|Reviews for Unfinished|
| Anti-Christ's Angel chapter 1 . 7/23/2009
Finally characters with personality! Yes! As for the main plot, pretty basic so far, but I've only read the first chapter. Great descriptions of the weapons and clothes. The action was gripping with just the right amount of gore. I was expecting atrocious grammar after the continous misuse of the homophone 'there', but the actual story did not contain any obvious errors, accept for the use of 'then' instead of 'than' in the first paragraph.
'considering them any less then part of her gear would be insulting.'
'Than' is used for comparisions.
Now, rant time.
Moral objection: The characters fire at the creature before it does anything to them, just because it's ugly. Gr! This is actually an objection I have with many shallow fantasy stories. Unless a monster has indicated that's about to harm you, shooting it is gratuitous, because a creature is ugly and scary looking doesn't mean it deserves to die, especially in such a brutal way.,
Perhaps I'm being a hypocrite here. After all, both of my main characters in 'Eternity's Curse' make unprovoked strikes. But I do not try to portray them as heroes for it. When heroes act violently and suffer no ill consequences I get a little ticked off. Maybe I'm just too much of a pacifist, who knows.
Suggestion: First of all, describe the monster. All you told us about it was that it was the size of a cow, had fleash and a spinal cord and looked ugly. Within the realm of fantasy, there are many things that description could apply to. You don't have to name the creature if you want to keep it mysterious, but at least tell us how many limbs it had, so we get a picture of its basic body plan and how it might move to attack the characters.
Secondly, have the monster threaten the characters first, before they throw the daggers at it. They could prepare their weapons and then fire them after the creature attempts to strike. Just a suggestion though.
I'll review the other chapters as I get around to reading them. Thanks for the feedback you gave me! I'll do my best to return the favour.
| Sam chapter 1 . 4/15/2009
Hahaha. Thanks Kolostramin. I am moved that you think our story is good (on some parts) New chapters will be up soon!
| Kolostramin chapter 27 . 9/30/2008
I looked over this chapter. I noticed at least a dozen grammatical errors, mostly homonyms-strait and straight, to and too, break and brake...frankly, noting these made me lose interest very early. As most reviewers have noted, some of these chapters are pretty good and others are simply boring. This one hits right on the spot with boring. My advice is take it down, proofread it, and put it back up. It's not worth much attention right now.
I hope the next chapter will be different.
| Kolostramin chapter 26 . 1/30/2008
Punctuation needs work. Speech needs to be distinct in separate paragraphs. These are simple corrections to make. In twenty-six chapters you have not corrected them. I would recommend that you do so. Frankly, it would make the story much more appealing. Other than that I have nothing useful to say.
| Kolostramin chapter 25 . 4/23/2007
At first I thought "hinny" was another typo but I took a moment and looked it up. Now I've learned something I didn't know before. Odd, I never considered there might be a difference between hinnies and mules.
So it seems they'll gain another traveling companion, at least for awhile.
Ai ai, I must say Aurora has some power to bring someone back from the "dead". Though I doubt Sam was entirely dead...
Perhaps you should consider separated the flashbacks from the present-day story somehow. Just a suggestion, but it would add clarity.
And so it appears for the moment that I've come to the end of the story. I'll be waiting for Sam's next update and you can probably expect another horrendously huge review-por dios, I think I've written about five pages of review total!
I want to know how the story will continue. But for now, farewell.
| Kolostramin chapter 24 . 4/23/2007
I believe that the "Sam" chapters feature moderately better spelling than the others.
No, that's coddling. The writer of "Sam" definitely has better spelling.
And we finally receive some character backstory-on Sam no less. So she and Aurora were first enemies. I didn't expect that. But then, I really didn't expect backstory like this at all..
Okay, considering Sam's obvious strength, she should have made mincemeat out of Aurora. But then, she was weaker then.
I think this is the best chapter I've read so far. It FEELS.
...A fridge? Is this another deadly future object?
Oh, I hope not (whimpers).
| Kolostramin chapter 23 . 4/23/2007
Ack! How fast did you write this chapter! Runons and more runons! I suggest you look over it again and put in the many needed periods to separate each sentence-otherwise, it's just one long thought stream.
Now I get to bring up another "generally" topic. Generally, when a person speaks, you begin a new paragraph to differentiate them from the person who spoke before them. Like in the first paragraph-until you're finished reading the sentence you don't know if Aurora said the second sentence (Elena's) was spoken by Elena or Aurora, whereas if you'd stuck Elena's speech at the beginning of a new paragraph there would be space to distinguish one from the other.
There were two rocks originally. Aurora only destroyed one. Where'd the other go? Again, the middle of this paragraph is a massive runon sentence which is very confusing. Properly punctuated it would read "She quickly read the spell and luckily, it was simple. She pulled it apart, not paying attention to where the rock was in the air. It came down one last time and smashed a cart." That's ONE way of putting it-not the only way, just one.
I'm surprised they don't have an angry mob after them after what Sam "seemed" to do.
In the same paragraph, after Aurora rids them of the rock, Sam "replies" from beside her. A person only "replies" after they've been spoken to and Sam was the last one to speak-so "replies" doesn't fit the bill there. "said Sam from beside her" would work better in my opinion.
When Aurora's speaking about magic the first sentence is another runon.
The paragraph that begins with "I'm sure that you know" in dialogue is another runon, a three-part one.
The paragraph after that is another one.
The man's next sentence after Aurora's response is another large runon, as his his next response after her's (second paragraph from the end).
Last paragraph: "I have to run some errands to (be prepared, not prepaid) to leave."
The last sentence is another runon.
I think you must have written these last few quickly-else you really hate spelling.
| Kolostramin chapter 22 . 4/23/2007
Ai ai, I see a possible family connection brewing with this strange "magician" picture.
What rocks is Sam referring to? I find no reference to rocks...or did they pop up about ten chapters ago and I forgot about them?
Sam's line, "Gather together gat here true..." does she really mean GAT or is this a typo?
And lastly, two of the boulders "appear" from the mist? Just appear? Don't "burst forth" or "shoot out of" or anything say, more dramatic? (Of course, I like drama, my opinion).
That's all for now.
| Kolostramin chapter 21 . 4/23/2007
This chapter is in dire need of punctuation. I can't count how many commas or periods were missing. An example is the second sentence in paragraph three. I believe this is the first time I've encountered a four-part runon sentence. Properly punctuated it would sound like, "The other world had been so empty and loud. It didn't help that Sam hadn't disliked it as well; Sam was that way. She could do well under almost any situation and get along with almost anyone."
I thought she left town trying to track Sam, but she ended up going to to blow holes in the forest? I would not trust this elf-being around me with magic considering what she does when she THINKS she's practicing.
And yes, Elena is the bride-to-be. That was sort of obvious about four chapters back.
"Academy" not "academe" at least in English. Another massive runon sentence occurs in the next sentence. Punctuated it reads, "'Oh shit!' she heard herself say. She (threw) a sound/shield spell to silence the resulting explosion and contain it without thinking. Luckily, it was pure reaction and nothing went wrong with that part." Whew.
Generally, when a writer intends to convey hesitation it goes something like this: "Umm...that, well...you see-" and so on, with ellipses (...) dashes, and commas to convey trailing words and pauses between words.
"Anyway" is usually one word. In the "It surprised Aurora..." sentence a semicolon would function after the "Aurora" to bridge the two words. Or a simple period if you don't want them connected. (Yeah, I'm getting really technical).
Again, "idea" not "ideal".
Lastly, I don't get the connection you draw between it being a nice sunny calm day and Sam's having stopped moving. Yes, both happened at the same time, but is there a reason for Aurora to wonder about Sam's cessation of movement due to the weather? (If you don't understand this last one, ask me, I admit it's complex.)
| Kolostramin chapter 20 . 4/23/2007
In response to your comment...well, you have to admit these chapters are a little on the short side. I'm used to reading novels with 18-20 page chapters and reading any less than a few chapters of this at a stretch is kind of, well, dissatisfying (yes, I think that's a word).
Oh, yes, by god, smash that television! Bane of existence! Tyrant of the eyes!...
Okay, I'm done.
The dragon "rose" its head sleepily isn't quite right. I think it would "lift" its head. Or else it "raised" its head.
The dragon gave a little "snort". I hope you didn't really mean "snot" though technically dragon flames ARE snot...never mind, off the subject.
Yes, how in the hell does Sam carry that many daggers!
For your information, in this world, as it's somewhat medieval, I'm not certain they would necessarily separate between "long dagger" and "short sword". The only things I have seen which necessarily differentiate "short swords" and "daggers" are the D&D rules governing damage dealt. Otherwise, short swords and long daggers are pretty much the same. In other words, walking along a street, the average person would see what you call a "long dagger" and say, "Nice sword!"
My opinion, of course; I have my own ideas as to what fantasy worlds look like. Feel free to completely ignore this last passage.
And again, it's "sword" not "sward."
Dastard boy! Why didn't she beat him over the head when she had the chance?
| Kolostramin chapter 19 . 4/23/2007
Does this story actually have a definite plot, or are you both just coming up with ideas at random? Because during the last few chapters it very much looks like that. No, it's obvious you are. Anyway.
"Strait" should be "straight". A strait is an oceanic phenomenon normally dealing with a swift current between two close coastlines.
In the same line, "even" is unecessary in my opinion-remove it and the sentence has the same impact.
Wait, Aurora "yanked" the boy up, faking "softness"? While it gets the point across, yanking someone is not usually a gentle gesture.
Three moments? Do you mean three minutes? Because technically, a moment is not a measure of time.
(How did you make that degree sign? I've never been able to make degree signs with my keyboards...)
("Huh," Aurora said(,) opening her eyes to see-what? Though later passages say they are again in the inn, it's never directly described.)
Is Aurora going to beat him over the head with that post? Pretty please? He SO deserves it.
| Kolostramin chapter 18 . 4/23/2007
This is very peculiar future world you've come up with. And here I was thinking illusions couldn't kill...hmm. Interesting idea.
Yeah. The boy is an idiot. He just witnessed Sam's power and he's calling her a weakling? Oh well.
Such an odd kind of music...might it be a siren? Why would a cop be making music? And it's strapped ON him? I really have to read the next chapter now...how bizarre.
As for grammatical notations for the past few chapters, I think you should just look over them carefully. There are a few obvious mistakes which don't involve spelling-like the "O" which is capitalized in "Do" in the last part of this chapter.
| Kolostramin chapter 17 . 4/23/2007
I'll tell you one thing; action scenes don't work nearly as well when you have to stop and figure out what one of the words means. There's more criteria for correct spelling.
Obviously, your magic system doesn't have a "world web" theory. Aurora has the magic inside her, I suspect.
So they've run into a circus. Or something of the like. In the modern day, apparently.
Though I do have problems with them simply accepting this sudden change-Sam has been totally apeshit before in much less stressful situations than this. They just got catapulted into another WORLD. It struck me as odd she wouldn't go a littler berserk.
I wonder what part of Los Angeles this takes place in...you don't usually find this sort of circus in America anymore...
| Kolostramin chapter 16 . 4/22/2007
Well, this seemed just a little familiar to me-sort of like a reverse of my Saga stories.
The TV made them do it! I KNEW those were evil machines! I knew it I knew it! (calms down). Okay, maybe not.
And Aurora said it "wasn't dangerous." Hah.
Sam "tapped" Aurora, not "taped".
Unless this is an alternate timeline the city name is "Los Angeles".
Sam resisted the urge...and then cried out anyway. Apparently she didn't resist very well.
The second to last line is confusing; did Sam say that, or was it Aurora? And was she reading the shop name...or something else?
Yes, things are definitely getting interesting-and no doubt will become even crazier. I'll read more tomorrow.
| Kolostramin chapter 15 . 4/22/2007
A little plot developement here, I see, though since this a pretty random tale I have no idea where it might go.
Okay, personally I think Aurora is lying her ass off to Elena. After all, only a few days ago she and Sam fled from a dragon who, if she'd not been "routed" would have very much liked to crunch their bones. "It's not dangerous, really?" I can't believe that.
And why exactly does Aurora consider it "eww" even as a charade? You don't quite explain that, other than using modern-day criteria. Not that you necessarily have to, but personally I think it would be good to have reasons for it rather than just "eww." And to reiterate in case I somehow botched up that, I meant Aurora the character.
Again, that's my opinion.