|Reviews for The Tulip Boy|
| Jayko Marks chapter 2 . 7/3/2009
Oh my god! You have to write more. Does he get the Tulip Boy or not? He has to. I hate the idea of love at a distance.
| Shivas avatar chapter 1 . 7/8/2006
*tilts head* … *tilts head to the other side*
As far as stories go I suppose this first chapter was … cute.
To be honest though, it seemed overly frilly to me, trying to sound deep but lacking real depth. That and there just seemed to be some really blatant technical problems. For example;
1) You lack a unifying symbol. You have several lanes of thought … but you derail each one without smooth progression. We go from “boy screaming on roof” (and we only know it’s a boy because you mentioned in your caption about the piece that it was boyxboy piece) ~ to cutting in the bathroom ~ to mall (that scene change especially was really bad) ~ to “holy crap! Pretty boy!”
You could very easily set this up better. Start with the mall, and reference the other events (triggered by people/stores in the mall). IE- “he looks just like the first guy to call me a queer … I screamed my lungs out that night … finally sticking up for myself when he wasn’t around to hear” (or something like that, that’s more your style).
2) You set up mention of several “deep” topics. The moon being his only friend (draw it out … tell of old friends who betrayed or abandoned our protagonist). The stars making up their mind and bending the world to their will (draw it out … does the boy believe in fate? Did he always believe in fate? Stars are really fun images to play with). Blue eyes vs green eyes (I actually really liked this metaphor … they all look the same. With their same colored eyes, and their same vacant stares … again though, you gatta draw this out more. Does color matter – IE- Brown eyed boys like to beat him up, while blue eyed girls can’t look up from their multicolored purses to see that he’s in pain ~ etc for all eye colors ~ you can do a lot with this! Expand it!)
3) On a completely technical note … if someone screams bloody murder on a roof in the suburbs … isn’t their neighbors going to call the police (either in worry/or just because they want him to shut the hell up). Play with that though, it could be a fun side note (he screams to get rid of his emotions, then goes back inside to watch the cop cars drive by ~ or the police come and yell at him … thus the reason for the cutting … because when he expresses pain he’s punished, when it keeps it quit, its alright … even if it ends up hurting him more because of its less of an inconvenience to others).
4) Your description of love interest boy. Your imagery about him seems to sappy (though granted, maybe that’s understandable seeing its written in first person and our hero doesn’t seem to be the most articulate boy … despite a philosophical nature). Pick an image and stick with it (I kinda think it’d be cool to lose the “Pixie” stuff, and write it all as though describing a fairy … because double entandras are fun! ~ you could then also slip in the cliché “he looks magical / not of this world” type comments if so inclined.
5) Maybe from years of reading fan fiction (and later coming here and reading romance) … cutting seems to have lost its edge (no pun intended). Make it more personal … its first person POV … SHOW me that this kid needs to be in physical pain, because his emotional pain is that crippling. Tell me what it looks like in relation to how he feels (IE- “as the other boys teasing grew longer so did the cuts … once I had it wrap around my arm from wrist to shoulder. It would have been longer but mom finally started to notice when I bleed on my eggs, and I don’t want to hear another fucking lecture about how hard it is to get blood out of white carpets …” ~ or something like that). Simply put … make me empathize more with the kid...
6) Finally … I hate your title. Give me something that I can really sink my teeth into, because “Turnip boy” just isn’t cutting it for me (it sounds to simple … like a child’s story, rather then a love story).
I think this story shows some serious promise … but still needs to be cleaned up some. Hope my review helps ya!
| Early October chapter 1 . 7/7/2006
Very good. Love it. Update soon.