|Reviews for Moonbeams|
| BIGblondANDbEaUtIfUl chapter 1 . 6/30/2007
Yes, its me. After an long (and i mean really long) vacation from writing this story, I am back and better with more ideas than ever. My writing has really improved alot over the year I have been gone, I almost shudder reading this crap that I have written. I would re-write the whole thing, but that would be no fun so im just going to start where I left off. Be expecting more, BETTER, chapters to come soon!
| Daero chapter 1 . 7/14/2006
I did not know you were eleven. Please disregard my review.
| wink chapter 2 . 7/11/2006
Wow. Prophecy of the Stones, much?
| Daero chapter 1 . 7/11/2006
Umm... I'm going to be honest here. This is in no way meant to be mean, just a bit of advice.
I'll start with the positive. Your punctuation and spelling are good, for the most part (fix things like, "One of Haily’s nicest positions" - should be "possessions").
May I suggest not to write daydreams? That is, if you want to take writing seriously; Mary-Sues are huge turn-offs for the reader. Give your characters some flaws. We don't need to be reminded every paragraph that the characters are mindblowingly gorgeous, either. The most important thing for a character to have is depth (not pseudo-depth, which would include self-pity/harm/blame portrayed as a good thing, "kind to a fault," "I didn't wish for this," etc.).
Elements are kind of overused, as are magical artifacts. Put your own spin on them. Make serious drawbacks that could pose danger to the characters, interfere with relationships, etc.
The magical stone... Haily may not realize it's magical, yet, but I hope you're not expecting the reader to be in doubt about it. The last line of chapter one is unnecessary; "destiny" rarely invokes interest any more.
"She always knew that someday she would have to go there." Again, that's a bit heavy on the foreshadowing. Try not to info dump or kill suspense.
Like I said, you have a handle on spelling and such, but try to avoid cliches and self-inserts.
Hope this wasn't too harsh.
| niki chapter 1 . 7/8/2006
I like it alot. when is your next story going to be put up? please let me know! Or i'll hunt u down and force u 2 write me 1 of ur fabulous stories :)
| Fenrir chapter 2 . 7/7/2006
Ew. Just... ew.
| Peace Popsicle chapter 1 . 7/7/2006
This is all kinds of cliche. Just... wow. Earth, Air, Water, and Fire? Seriously? You can't get any more cliche. Try to broaden your ideas and make them more original. You're young and have plenty of time to improve. Good luck.
| Sasha chapter 5 . 7/4/2006
Kalathia is my sister, btw. She directed me toward this. And no, she isn't Swiss Cheese (Captain Commie; Zefskiy).
| Sasha chapter 1 . 7/4/2006
Pathetic, and that's the only word for it.
You won't improve without criticism.
While I found Swiss Cheese's criticism a tad bit harsh, I agree with her 100%
| darygrl chapter 2 . 6/29/2006
i liked it but maybe make it a bit more amusing and fun
| Vegan chapter 6 . 6/29/2006
What is with all the cheese? Hun, I certintly hope your lactose intollerant caus' I luv your stories and want you to continue writing! Oh and miss gorgenzola, KEEP OFF THE PROFANITIES! Dont let a few cheese wheels and sailors bring you down! I luv your writing I'll check the web every day to look for updates!
| cheddar chapter 1 . 6/29/2006
I hated this story it was truly pathetic then again how would I knowwhat good was if Ididn't read this crud
| Gorgenzola Cheese chapter 7 . 6/29/2006
Wow. I actually FELL OUT OF MY CHAIR laughing! That was the worst peice of S#!t i have ever read! The website should have a rule that bans this kind of horrible writing! Second thought, they should leave it on. Everyone needs some peice of crappy fiction to entertain them and make them lagh.
Swiss Cheese 100%! GO!
| Wikedxoxo chapter 1 . 6/27/2006
I forgot to tell you, great map! It was a bit hard to read at first, but it helpede me understand the story so much more!
| newbee chapter 4 . 6/26/2006
This is my first review on this site and your story gave me a really good first impression. It wasn't greatly written but it had a amazing plotline and iu realy enjoyed it keep wrting your stuuf and have fun with it