Reviews for The Bane of Rendsberg Part I
Shadowhound chapter 9 . 9/29/2006
Interesting chapter. I like how you show a more day to day routine of Lucifer and Hans. Again, I'm curious about the limits to Lucifer's power. You mention his strength several times, but what can he not lift? How strong is he with his vampiric power?

Shadowhound
MyNameIsMad chapter 1 . 9/28/2006
Wow. That's all I can say. Just...wow. This was absolutely excellent. Your prose was awesome, your grammer mistakes were few and far between, and the story in general is coherent, and very engaging. You did a fine job on this one, and should be very proud of what you have accomplished. By the way, I'm in my fourth year of German classes, and am happy to know someone else knows what a Kobold really is. Kudos for that! Your Alteng screename is also a nice touch of German. Very good! Definately keep this up. You're a step ahead of the competition already!

-Mad

p.s. Thanks for reviewing me!
LadySni chapter 1 . 9/8/2006
I like this. Especially the part about Johann being a trickster. I think you explained Kobold tradition better here, and it was easier to understand put into the story.

Oh..."I like some really obscure music, and yes, a good many of the bands I listen to are louder than the bands you listen to! Try me!"

I have heard a couple Blindside songs, and they are quite loud, and I shall be getting their CD soon. So do you listen to stuff louder than that?
Shadowhound chapter 8 . 8/29/2006
Don't overestimate us humans too much. We do do some interesting things. Our imaginations, for instance. Where would this story be without you to tell it?

Lucifer is 85 in this chapter. What is the average time a kobald spends as a child? Do they mature at the same rate as humans, or at a Kobald rate? If the latter, how long is that? The grilling begins...

Lucifer spent a lot of time with the humans, or near the humans. He knows what and who the original Lucifer is, so why does he continue to go by that name? If you had a choice about your own name, would you rather be Leslie or Satan?

I liked the idea of the Rendsberg patriarch putting up a spell to hide the house, and loved the idea of him trying to keep Lucifer in the dark about where it was, but you ruined it for me. My own fault, really. I had only read half the first paragraph before writing something down. Then went and read the rest which contradicted my previous comment. I get that the house was destroyed, and it ties into why Johannes and Hannah went to live at Cuxhaven. But I still like the idea of Papa Rendsberg desperately trying to keep Lucifer from coming home.

Again, I'm noticing you're incorperating Lucifer's powers into the story more. Just be careful not to over do it. Which brings me to another question, one I probably asked before. Did the vampire target Lucifer because of the color of his hair, or just because he wanted to? How did the Customs play into that, if they did at all?

Interesting chapter. I hope to read more soon. Even better, hopefully I will be able to read it the day you post it! Sorry, I had to explain to another author that the reason four days had passed between his posting a chapter and my reading it was because of a schedule that gets busier by the hour. Oh well, I hope to see the next chapter of this soon.

Shadowhound
Shadowhound chapter 7 . 8/20/2006
I'm confused about why the son didn't know about Lucifer. His father employed the vampire, and the son knows the spirit is there, I don't really understand why they didn't converse.

He can turn into a bat? I don't remember that in the previous version. I like how you are expanding on his vampiric traits more.

Interesting that he was driven off by a Christian. I guess no one is safe from them. Wait, is the man who dismissed Lucifer Christian? He makes a reference to Satan, so I'm making assumptions about his religion.

Enter Hans...

Good three chapters. Again, I'm sorry it took so long to get to them. It's odd. I like how you go about altering things. The basics are the same, but you're going into new depths about what occurs. Interesting. I look forward to the next chapter. Hopefully, it won't take me a week to get to it.

Shadowhound
Shadowhound chapter 6 . 8/20/2006
Interesting that the farmer says he wouldn't have minded Lucifer if he was his human son. Then he does get a human son. I wonder how his perception of Lucifer changes.

I like how the farmer wants his children taken care of, but what do they want? I imagine that since they grew up around Lucifer they don't object to is presence, but I'm not sure. Time for the next chapter.

Shadowhound
Shadowhound chapter 5 . 8/20/2006
Arg! Sorry, that was self directed. I'm sorry it has taken me this long to read the three new chapters.

I like how you go into more detail about Lucifer's time with the humans. Interesting that you don't give them names. Adds a layer of subservience to his character when he doesn't even think of them as names. Interesting.

Shadowhound
Shadowhound chapter 4 . 8/2/2006
Interesting chapter. I'm glad I can stop calling the main character 'the currently nameless child.' Lucifer works a lot better and is easier to write.

One main question I have with this. Why does the man of the house allow a vampire to work for him? I get that he needs work done and that his wife wants the poor child to be allowed to stay, but Lucifer IS a vampire. Which does he need more? The work around the house done or a pain in his neck? Fear drives most people's decisions in situations like that. Despite however cute and trusting-looking Lucifer is, he is still a vampire in the eyes of the farmer. Why was he so easily swayed to allow a vampire to stay? What happened to good old fashioned religious fear and superstition? I can't help but think of the Salem witch trials where so many people were killed just because of superstition and fear.

Anyway, I enjoyed the chapter. I just have a bad habit of picking one thing out and ranting and raving about it. Anyway, I hope to see more soon.

Shadowhound
Barbados chapter 2 . 7/25/2006
my review was supposed to say that the dropdown labels it as part three, but FP cuts out repeats of a single letter... in this case, three Is, so it showed up as I. Chapter title is two, dropdown says three. That was the point.
Barbados chapter 2 . 7/25/2006
Ok, first... the chapter title says II, but the dropdown thing says the chapter is called Part I... and this is all within Part I, so parts are getting a little muddled here. I get that part 1 has multiple parts, or chapters, but I don't get why this is both part two and part three of it. Moving onto the story.. the line "With the disappearing rays of the sun came the freezing night cold." sounds a little off. I think switching night and cold would fix it nicely. I would also suggest more varied sentence openers. You tend to use 'the' 'he' and 'although' a lot, but few words ending in 'ing' or 'ed.' There are a couple places you used the word 'and' when the word 'but' would have been a better choice. "They didn't taste as good as he remembered them and they did not fill the empty space in his gut and he would survive." The second and would be better off as but, as an example. With the paragraph starting, "One evening, when they heavy sky spoke of snow..., something different happened..." That was neat, until you didn't get to the something different until three paragrpahs later, which mmade that sentence seem kind of disconnected from what was going on. I mentioned an near info-dump feeling in chapter one. This chapter has no such feeling, you did a great job with that. I think it was all the background info in the first chapter that did it, and not the lack of dialogue after all. "A desk sat in the corner. It sat lopsied because of a broken leg." Combine these two sentenes into one stronger sentence. Ok.. "He would very much like to be with Johann again... but he knew such things were not possible again. He looked down at his new clothes again." Two too many agains. Try eliminating the gain after possible, and changing the second sentence to 'He looked back down at his new clothes.' As for the story in general... o! Neat!
Shadowhound chapter 2 . 7/22/2006
Sorry it took me so long to get to this. I've been busy. Anyway, the review.

Interesting chapter. I see a lot of differences with what I remember of the previous edition I read of this.

When I first started reading this chapter I thought you might have a problem showing the child-like nature of the currently namesless child, let's just call him 'Lucifer' for short. Your previous writing has been full of details and descriptions that an adult would notice, but a child wouldn't take into account. Congratulations on this chapter and making Lucifer appear child-like in this environment.

Good job.

Shadowhound
Barbados chapter 1 . 7/16/2006
I think it's neat that Jethro has never met or even SEEN a human before. Watch out for the redundant line at the end of paragraph two. It pretty much says the same thing as the first line from paragraph three. Again, I love the depth of this story (as relates to traditions, customs, etc.) The lack of actual dialogue almost makes it feel like an infodump, but it never quite gets that bad. You always manage to pull away to the present just in time. I noticed a few minor errors here and there, nothing that reading your work out loud wouldn't solve. All in all, it's a good beginning. I'm not sure if I should wait for an update here, or go on to later chapters with the other posting. I sent you an e-mail about it, so get back to me soon. Good job all in all!
hiro0911 chapter 1 . 7/16/2006
A well-improved version from the previous 'already-good' work. Well-written as usual with vivid descriptions backed-up with good play of words. Not too much speaking lines though, and it is too early to give a review when it comes to terms with this post.

sorry for not reviewing lately. I've been busy with my personal duties. Its hard for me to find time with my laptop. I'll be back soon _

Take care,

hiro
Fiore Chnudth chapter 1 . 7/13/2006
A revised edition you here present.

I think the chapter in general is written well, but then again, I never offered criticism on the first chapter, so I much look forward to the next revised chapters. :-)

I like the first chapter with its introduction into Kobolds. Much good stuff there with the Customs especially.

One point of criticim may be the length of the paragraphs. If possible keep them a bit shorter in the future. But don't let this criticism take away from it (still) being a good first chapter.
Shadowhound chapter 1 . 7/11/2006
Nice first chapter. Jethro, aside from having a hillbilly name, is an interesting character. You do a better job in this opening chapter than you did in the previous version. Jethro is a lot more conflicted in this version.

I like this version.

Good job and I hope to see more soon.

Shadowhound
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