Reviews for The Bane of Rendsberg Part I
yuanyuan chapter 11 . 6/5/2010
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yuanyuan chapter 10 . 6/5/2010
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lijuan chapter 9 . 6/5/2010
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yuanyuan chapter 8 . 6/5/2010
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lijuan chapter 6 . 6/5/2010
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lijuan chapter 5 . 6/5/2010
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yuanyuan chapter 2 . 6/5/2010
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lijuan chapter 1 . 6/5/2010
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CJ Currie chapter 3 . 8/27/2009
Hehe, I'm going to try to be less picky in this one. I feel like I really grilled you in previous reviews, which isn't very fair when a lot of it was personal opinion only.

"did feel right" looked odd to me. Did you mean didn't feel right?

I really like how you truly capture the essence of being a child with this character. He is loving and naïve even when describing his father's abuse.

"A frown furrowed his brow" this struck me as an odd phrase. Somehow it doesn't seem like this verb works with anything besides one's self.

You have some great figurative language in here, but some such as "His teeth danced on his lower lip" are a little bit odd. Although, it could be a cultural thing, as I've always learned American English. What part of the world are you from?

"to live off the live of others" typo here.

"the Dead were unmoveable." Are they the Dead or are they the Guardians? Capitalizing it can make it confusing.

"He was still blood starved." It should probably be blood-starved, since it's a single word. Kind of.

"disturbances of the dust about the place" Maybe disturbances "in" the dust?

"not being able to find either, the original vampire or his old clothes," no comma after either.

"He would die three days without rest in the soil." Should there be an "in" between die and three?

I am confused about this returning to the soil thing. Wasn't he killed in the house? And I'm not sure what this line means: "He also found that he could home in on where he had left his soil." Maybe the "also" throws me off.

So this is an interesting take on vampirism. It really makes it look like they are the victims rather than the aggressors.

I peeked ahead to the next chapter. Because I am morbid myself, it would be interesting to see exactly what kind of torture the (still nameless) child got for being turned into a vampire.

Good work on this chapter.
CJ Currie chapter 2 . 8/25/2009
Heya, just a few things this time!

The little stuff:

Using phrases like "knew not" instead of "didn't know" usually sound trite unless they are used consistently throughout the work. Yours has the appropriate feel, and you use it in several places (i.e. "He knew nothing to do," "could take it no more"), so you just need to remember to keep that kind of archaic tone throughout the piece. Splitting infinitives like "any living sentient person to speak with." Deviates from this tone.

"before now and never was he had never been" Hehe, this was just an accident.

"His ears hurt deep into his head, and the tips felt as though they had been scrapped on rock. " Don't know what the first part means, but the second part should use "scraped" instead of "scrapped".

"He wanted to cry as he huddled in the oversized cloak his father had thrown at him, but his lungs still hurt from the water he had swallowed." This is a run-on, so use "but be couldn't, because his lungs still hurt" to clarify it.

"the confusion of noises" What noises?

"gathering warmth to himself from the cloak" One usually gathers "with" a cloak.

"He shivered as the darkness enshrouded his world." Is this figurative or literal? Could be both.

"The child blinked bleary eyed up" needs a comma after blinked and a dash after bleary (bleary-eyed). You could just use "blearily upward".

"snow covered, twisted" needs a dash between them and maybe use "and" instead of a comma.

"He wanted to go home. He wanted to be with his brother, who would let him cuddle in his warm bed. He wanted to return to his parents and sister, who were indifferent to him at best, but they were there." The pacing of this needs a semicolon instead of the last comma. Or make it two sentences.

"no matter how bad the stuff hurt his eyes" bad modifies hurt, so it needs the adjective form (badly).

"his stomach grumbled because of the lack of a beginning meal" needs clarification. Maybe "grumbled from lack of the beginning meal"? Is that breakfast?

"Jethro was doing this" Jethro "had" done it.

"He rubbed the tears from his eyes." I thought he wasn't crying any more? "He rubbed fresh tears from his eyes" would be good.

There are lots of things that could use rephrasing for clarity and fluency, such as "He had been truly part of the family then." - "He had truly been part of the family then." Just read it over aloud to yourself and you'll see, no problem.

"The child dug about in the snow to find some of the fungi that did not need the sun’s light to survive that he remembered his father collecting." Is too long. It could be "he dug in the snow. He had seen his father dig out some [opposite of photosynthetic] fungi."

"Johann was there for him then." Johann "had" been there. (Past perfect tense.)

"Any the less frightening" - "Any less frightening"

Eh, I'm going to go on to the big stuff now; you get the idea with the little things. (It would be easier work for an editor with a hard copy and a hot cup of tea.)

The big stuff:

"He survived two months like this." It is hard to believe that a child could survive that long on snow-tolerant fungi without shelter or water. Perhaps explain this more or shorten the time to a few days?

"yet to meet any living sentient person" perhaps explain about the people who aren't sentient, or else maybe rephrase that. Are sylphs, dryads and snow demons not sentient?

"train of vision" is not a common phrase. ¿Que es?

I don't know why, but the narrative got much better once Alteng got to the house. It seemed like you had more purpose and a better idea of what you wanted to write. Hehe, I have this same problem.

Perhaps you could explain why a small Kobold is so easily domesticated? He seemed awfully eager to swear allegiance to a stranger. Perhaps it's in their blood, which is why house kobolds exist and why other kobolds shun the human world.

When you switch from describing things from Alteng's perspective to the Vampire's (and I knew he was a vampire right away), make sure to show that. At the end there I couldn't figure out who was doing what at times.

Hey, this got better at the end. I look forward now to chapter 3. What happens to our protagonist?
CJ Currie chapter 1 . 8/10/2009
I have no idea what has already been commented upon, so I'll just give all of what I saw (or most of it, at least). From what I could see in the other reviews, it looks like this story has changed dramatically from its first form to its current.

"Oncoming Child" is an odd phrase. "Expected" would work best, and "forthcoming" is similar.

Instead of a "labyrinth mine," use "labyrinthine mine," which is an adjective-noun phrase.

Needs a comma: "The second son, if he survived(,) would..."

"god" should be capitalized since it's used as a title.

"There of" should be a single word in the way you used it when speaking about the dark places: "thereof."

Instead of "blonde," you mean "blond," which is the adjectival form of the noun.

I think Jethro's change of resolve from wanting to kill his child to wanting to save it could be smoother.

Instead of the child leaving (which would be difficult for a young and scared child to do), consider it standing there frozen in terror until Jethro leaves with Johann.

Overall, some of the language could have more action. A lot of the narrative is told in a very distant and passive voice. For instance, instead of "A cold wind made him shiver uncontrollably," you could say "He shivered uncontrollably in the cold wind." I've found in my experience that writing like this helps me to be more creative and engaging, too!

And that's all! It certainly is an interesting story. Can't wait to read more of it!

-CJ Currie
Tawny Owl chapter 12 . 5/17/2009
I like Madelyne - she seems very on the ball. Although not so much she's going to blow Lucifer's secret! And it was sweet when Hans refered to Lucifer as being like his dad. (Aww, he is sweet.)

It was also nice seeing inside a family of mine kobolds that weren't quite as strict as Lucifer's family. I was waiting for Madelyne's son to come home and cause problems though... Infact I enjoyed meeting the Preetz family and would have liked to spend more time with them, do we get to meet again?

It did seem a little bit like a strange place to end as well, because although Lucifer has confirmation that his siblings are alive and Hans has said goodbye to his parents it felt very abrupt (possibly becasue autumn came round quick and they were facing the open road again). I notice there's a couple of sequels posted though so I'm guessing they follow straight on.

Ok, so, pleasure to read this. The kobolds in your stories are an interesting race that I haven't come across before, and it was good fun reading about a vampire who is so different from mine. I like Lucifer, he was very easy to relate to becasue he has this huge scary curse, but he's still quite a generous and open person. Thanks for posting.
Tawny Owl chapter 11 . 4/21/2009
I liked the atmosphere you built up when Hans was saying good bye to his parents, and that you couldn't see the shadow creature made it more scary.

The sudden discovery that Lucifer could control blood was rather handy, and it seemed easy for him to do considering the trouble he had turning into a bat. I suppose he's older and wiser now though...Glad Hand made it though. He's too cute to die.

Lucifer drawing himself up to his impressive 3 foot 2 was a fantastic image. It was sweet that he heard his mistress singing when the shadow monster challenged him too.
Tawny Owl chapter 10 . 4/14/2009
Ha, the line about Lucifer having no sense of direction and that being his own unique curse made me laugh.

Hans was also very adorable trying to over come his fear as well, although there was a lot of repitition that the monster had gone. Which I can sort of see was needed becasue of Hans fear, but it felt like no new ground was being covered.

I am very curious about the Kobold killing monster, and the absence of bodies. The apperance of the pendant seems to be the first signs of proper tension in our hero's relationship as well. That could be interesting.

The image of Lucifer walking through the tunnesls with the bats getting the hell out of his way was a good one as well. Very traditionally vampiric. I enjoyed it.
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