|Reviews for Slave|
| minor chapter 29 . 10/26/2007
I was really surprised when you updated after so much time. From what I remember, the last chapter was amazing. I remember your story having that nice mix of humor and action.
Now I will proceed to butcher your work with some constructive criticism.
Please take these things to heart because I see that you have potential, especially in your creative, non-cliché story ideas. Your weakest area when you write is that whole thing about conveying your ideas to the reader. It's like when you talk about something abstract and your friends have no idea what your talking about and you just keep on interrupting your sentences to give information that you realize you'd forgotten, and all the while your friends are looking at you all weird... and you keep on talking in run-on sentences (heh, always happens to me at least).
First of all, I know you love parentheses .I love them too. Their really fun and they add a punch of humor. They allow you to throw in extra bits of info or thought, that wouldn't fit in otherwise. That’s just the problem, though. Parentheses break up your meaning and break the mood. This late in the story its all about mood, and if you break it, the whole story suffers. I guess I'm just bitter at my teachers at school for not dissing the parentheses thing but they're right about sentences being broken apart.
You've included parentheses that were unnecessary, also:
"Enzeru slowly made her way over to them [her parents] and did her best to get them both in one hug (which was fairly hard to do because her arms were too small to fit two adults in them)."
Instead of stating the obviouse, that her arms were too small, you could just say that she struggled to wrap both of her parents in a hug at ones, or something to that effect.
Since I've mentioned Enzeru's reunion with her parents, I feel obligated to say that I didn't see any realism in it. You didn't elaborate on anything emotional, and so, even though you seem to have a more emotional meeting in mind, when you didn't elaborate it became as if it never happened.
Also, I understand that Enzeru has a silly personality, but I cannot see any likeable character reunite with their parents and right off the bat, narrate all of their past experiences in a run-on sentence, just like Dorothy at the end of the wizard of oz. Lazy or not, If you elaborate on these things, what seems to be your ideal story will be made, and this will encourage you to continue doing good, thorough, work.
Right... this review is going to be Literature Analysis long if I don't put an end to this all, so here are just some more things I'd like to say briefly:
“she[Rachael] was too young to be taking care of a big kid (and she was not talking about any young children she would have)."
This joke is funny but it's not really coming across. If you take out the word "big" and then add what’s in the parentheses into the sentence in some way that makes sense. That way the parentheses won't interrupt the joke, and it wouldn't be already stated that the kid is big, which gives the joke away before you can spin some humor into it.
"Enzeru smiled as she looked at the boy. As she looked up, however, something caught her eye and whipped the smile right off her face. There, standing as if she had just come home from band camp, were her parents."
Here, your use of "she" is ambiguous. You'd have to replace it with "Enzeru" in order to keep the same sentence structure. Having problems like ambiguity just breaks the writing apart and makes the reader have to thing about the actual words rather than their meaning.
This chapter, though, despite other improvements you may have made in your writing, definitely has some grammatical errors.
"If you hadn’t come he’d be lying dead in that church right now, so would I." Here, "so would I" should be another sentence. If you think about it, I'm sure you'll see what I'm talking about.
Also, I think your tenses aren't the same all throughout. Even though using "had been" and "have been" is tempting 'cause it sounds nice by itself, using this tense all throughout just gets complicated and irritating.
Second before last, and I promise it is, is when you call Ronin and Enzeru "the teenagers", for some variance. I just don't like that personally. It just doesn't flow well. It kind of stereotypes them. Teenagers can have all sorts of personalities, and grouping those two into a group that’s often generalized as being whatever it's seen as is just not very representative of the hardships that your characters have gone through. Using specific groups like that just sounds kind of tacky and cheap to me. idunno.
Finally, is my life! It owns my soul. I can never think of the right words to convey what I mean so I go on and search for synonyms of the words I CAN think of. Not everyone is as brilliant like Shakespeare. He always wrote the perfect words to create so many different specific effects. Seeing those lists of words waiting for me to choose for makes me so happy. I just want to spread the love.
I'm sorry if this review has been hard to read through, or hurtful in any way. I'm just really excited that I see what you really mean and how your thoughts seem great. I want to see that beastin' author in you burst out with great diction and all. Much love, minor.
P.S. Maybe you should try to copy the writing style of one of your favorite books. That way, you can see how your favorite authors convey their affects.
OMIGOD! two full pages on word. I'm you only gained from it. _
| leemya chapter 28 . 8/25/2007
Oh my! this story is great!
When are you going to finish it?
| Sonyashinto chapter 27 . 8/9/2007
hm... well i was going to review in chapter 28 but i already have from a long time ago. but i wanted to read your story over again. but i found out something..you never finished this story. you were soo close i think 1 or 2 more chapters but you never updated this story since the beginning of this year. please update this story for i want to know what happens to these two. i want to know how this ends for i really loved this story very much. So please update soon.
| Sonyashinto chapter 28 . 3/7/2007
MAN! This was an awesome story, i loved it all the way through. you must update this story again. I can't wait to read the next chapter and see what happens to Enzeru and Ronin. So please update soon. Will be looking forward to the next chapter. Thank you.
| minor chapter 28 . 1/27/2007
The ending of the chapter was perfectly tragic but I don't think that Ronin's normality after killig his father is as good a thing as the story makes it out to be. It may be more tragic if the reader's reaction to Ronin's reaction is made to be a bit bitter. I also don't really get how Enzeru climed the church wall. Not that I ever tried, but climbing those round stones should be dificult. Not everything can be explained with "it was magic". It might just be me, but I didn't get that the uncle helped until it was , this Chapter was overall very good. The fighting moved well. I'd love to see what you come up with for the ending. I trust you'll be able to sum it up in a none cleche way.
| LilyFinn chapter 28 . 1/22/2007
HOLY FREAKIN' CRAP THAT WAS A *VERY* GOOD CHAPTER! I loved th little twist you made with Raidon and the uncle and the medicine thingy. And the fighting was *superb*. (Mark this day on your calendar as 'the day Heather-Feather complimented me' because you will not get many compliments after this, let me assure you! lol!)
Now I demand you to update the next chapter. Because I wanna know what happens next.
Ps. Since Toyo drank the medicine thingy, does that mean he's not sick, too? YIPPY SKIPY! TOYO WON'T DIE!
ps2. (mwahaha! I am rebelling against society and putting a 2 where it should be pps or is it pss?) i don't feel like reading luck of a dingbat right now...so don't expect any review for that one.
| LilyFinn chapter 27 . 1/22/2007
Must...resist...urge to...rip you...apart! MWAHAHA! I ask again: why the angst? Throw in a little comic relief so I can laugh instead of thinking 'omgomgomg, Ronin's gonna die!' RONIN CAN'T DIE! ENZERU HAD BETTER SAVE HIM! OR ELSE I'LL HURT HER!
But I can't do that because she's fictional! So I'll just hurt you instead! Mwahahahkukukukuku! Don't you love having such a heartless friend?
| LilyFinn chapter 26 . 1/22/2007
I hate angst...I hate you...You meanie. Why must you make the chapters angsty now?
So...is Enzeru an angel thingy mabob? I skimmed through most paragraphs because they were all angsty, and I got really confused...guess I should go reread the chapter again, but I'm too lazy and I really wanna read the other chapters and then go review the luck of a dingbat...
| LilyFinn chapter 25 . 1/22/2007
DAMMIT! NOT ANOTHER ANGSTY CHAPTER! WHY? WHY GOD WHY? ALYSSA, MAKE IT BETTER! MAKE IT HAPPY LIKE IT USED TO BE!
I DON'T WANT MY BADASS RONIN~BABY TO DIE!
| minor chapter 27 . 1/5/2007
The part with the doctor, when Enzeru realizes that Ronin's in trouble is kind of blurry for me. When Kelsey died I thought she had just swallowed some random medicin, not Ronins. I'm still really looking forward to the next chapter. _
| minor chapter 26 . 12/30/2006
I've been reading your story for the past two days. Most new authors don't write with enough detail or write with too much sight and sound in mind and not enough smell, taste and touch. I actually don't know how much you could improve in these areas but it always helps to keep that in mind...Right, this is the part where I tell you how much I like your story. I like your story very much. It's because I like your story very much that I think you should make it better in the following chapters. What ever you have in mind, I'm sure it'll be great but I don't think it'll make me think in a different way about the world or anything. I think alot more action would help. I really really REALLY REALLY want to see this girl making the ordinary extraordinary and kicking some ass...The dungeon thing was a good move. yea, the dungeon's a classic. Near death experiences are nice too. I'm yearning to see Enzeru stab someone with a knife. I don't mean to be asking way to much but, may I suggest making someone go crazy? I'm kinda . minor
| Long Island Iced Tea chapter 26 . 12/23/2006
I love this story! Oh, why oh why must this end?
| Long Island Iced Tea chapter 1 . 12/23/2006
| yettobenamed chapter 25 . 11/23/2006
This story is great but I can't seem to figure out what might have caused Ronin's and now Toyo's illness. Is it their powers? Did they find out about the Toyo and Lexi fluffiness and suppress the little boy's memory so he became sick too? Just what is the big deal with that angel girl from so long ago? If they're so worried about ronin's and Toyo's illness and angels can heal why not just figure out a way to get some angels help to cure the two demons? What's with Enzeru seeing her parents outside? Is Ronin really going to die?
| Jugglingbearperformer chapter 24 . 11/7/2006
YAY! an update! Oh my gosh you scared me at the end I thougjt Ronin as gone! lol Updatedate soon excellent chappie and i hope they find a med. that will cure Ronin.