|Reviews for Beneath the Surface|
| Fool of Amaranthine chapter 2 . 11/21/2006
*slaps self* Oh jeez, I didn't review! Well, now I am. I'm sure I've told you before that I thought Chlorin was a girl, so you kow my guess. Second person...so fun to read, so hard to write (Remember my try? You know, the one where you are bleeding on the beach and don't remember a thing? Yeah. That one.
Well, I know you are working on the story with Labrie (which you should post up here, if you ever type it) so I won't ask you to update. But it would be nice if you did.
| Stormie Greye chapter 2 . 10/21/2006
Hmm, if anything, I would have to guess that Chlorin is a woman by the way of his/her mannerisms...and the name is oddly enough feminine once you say it enough. Or at least that's what I think. You have a wonderful use of description; elegantly arranged with the scenery yet not over elaborate to spark confusion. It's just right. "It’s mid-afternoon, and from behind your vampiric-made window shades light glimmers forth, making patterns on the wood floors, dappled light that weaves a maze between leaves to reach your room." Example of a simple sentence that glows with a beauitful description at the end. Very nice! I hope you continue this.
| diamond-dust08 chapter 2 . 9/15/2006
okay i'm back rebeldork! sorry if this review of the second chapter took so long, i was quite... erm, busy.
so Chlorin not having any gender is intentional, but if you don't mind, i will refer to this person as a 'she', because as i said before she acts like a 'she'. anyway, vampires die when shot at any part of the body-"unlike humans"? hmm... most vampires in other vampire lit tend to use the opposite effect, unless of course the humans were all using silver bullets or silver weapons, which would of course be fatal to vampires.
and these vampires make the arrows and the swords and all that stuff, indirectly contributing to the war effort. the idea of the first seemed to indicate a war between humans and vampires (as had always been in more recent vampire stories), but i guess vamps and humans now live together and vamps are actually some sort of peons for human society. tell me if i'm getting it all wrong.
but either way, more clarification or explanation needed.
anyway good chapter, especially the ending. it might be better with a more description, but it's okay as it is. the second-person really gave me the idea that it was some kind of RPG that i'm playing, or else some walkthrough written in an eloquent manner (and terribly not-so-spoiler-free at that, LOL).
| diamond-dust08 chapter 1 . 9/11/2006
hello rebeldork! XD this is a pretty interesting story, if i am to judge it from the summary, so i wanted to check it out.
the vampire's name is Chlorin, and i was thinking of chlorine, lol. because there wasn't any overt reference to this vampire's sex i assume that it was a "she" (or i just missed it), because Chlorin acts just like a woman. forgive me for stereotyping. p
"you can heard his heartbeat." because you're writing in past tense, change 'heard' to its present tense form 'hear'.
so even vampires (in your story, at least) need to go to sleep at night. most vampires in popular fiction are nocturnal and instead sleep (or hibernate) at day, but here at least is a good change that somehow approximates the last shred of humanity left in them. good work, that.
anyway i love the grammatical consistency of this story, which only the part 'can heard' only slightly mars. you write well in second-person (is this the rage now? this is the third story that i've read using the second-person, and all of them tend to be really really good), and the integrity of your tense is really something; it blends well with the POV to create an immediate and urgent atmosphere. not to mention, such a mix made somewhat a good set-up for personality, as the story itself is the character, and honestly, as you've asked at the last part, i think you're doing great indeed. just keep it up; you're going the right way.
and i can agree, present tense is the more complex tense compared to the past, but i'm pleased you have shown yourself capable of the task. for that i salute you.
you also have good, inobtrusive detail that really flows with the pace. however, the story itself is kinda lost to me, though, and actually, i try not to read vampire stories anymore because it's probably the most cliched theme in Fiction Press. however, since this seemed to be an experiment of yours (an effort that i'm really impressed of, not only because of the quality of the work but in your attempt itself), i wanted to read this and see for myself how skillful you are. and as it turned out, i got more than what i bargained for. that said, i believe there's an update for this because it's just too good to be discontinued, especially as there were a lot of background that wasn't explained properly. i can't blame you though, the mood that you created was foreground-intensive (characters and immediate events), but if you can work on this in the future, i'll be delighted to come back.
you have a successful experiment, or if it wasn't, a good stage in which to set the entire universe of your story in. you might need to shatter some conventions in the vampire genre though to make this one really stand out, and i wouldn't also mind a longer one.
hoping to hear more from you (or from this story) soon!
(you're now in my author alerts. XD)
| Stormie Greye chapter 1 . 9/10/2006
I'm not really a fan of second person in stories, but for this I'll make an exception. It's not all that bad. I think you should gather some ideas and continue this. I'd like to see where it's going. It's kind of different from the vampire things I've read. The feeling I got when reading this was vampires mixed in with some kind of sci-fish thing...I dunno. But it was good nonetheless. :)
| Blu chapter 1 . 8/10/2006
I like it! :-)
| Blehk chapter 1 . 6/13/2006
I don't normally like anything about vampires, as nothing can stand to "Interview With a Vampire", but this was pretty good. I don't like the fact that it was in the second person, but you write quite nicely in this manner. So good job on that.
| Crystal A chapter 1 . 5/30/2006
This is the first good second person story I have ever read! You pulled it off quite well, I really enjoyed it. I think you should continue with the story. Although, when you are explaining what the message means, try and make it a bit more discreet that your trying to explain it, like they are the thoughts of the vampire. Saying such and such means such and such is acceptable but if you twirl it about in a more linguistically flowing sentence, people won't always be able to tell your actually trying to explain it, it just unfolds. If that makes any sense to you. Hope you continue writing!
| Sophie Ulquiorra Allen chapter 1 . 5/28/2006
In all honesty I think that you should continue on with your story. No doubt you have some wonderful characters and ideas. However, the second person PoV is a bit tricky to write (I've tried my hand at it myself) and I found that proper characterization is hard to maintain. Keep working on it, but just watch out when you write in second person. Good luck!
| DarkEclipse702 chapter 1 . 5/27/2006
Although my perferred writing style is third person, you do second person quite well. I haven't seen a fanasy story in second person before.I think the best part of this is how you focus on the thoughts of the main character, as it is second person.