Reviews for The Mansion
Gilee7 chapter 16 . 6/17/2006
Whenever I was reviewing your last several chapters, I came across this one and I was taken aback by its length and format. I was like "what? what is this?" I was expecting a single poem. And so I decided I'd come back to it later. That was like ... two weeks ago or something.

[There is a ring on my finger that twists like a noose from knuckle to bone and then back again] I really like this sentence.

I love that Childhood poem. It's perfect in it nostaligia; it reads like a succession of snapshots.

[‘I want you to come to the light of Jesus, your savior, your lover, your father, your mother, your friend, your oppressor, your lovable racist bullshit mother fucker cock sucking slut of a man!’] . . . Whoa.

Part 8: Ministry of Sundays is by far my favorite part so far. Very powerful. Very creative and witty, also.

[I can turn purity on and off like a light switch] Another very interesting sentence. I know a lot of people who seem to have that lightswitch.

Okay, part eleven might've just knocked part eight off of the pedestal. This is another very powerful section. Or maybe I just like seeing such vulgarity. I was a little taken aback at first because I thought we were still in the girl's perspective (I didn't pay attention to that little part in parenthesis).

Okay, this piece is absolutely fantastic. It's mindblowing (perhaps a bit too strong a word, but it's the first word that came to mind). It seems chaotic, and it kinda is, actually, but that's what I love about it. I don't even know how to describe this. Is it prose? Is it poetry? I think the best term would be: art. This is definitely art, more so than anything else I've ever read by you. It reads like a ten-minute epic song or something. It's fresh. It's experimental. It's excellent. I absolutey love it! By far the best chapter of this series, hands down.
Dale Christopher chapter 17 . 6/14/2006
There was something about this chapter that made it sound very different than the previous chapters. Those were soft (though harsh), and when I read them I read slowly, the voice in my head was quite. But this chapter, to me at least, had some kind of confidence to it. I read it quickly, and the voice in my head was a little louder, stronger. I don't know if you wrote this chapter differently or if I just read it that way, but I really, truly liked it. The ending, as always, was amazing.

Peace, Daze

P.S. Thank you for all you reviews, once again they are very helpful and always appericated. Oh, and I love Buffy, obviously. From its birth til its end.
S. K. Doyle chapter 1 . 6/13/2006
Full of meaning and subtle feeling, perfect phraseology-"over my eyes,in between my thighs"-clear, just the right amount of rhyme and balance of complex and simple ideas and words.
simpleplan13 chapter 19 . 6/10/2006
until i read the title i was confused about what this had to do with the mansion.. I think this is my favorite piece.. its so raw and sad and beautiful and wonderfully written
simpleplan13 chapter 18 . 6/10/2006
powerful.. i love the stanza about youth
simpleplan13 chapter 17 . 6/6/2006
that ending was interesting.. I like the see through the smile part and the beginning a lot.. wel done
Gilee7 chapter 15 . 6/5/2006
[In the well lit girls bathroom beneath] I think "well lit" should have a hyphen between it. And "girls" needs an apostrophe.

[A cluster of rebelling outcast girls / standing in the glow, and one boy who / really liked her, but came in as a bystander / and didn’t let it show.] Very interesting little scene you've set up here.

[We were all by the mirrors waiting when she pulled / her shirt up; tiny breasts (braless) exposed with two / sparkling dumbbells drilled through each nipple.] Pierced nipples ... ouch. For some odd reason I think it's cooler when guys do it than girls. I would never do it just because I'm too afraid of pain and I think it'd hurt like hell. But guys look kinda cool with pierced nipples. Girls, on the other hand, seem too ... sacrilegious when they do. We guys don't really need our nipples; there's no sexual arousal there. But nipples are precious on girls and to see them vandalized by a piercing just breaks my little heart. :(

[and the boy is smiling at the end / of the row of us girls. I feel like I just watched him lose / his virginity, or something.] I bet. There's a whole different feeling in seeing a REAL naked girl and seeing one on a computer or television screen.

[After she leaves - / Tina: I can’t believe she did that. / Heather-Babe: She did it because she wanted to. / Amanda: Her boobs are bigger then I thought they were.] I like the actual dialogue; I found it very humorous. But I hate the play-like format. We don't need their names; it just takes away from the actual things they say. It's distracting. Just give us the three lines of dialogue, leave them in italics, and put some quotation marks around them. I think that'd work much better.

Once again, this is a really good poem. I enjoyed it a lot. It's simpler than most of the poems in this series; no heavy metaphors or anything like that. The scene presented here is very cute and entertaining.

However, I have no idea how this fits into the series. I was seeing an actual plot, a story line, just a few poems back; and suddenly that's been thrown out the window with these last few poems. I don't know. It's confusing. The Mansion and its inhabitants have been forgotten.
Gilee7 chapter 14 . 6/5/2006
[This must be hell then, if she is here. / The childlike widow-woman in a yellow / toga the color of sunlight, standing / with her eyes downcast near the lemon trees.] Wow, yellow toga, sunlight, lemon trees . . . that's a lot of yellow.

[When I get close enough I can see the shape of Hades / in her eyes; her hand flies to my cheek fast and the / slap echoes through my bones] Very cool lines.

[(a bell, like church / in hell.)] And very nice rhyme.

[What you see in me, is multiply in you.] Um, "mutiplied," perhaps?

[I must be changing; noon twirls to midnight / and then back again, fast. The sun wields its / sword hungrily, the burn tickling the hairs / on my forearm. This must be Apollo’s kiss / on me -] Great stanza.

[screaming for me to stop dancing in the rain / in a Rite-Aid parking lot] I remember talking about this in a previous review. Seeing "Rite-Aid parking lot" just totally kills the feel of this poem for me. It reveals that this is a modern poem in a modern time, which doesn't really mesh with all the mansion talk, which always reads like an old fairy-tale or something.

[Governesses shape shifting from one god to another - / if you are Goddess] How come "Goddess" gets to be capitalized but "god" doesn't? That seems sexist.

[Sun stained sandals] *Sun-stained*

[Show me the truth, I know you know it. / I know you grew up with it; took a husband / destined for it; skipped like a child along / the flame raged rocks of hell just to look upon it.] Great rhythmic stanza.

[If this is hell, little one then you already know.] Need a comma after "one." And I think this line is a little awkward sounding; the words could be rearranged.

This is a good poem. I like all the talk of Hell for some reason. I found it interesting (there goes that word again). But once again, this poem doesn't even really appear that it belongs in this series. It seems more like a stand alone piece. This poem and the last one have been very good poems, but they just don't seem to fit in with the overall series.
Dale Christopher chapter 16 . 6/5/2006
I liked reading this because it seemed almost like clips from someones entire life. Kinda like reading a personal journal, and seeing things you shouldn't see. This just felt very personal, and in effect became quite powerful. And I felt that every time I read it (three times), and it had some pretty damn important lines to add to the poem as a series.

'There is a ring on my finger that twists like a noose from knuckle to bone and then back again' Is a good exapmple. Its a very bold statement with obvious symbolism, and its probably the line that a lot of people can relate too, weather its a marrage they suddenly feel trapped in, or even a relationship that seems to have played itself out and you can't find a way out. At least thats how I see it.

NINE: Child was also a part with a lot of meaning and imagery, and something about it reminded me of one of those things with all the wooden horses that kids ride on... I can't think of the name right now (very annoying, its right on the tip of my tongue). I'm not sure what that has to do with a review of this poem, it just felt important.

'If wanting means loving, then I love her - if fucking means having then I took her' was brutal and, I don't know, shocking? I liked it though.

TWELVE- Untitled was a pure pleasure to read. Thats all I have say on that.

The last part, THIRTEEN- Wish was a good way to end it. It sounded like a lot of the past chapters in this series. And the last line 'Just a written wish' for some reason reminded me of my own haikus. Something about it just seemed... final. And sad, which I think my stuff has an abundance of, sadly enough.

Well, work has caught up with me so I'll wrap this up. Good chapter. I liked it. Again, it read kinda like a journal or something, or maybe like written photos of someones mind. If that makes sense. Sorry this review is so late, work is hectic and its becomming harder and harder to get on my computer at home. Still, I'm a regual at this mansion.

Peace, Daze
Gilee7 chapter 13 . 6/5/2006
[He holds her tight, / arms folded across her back like a declaration.] Cool simile.

[The clock ticks in shivering motions / and they stay like this. / Frozen, it seems like statues / until she kisses him on the cheek / (the hard sound of lips on skin) we all know it, / we all feel it with them.] Great stanza, very well-written. Great word choices, too; you paint a very vivid picture and add just the right amount of all the other senses.

[Before we know it she is running; left his arms / like a doe -] Another great simile.

[she is so small and meek we have to stretch our eyes / just to see her] And yet another excellent line.

[‘Is she ok?’ I hear someone ask. / His head is down: ‘yeah.’] I love this. You let his posture tell us the way his voice sounds. We can totally hear it without you telling us HOW to hear it.

By itself, this is an excellent poem. The figurative language really stood out; I thought your analogies were all very poetic and creative, no re-hashes whatsoever. The imagery is excellent, as well. And even the pace fits perfectly with what's happening. Some of the other poems tend to drag a bit toward the end; there was certainly no dragging here.

But as a part of the series, this poem confused me. Just when I thought I knew what was going on and what was going to happen, I'm now left scratching my head. Who is this guy and girl? When I first started reading, I thought the guy was the husband and the girl was the person he was cheating with-the girl was one of those whores that have been mentioned before. However, when there was no big backlash, I was like, hmm . . . evidently these two aren't who I think they are. Unless the guy IS the husband and the girl is the wife, and we just have a new speaker ... which is too abrupt a change at this point in the series; and I don't really think that's the case, anyway.

Ignoring my confusion, this is a great poem.

Write on.
Gilee7 chapter 12 . 6/5/2006
[My husband sits in the corner: / ‘wife,’ he says ‘grow your hips out / like tree trunks, I want to count the rings on you.’] This is one of the most . . . I can't find the word I'm looking for, but I'm basically wanting to say that it's one of the most attention-grabbing stanzas I've ever read, though that doesn't even say a tenth of what I think about this stanza. The second line, where the husband tells his wife to grow her hips out, really slapped me in the face. I was like whoa, how awesome is that. But then I read the next line, about the tree trunk so he count the rings on her, and I pretty much hit the floor. All I can say is . . . wow.

[awestruck at the black rain that falls - / the sky is the color of bat wings,] Awesome lines. You paint a very gothic atmosphere, which is something that mansions are usually viewed as. You see mansions in horror films a lot; usually they have some dark past that can be traced through centuries; and usually a family of ghosts inhabit the mansion. The poems in this series have been off and on with that type of feeling and atmosphere, but it's always very cool, and it stands out a lot in this particular poem, as well as the vampire one.

[‘How many whores does it take to satisfy a husband / with one wife?’] Hopefully none, but I like the way things are starting to turn.

[The wineglass is empty. The drug inhaled. / Question asked.] This kinda reminded me of my own writing. I sometimes go through spells where I'll write these short, blunt sentences. They're very cinematic feeling.

[ I’ve taken / to sleeping fetal with my knees at my chest] This line sorta suggests what I was talking about in the previous review, about the orchard belly and the meaning behind it. Fetal . . . fetus . . . was I right?

[I wait for him to put his arm around me so I can / fall asleep.] Great closing.

This poem is starting to feel like a true series again. At times I feel like I'm reading a real story, and at times I feel like I'm just reading a collection of poems that happen to be similar. I'm starting to see an actual story unfold now. And I like it.
Gilee7 chapter 11 . 6/5/2006
[from the scars that his lips leave roses grow / from every pore] At first this line seemed very awkward, but now that I've read it before, it seems perfectly fine. It's very weird line.

[We steal flirtation (diminutive sentences)] I like that.

[Black / wholes burning red luminosity like smoky candle wicks.] Ah, the ever recurring candle imagery.

[and when no one is looking I twirl in circles like a / music box figurine] Cute analogy.

[When he finds me after the sun has set he cups his / hand over my breast] Just one?

[my belly becomes an orchard, mossy and warm,] This is by far the best line of the poem. It's very striking, very thought-provoking. I'm not sure if it's just a really cool metaphor, or if it's supposed to be symbolic (which I'm guessing it is). As to what it symbolizes, though, I'm not completely sure. I'm thinking pregnancy; maybe a little baby is growing inside the belly. That would make sense, since there's been a lot of sex talk and these two are husband and wife; maybe it's time to start a family. I don't know, though; I may be mistaken. The line really reminds me of Eve and the Garden of Eden, which might've been intentional, as you've made numerous references to those two in various poems as of late.

It's been too long since I've read the first several poems to say that this is my least favorite one, but it's definitely one of my least favorites. I didn't enjoy it as much as I did most of the others. The belly line pretty much saved the poem.
Gilee7 chapter 10 . 6/5/2006
It's been a couple weeks or so since I've read the previous nine chapters. When I think about this series I just see random images of sex and God/Jesus/religious stuff and candle light and weeds and gold and stones (not so sure about that one, maybe it's just my way of seeing the mansion).

Here's how much of an ass I am: I have to point out an error in the title of the chapter. At the drop-down menu, there's no "mansion."

And speaking of the title, this is definitely the most interesting, eye-grabbing title of the entire series.

[Amour, amour they whore themselves. / I have no strength in my limbs left to fight it / (liquid tendrils) and you hold me up to pose like a / scarecrow - like Jesus Christ as he died.] Very interesting first stanza. I like the repitition of "amour, amour" throughout the poem; it always added a cool little french flavor ("amour" IS french, right?). The "liquid tentrils" is a perfect metaphor for the weak arms; cool image, as well. The scarecrow part is especially intriguing, though. Just by itself it's a great analogy, but then you do a simile of that simile by comparing the scarecrow to Jesus, which is definitely a very bold, controversial thing to do. How about we change your name to Fearless Juliet?

[The symbolism isn’t lost on me] I love your one-liners. They're always so witty and powerful; and they always appear at just the right moment.

[and even while I sleep I hear the slipping of white chemises; / ballet slippers that leave tiny patterns of blood stains] Great, haunting imagery. Very ... Ann Rice-ish.

[and the heroin passes like a tongue and cheek orgy. / Tongue and teeth, they bit down (soft at first) but / harder after a while, like all things.] At first I wasn't sure if you meant heroine or heroin. This is a great sexual stanza. I love the "tongue and cheek orgy" part, as well as the sexual suggestiveness of "(soft at first) but harder after a while." I think "bit" could be "bite," though. It seems a better fit.

[They appear like mirages in the desert; tiptoeing and / from the parapet I watch them all jump into the arms / of moonlight.] I love the "mirage in the desert" part. This poem has some of the most striking, haunting imagery of any of the preceding poems. Everything seems so dream-like.

[free of their trance-hold. They mold. They scold like] Nice little rhyming session.

[Amour, amour, we adore you, we abhor you.] Nice line.

[are all dried up to hollowly last drips and layer upon layer of] Seems like an error here. I think "hollowly" should be "hollow."

[Sugar free / addiction, they spit fat out like a poison but I like a little meat / on my bones.] Bizarre lines; very interesting (I think I use that word a lot when reviewing your poetry; and yet I almost never use it with any other author).

[Amour, amour how we all whore ourselves (in one fashion, or / another.)] And nice closing, as usual.

The first several stanzas of this poem were astounding. I think I was commenting on each one as I went along, but then, as you see, my comments started to die off. After the first few stanzas, the poem seems to falter and even out. Though every stanza is very good, the last several stanzas don't live up to the first few.

But nevertheless, this was an excellent poem and an excellent addition to the series. Of all the poems, I think this is the one that will stick in my mind the most clearly, just because of the striking, unforgettable imagery.
Thesunflowerinyourhairrr chapter 1 . 6/4/2006
. it up.-mir.
abandoned and forgotten chapter 19 . 5/30/2006
Your poems are really good, especially ones similar to this. I have more experience in story making myself, though I have begun to take an interest in poetry. My critique may not be the best, but it is what it is. My first piece of advice to you is to proofread your work. I didn't see much wrong with your spelling, or the flow of your words, really. I did, however, see several minor typos that could easily be fixed with a mere backspace, delete, or quick grammar check. My second is for spice. As in; spice up your work. It's fine the way it is, but it isn't something I'd want to spend forty dollars to read in book for entertainment. No one is Shakespeare but for Shakespeare himself, of course, but improving certain areas with every work of poetry helps the future. What I'm proposing is this: use uncommon metaphors and similes. The ones you use are fine - by that's it. Not quite extravagant, not close to perfect (no one's work ever is), better than just plain, but still a little too common. All in all, I really do like your poetry. It flows, it has rhythm, and write about really good things. I especially liked 'Seduced by the faith of the Mansion,' (by the way - title capitalization errors here), even if it wasn't part of your eight original pieces. I love the imagery on just about all stanzas of every piece, especially at the very beginning and the end. The middle seemed okay, but to me it sort lost flavor. Really, really good job and keept up the good work!Raven
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