"When they are gone, the bow plucks a thin reed and chews on it." - could that possibly be...

"When they are gone, the boy plucks a thin reed and chews on it."

lol.

nice chapter! it kind of draws you in with the last line. "But once..." nice!

~lu

This has got to be the lamest thing I've ever read. It reminds me of my seven-year-old cousin's writing, but at least he's got imagination. The opening bits of this suck-ass story just sucked everything away - I couldn't take it seriously anymore after reading the little poem thing at the beginning, and the summary just wanted to make me kill myself. "The world is going to end! Oh no! What are we ever going to do!"

"Flesh-eating mermaid". Heh, that sequence of words made me giggle.

A lot of things are starting to come together and I suspect that a lot more of importance will occur before the (imminent?) final chapter.

Two radically different worlds finally intersect as Seja boards the spaceship and ends up meeting our other protagonist, Jenes. The interaction between the Holdlings and the crew of the Galaxia is particularly interesting to read.

Finally, I like the subtle humor that's injected into the dialogue and the narrative, like that bit of wordplay you pointed out to me. Even with all the drama and seriousness of the situation, I was able to chuckle a few times through the chapter, which is refreshing.

Yay! Battle! That was really cool, even though, I guess it wasn't supposed to be uplifting, but still, I wish I could ride my own unicorn.

The story's really coming together, and I can't wait to find out what happens next. As usual, amazing!

Jeez, I had a lot to catch up on... these four chapters were a sitsa to read in one sitting...

Basically, I can't really think of anything to say... I pretty much loved it all, and I can't say that I found anything at all wrong with your writing, except for a lot of typos, though I'm sure those are unavoidable with chapters as long as yours. The characters are developing into ones I can relate to (except for Jenes, I don't really like her that much) and the plot, with this newly added rebellion, as well as the pregancy, is pretty interesting.

All in all, these last chapters were fantastic, and though it took a long time to read, I really enjoyed them.

Though the first sentence of this chapter is a little awkward, I really love the opening in general, how we start with the ice waters and the plants floating at the top, then follow as the seeds come off the plants, travel through the current, then "massed in a white soup" where Viaca is runs her hands through it as she's fishing. Those first few paragraphs are just such a nice way draw the reader in and let them slowly sink into the chapter. The only halting part of those few first paragraphs is that first sentence. When you add that part "one wondered" and then go on about "they", it's not completely clear that the "they" is referring to the "black waters" (which is what I *think* you mean) and not "one"-am I making any sense? I think I would either take out the "one wondered part" and simply say "[. . .] were so cold that they had not yet realized that they were in warmer lands [. . .]" OR if you really want to leave the "one" in there, you could change it to, "[. . .] one wondered if those waters had yet realized [. . .]"

Lot's of stuff happening in this chapter, and I think you have a good hold on the pace of your story-when you start off with a world that is not the world your readers are living in, there's obviously a lot of history and back story that need explaining, and I think you've done a really great job at not letting your plot be slowed down by that.

One thing that I think you could embellish on a bit is when Seja is trying to find his way into Hold, and he sees this hole in the wall that he's contemplating how to get to. He sees some "natural" foot holds that he thinks he'll be able to scale-you even to on to list some of the natural things that have created these footholds, however, it seems to me a bit UNnatural to miraculously have these footholds in such a way that they're positioned right near the hole, but not directly UNDER it. At first, I thought the scenario seemed a little staged by you, because you, the writer, needed some way to get Seja in, so presto, let's write in some footholds; it was a little unbelievable. But THEN, as I read further, with the placing of the stones that are just the right hieght and role into place, and the spear that suddenly appears, I come to understand that the placing of those footholds probably IS unnatural-perhaps some kind of higher intervention (other than the writer). What I would suggest is merely a simple comment, even on Seja's part, of the convenient placing of the footing. I think it would help to embellish this mysterious ambience you've set, and make the reader believe that this setting was not contrived by the writer, but perhaps contrived by some higher power within the story.

One last thing that I noticed is that there are two times you mention Seja's hidden gun, and in those two times you used the word "secreted". I really loved the use of the word the first time, when when you use it again, it sounds redundant. It's okay to use dull words like "hidden" every now and again, because it makes it so much more powerful when you use words like "secreted."

I've really got nothing more to say except, as always, really great job. I love your characters, I love your settings, I love this world (these worlds) that you've created, and I can't WAIT to read more! (Even if I don't always review in a timely fashion) ;)

Back to work in full force, I see. Glad to hear/read it. It's a shame we don't all have that work ethic. _

Whee, story connections. And what better way to do it than an alcohol-induced dream sequence? And Jenes is left with a cliffhangar as we return to our starstruck lovers.

Who have apparently progressed way farther than that single awkward kiss. Congratulations, I'm now fully interested in that side of the story. It took a while for it to gather steam, but now it looks like its going somewhere with Seja infiltrating the Hold and beginning to lead the oppressed masses. And he gets a cool cat.

There's still the matter with Unicorn-lady and that Council from four chapters back, but I'm beginning to see how things are falling into place.

Seven chapters in, and things are finally starting to pick up. Waiting for more.

I suppose this is the part where I eat my words . . .

In this chapter you have committed an equal and utterly impressive amount of detail and history and imagery to each setting that is presented here; futuristic earth, Arak, and Aracia all leaping off the page with lush decriptions and finally linking the different aspects of the story that you've been jumping back and forth between. Masterfully done-I really don't have much to say about it besides that. In the previous chapter with Jenes, I had a hard time placing the kind of world and time period it was set in, and I love how you recalled a lot of the history of earth and the different time periods that have passed between the world that we know now and this future setting you've created.

One of my favorite phrases that you've written in this is, "Sure as sulfur in hell and only modestly less unpleasant . . ." I love the fresh, casual, witty tone of this story, although, I do think there is one or two moments where you push the casual envelope a little too far. The example I noticed was Jenes's comments on the Arakian funeral: "Jenes would have assumed that whoever it was was dead, and she was watching their funeral, except that she was on Arak. And on Arak, funerals just didn’t happen. Unless, of course, this was a funeral. In which case it was happening." It seems to me to be, not only a little redundant, but even a bit awkward. Reading further, I understood what you meant, because the Arakians are immortal and so wouldn't need funerals, but I think it would work without the last sentence "Unless, of course, [. . .]".

In any case, I'm more hooked than ever, and I'll be going on to the next chapter very soon ;)

That was cool... and weird.

Well, you finally merged the Hold's world with Jenes', which I regard as a good thing. It was cool to find out the background of the Hold, as well. I enjoyed how you tied things together while still creating new loose ends. I also liked the history you gave of the futuristic earth, as well as mythological references that popped up every once in a while (like the use of unicorn horns as medicine).

There were a lot of typos throughout the first half of the chapter, though.

Good work, and I will return... eventually.

This is a great story. If it's not finished, you should really keep going. And, you also never gave any closure to the people on and connected to the Galaxia. Whatever happened to them?

O... I really like it. The imagery is beautiful.

D Maranwe Telrunya

As I'm submitting this review, I realize it's been a while since your last update-being a writer myself, I am very understanding that a month without an update doesn't mean one won't be coming-but I certaintly hope an update will happen eventually, because good lord! this story is just so damn good! It just keeps getting better and better.

I LOVE your characters. The interplay between Seja and Viaca in this chapter is just so sweet, it made me smile. What makes it so great is the quality of reality that you keep constant-the awkwardness, the nervousness. It's just so damn cute.

As always, I am in love with your descriptions and attention to detail. The one thing I did seem to notice is that you've really committed a lot of detail to this world that Seja lives in, with the unicorns in it, but other settings-namely I noticed it in chapter 5-don't seem to have the same kind of detail to really make them come alive. Chapter 5 I actually had a hard time, not only picturing, but getting through, as well. You introduced a new setting with a lot of new people and events in that chapter, but as a reader, I found it very confusing. Now maybe I'm not supposed to have a clue what chapter 5 was all about yet, obviously you know where you're going with all of this, and I don't-but I'm actually passing on some advice that was given to me for one of my stories, and that's that you need to keep in mind that you have a definite idea in your mind of this world you've created, but your reader doesn't. Sometimes you just gotta throw them a bone, you know?

Anywho, you're awesome, what else can I say? I really hope there's more to come! My reviews may come late, but I'll keep coming back if you write more ;)

Sorry it's taken so long to review...

Anyways, this was a cool chapter. It was a lot longer than all the others, which I generally regard as a good thing. Also, it seemed to read almost like a professional work of scifi/fantasy... it just seemed kind of florid but not exceedingly so, forming a good balance. Each chapter of this seems a little better than the one before it.

Also, thanks for the pronunciation guide, though I thought I was doing okay... all the names are essentially Spanish.

I can't say I found any errors besides trivial, nitpicky things, which is for the most part good.

As usual, I liked how mythology played a part in the chapter, such as the Dihnin and the appearance of the unicorn again.

The whole romantic twist thing was kind of interesting, however cheesy (love at first sight plots are kind of hackneyed...).

Nevertheless, keep writing. *Ooh! I used the word 'nevertheless'! That makes me cool!* And I'll keep reading, even though I may or may not read it a month after you post it, like I did this time...

I must admit I think your description of kissing is a little more romantic than mine. I like the long set up for the Prision boy and Upper class girl. It was crazy romantic. It moved me.

UPDATE SOON PLEASE!

no rush or anything... but its getting really good... :) Happy Writing

Oh and the part with the Fantasy world porn magazines was trippy at least to me... but I like trippy.

Earth exists in your story which has really peaked my intrest. I want to know what year it is there. Its obviously the future. You have semelessy managed to mix my two favorite generes, Sci Fi and Fantasy. Well done. No complaints. I really Really like Jenes. She is a hot lil knocked on the door.

“Who the hell is it now?” she asked in a pleasant tone.

That was classic.

Keep up the good work