Reviews for Desert Dryad
Lhynnith chapter 4 . 6/30/2006
Ooh, I did miss this chapter! Glad you've poked me ;D Very nice - lots of villainous development and suchlike. Ace is a nasty, nasty piece of work! *tips ten-gallon hat* And the chollas are creepy beyond all reason. Especially the eyes. Br.

Hmm, constructiveness ... not a lot really jumped at me. The appearance of the dragons (although yayish - yay! XD) seemed a leetle bit opportune ... maybe a bit of foreshadowing, like scaly hints in previous chapters, or seeing things before the Cholla!Attack? Do love the dragons, incidentally ...

The only other thing I can think of would be Bethany's comment at the end there. Sunbonnets? It's pretty flippant for a daughter who's just seen her mum shot and is leaving aforementioned mum behind (with a brother who did nothing to help -her-, incidentally). I'd expect her to be a bit more anxious and angry than off-cuff. Then again, that is Me, and we've already established all the little foibles being Me entails O;D

Wunnerful chapter! Shame on you for not adding six more while I was gone! ;P
Shanra chapter 4 . 5/25/2006
an improvement on the wagon {- I honestly don't think that's the right preposition to use. Doesn't sound completely wrong either, but still odd. I'd suggest a second opinion might be better, though.

"You'll see." He winked, and then finally left by the courtyard door. {- that man's absolutely lovely, he is. Though I'd probably have tried smacking him with , speaking of men, could be that my memory is deserting me since it's been rather long since I read the rest, but if not, it might be an idea to describe what they're wearing a little if you can find a good reason/niche for , I've, well, no clue beyond vague memories of Western movies. -;;

and washcloth headed outside for the well. {- who's doing the heading here? 'cause it isn't Bethany. - It just needs an 'and' before the verb.

content at the moment {- Now, personally, I find that extremely awkward placing for a time. Those generally come last in the sentence, especially since 'to' goes with 'content' so closely. If that makes a lot of sense. Kind of like saying 'He looked at in the distance the speck of dust', except that yours is more is something you do quite often, though. Er, not in this specific context but in general. So I'll just point it out when it *really* grates my senses, because it's just your way of writing and sometimes (like 'seeing again in her mind's eye the cholla shifting') it sounds really nice. -

peices {- pieces, me should think.

"How about I don't," {- no matter what type it is, a question takes a question mark. No exceptions.

staring the deadliest creature in the desert in the face {- Something about that feels off. It could just be me. Very easily so, but all the same. Those have to be pretty small dragons to sit on Bethany's shoulder. And still the deadliest? Sounds like you're basing them a little off scorpions, but I really lack the description and the feel here. They're all neat little sentences being told, but what they're saying isn't being shown. Horrid thing that saying, and annoyingly true.

*cackles* I do love that last line, I do. That's such a brilliant sense of her personality. It's lovely.

Despite the gripe with the battle, I did really enjoy this chapter. (I have to ask, though, why didn't the cholla dryads let themselves be talked out of killing her in the first place?)

I do like the complications of this, though. You're taking chances with your characters. Love it when writers aren't afraid to hurt them. -

'Tis a good chapter. I like the chemistry between Beth and Ace (deny it she might, but they're great to read about) as well. - Well-done!
Shanra chapter 3 . 5/11/2006
Quail seemed {- that's the third quail in three consecutive sentences. I'm sorry, I really am, but repetition can really throw me out of a good story. And sometimes I'm just not bothered by it at all. Problem with repetition is that when it doesn't work, it really doesn't work.

That's a possibility to, you know." {- Now take a moment and think about what you've done here. -

"Most people don't really connect politics with killing priests and associating with evil dryads, Jericho." {- I said it before, I'll say it again and probably will several dozen times more, but I love that girl's spirit. I love how she manages to be both hard and city-spoiled-like at the same time.

I especially love the way her relationship with Jericho is explored here and how his relationship towards people is portrayed. It's hard to forget that other people don't have the same gifts as you do, especially when it's a gift like Jericho's. It's great to see a gift/power/sibling relationship that's so well-balanced and thought out.

Everything is getting more and more intruiging by the sentence. You might have guessed that at first I was a little apprehensive about the time period you picked (for various reasons), but you're suceeding brilliantly at making me feel comfortable in it. You have magnificent turn-of-phrases in here, brilliant characters and dynamics, and a story that's developing wonderfully.

Gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous story. Looking forward to when you finish the next chapter(s)!
Shanra chapter 2 . 5/11/2006
Yay! I'm back. -

until Beth's pa {- This would imply that he's not Jericho's dad, and he is. It *might* have worked in a third person limited narrative, but even then it'd be iffy, simply because the Jericho referred to is also bloodrelated to the father. If I'm still making sense. -;

the transept of the church. {- I know you probably added 'of the church' for people like me who need to know that, but I found it repetitious. It's the third time you've used the word in the sentence. If you could rephrase it somehow, it'd flow much easier for description all in all, though. You've a wonderful knack for creating absolutely gorgeous landscape pictures in the space of a few sentences. It's wonderful.

the group moved on, {- seems a bit impersonal for a family, but this is probably just a case of preference.

however, exotic cacti resplendently {- Could you not consider moving 'however' to the beginning of the sentence? As it stands, I had to reread it to pick out that what follows it wasn't intended to be a standalone sentence with a wrong conjugation. -;

at the Saguaro {- why is this capped? -; I don't recall you having done it in the previous chapter beyond that one 'ma' word.

whoever "it" was {- single quotation marks. Since you're using doubles for dialogue, that's what you're signalling (falsely) to the reader here. You use one set for dialogue and one set for the rest, but never one for all of it.

I’m tired, I’m thirsty, my head hurts, and I was just very nearly attacked by a walking cactus {- *grins* Bethany is lovely really. This whole chapter is. The way you've set up this world is wonderful and the amount of detail in it is astounding. Dare I ask how much research time you put into writing this?

I love your idea of combining all these ideas and eras, and I'm very much intruiged by the world-building you've sketched out and the story line that's unfolding here.

so simply maintained her steady gaze {- I know this is becoming increasingly common practice to drop out the subject in a structure like this, but finite clauses *need* an overt subject. Least they did last I checked, and that's not present here. -;

Oh! Ace is simply wonderful. Not sure he's the type of person I'd like knowing, but he's certainly a very interesting and intruiging character. His interaction with Bethany was great too. Wonderful close to the chapter.

Great job! *hops onto the next chapter*
Shanra chapter 1 . 5/7/2006
Obligatory first-comment note: Nits first, general comments later. I also tend to nit as much as I can.

though the mountains on the south {- repetition of mountains there, which is a bit distracting. I admit that I'm not fond of the opening style you used, but you're using it marvellously. It's very beautifully described and sets the scene and atmosphere , despite not knowing much about American history (me being Dutch and all that), I don't feel lost. You COULD look into inserting a little bit more information regarding the period, but it's not absolutely necessary. It works very nicely the way it stands now, even with the limited knowledge I have.

his eyes began to glitter with his gift. {- Oh, I love the explanation afterwards. Worked in really, really nicely. -

two days time." {- I always thought that needed a possessive. It doesn't? Wonderful to find a story with so little to nit at, though.

She tugged it away. {- tug seems a bit odd a word choice here. I do see what you mean to say, but I still had to read it several times to connect the words. Probably just not used to the word in this context, but you could always consider it. -

To me, this scene doesn't compare to the rest of your writing, though. Bethany doesn't sound cross(angry/upset) at all and there seems to be no reason (other than author intervention) for Ebenezer to be drawn in at the end. For me, it just doesn't work the way it stands.

and leaped to the next plant {- plant, plant. I'm terrible for repetition. I know I'm nitpicky about it, but it tends to throw me out of the story I'm reading completely.

to the initial place {- place, place. Same story as above.

said Jericho with a grin. {- this could be me, but I find it highly distracting if you go about switching between 'said he' and 'he said'. Not sure you can switch between them, even. Always seems to be either one or the other.

at each other {- might want to rephrase that to get rid of the 'each other' hononym-ish thing that had me reading this several times before I understood.

she realized that it noticed her {- 'it noticed her' repetition. It's not as jerking as the other instances, but rephrasing it should still make it run smoother. Also 's a bit of a run-on sentence with a lot of 'and's that don't seem to fit the story, isn't it? For me, this doesn't work because you're keeping a slightly more detached narration. The idea of panic that I imagine it's supposed to evoke isn't there, because the connection to the character is too weak to carry descriptions though, and a lovely way to wet the reader's appetite. -

she just wanted the wagon {- you've used 'the wagon' thrice in that paragraph (and twice as 'of the wagon'). Told you I was horrid with repetition. -

Bethany lifted it to her lips {- might benefit from specifying that it's a cup again. It'd clear up what 'it' refers to. Grammatically, Lydia's tone is what Beth's lifting to her lips. And that makes no sense whatsoever.

Thanks, Ma. {- first time you've capped 'ma' (or 'pa'). Can't switch between that. Either it's with caps or it isn't.

as she began to
Sahuarita chapter 1 . 5/6/2006
Well, that's all there is so far, unfortunately. It's a work in progress. Keep checking back for updates, though, I'm working on it pretty consistently. Hopefully I'll have it done by the end of the summer.

Thanks for reading and reviewing. :) Glad you like it.
Megabyte chapter 3 . 5/6/2006
Wow, this is really good :D. I'd really like to see the rest of it! (B

Bluebird