|Reviews for When The Stars Won't Shine|
| Just Max chapter 5 . 6/15/2007
Eh adoption plotlines are always /so/ dramatic. Now Deborahs in on the fun too.
Not my favorite chapter.
I still love Peter, though.
| Just Max chapter 4 . 6/15/2007
This didn't bother me before, but for some reason it just hit me. The whole adopted thing is kind of bugging me.
Like dun dun dun YOU'RE ADOPTED.
Wah, wah, wah.
But sorry it's your story, but I was just wondering if the whole adopted thing becomes significant later, or if it was just a way to make Wendy all, "Wah, I wish I NEVER had to grow up."
Anyway. I'm prone to saying stuff like that, sorry. I don't mean it offensively. I'm still enjoying this.
Peter owns my heart already, kthx.
| Just Max chapter 3 . 6/15/2007
Just a few things before I continue reading. I'm still enjoying this as a way to pass the time, but I have a question and bits and pieces that are bothering me.
In the prologue, you described Wendy's hair as auburn. (Well you didn't name her as Wendy then, but I can only assume that's who you're talking about).
But then, in this chapter, you described her hair as blonde. "a breeze barely teasing Wendy's blonde hair" or whatever.
And so my question is, which color is it?
And another thing that's a little pet peeve of mine is how often you remind us that her eyes are grey. It seems every time you describe her eyes, you latch "grey" onto it somehow.
Stony grey, grey searching, lifeless grey, rocky grey.
I don't think we're going to forget what her eye color is.
Anyway, I'm off to keep reading.
| Just Max chapter 1 . 6/15/2007
I love the simplicity of this. I'm going to scuttle off and read the rest of the chapters and will review with a giant review when I'm done.
I may just post random comments as I'm reading though if there's something I particularly like.
| Margot Tenenbaum chapter 7 . 6/9/2007
o wow, sorry for not responding in quite some time.
i love how you've taken something familiar and given it your own unique twist. it shows your creativity and skill as a writer!
| codyismypup chapter 7 . 4/19/2007
Oh,wow. I've never seen Peter shown this way before. Amazing job too.
You made Peter dashing at first and then slowly turned me around to see the dark in him.
Not all fairy tales are light, as you know.
Captain Andrew, huh?
Interesting. I can't wait until the next update. Although, it seems that you haven't updated in a long long time in my eyes. I might die of starvation!
| elisefey chapter 7 . 3/14/2007
I love Smee. He's great. Anyway, so sorry that this is such a short whimpy review after I took so freaking long to getting around to reviewing this chapter in the first place, but I just can't pull myself together enough at the moment; however, I didn't want to leave you totally hanging when I am, in fact, still reading, so I thought I'd just drop this little note to let you know I'm still here. And I'll definitely be back for the next chapter because I'm eager to know what Peter is up to!
| eggsbenni221 chapter 7 . 2/2/2007
hmm, interesting. I never would have expected that. I love how you just throw the twists in there; no warning, just bam! Don't ask me why, but i'm picturing this Tinkerbell as like a Julia Roberts sort of character like the Tinkerbell in "hook" with Robin Williams.
| endo.schism chapter 7 . 1/29/2007
I was scrolling down the newest story updates when I saw this, and I'm glad I clicked on it.
I've never read the book, or watched the Peter Pan movie since I was young, but I like the twist you've put on the story. You're writing is individual and interesting, and unlike most writers you don't have any noticeable spelling mistakes.
Also, the past/present tenses couldn't have been written any better, and the story seems much more interesting seen through the eyes of different characters, instead of just the usual one.
Keep it up, I'm looking forward to the next update.
| eyeoftherose09 chapter 7 . 1/28/2007
Aw. Well at least Peter's getting protective.
Ah well. I've learned not to ask questions because they won't get answered! ;D
I love this story. Please continue soon, I love it so much. This chapter was great.
| elisefey chapter 6 . 1/18/2007
Yet another MAMMOTH review from me. Bet you're regretting enticing me to come review now, aren't you? Ha ha! Okay, on to the chapter...
Wow, Peter is just shameless. This chapter really adds to the sense I was getting that Peter is quite adult despite being a boy that never grows up. It's as if the way he stays young is by refusing responsibility not by maintaining innocence. I kind of like that interpretation.
Anyway, the scene where Hook introduces himself is a bit confusing. How did Wendy see his scars through his shirt? When and why did her remove her gag? Other than these pressing questions, I like Andrew. I can see that he is an interesting and complex character much like Peter is complex. I am completely drawn in at this point and eager to see where this story will go.
As for narrative voice and such, the style of this story is shifting away slightly from lofty and chilling, and is starting to read more like a romance novel. That’s not necessarily bad as there’s nothing wrong with romance novels and you haven’t quite crossed over into the realm of ‘typical’ yet. This story is still quite original in its style and will continue to remain that way as long as you continue to incorporate some of that smooth eeriness that you developed at the very beginning of the story. I think the originality of the style as applied to this story is one of the things I like the best.
Well, I look forward to your next update and hope you’re inspired to post again soon!
| elisefey chapter 5 . 1/18/2007
Interesting twist on Deborah having been adopted. I like that. I also forgot to mention in my review for the previous chapter that I appreciate the way you mentioned Damien was gay and effectively squashed any expectation for a romance between him and Deborah. It allows Deborah to use him as a sounding board while maintaining a focus on her relationship with Wendy and Wendy's relationship with Peter.
I love the description of Peter's home. I could totally envision it with the details you gave. The introductions to the Lost Boys are fun, but I find myself wondering if they're meant to be quite young or more unaging teenagers. There's something about the way you describe their muscles that lends them a certain level of sexual aura that implies the latter, which is perfectly acceptable, I'm just wondering.
Wow, I think you used more details for Tinkerbell than you have anything or anyone else in this story so far. The difference in amount of detail makes her really stand out. If that was intentional, then it worked, otherwise it seems to jolt out of the style you've been using so far, both in the amount of detail and the details you chose to give.
There is a lot of extremely enjoyable sexual tension between Peter and Wendy that I really like reading. The only thing that confuses me about it is that it's rather adult in nature and yet they're supposed to never be growing up. Despite this inherent contradiction, I'm really loving it. :) It lends a certain amount of darkness to the lightheartedness of Peter that I like.
Anyway, your details in this chapter are good. Neverland came alive this time: crackling golden leaves, the smooth tree bark, the crashing ocean. Very nice. Reading on!
| elisefey chapter 4 . 1/18/2007
The scenes with Deborah are full of emotion. Just like the interaction between Peter and Wendy is wonderful; full of fun and thought. It makes me eager to find out what happens in Neverland. My only regret is that Neverland itself does not yet have any of the vibrancy I would expect of such a place (an assumption I have based on the fact that it's an imaginary world). You've mentioned that they're in a forest but it feels like a grayish blur without any smells or sounds or life apart from Peter and Wendy. I have plenty of imagination to fill it in, but I almost have too much. Just one smell, one sound, one touch of a damp leaf would be all the direction I would need to build this world in my mind. I almost feel like you are assuming that your readers have already read the original Peter Pan and thus have an image of Neverland. I haven't read the original and so you need to create this world anew for me. Don't get me wrong, I can't stand when authors give three paragraph descriptions of indepth detail, but one or two sensory details can help give the story focus and immediacy.
Meanwhile, the detail when Deborah makes tea for Damien is beautiful. You chose the right details for the mood of the scene, I could totally feel it. That's exactly the kind of immediate detail that I would like to see just a tiny bit more of in Neverland. But, of course, you have to follow your instinct on that because you know where the story is going and I don't.
In any case, I'm still very intrigued...
| elisefey chapter 3 . 1/18/2007
"Wendy had seen Deborah taking notes with her left hand, noticed that she herself used her right, and immediately set her own goal of becoming ambidextrous. Several months later the two handwritings were nearly identical." - I totally stopped reading at this point for about 30 minutes because I was distracted by practicing writing with my right hand...
"her lips only barely pursing as she opened it to find words" - Do you mean 'parting' instead of 'pursing'? And maybe 'them' (referring to her lips) or 'her mouth' instead of 'it'. The phrase is very confusing, though the amount of detail is nice because I feel like you're finally giving me a sense of what Wendy looks like while still giving me room to imagine her as I please. I also like the details you've used for introducing Peter, for instance, the way he stands on his toes and the golden eyebrow. Prior to this chapter, you've been almost a little too sparse on physical detail, but there's a good balance in this scene that uses the senses without pausing the action to do so.
This chapter was perfectly paced in keeping the plot moving and I love Peter already.
| elisefey chapter 2 . 1/18/2007
Well, there's definitely some nice foreshadowing in this chapter in the form of repeated reference to this being Wendy's last year at home and her being an adult now. And just the fact that her name is Wendy and the summary already said this is a Peter Pan story.
I'm not sure where you're going with Wendy being adopted, but that's not necessarily bad and it *is* good in the fact that it builds tension.