|Reviews for Chokeworld|
| MaDMaS22 chapter 1 . 3/16/2007
Well Im reviewing this one because of our one degree of separation byway of out mutual friend Mumbling Sage. And two because im devious and want something in return. But you are bound by no contract so clearly it is a win win.
I like the opening paragraph. But I wonder why that open quotation in there. You didn't close the first paragraph with a close quote. Unless of course the entire first chapter (or the majority of it) is a quote. 0.o
Reading your first two paragraphs you seem to be rather comfortable in your style which is much more than I can say for alot of the authors on FP.
lol and I have just come to find that the entire thing is a Monologue. hmm sweet. so You knew exactly what you were doing.
I dont necessarily like the line "largest and only city". I mean if it is the only city then naturally it is the largest right? that kinda took me out. everything to that point I couldn't lay a finger on anything.
"but I’ve seen barrels full of freshly made steel bars fall on them, and they got back up and put the bars back in the barrel."
the last part of that sentence is kinda awkward
well the ending kinda trailed off for me. I was a little bit lost you started to put your descriptions of the races and classes to close together. at least for me. also there were a few strange choices of words.
On the whole tho I like where this story has the potential to go... Ill probably come back
and review more even if you dont return my review.
But if you have it in your heart to take a look a one of my stories
look at Where Angels Fear to Tread. Think you would like it.
| The Mumbling Sage chapter 5 . 7/10/2006
One thing I've noticed in the past few chapters is the too-frequent use of commas where the sentance could be ended instead, or no puncuation is necessary.
| The Mumbling Sage chapter 7 . 6/30/2006
Oh, depressing yet touching. I like how your introduction explained everything, so we don't spend the rest of the story going 'what? How/why does THAT work?'
| TG Muka chapter 3 . 6/7/2006
A very interesting concept for a story, but your form needs a lot of work. For starters, you should figure out what punctuation you want to use. A lot of times, when you need to be using a semi-colon or a dash, you go ahead with a colon, which doesn't fit right.
Your description is like a brick, which is not very interesting after a while. Not a trace of subtlety in it. You also have a tendency to reveal far too much too early. The prologue is a very good example of this; don't give away all your secrets before the story begins. A mark of a good writer is one who lets the reader explore the world as they go through it rather than laying it out for them at the beginning. Leave some surprises.
| Dead Decoy chapter 1 . 6/2/2006
That was pretty good. I'd like to see you continue it.