|Reviews for if I had you|
| totes.awk chapter 1 . 8/28/2011
i read this
and i cried.
| the naked civil servant chapter 1 . 2/16/2008
oh dear God, how purely beautiful.
| caralita chapter 1 . 9/11/2006
i LOVE this, it sounds like the girl (or boy?) who's dictating this is trying to sound independant, but at the end you threw in the "... with you", which really makes the irony in it work. beautiful
| Atelophobia chapter 1 . 8/18/2006
I'm convinced that you're an amazing writer, taking the most cliched of topics and spinning them into fantastic poems.
I love the second stanza, especially "melt like ice-cream drips/onto hot summer fingertips", and how you made use of capitalisation to build up the poem. I absolutely adore how it ended off.
| Renss chapter 1 . 8/12/2006
Well, I'm certainly glad you've got the bag-of-sweets thing going on with FictionPress. I like your work. You have a lot of talent and a lot of things to say.
I almost never, ever like poems about unrequited love. But I really like this poem about unrequited love. My favorite lines: "would melt like ice-cream drips / onto hot summer fingertips." I can't decide if I really like or really don't care for "one moment, of infinity." I think if it had been in almost any other poem, I would have put it down as a hackneyed, fumbling try at metaphor and eloquence-but here, I really think it means something, and I even sort of think I understand it.
Fantastic job, and I think you're a fantastic author.
| Leaving Here chapter 1 . 8/8/2006
i LOVe the last part ! its ... WOW!Liz
| beti213 chapter 1 . 7/25/2006
oh and I almost believed it seems so simple, that one person is just that extra piece, that buttress, whatever. but then they can't always be all the support you need. and then you find poems like these, beautiful as they are, and they make you want to first two stanzas are painful-the last feels like healing. great writing.
| Sorrowful Dreams chapter 1 . 7/22/2006
a masterpiece at hand. I really like it. great work
| akaSummer chapter 1 . 7/16/2006
I don't understand all of it, but I still like the message, and the overall feeling of how that one person can make everything else fade away.
| no.peace.los.angeles chapter 1 . 7/10/2006
Well, I'm not the hugest fan of the 3rd stanza, but that's mostly because there isn't really any imagery there compared to the first two. What I liked:
"dirty cuts in my lips" - vivid image
"like icecream drips/onto hot summer fingertips." - I love this image...clear and crisp
And I know people have been pointing out spelling mistakes, but they aren't spelling "disolves" right, either, in their correction. It should be "dissolve." I am a huge fan of that ice cream simile, though. Keep writing! :)
| Gilee7 chapter 1 . 7/9/2006
[would disolves like snowflakes] *disolve*
[the bruises on my tighs] *thighs*
[from 4 hours self-hate exercise] It's best if you spell out numbers. Might want to add an "of" after "hours" also.
The first stanza was by far the best. The snowflakes analogy is beautiful. I don't know if I understand the dirty cuts from "public toilet mistakes." I just get the image of oral sex, a girl just giving it out to total strangers; a glory hole type deal. But . . . how exactly would that cut your lip? I think I just have my mind in the gutter. I don't care if I understand it, though. It's a great first stanza.
Unfortunately, the poem goes downhill from there. The second stanza is decent. I do like the ice-cream analogy, though it reads a little awkward. I believe it could be worded better.
The ending of the poem just seems lazy and kinda cliche.
But still, that first stanza redeems the poem.
| breezy nostrils chapter 1 . 7/8/2006
wow that's like insane imagery at the beginning. nice work.
| Thorn's-girl chapter 1 . 7/6/2006
This one is very sweet and very sharp and very poignant. I like it.
| simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 7/6/2006
would disolves like snowflakes.. disolve (cuts disolve)
I like this so sad and depressing to happy.. I really love the one moment of infinity.. great piece
| Aquafied chapter 1 . 7/4/2006
self-hate exercise-wowthat is just amazing