Reviews for Betrayal
aims80 chapter 2 . 12/1/2006
I like what you've written so far. Chapter one set up the story and chapter two provided more substance and I'm looking forward to reading some more.
Weathered chapter 2 . 8/7/2006
Woohoo, thank God you updated this.

This chapter is better than the last one. The change in Solan's age helps with the plot, I'm sure, and I like the interaction between Darius and Lithara. Can't wait to see what happens next!
rvtolentino chapter 2 . 8/7/2006
i've reread the entire story from the first chapter down to this latest, and i saw and took note of what you've changed (Solan was nearly six in this updated version).

chapter 2 is more... meaty, i guess you can say that. we have more substance here; the drama is unfolding very nicely indeed. the conversations amongst the characters are outstanding; and the newly-introduced one like the Duke and the Lady Elana are well... refreshing. Lady Elana though reminds me of an Aes Sedai in Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time sans the mystery and the "i'll-bite-your-head-off" attitude, and Solan appears to be developing a spoiled prince characteristic.

Drayne has a strange side to him. back in chapter 1 he seems to be a subservient, harmless enough fellow-nothing more than a prop. however here he takes nearly center stage, and his cruelty is somewhat unbelievable after his treatment in the first chapter. and it seems also odd that Roth's objectives is just to raise Solan as the ruler of Davenport; he actually comes across as a power-hungry individual so it's kinda surprising that he'd go to great lengths-treason, at that-just to crown a six year-old boy because he was his former liege's rightful heir. somehow he should have just taken the rulership for himself-well he had, but he has a future plan on relinquishing it to Solan.

and the Renians suddenly took a backseat for politics. what happened to them? i thought the matter of their invasion was urgent-but as i see, it wasn't too urgent to forcefully replace a head of state! XD

oh, have i told you this before? i really enjoy your writing style. it seems elegant and refined... very much educated and stylish. it also lends an appropriate tone to the story, so i guess it's one of the best things i really liked about Betrayal, even more so than it's drama and a looming political power-play.

well that's about all i can comment on this chapter-and great job! i hope that the trend of your improving upon every chapter will stay true to the end. i will be keeping watch on this story!

~DD
rvtolentino chapter 1 . 7/11/2006
beautiful and well-done.

i thought this was just like any other fantasy fare that starts with an invasion or something, but foolish me, it was not that at all (or the first chapter was, at least, if you're going to continue it). the focus of the story shifts nicely from Darius and Roth to Darius and Lithara; and the intrigue goes more and more intense from beginning to end.

there were some histories here that you've wisely hidden (for now), like the invasion of the Renians and what happened two years ago, including how Darius and Lithara met. but that's merely the tip of the iceberg in the story, and i won't echo what you've mentioned but suffice it to say you've captured my interest in just over three thousand words. there's much of "what happened" in here that i guess it's inevitable readers would want to ask you to continue. like me, for example.

the principality thing of Davenport sounds like the Greek city-states of old, but without anything to come by i can't judge what timeline you've patterned this. maybe medieval or feudal era, but i'm not quite so sure. but enough of the rambling. it was good and the time was capably rendered, including the progression of time and such.

however Lithara was an exception to that-in a way that her character is unrealistic. two years inside a dungeon would be more than enough to break a man, and we could see that she is no man. i'm not being sexist here, but we could see that Lithara is not an emotionless, cold-blooded girl, and even if she was she'd still break. a month without seeing light, in the darkness and lying on your own stench and filth-it would mess with the sanity of any living being. either she possesses a godlike amount of willpower and wisdom, or you've overlooked this vital point in your story. a normal physical reaction to a sudden visit (like being blinded momentarily by light) is particularly absent, unless of course the warden or the dungeon master is giving her their own "visits", if you get what i mean. but her characteristics are very inconstant and fleeting, changing and fickle, that maybe this was your way of making her appear as having the dungeon madness?

at any rate the story was still captivating, especially the twist at the end. some sort of a wicked affair, which ultimately became the basis of the title. the characters are nicely written (except for Darius, the character whom i liked least), especially Roth who appeared impudent and had a darker motive as was revealed at the end. your style tends to be barebones at times but it gets the job done, and the flow of your words is engrossing.

keep writing and i hope to read more of your work!
Weathered chapter 1 . 7/11/2006
This is a really well-written beginning, and you should continue it.
tawnyfawn chapter 1 . 7/10/2006
Heehee. It's like an episode of Medieval fantasy Jerry Springer... "I slept with my mother's brother's cousins' sister's lover."

Okay, seriously now... That was very good. For a story that starts right in the middle, you managed to pack in a lot of information: the previous battles (to some extent), the stability of the kingdom, all the previous sordid love affairs (not neccessarily "loving" at all). So yes, good job.

Two things...

One, I thought that Lithara went from cat-like-seductress-sorceress-who-is-evil to broken-loving-wife a little too quickly. I get that her first impression is merely for show, but I don't think she would have let down her guard that quickly or completely.

Two, the head of the dungeons was too wimpy! I mean, he probably has to torture people and stuff, so he'd be a little more "evil" and twisted. AND he might be so wimpy because there (as you said) haven't been many people in the dungeons for years, but that too is unlikely because in the middle of the war the dungeons are sure to be filled with rebels/revolutionaries/traitors/the enemies soldiers/spies/etc.

Anyway, apart from those things, I thought this was a really nice start. Good job.
Kitsune Boy chapter 1 . 7/10/2006
I really like this so far. Please keep going (I want to read more).*adds story to favourites*