|Reviews for Element X|
| Vissermatt chapter 1 . 5/27/2011
I stumbled upon Element, version 2 I suppose, from a search thing-amajig. Your, shout out?, for the lack of a better word, was fairly interesting. So here's my review.
I haven't read all the way through either story, and there is a reason for that I suppose.
I'm pleased to see you so dedicated to "shaping up" your story. It shows alot of determination to your ideas.
Well as far as Element goes, I wasn't too impressed. It seemed like you were rush jobbing the exposition, which is a fairly dumb thing to do. Two great ways to start any story is a tale of the beginning, or a step into a rather awesome moment. Grabbing readers who will then be dedicated to your story is the first and PRIMARY goal of any first chapter on fictionpress in my opinion. I personally don't have any works here, but I honestly believe that last statement. SO you might see why the first chapter of Element lead me to not even bother to read on, especially when I noticed you had an even newer vers of the story.
I suppose that minor rant wasn't a review, so here is something abit more solid.
Your main character seemed and seems too out of touch with Kinsai, in both versions. It might not be what you originally thought but in either version, your main guy would appear far more protagonist if he was on the up and up, and had some kind of REAL conversation with the seeming God of Fire.
Point 2. You seem dedicated to having the hospital scene BAM right at the beginning, but I don't think you should leave it there. We know little to NOTHING about your main man, and we're suddenly thrown into a rather boring fire scene in Element, and a kinda sketchy chaotic scene in Element X. Chaotic and sketchy is FAR better then the boring it was, but it isn't the greatest way to open a book.
I'm just a reader so telling you what to do is stupid, but I can give you abit of a hint what I mean if I explain myself.
If you've ever played final fantasy 7 then you'll understand perfectly. When they are introducing people at the start we get words on what MIGHT have happened, but we don't get the full SCENE of the past till later. You build up your character at the start, make the reader interested in him for HIM, then slowly reveal how he came to be.
Dramatic flair counts for alot in stories, reason why people embellish hearsay. And along those lines, your description of Kinsai is a little weak. In Element X you at least explain that he is taking a form that wont scare our main boy. I'll touch on this subject in a minute.
You then jump down to the Julia storyline, and introduce us to the first time he uses his power of fire, either intentionally or unintentionally. If you really want to get the exposition done first instead of squeezing it in later, I think you could gain some dynamic by starting out with this story line. After beating down on Lee, Kinsai, in a rather dramatic fiery form/scene should show up, and this should be his more formal introduction. Have main guy recognize him, but not know why hes there. Kinsai then acknowledges that he saved him from the fire X days/weeks ago for a purpose. In Element you made it seem like it was destiny, which is boring and lame. In Element X you mention every thousand years, which is seriously stupid. When you removed the destiny thing I was pleased, then you throw that wrench and I couldn't imagine a worse thing to replace it with.
In the Eervis Cale stories, the God of Darkness and Trickery has many disciples, but only a few Choosen. Ones that fit to his image, people/disciples that are to represent his word. Using something similar, or at least more endearing would help. Right now its like, hey kid you won the lottery, no one like you has won it in 1 thousand years but heck ima just give it away again another thousand years o yeah, turns out ALL the other spirit fellas give it away around this time too, so ur oober special but not so there!
It isn't dramatic or even enjoyable. Make Kinsai either like him, pity him, or see something in him that has NOTHING to do with destiny. You could even mention how our main guy ran into the fire to try and help his family in the fire back flash story, then Kinsai mentions that someone who would willingly run into a burning Inferno is someone he'd like to have as his Choosen.
Alot of stories, maybe too many, always like the choice thing here, if you were trying to aim at non-cliche, thats fine. But giving main guy a choice to be the fire choosen or at least having a sensible discussion with Kinsai, as I mentioned before. Your current rendition is too much like, hey kid you won the lottery...without ever buying a ticket or knowing what the lottery the prize or Kinsai are. Its just a little too thick at the moment.
I'm going to continue reading Element X, its alot better then Element; and has the potential to be pretty good. But Element isn't my cup of tea, finishing even the first chapter was a literal drag. Which is NOT a good sign for any first chapter.
*I know people have beta readers to help out with their stories. If you want to see what I mean by restructuring the first chapter shoot me an email and I'll try and do my idea and your story justice.
| red hot chapter 3 . 7/4/2009
This is awesome I wish you would continue
| sa chapter 3 . 1/28/2009
| Rahmid chapter 3 . 8/21/2006
I liked this chapter.
Just realized how different this story is going to be, lol.
| Rahmid chapter 2 . 8/20/2006
WOAH, info dump. Lil to much crammed in one chapter.
Everything seems to be a lil too 'hunky dorey' so far. It's prolly just me though, I like my manga's depressing for some reason, but as long as they like get better. ya know, emotional rags to riches.
| Rahmid chapter 1 . 8/20/2006
It nice to see your taken up writting this again! I enjoyed the last atempt, I hope this turns out even better!
I like how it's going so far. I think your writting has improved by the way.
I kinda liked the amputation-ness of the last Jin, but oh well. And even though its mean, I hope he becomes a street punk again, I liked that. But it's your story!
| Madness-Soldier chapter 2 . 7/31/2006
Man Jin is becoming a little pimp! Lol, anyway nice chapter. I like the way Jin is developing and I can't wait to read the next chapter. In fact I'm off to read the next one! Keep it up and update soon! And if you have time check out Guilty Act on my page. I think you might like it.
| Madness-Soldier chapter 1 . 7/1/2006
Great start for the story. I really enjoyed how Jin got his powers, and how you described his emotional instability. But for some strange reason sounds like he loved his sister more than like a sister...maybe thats just my mind playign tricks. Anywho great job man, and if you get a chance check out my story "Guilty Act". Its written in a way I think you'll like.
| named chapter 3 . 6/22/2006
Again, a nice chapter. I like this approach to the Akuma Kuran, I don't know why, I just do.
I like how you related Jin's reading to a normal Elemental's reading. That's quite a difference, I must say.
Again, a very interesting approach to introducing characters, I'm finding it hard to predict. But then again, it's still early in the story.
Don't get discouraged, this is a great story, it really is.
| named chapter 2 . 6/22/2006
I apologize up front for not reviewing, my brother got his hands on a new video game and it became quite hard to get on the computer. But excuses aside...
Very nice, well done, again, of course. I was wondering when Lance would come in, though I wasn't expecting for it to be this way. I like though, and the surprise was fun. I don't think I've mentioned this but I really like your style of writing, it's very professional.
| Darket chapter 3 . 6/21/2006
It's good, but the original did so good does it really need rewriting? That's all. Peace
| Darket chapter 2 . 6/14/2006
Good chapter. I like this story so far, and about the Avatar thingy majig, I wouldn't have a say in on it. I don't watch that show... But it happens. I wrote this story called "The Drifter" and there was a line in that movie that made this dude think it was from "Fun with Dick and Jane" which I've never seen.
That's happened to me before. People think I've used things that I didn't know before hand. yeah... good chapter. Until we meet again...
Peace, Love, Triangle!
| Adaku chapter 1 . 6/7/2006
omg, this totally sounds like that tv show called Avatar, I'm serous. The minute I read the bold print-I was like yep this is like Avatar. People who can control an element.
"These individuals can control the blazing fires, the freezing ice, the raging winds, the terrifying lightning, the fearsome floods, and the ever-changing earth. The ability to create, manipulate, and control these Elements has been granted to only a small percentage of people. It’s been speculated that only about one in every few thousand people acquire this ability. These special beings are called Elementals, and they are feared, respected, and revered."
But, your plot is differnrt from so I decided to read on, and I was right. I also like the idea of the lightness and darkness. keep writing on.
I can't wait what the next chapter will be. Hopefully you'll add a twist to it, to make it original. Till next time
| named chapter 1 . 6/6/2006
Well, hey, I was wondering when I'd get an update from you. And you didn't disappoint either. I like this opening better than the first one I read (your second try). It has a softer tone to it, and even though it's supposed to be a bitter tale or along those lines, it's a very likeable opener. Good job with it. Can't wait to see what the second chapter is like, I'll try to keep up this time.
| Rune Ocarina chapter 1 . 6/6/2006
Ok, first of all...when I saw the word "Horde" I instantly thought of World of Warcraft. Why? Because that game has taken over my life...if anyone cares, please help me! I can't even write my own story because I gotta run BWL weekly .
It doesn't bug me that, even though this is the second or third (I forget how many it was, because you wrote Element, and then changed that, and you now are making this...I think that's how it was) time I'm reading a story that's the same, but at the same time it's not the same. Heh, I'm confusing myself now.
I did like how the last Element turned out in the beginning, but during the further chapters I do have to say there were some questioning moments. Hence the lack of reviews from me in the future chapters. But I do like the way this one is turning out. How long will Jin stay as an infant?
I hope this story will be the "Best Story" you're searching for; you have been working hard on it. For your sake and for your readers. (Even though that sounded like a threat, it wasn't meant as one, please believe me) Good luck, and I like that weekly update idea...it gives you more time to read over your work so we don't have to go through another re-make of this story. *Laughs*