|Reviews for Where Angels Fear to Tread: Twin Shadows|
| Multiverse chapter 1 . 5/13/2014
This is the first story I've seen with such an epic start! Are these actual bible verses or did you come up with them yourself? Either way, fantastic! the premise is pretty eye catching. I cant wait to read more!
| Augment3d Reality chapter 5 . 10/10/2012
This is a really interesting piece. I was only going to read the first chapter, but felt that, since the first chapter wasn't technically a chapter as such, I'd have to give the second chapter a go. Before I knew it, I found myself wanting to read the whole thing and am really interested to see where it goes.
The characters are quite intriguing and so is the plot, so I think those are your strong points, for me anyway.
I would, however, like a detailed description of the different settings like Japan and Germany.
I also feel like you could break up the dialogue some more with such setting descriptions and some narrative also.
| K. A. Farron chapter 2 . 9/2/2012
I haven't yet read it all, but from what I have read this was really good! I loved the first chapter. I think it was a great idea to have it like that, it really does set the mood of the story.
You use great description and use a variety of vocabulary which makes that story more interesting. Also the variety of sentence lengths made the story easier to read and it had a nice flow.
I loved the story. It is nice how it was set in Japan and I loved how you added in the japanese words to make it more believable (plus I love Japan!). The story was imaginative and unique! I'll read the rest when I have time! I look forward to reading more! I really enjoyed this!
| Nanniko chapter 5 . 1/17/2010
Hiya! Reviewer Alliance R&R (Request for Reviews) confirmed! :D
... okay, cheesy, whatever. That actually JUST popped into my head. Anyway, to the point.
Very interesting story, but slightly cliche at the start, I must say. Since I've read all five chapters, I see its relevance and importance, but others may not have the inclination to continue reading past the first chapter. But it is definitely more original in later chapters (however confusing and suspense-driven they may be). Your application of the new technology is very sophisticated, but lacking in the description department. I get the gist of it, but at some points things are confusing (The HUD is fine, but when you got to the plane, it was a little sketchy).
Time skips invoke curiosity, well written one-liners create surprise, changing points of view maintain interest. Plot, a little predictable. Not a lot, only a little, so I doubt it's a biggy. It's probably due to the nature of your story, but there were a few things that I predicted. *SPOILER for those that are reading the reviews before reading the story* Like when Yuki is totally not fighting her sensei anymore or like when we figure out Yuki becomes Shadow's wife. I am intuitive to things like this, so it's not a huge flaw. Very tiny. Miniscule. In fact, forget I mentioned it, I just wanted to... mention it. Continueing!
An original plot without overbearing descriptions (which gives free reign to MY imagination, which I like :P) and good character personalities. I'm a sucker for the sarcasm, and humour in serious situations, so Shadow's character amuses me :)
That was long. Sorry to clog it up. I'll leave now. Hope the Gods of Literature grant thee skill and creativity! (Yes, I know that those Gods don't actually exist...)
| Nemo Nunca chapter 2 . 11/1/2009
I'm reviewing the first chapter because I've discovered it's not my kind of story and I won't be reading onwards. The 'Strong Girl with Attitude' archetype annoys me more often than not.
Here's what I determined from the first few paragraphs:
Yuki is a Mary-Sue
She had a tragic Mary-Sue past
This was going to read like a bad Ninja manga
I'd be forced to read through a bunch of random Japanese and have to deal with translations
Now, the bad part is that I'm sure of a lot of this isn't true. In fact further down you mentioned that the Japanese was a current fad which makes the world wonderfully complex.
Your character might not be a Mary-Sue, she might be a well-rounded and dynamic character, but she comes off as a Sue. I would suggest taking all the characteristics you show her having in this first chapter (being one of the last of her 'kind,' being a ninja, being a rebel) and put them into a Litmus test on the internet. Introducing them all at once in the very begining may not be the best idea.
I'm sure what you have is an interesting story, but your first chapter doesn't convey that and it might drive readers away. Although considering you have 85 reviews for only five chapters, I may be wrong.
| Shoob chapter 5 . 9/1/2008
Great setting and good plot, but a lot of the action scenes are a little choppy. It seems like you're trying to go to fast and not explaining everything entirely. Explaining things a little better in general would be a good idea; it isn't hard to figure out what a PORP is, for example, but you never mentioned what the letters mean (since they're all capital, I assume it's an acronym).
| Teldumor chapter 2 . 8/19/2008
I like the story, though it's still unclear and a little confusing. Shadow is interesting and, for lack of a better word, fairly awesome. Some of your one liners were good, like the part about where now he knew why he married her, and that last paragraph was some good dialogue. The whole part inside the building was slow, though the combat was well handled. It was a very interesting story, though I'm still not sure why any of these people are doing anything they do, nor what the whole insert of servants working for God or Lucifer was about. One last thing, Where Angels Fear to Tread is an actual book, so a name change might be in order.
| Rita chapter 1 . 7/19/2008
I dunno, I sorta liked your other stuff better, the first version. I mean, this is good, don't get me wrong! But the other version was...I dunno, it just seemed better written. Perhaps that's only in my sadly uneducated imagination.
| PhantomBialystock chapter 1 . 7/10/2008
Wow! This is a pretty amazing piece of work!
I really enjoyed this piece. Throughout most of it, I just couldn't wait to read more, especially at the beginining and at the end when Master died. That was so touching and gutwrenching all at the same time. Your dialogue for Yuki is very good, too. It's kind of spunky, which adds some character to her.
I thought your writing was superb at the beginning of this piece. It flowed well and made me want to keep reading to find out about Yuki, who at that point interested me, but I must admit that in the middle and a litle bit in the end, the story moved too fast. There was too much dialogue and not enough action going on, making it harder to understand what was happening. I suggest adding in more details, even in parts of action. They make it easier for the reader to understand what's going on and not get as lost. There was also one spelling mistake I noticed:
"Were from a special organization. you're Sensei over there-".
The first word is probably we're, right? You just need an apostrophe. And you might want to check out your capitalization for the next few paragraphs after that too, but besides that, your grammar and spelling was wonderful. Don't take the constructive criticism wrong: this story is great and pretty addicting. I would just take another look at the few things I mentioned. :D
| Redtail Rathan chapter 3 . 7/3/2008
First off, I did not read your story to get a review on my own. It just sounded interesting...
Now then. I'm guessing that Dual would be Yuki yes? Now I noticed some grammer mistakes in your story, but its no big deal. I do it too. And I'm guessing that you misspelled Angels as Angles on purpose? Either way, very well done story. Although it needs more detail as to who J-i is, what they do, who are these Fallen, what is their purpose, and Who this Doll is. But it is still a very well done, very well thought out story. Although it kind of reminds me of Hellgate: London, I doubt that's what you tried to do.
Anyway, I will be keeping track of this story. I want to finish reading it. It is interesting.
| Kinderwhore chapter 2 . 6/22/2008
Hello again; so I've decided to take a leaf out of your book and review as I read. Who knows, it might be more informative.
Love the subtle humour between Shadow and Dual at the beginning; it's as if they're an old married couple.
"The room had a minimalist set up, metal columns some round others rectangular held up the ceiling." Er, maybe some additional punctuation? Like "metal columns- some round, others rectangular- help up..." Or you could use commas. Whichever.
Rather than saying "unpainted with no pictures" you can just say "bare"? Less is more!
"Understood" -needs a period?
"I love you honey" -Ah, so they ARE together! It's nice to see that things have developed over the years; I'm guessing the first chapter was more of a prologue?
"Meanwhile, his mind drifted back on (to?) what Mobius One said."
"Great, no worries, it‘ll vacuum compress to your body." -"vacuum compress" seems a bit clumsy; it doesn't sound like genuine speech. Can't really think of how else you could phrase it though.
"Mentally Shadow counted the downed enemy as the Heads Up Display showed the terminated life signs." -How about "enemies down"?
The German accent doesn't really ring true; and if they were in Bavaria, then why would the soldier be speaking English in the first place?
"The Soldier fumbled for the riffle looped" -Maybe "AS the soldier fumbled"? And there's only one F in rifle.
"Hand planting a crescent flip; he instinctively avoided the attack." There seems to be a confusion of tenses here. Some more detail in the first part of the sentence would also make the scene more interesting.
"Their voices scratched and scathed in dissonance." I absolutely love this line; it's perfect.
"grabbing for her (an?) arm that was no longer there."
"seem even more enchanted(-ing?) to Shadow."
Once again, the action scenes were fantastic; the chapter really picked up for me once the Fallen came in. They're definitely your strength. I also liked the character development, specifically the relationship between Shadow and Dual.
It's a shame you don't have a lot of description in your writing; judging from the few that have made an appearance, you definitely have a knack for them, particularly when it comes to the action/atmosphere.
As far as random capitalization goes, that wasn't as noticeable in this chapter; what grabbed my attention THIS time round was the apostrophe: sometimes they were in the wrong places, sometimes they weren't there at all. I suggest you read over this chapter and adjust accordingly. And before I forget, I noticed you kept typing "Angles". I'm almost positive you meant "Angels".
Keep it up!
| ByYourSide chapter 1 . 6/21/2008
Hallo! Typo time!
But your relying too much on your ears.
((Should be you're))
"Were from a special organization. you're Sensei over there-".
((Should be your))
It was definitely an interesting concept. I've been watching a lot of action movies lately so it definitely interested me; I could see the events playing in my head sort of like an anime. Yuki fighting. Yuki turning around to see her master at gunpoint. Yuki and Shadow and Raven.
Haha, I like when he takes out a cassette recorder-"it's bleeding edge technology!" I haven't seen one of those in years. ]]
Okay, I just got to the end and this story DEFINITELY has potential to become EPIC. I found lots of grammar mistakes and the prose needs tightening, definitely, but most stories around here are. Still, it has potential.
I hope there's character development. So far it seems you have a good plot, but your characters aren't particularly unique. Yuki is typical bad-arse warrior girl, Shadow and Raven are typical mysterious, possibly evil, possibly good guys. I see the most potential in the latter. Mostly because I don't know where their loyalties lie.
So like I said, this story has potential. And a lot of reviews. xD
| Kinderwhore chapter 1 . 6/21/2008
Hi, review game here!
Punctuation/typos: I admit I'm a total Nazi when it comes to this, but the first thing I noticed about this story was the typos; not spelling errors but capitalization, punctuation etc. -stuff which spellcheckers NEVER pick up on. Take the first sentence for example:
"Yuki Mitsurugi rolled her two favorite coins absently between the fore fingers of her hands; Her pea green eyes burning as she stared unblinking at the large class clock."
"fore fingers" is one word (well "forefinger" is in any case), and I think you could easily replace the semi-colon with a comma. Also, the H in "her" shouldn't be capitalized as it's already part of a sentence.
Dialogue: I know that this is set in Japan, but something that struck me as odd was how the characters switched between very formal Japanese words and English slang. That being said, it's not in common in Asia to hear English words used in otherwise local-language conversations... There were also some moments when you put the comma AFTER the closing speech mark; eg. "Come", she said, "Konichiwa Tenchi", etc.
Characters: I found myself warming to Shadow; his interaction with Yuki was really sweet, especially at the "amazing eyes" comment. But then he also beheaded Oni, and somehow two such different traits in the same character makes him seem very "complete."
Writing: Though this was an action-packed first chapter, I couldn't help but feel that some of the action would benefit from a little more description. Not all of them though; I mean, I found "Black ooze seeped from the lifeless body" to be all the more dramatic for its simplicity, but the part where Raven gets stabbed with the spear could be padded out a little more.
Hope this was helpful!
| Equilibrium chapter 1 . 6/20/2008
Great job! The plot is very interesting, the action scenes are fast-paced and well-described, and the dialogue fits the characters. However, I think the speech would flow better if you stopped switching between Japanese words and English words randomly (or are the characters switching languages too?). Perhaps you could limit the Japanese to just the names and the honorifics.
| Teldumor chapter 1 . 6/20/2008
I like it, I like it alot. The title really drew me in, and the setting in Japan enticed me. I live in Japan (A Son of Special Ops, Okinawa) and it's not often Sci-Fi in a non-manga form presents itself in Japan. I like the story, a little more detail please, but otherwise it's excellent.