike me as a night-writer. Personally, I don't know what I am. I think I write best during the day, but with my sleeping patterns, I often only write at night. I need noise when I write, though. At night, eveything's too quiet, and I can't turn on my stereo or anything too loud because my parents are asleep.

[Wait, to fold the sunlight into my arms firmly / before the burn makes me cower] Love that part.

[I sleep most of the day.] I do, too. And this kinda alludes to the previous vampire imagery that took place in some of the earlier chapters, though I doubt that was on purpose.

[when he calls its more like a moanreverberating; more like a death cry / I obey.] Very cool ending. And this definitely doesn't seem like an auto-biographical statement, since you seem very self-reliant; you'd never be a man's servant- he'd be yours instead.

Excellent chapter. Great imagery, great moody atmosphere, great everything. Once again, it's a very heavy poem, though not quite as heavy as the previous one. This poem really could be an ending to the series. I doubt it is, though; I certainly hope it isn't. The whole series is excellent.

Write on.
Gilee7 chapter 21 . 7/7/2006
[Toby in the mansion is beautiful / though he hasn’t bathed in days] Inexperienced poets (and all writers in general) sometimes manage to create some very striking, and beautiful, images and figurative language; the only problem is, that imagery doesn't usually fit with the overall piece. You, however, have a knack for setting up an image and feel and sticking with it throughout an entire poem. This whole poem feels dirty; nearly every stanza feels like it hasn't had a bath in ages. It can be hard to create a theme with your analogies and stuff, but you make it seem very easy.

[the wrinkled chest of his Pearl Jam t-shirt / tattered at the sleeve] I like this look; I used to dress like this a lot, but instead of Pearl Jam shirts I was wearing Guns N Roses shirts and Led Zeppelin shirts. I still wear a lot of band shirts, but not as often as I used to; and I no longer cut out the sleeves since I'm now self-conscience of my arms (too bony, not enough muscle).

[expecting the way he looks at me to cover / the otherwise darker thoughts passing through him] You do a good job of painting a dirty outer-appearance, but you also do an excellent job of showing the dirtiness inside of us as well.

[He empties his dirty kisses into my mouth anyway; / his tongue thick with the taste of milk / from the breast of his long dead mother.] This is the most striking, shocking imagery of the piece. Very disgusting, very dirty, very nasty, but extremely effective. My favorite stanza.

[a gritty statue to add to hallways, / a photograph / were the rest of us are all paintings.] "were" doesn't make sense here. I believe it's a mistake.

[like art, / the imperfections / make it a masterpiece.] I like the message of this last stanza. It's very true.

Another great addition. I've been up and down with these poems, even though I've liked them all. A few of them just don't seem like they belong in the mansion. These last couple have fit in perfectly, though.
Gilee7 chapter 20 . 7/7/2006
[I was fare warned of his quick hands; / deep in the avalanches of my pockets] I like the word play with "fare" in place of "fair." The "avalanches" line that follows is an example of great figurative language.

[God is the healer, the wise. (the killer in disguise)] Great rhyme, great line. In fact, I love this whole stanza. It's possibly my favorite of the piece.

[Sweaty palms on my forehead where once the ash was scratched. / Throw me into the water to cure me until I drown, let me / rise, resurrected - the womanly shape of Jesus come back / to kiss this preacher with the sharpest teeth of scorn.] I believe this is the most powerful, well-written stanza. Excellent imagery.

I'm glad to see this series updated. I really didn't feel that it was over; the last chapter just didn't seem like a true ending.

This poem has Faithless-Juliet written all over it. The familiar subject matter, the religious imagery, the first-person voice, all of it is here, as well as the stream-of-conscienceness style I mentioned in my other review. This poem flows so smoothly, but it reads in a way that makes it feel as if you wrote this in one long string of genuis, without a break, which is how the majority of your poetry reads. You experiment with lots of different styles, but this is the style that fits you best, and it's the style that I think of when I think of your writing.

I agree with the reviewer who said this poem is kinda scary. Though nearly every poem (if not all of them) in this series has been about a serious subject, this is definitely one of the darker pieces. The whole is very ominous, like a dark cloud or something. And I loved it. Great poem.
simpleplan13 chapter 22 . 7/4/2006
I like this a lot.. the cigarette thing is great & the ending is awesome... great job
elasticbobaturtle chapter 21 . 7/3/2006
Mm, this is so delicately crafted. Beautiful word choice and deadly word plays. :)
simpleplan13 chapter 21 . 7/3/2006
i like this.. the ending is especially awesome
Ashes.to.Acid chapter 22 . 6/28/2006
This was beautiful in a very simplistic, but poetic manor. I like your style. Keep up the great writing!
Biting My Nails chapter 1 . 6/28/2006
I love the way you write bold, powerful and yet full of mysterious AND understanding. You can do both so well.
Dale Christopher chapter 20 . 6/27/2006
There is a huge difference between this chapter and the pervious ones, and that is this chapter was scarier. Religion I see sometimes as a joke, something to make fun of, but this shows the other side of religion, the zealot. Something about the Bible, the whole story, seems supernatural though I don't even beleive in it. Its a book that can actually change someone (for the better or worse) and effect lives in a way nothing else on Earth can.

This chapter remindes me of that. The concept of something bigger and better than us, the perfect being, seems ludicrous really, when the world is the way it is. The best line in this chapter was 'God is the healer, the wise. (the killer in disguise)'purely for the sheer weight of those words. This chapter showed not only a dark part of the Mansion, but also scary. And there is of course a big difference between dark and scary.

Truly amazing chapter, and I don't think I have to express my delight that the Mansion is still growing.

Peace, Daze
Dale Christopher chapter 19 . 6/21/2006
Tell me this isn't the end.

I know I say this often, but this chapter was so powerful! It seemed a lot more graphic than the others, and when I say the line

'When they got you to shore part of your face was gone, they couldn’t perform CPR because your mouth was full of teeth'

took my breath away, I'm not talking in metaphore. I actually stopped reading for a moment, gave myself a moment, and continued. I don't think any line in any poem has ever effected me as much as that line did, and I can say that with honesty. The rest of the poem seemed so unfair, the image of this girl wasting away, then having to get up and face life (High school life, for that matter, is far more difficult than life in general) was heartbreaking. In contrast to the beginning of the poem, with the girls young and curious (loved the vampire refrence, btw) really struck me as being not only sad, but true. I wish we could all stay children forever sometimes.

The last line of the poem was perfect. 'We were hungry girls once. Do you remember?' So simple. I love the way you wrap up poems.

This is a perfect ending, Juliet. But I'm not ready to leave the Mansion, so if you have any words left, please post them. This was the inspration for my Castle on the Clouds series. It was my inspration for a lot of things.

Once more, with feeling,

Peace.
Dale Christopher chapter 18 . 6/21/2006
This is actually the second time I've read this chapter. I'm glad I read it twice because I think I may have rushed it the first time, I didn't take the time to look deeper. And there are unwritten words (or pictures) here. This reminded me of some of the earlier chapters, with the refrences of gold, and the interaction between the wife and husband mirrored earlier chapters. This was a dark chapter, and the line 'when that man put a gun in my fathers face' (I won't post the entire line, because it takes up space) was so haunting that it seemed real. There are so many images in my mind that came from this Mansion that its almost like a movie I watched when I was a child and I'm just beginning to remember it and understand it more now that I'm older. Finally, the list line of the poem

'God was a father who didn’t hurt (at the time) and you were a boy who couldn’t.'

was one of my favorite lines from the entire series. It had a profound impact when I read that. Fantastic chapter, once again, Juliet. Only one more to go, tell me it isn't so!

Peace, Daze
Gilee7 chapter 19 . 6/17/2006
And so I've finally reached the end . . . though I don't think this is the end for real; I have a feeling there's more to come.

I really like the early vampire stuff. It returns to the familiar imagery of some of the earlier chapters. That's why this series seems so connected. It's not because of any real storyline or anything, which is what I was orginally hoping for. Rather, it's just a series of poems that share the same themes and imagery. They're all related, but not in a husband-wife kind of way or a mother-father way. Rather, they're related in a third-cousin kind of way.

[platinum like a Marilyn look-a-like.] If you mean Marilyn Monroe, then add the "Monroe."

[They warned us about drunks in cars / but not drunks in boats.] Clever, though very sad.

[When they got you to shore part of your face was gone] -cringes-

[and the three months of sleep that awaited you / while stranger girls left you flowers and cried / in the knife-like air conditioning of your hospital / room, but left with giggles and their usual summer / flirtations.] I found this stanza very sad, yet very true. It reminds me a lot of that Ambulance poem you recently posted. It tells a lot about human nature.

[In those months, the thighs you hated turned to / palsy chicken legs - learning to rewalk on them / was like watching stilts wobble.] Great analogy.

[But you woke up on the first day of school - / that internal clock of a teenagers injustice / still set on snooze, but we all have to wake / up sometime.] I found this stanza very cute, actually. It made me laugh.

[Me, saying ‘hi’ not knowing what other words / to try] I know that awkward feeling.

This is an excellent chapter. It was more of a story, really. The imagery was great; I could totally picture everything. And you used such perfect words and figurative language that it really helped to strenghten the visualization of things.

This definitely doesn't seem like a closure to the series, though. So I'm guessing you aren't truly done with this.
Gilee7 chapter 18 . 6/17/2006
[speaking in a sign language of words.] There's been a lot of talk of language in this series. It makes the poems seem very exotic (and kind of erotic, too).

[the one mapping your / patchoulis erection] His what?

[between the gold] There's been a lot of gold in this series, too. It's been a long time since I've read some of the first poems in this series, and I can't remember in what context the gold appeared. I just remember a lot of gold imagery. As to what it symbolized, I wasn't sure. Here a theory suddenly dawned on me: could the gold symbolize their marriage? As in the gold wedding rings?

[Pipolata underneath] Talk about typing words on a computer screen that you don't know.

[when that man put a gun in my fathers face,] *father's*

[praying (as I always was,) and] A comma isn't necessary, but if you feel you must put a comma then it should come after the parenthesis.

Another great poem, though if I were to list each chapter by greatness, this one would probably fall somewhere in the middle.
Gilee7 chapter 17 . 6/17/2006
[[(I moan silently)] O ...

[bark ridden women.] There should be a hypen between "bark ridden" . .. I think.

[and typed words / onto a computer screen that I didn't / understand.] I know in past reviews I've bitched anytime you would include something "modern" in this series. I would always say it didn't fit. Maybe I've just gotten used to it, or maybe I've just given up, but this computer part didn't stand out to me. It actually seemed to fit.

[through me, find the spiteful thoughts I am / spitting (silently.)] You pointed out one of these as an error in your last review, but it wasn't. I think you misunderstood me in the past or something. Punctuation doesn't ALWAYS go outside the parenthesis. In this case, it does, so this is wrong. If the parenthesized (is that a word?) section is a part of the sentence, then the period should be OUTSIDE of the parenthesis or else it's like there was never a end to the REAL sentence. But if the parenthesized part is its own sentence, then yeah, the period should be INSIDE the parenthesis. It sounds confusing, I know.

I really like the ending of this. It's clever.

This is a good poem. It seems weak in comparison to the chapter I just read, but pretty much everything would look weak when stacked beside that genuis work of art.
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