Reviews for Paint the Walls |
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randompoetry chapter 1 . 7/6/2006 Ah, so creepy and very disturbing and I loved the ending! |
Blehk chapter 1 . 7/6/2006 "before her sight was decapitated" - I'm not sure that's the best choice of word. You could use something else besides "decpatitated" here. "Each remaining nail scratched into the ground making the noise of dragging a sharp object across a black board." - Nice concept, but unless the floor is made of slate, nails against it won't make that sound. "He was so tempted to tear her clothes from her body, the imagine flashed in his mind." - "imagine" is a verb. "imagination" would work. Or do you mean "image"? And I'm pretty sure you should have a semicolon instead of a comma. "and threw the pain she already felt in each eye" - You mean "through". "He dropped her body on the ground and began to pull her clothing off her, making sure she was awake to feel it. Feel him feel her, hurt her, take her. His hands rummaged her burning skin, fondling her skin, appreciating it the way he felt he could. She felt ugly, dirty, but it didn’t matter much. Her body fell limp beneath him, she no longer struggled. That is, until he let his weight fall on top of her, crushing her lungs. Her hands, both, instantly shot up against his bare chest, pushing him up, hissing between her teeth sobbing." - Nice paragraph, but you use the word "felt" a lot. Try to have some variation here. "It instantly pierced threw and threw" - Again, "through" "The arms met the same fate, in a erotic pose to remain for all eternity" - Such terror. You're really good at this. Do you give lessons? Aside of a slew of grammatical errors, you've really got something. You need to develop some of the sentences, and just revise it. I liked it. Your description was explicit and fantastic. I just wish I hadn't just eaten dinner. Keep writing. |