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good begining but you should put a little more feeling in the deaths of his parents. dont worry ill keep reading though and review more.

This is really interesting and well written.

keep it up! ]

x

There were a couple more stories entitled Memento Mori and dude, I had to sort through all of them, mweh! Anyhow...

I read the entire story in one sitting and I really liked how you pulled this up. There's a little of everything without losing touch with the overall feel of the story. I'd love to see more of those "ghost theories" applied though. But then again, they could be other forms of the (para)normal.

Hm, I can't decide which of your characters I like the best. They're all well constructed and can pretty much hold on their own. Are they all gay? I'm only new to this site but most forms of fiction I've come across portray them as comic relief most of the time. This fic didn't so a couple of hoorahs to you!

I guess the case of the missing little girl wouldn't be solved yet, huh?

My brain's currently toasted so I'd leave psychoanalyzing Patch, Dominique, and stepmom's (forgot her name) situation, for now. Though you can always clue us in in the next chap XD.

Keep updating!

I really want to know what happens to everyone, and what the riddle means. Patch creeps me out.

"and expressed none at all through his face"

Eh? None at all? Don't you mean nothing or am I missing out on some fancy term?

Format issue in which a sentence suddenly gets cut off and the conitnuation is on the row below. It after he looked at the picture.

Now aside from this, I was quite surprised to learn Gym had friends... Did he get them after his parents died? He seems less of a crybaby now. More mature. So I guess he got friends due to this as well?

Sadly the chapter was a bore to me. Nothing of value happened. It felt dragging, bordering pointless. :/ Not completely pointless due to meeting with spirit/dead guy whatever, and introduction to his friend (albeit dragging).

I felt as if you overdid it. It could have been shorter and yet more appealing. Hmm...dunno if I should continue... It had a really nice first chapter though...

"were getting to rough, "

missed an 'o' in too

"his eyebrows furrowing over turquoise"

I personally find "above" to be a better suited word instead of "over"

As for story itself;

I liked it. I didn't realize it was about a child (9 years right) in this chapter. The narrative was rather eloquent so this came as a surprise (a nice one though).

His tendency to see the supernatural was an interesting touch and also how he responded to it as well as how others responded.

I really liked his scenes with Decker and his mother. Especially the one with his mother; it was written in a manner that helped a bit to feel relief for Gym (what a horrible name I have to say ) who was finally acknowledged for not being a mental.

Good so far!

How is it you manage to hook me back on to this story in just one chapter? You vixen, you! Anyway, I love Decker, I love Tate, I love Gym, I love them all. But I really, really, really enjoyed the Cain/Tate stuff today. It's bittersweet and sad, but also delicious. (I have this thing for older/younger. Yay.) Anyway, Cain is a sweetheart, but when is he going to realize that he wants to do naughty things to Tate? Har har. Oh, and my favorite line(s):

"I'm serious. If you don't shape up, I might have to resort to something drastic."

"Spank me?"

I definitely laughed aloud at that.

The storyline is also getting more and more interesting, but since I have absolutely no idea where this is headed, I don't have as much to say. (I heart Patch and his sultry riddles.)

Make sure you update this like a normal person, okay? Like, soon. Pretty please.

And is there going to be smut? :D

Love,

-Wonky.

AH SO HAPPY TO FINALLY READ THE NEW CHAPTER ;ww; -has been waiting since forever-

dewd you freaking tease me with sexpot and then the part with cain and tate~~ I was like "OH SEXY TIEM WITH CAIN" but then he was like "no" and I was like "AW"

butdewd the blackwingy guy seems cool so far o-o

ANYWAY I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THE NEW CHAPTER 8D

My post-it note came in handy after all.

Holy shit, do you know how late I was up reading this? Well, past my bedtime, you can be sure. I was hooked like a fish the entire way through. I thought, well, maybe I should go cold turkey for tonight, and pick it up in the morning, but I couldn't! I had to see what happened.

Usually I don't pick up fantasy-esque stories and read them, so I hope you're proud of yourself - you kept me interested. ("Psychological" was also a huge incentive, too!) And one of the great things was in the way you presented yourself, actually, on Gaia. You just said, bluntly, "Here's my work, read it," no apologies, and you know what? It's great. Really great. I was almost surprised at your age - but not quite, because I was the same way. Except I was never this good at writing longer original stories. Only fanfictions. But I digress. xD

I will start out with the comment that I hope encompasses everything because I was so impressed - you have an amazing gift of storytelling. Your writing is tight and your descriptions are good - but that's not what catches your readers' attentions. It's your ability to tell a story perfectly, with enough detail, with enough dialogue, to keep them waiting on the edge of their seat for more. I am so jealous. I have always been jealous of writers like you. So many times writers have fascinating plotlines, but can't execute them because their writing is too flowery, or they write minimalistically (me). You're going to be a famous author one day, mark my words. I'm going to be reading your novels hot off the press - and I won't even know it's you!

There are some grammar and spelling mistakes that I noticed last night but was too tired to point out - but it doesn't take away from the story enough for me to be peeved by it. If you had a beta, though, they'd catch it for you.

Basically, you have the quality of a writer who (seems to) know exactly where to go and how to get there. It baffles me. I've never been able to do that - it's why I write short stories. (And love to do it, too.)

Don't even get me STARTED on these cute darlngs. I have a huge soft spot for Chance. The whole story is tres awesome (PATCH! xD I'm not sure whether I should be attracted or repulsed), and adding in slash just makes it that much better! Everything is better with slash, I say. (Amen.)

Damn, I leave monster reviews. I'll be a n00b for one second: "UPDATE SOON!"

I mean it, wonderful job.

Love,

-Wonky.

kind of scary, but cool at the same time. i like Chancellor and Tate so far. :] i'll eventually read more later.

Chapter 1 – the sudden accident was a little bit too abrupt, but the revelation of his mother finally being able to see them covered that up quite nicely.

Chapter 2 – the descriptions are really amazing at the beginning of this chapter. The flow and the context painted such clear images.

Chapter 3 – more characters… interesting so far

Chapter 4 – there was year jumping? Wow… I didn’t catch that at all. lol.

Chapter 5 – this part was the best : “Tate and Aunt Opal looked at each other, "Aw!" they then cooed in unison, both also taking him in for a hug.”

Chapter 6 – the first part was … cute, though the second part was kind of… creepy.

Chapter 7 – wow…

Chapter 8 – yes, it kept my interest. Another really well written chapter

Chapter 9 – intriguing… the plot's starting to move…

Chapter 10 – it was one of the best chapters so far! The way that everything was worded gave it such a dramatic and suspenseful feeling

yey! they're all back together again! what a great chapter! this story is really devolping wonderfully. I look forward to reading every bit of it in chapter 11!

I don't know if I'm one to say this, but I think the language feels too formal for the story. Perhaps there is an obsession with getting the sentences right behind the habit? Try being more versatile about it. Gets more interesting to read. The descriptions are picturesque and drive the plot forward. Sometimes it gets into too much background information and too far away from the character. It tells that he vomited his breakfast, it doesn't show. Gym is one weird name hahaha

Good work!

Hello! Great chapter, I really got pulled into this one! Um, plot! I'm a bit hazy on it, 'cause I keep forgetting to check my alerts! *looks sheepish* BUT here's what I make of it all:

1) Tate and Gym are two guys who can see wierd ghost things (wgt).

2) Decker is a unruly, and can also see them, now at least.

3) Gym saw a particularly wierd wgt, which killed a kid, or a woman, or something. There was a shoe left. He took it to a little girl, who said it was her Mother's, I think. She died.

4) A wgt called Patch also appeared, possibly the same wgt that was on the balcony, and he attacked Gym. It told him to find someone with his eyes, and Decker has similar eyes, so he followed him to his house with Tate.

5) At Decker's house, Patch attacked Dominique, Decker's little bro.

That's all, I think! There was a ginger girl, too, but I can't remember mutch about her. Oh, and that kid who was friends with her, and his granddad died in a graveyard, I think.

Am I right?

Eric