|Reviews for Blood and Iron: The War in the Heavens|
| The Crazy Talk Kid chapter 5 . 2/6/2008
I really enjoy this story because it's an interesting view of this Mezo-American like culture. What bothers me though is the lack of different dinosaurs that could be used or even other prehistoric animals that they use. It seems odd because you have many very interesting predators and creatures found in ancient South America.
This is a bit out of place but an interesting idea none the less. You do many cultures from Asia, North and South America, and Europe but nothing from Australia or Africa. It's your call but I think it would be an interesting move for you.
| Alankria chapter 4 . 6/1/2006
Reviewing as I read...
"Pterosaur riders trained here, as were the acolytes who controlled the pyramids" - This sentence doesn't sound great to me. I recommend combining this sentence and the next, and saying: "Pterosaur riders, the acolytes who controlled the pyramids and anti-air wisp thaumaturges all received their training in this region."
"The was a few mountains along the southern coastline" - I think this should be "There were..."
"What is interesting was the lines were designed before we “Gods” arrived here." - Too much passive tense, which I must say I've noticed more in this story than any of your others (was and were being the greatest culprits). I recommend changing this sentence to "Interestingly, the lines pre-dated the arrival of we 'Gods'."
"but there was some problems with that theory." - Was should be were, as you're talking about a plural (some problems). However, I recommend changing it entirely to "but that theory had some holes." to get rid of the passive tense.
"Dating of these lines showed they countless eons other than the first human settlements here." - Needs 'were' between they and countless.
"Either way, that would be my next destination. The crossbow bolt that had grazed my shoulder had caused a slight ribbon of blood to form. I stood at the forefront of my army, and pointed to it. “Even false Gods bleed!” I proclaimed. “Next time, this shall be Tonacoya and Itzli, and we shall give them worse wounds!”" - The first sentence of this paragraph has no relation subject-wise to the rest of it, so I recommend sticking it on the end of the previous paragraph.
" “Alright, here’s the setup,” she explained." - Is she still in her trance? Perhaps say so, because I assumed that as she's no longer mumbling incoherently, she's back in 'reality'. If so, say so, to make it totally clear.
"Garden, I’m going to need more pterosaurs than you can supply if [I'm] going to take out all the aerial patrols." - Correction in square brackets.
"It was designed as a second skin meant to full a society" - Full: do you mean fool or lull? I wasn't sure which one.
In that same paragraph, you start two sentences with 'Not to mention', which sounds repetitive.
"even as the guards [threw] thaumaturgical spell after spell at me." - Correction in square brackets.
"The pyramids were little [affected] by the “wisp” ball-lightning, but the pterosaurs [wreaked] havoc on the less reinforced top of the small flying shrines" - Corrections.
"The last part of the siege" - Hmm, I personally woulnd't use the word 'seige' as it makes me think of something much longer. Perhaps say 'assault' instead.
Oh, nice ending there with the creepy skull! Somehow I suspect it's going to be important. All in all, a good chapter and I'm looking forward to more.
Oh yeah, and don't forget the new PA chapter I updated a few days ago.
| Shadowhound chapter 4 . 5/23/2006
Sorry, I try not to read too many of these things. Appendixes (or however you go about making it plural) are fine at the end, or if you want to use it set things straight, but don't give them to the readers. Most of the information here will not immediatly be useful to the readers, so how can we know what to remember? Rather than just put all the information you want the readers to know in this Appendix, try putting it in the text at appropriate times. It makes the story better if you show the reader that you thought out your story without resorting to dumping it all in our laps in one moment.
| Alankria chapter 3 . 5/23/2006
"A unit of troops bearing the symbols of the Wave-and-Wind banner of Itzli down the road towards me." - I think this would sound better as simply "A unit of troops bearing the Wave-and-Wind symbols of Itzli..." Also, what 'down the road'? Coming? I think you missed a word.
"and blasted through single file of enemy crossbowmen." - 'blasted through a single file...'
"so no real benefits with gender discrimination." - 'saw no real...'
" I figured they could route any enemy artillery ambushes," - 'rout', not 'route'.
"It had not been hear before, and resembled a set of barricades." - 'here', not 'hear'
I do wonder if there's really time for the Garden and Peter to have this long chat about Peter's old world and politics.
"So, I choose the city were we planned to build the largest centers of non-military learning." - 'chose', not 'choose'
"I think we should move out. The fire’s under control, and it doesn’t seem like more troops are coming." - Is this Ix? Because it's in bold and I thought Ix was italics.
"We could go to the deep jungles, around Ix’s guerrilla base. There’s also the Azca airbase within a few days’ march." - This is the Garden, right? If so, it needs to be italicised as well as bold.
Interesting chapter, though I feel the story might benefit from a quick map sketch, just so that the layout of everything is totally clear. Update soon.
| Shadowhound chapter 3 . 5/23/2006
My only complaint is the manner in which the Garden speaks. You make the Garden sound like a body at some points, and that's fine. I just don't like the way it speaks. "Somebody ratted you out." The Garden doesn't seem like it watches old gangster movies, which is how that specific term came into the vernacular. Also don't let the Garden say "Yeah" and try to keep the Garden clean-mouthed. You make it sound like a seperate inhuman organism, so make it inhuman. Most people who come to the U.S. or learn to speak english or other languages properly speak very formally. Telepathy isn't that much different from speaking aloud, most people only hear what they want to hear. Anyway, good story so far, I just dislike that one thing.
| Alankria chapter 2 . 5/21/2006
"The last thing I expected when I finally made the announcement was an assassination attempt." - I assume you intend this to show that Peter is a little clueless, because it's one of the things I definitely would expect to happen in this situation.
I would have to liked to see more of his announcement. You only showed that in a paragraph before skipping to the later scene (and it took me a moment to figure out it was taking place after he told the people he's human). Other than that, an interesting chapter - I particularly like the idea of a sentient ecosystem and I hope it has a good role to play in this story. Update soon!
(Oh, and I updated PA)
| Shadowhound chapter 2 . 5/17/2006
Again, interesting. I would rather discover this information by reading the story, but this works. I don't recommend doing this, by any means, but it works. Because it is basically a bunch of information, I can't really give much of an opinion or review on it.
| Shadowhound chapter 1 . 5/17/2006
Interesting story. I like the idea of people playing god(s). Even better that he is in love with a person who is trying to beat him. I'm curious as to how that happened. I think you had Peter or whatever he's called a bit to comfortable with the idea of shedding his god-hood. Most people get mad when you take away the simplist of rights, how would he react to losing almost all his power. He should at least be thinking of ways to make sure he retains some, if not most, of it.
Again, good story. I'm off the read the next chapter.
| Alankria chapter 2 . 5/16/2006
though they sometimes claim they “take human form” to “select those worthy enough to mate with the gods,” or in plain language “party and drink.” - snigger
This is very interesting, original and clearly thought out, but I feel that it reveals some things that could have made interesting plot twists, for example the eugenics programme. I even would have left it a chapter before it's revealed that the gods are in fact fake, but that's me. It's all good so far, am definitely looking forward to more.
Also, I've updated Painted Angels.
| Alankria chapter 1 . 5/16/2006
Interesting beginning. My only criticism is that it seems a little sudden - I assume Peter has been planning to betray his fellow gods for some time now, but it feels like perhaps that point could be emphasised a little bit more. Other than that, a good chapter and I'm off to check out the appendix thingy.