|Reviews for Sadness|
| creating.myself chapter 2 . 10/3/2011
I like Ch. 2 better. The imagery is better, and the message even more clear and poignant than in Ch. 1.
| recycle rhymes chapter 2 . 2/6/2011
i definitely like the edited version because there is just more elaboration and the metaphors are just more developed. nice work!
| Chasing Skylines chapter 2 . 4/25/2009
I liked the first piece better. I felt it was stronger in tone and conveyed more emotion, and this one is sort of inconsistent regarding capitalization. The other one was simplicity born from the frantic state of the narrator, while this one is a bit more formal, in a way.
[the salt water scalding my throat as i choke.]
Is "salt" necessary? You mention she's at sea later on.
I liked the ending because of the rhyme.
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| Chasing Skylines chapter 1 . 4/25/2009
[screaming for someone (anyone) to heal me]
You meant heal, right? Or "hear?"
I liked the parts in parentheses because they clarified her situation.
I liked this because of the resolute tone throughout and then finally at the end. It was very poignant.
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| Nicki BluIs chapter 2 . 4/17/2009
RM WINNER! CONGRATULATIONS! (whoa. deja vu...lol)
I like the first poem better. This version is much more polished and refined and I think because of it, loses the sense of urgency and panice the first one had.
I don't like the inconsistency in the capitalization. I notice that only the i's are left uncapitalized so it may be s pattern and not an inconsistency but nonetheless I feel like it is distracting.
Review Squad agent #069
| Nicki BluIs chapter 1 . 4/17/2009
RM WINNER! Congratualtions!
I like that you centered the poem. That format gave it a structure despite the lack of an apparent rhyme or meter.
I also liked the parenthetical notes. They seemed to have a different tone than the rest of the poem - like a calm cynical voice complementing the other more frantic and emotional one.
Review Squad Agent #069
| Fragile Things chapter 2 . 3/7/2009
both were rather amazing. i love the line about there being only sharks that really stuck out to me and made it special. still both are fine, you probably didnt even need to edit. :) good job on this
| B. J. Winters chapter 2 . 2/4/2009
Freebie - courtesy of Lime.
I definitely liked this version better than the first. The spacing adds a feel of depth.
I didn't particularly like the parentesis. For the "only sharks" in particular, it was a thought that deserved its own line.
Punctuation - added value and didn't slow things down. Because this is about something definite, not etherial, I liked the grounding that the periods offered (finite stanzas).
Good consistency of imagery. I liked the idea of water and yet not using tears. Cheers for not heading to the cliche and yet showing action and movement at the same time.
| May Elizabeth chapter 2 . 11/15/2008
I liked both of them. Though the second one is more powerful. Great job. Keep up the great work. Peace.
| Soulwax chapter 2 . 7/25/2008
for some reason wenever i think of water, my breathing becomes shallow. love your choice of words. the poem was small but the words were heavy. i related to it. there's always that one guy u can't get over mentally. physical things can be pushed or rearranged to suit ur viewing pleasure. but things of the mind aren't as easy to control. once again i loved this piece!
"but there are no mermaids (only sharks)"- love that line. reminds me of something i would write
| blue-dan chapter 2 . 7/21/2008
I love both of these, but especially the second. It seems more personal (more about "him" rather than "them", it hints more at a past and is easier to identify with). Really great.
| Iccle Fairy chapter 1 . 7/2/2008
very nice. great emotions shown. however one thing that i thought was maybe the bracketed phrases could be separated by a line, in italics, make it more thought provoking...
but hey! I liked it as it is!
| Fractured Illusion chapter 2 . 6/21/2008
Congratulations again, Legend! Here is your second review, your prize for winning the RM! :D
To be honest I didn't expect much when clicking on the title. Sadness as a title didn't really get my attention (an overused word, really) but I am glad I clicked because I liked this too! Another poem with well crafted imagery/metaphors. Ah well, lets break this down, shall we? Also, I like "Drowning" as a better title. Fits better.
(random: curse you for having it centered. Now I can hardly have my review pop up window open at the same time D:)
1st stanza: First line wasn't too impressing on me, but damn! Making him into an anchor was a wonderful metaphor, and also a unique spin on dragging some down. Very creative, Mini! Great start to the poem.
2nd stanza: You have a really interesting last line here. I like the theme of the water without it being too much. It's done tastefully. I didn't much care for the "heal me". Heal her from what? She is drowning/choking. Not much to heal, just drag her to shore...? And, being a non-poet, I have little clue for what the parenthesis() are for, but I don't have a problem with them either. I guess I just want said that I don't mind them.
Btw. What is a simple breath? Are there complicated breaths? That description had me puzzled.
3rd stanza: "his words flood my lungs" awesome line! I really like the parallels here, of her drowning, and he hurting her/dumping her? And she in turn feels out of breath and dying on the inside? Thats how I interpret it. ;
Also, I liked the ending on the original version better "never to be remembered" rather than a forgotten memory, because the second isn't as original. Aside from that, I much liked the edited version better.
Overall I also liked this poem! Not just saying that (wasn't just saying that with the other either). They were both right up my alley: interesting wordings, descriptions and metaphors. Those are central to me when reading poetry! Congrats on two awesome pieces!
| xxInsanityxx chapter 2 . 3/25/2008
I love both of them :) but i like this one the most
| Esther Jade chapter 2 . 3/13/2008
As I said earlier, I prefer the first version of the poem. Nonetheless, this is a nice poem. I just think the other one is better - I also prefer how the other one handles the mermaid-sharks image.
This one doesn't give me such a sense of somehow actually drowning. As I alluded to in my review, I think that it is because of the very careful structure of this one.
One thing I really don't like, in either, but it struck me more forcibly here is the "one (simple) breath" phrase. I don't like simple as a word choice in this context - it just feels like it's not conveying anything and especially as it's an aside, I feel like I should get more out of it.
What I do particularly like about this version is the anchor image in the first stanza and the internal rhyme in the last line of the third stanza. I liked the first one because it suggests someone being dragged under, rather than someone struggling to get to the top. I wouldn't add it to the first version of this poem but with a failed love affair, the idea of being dragged under seems more appropriate. I like the internal rhyme because I love subtleties like that - they make me happy ;)