Reviews for Onlooker
Tytherpol chapter 1 . 3/24/2007
I love all of them...

I do the same thing (write little poems while onlooking people.), but yours are better than mine. Your imagery and crap is seriously amazing.

My favorite is Workaholic, but the lovers is pretty accurate, too. Anyway, nice. ~Sara
CalypsoDreaming chapter 3 . 1/7/2007
I really like the idea of this series of poems, and this is one of my favourite parts. I love 'ravenous slurps of shame' because it seems to be true to the character/person you are describing, emphasised by 'shifty-eyed glances at all who may look on scornfully'.
Aquafied chapter 6 . 12/9/2006
curled lips

god, how lush.

reminds me of someone very pompous i know
Aquafied chapter 5 . 12/9/2006
i fear becoming old with almost every fiber in my body

quite a few people in our generation are

suicide is up

die young

burn away dont fade out
crazy dog events chapter 6 . 12/8/2006
While this one lacks the 'structural' problems of its companion piece, it feels flat, in comparison. I'm not sure exatcly how to explain it. I cringe at my own worthless review.
crazy dog events chapter 5 . 12/8/2006
Lovely. No run-on sentence, powerful imagery; We KNOW this woman. We've seen her waiting tables in diners and hunting for bargains in Department stores, wearing clunky jewelry and bright leggings. Yay for you!
crazy dog events chapter 4 . 12/8/2006
I really want ot put this collection on my favourties list- and I think I will, despite my complaints with the piece- but I'd just like to see these polished. All you'd have to do for me to fall in love with this particular poem is put a period at the end of line 5, and replace 'And' in the next line with 'She.' You'd get rid of that little run-on sentence problem I've been talking about.

Perhaps I'm a little anal-retentive. I don't know.
crazy dog events chapter 3 . 12/8/2006
Again: run-on sentence. It's kind of a shame, because you've really got *something* here, but the structure (or lack thereof) is dictracting. I'm not talking about formal structure; I love free verse, but it sounds awkward, like gratuitous comma use.
crazy dog events chapter 2 . 12/8/2006
Felt a bit too much like one long run-on sentence. It's quite nice, but it could do with a bit of structure.
crazy dog events chapter 1 . 12/8/2006
I really liked this- partuclarly line two. No criticism here.
none of burt's beeswax chapter 6 . 12/5/2006
i love this series. i can picture each one of these instances and these people. and i love the broken up lovebirds thing and tackling the idea of never being enough for someone. darling, this is fabulous.
none of burt's beeswax chapter 5 . 12/5/2006
i lalove this. "...as if it will keep her alive/forever."
none of burt's beeswax chapter 1 . 12/5/2006
ohmigod, the imagery. "...shadow ribs like xylophones." that is utterly fantastic.
Lucid Nonsense chapter 6 . 12/3/2006
Powerful end, good job. All of these are really interesting.
Lucid Nonsense chapter 2 . 12/3/2006
Really nice character sketch, good job.
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