Reviews for Forsaken
samwise606 chapter 1 . 5/10/2006
I am reviewing my own piece just to set things straight, because a few people have commented on it and brought up a certain point. When I say that He became sin, I do not mean to be blasphemous; I don't mean that He actually did anything wrong or sinned Himself. However, I got that reference from the actual Bible, I believe it's II Corinthians 5:17-"For He who knew no sin became sin for us." That's not the whole thing, I don't remember the wording exactly, but it's something like that, and that's where I got the 'becoming sin' reference. But thanks for your concern and correction, everyone who's reviewed. God bless everybody!-Samwise
Dante's Disciple chapter 1 . 5/10/2006
I like the rhyme pattern you used here it does flow quite well. However it does seem you've took a brilliant concept and rushed it, more description of what he went through would have been good, also, as someone else said- he dosen't really become sin that's a nit missleading. But again the flow was good, and you got the basis of the story.
Sophie Ulquiorra Allen chapter 1 . 5/9/2006
I can understand the message that you try to show us here. However, I do not believe you used enough description in this poem. It seems as if you try to brush it all off, which, I know, you don't mean to do. I would emphasize a few things more, so as to show how much He really loved it. Generally, good message, but it needs a lot of work.
searchlight chapter 1 . 5/8/2006
I actually really liked the scheme, but check some of the spelling, there were a couple mistakes. And be careful about the 'becoming sin' because he didn't literally become sin, but I understand what you mean. Just ask yourself who the audience is-Christians should understand most, non-Christians or baby ones might be a little more confused. I know 'twas a bit harsh but I loved the overall feel and message. It's crazy to think our King died for us. Oh, wow...story/poem idea. Must go now...must...write!

-searchlight :)
burning in effigy chapter 1 . 5/8/2006
Nicely written, and quite thoughtful. Only problem I had with it was the end, it felt a little too short or too abrupt or maybe I didn't feel like it seemed to suit the rest of the poem

"He is sinless, but for all He takes the blame./Becoming sin; murder, rape, larcenly." love the list thing. :)