|Reviews for The Bane of Rendsberg Part I|
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 8 . 1/30/2009
I'm back! This was a good chapter, though I think it was a bit fillerish. It did let in on both characters thoughts and that's always a plus, but the paragraphs were rather large. Aah! It was so funny when Lucifer was trying to get Hans out into town. Too cute.
Good work, I hope Lucifer finds his brother. Wherever Preetz is. Hmm. Sounds like a good adventure . . .
| Tawny Owl chapter 8 . 1/29/2009
I liked Lucifer's predicament about wanting to protect Hans from creatures liek him! It was a bit disconcerting to suddenly to suddenly switch to POV's, I know you've done it before but it felt like this time teh style changed a bit - that could just be me though.
It was interesting to see Lucifer through someone elses eyes though.
Hans is a lot like Lucifer when he was younger, but I do like the way he can do things Lucifer can't.
Lucifer also seems to do a lot of winking in this chapter, which did get a bit reptitive after a while.
I'd forgotten about the bonding ritual. It's good to see it come back and be useful, and I'm glad there's still some hope for Lucifer. Can't help wondering how his brother will react to seeing him again though.
| Black Lotus Flower chapter 2 . 1/28/2009
Good chapter. The descriptions made it come to life. I do agree with your A/N but I'm sure it gets better in later chapters like you said. (Which I will read the next time I have spare time)
I liked the way you ended it. It left the story in suspense and makes the reader want to continue reading to find out what happened, so good job!
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 7 . 1/24/2009
The name Schonberg makes me smile for some reason. I just think it's so cool. :)
This chapter was cool, I liked it. Going through all the generations like that, I wish I had your patience. I can't believe that man sent Lucifer away though, how rude and wrong.
Aww, and Lucifer's only three feet tall? So short. XD I wonder what he'll find when he finds his family again, but for today, I must rest my tired eyes. Tomorrow, I will be sure to continue reading and hopefully get to the second part. This story is just too cool.
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 6 . 1/24/2009
Oh, too sad. My eyes got a bit watery toward the end. T.T This was a tragic chapter, I wish things didn't have to go that way, but they must. It was still terribly, terribly sad.
I hope these kids aren't snots, cause if they are, Lucifer should kill them. o.O This chapter was just too sad, though.
But I must say, I had a feeling the mistress was having a child, I just wasn't so sure. I thought she really might have been sick as well.
Excellent chapter, every word was a work of art. Good job. Velvet.
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 5 . 1/24/2009
Oh, no, what's going on? It's like a mother dog pushing her puppies away and it's just so sad to watch. Do they not care? Do they tire of him? So sad.
I thought the relationship between farmer and Lucifer was so funny. Lucifer always hugging him. XD I'm so glad that Lucifer is getting older too, but what the freak is going on with the family? I'm so confused and I really have to find out now.
On to the next chapter! Good work on this one, by the way.
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 4 . 1/24/2009
Hah, too cute. Lucifer. It's great but sad at the same time. Ah well.
As I was reading this chapter, I was struck with the idea of Frankenstien and his monster, how the monster watched the family and wished to be able to live with them like a normal human, kind of like how Lucifer watched the children and wished he could play. How he picked up on their language like how the monster picked up french. Cool.
Seeing this all through the eyes of a child makes the story somehow better, more innocent and approachable for a vampire tale. The not being able to walk into the house part was interesting, but I feel confused on Lucifer's image.
His hair must be long and grungy by now, and I realize his ears are pointed, but what of his physical? I just couldn't get the thought of the farmer lifting him up by the back of his shirt like one would a kitten or puppy out of my head. Perhaps the next chapter will dawn some light on the situation?
Good work nonetheless, this story is awesome. I love it.
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 3 . 1/24/2009
What? No name? Hmm. Well, I feel terribly sympathetic towards this kid. He didn't do anything wrong except have black hair and now he's a vampire? That's terribly cruel. Oh well. It makes for a great story!
I like your take on vampires, very bram stoker-ish with a modern twist to it. Very interesting. Though, I must say, the Death spirits make me angry, and the Guardian spirit as well. I mean, he was doing his job, but man if he couldn't have helped the kid.
The next chapter sounds promising, so that's it for this review. Good work on it. :)
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 2 . 1/24/2009
Argh! What happened? Was that freak a vampire or a human? Oh, the poor little Kobold, so alone and cold. I'm surprised he didn't die in those two months, but childrem tend to be amazingly resilient and adapt so much easier than adults.
Hooray, gonna find out his name! Very enthused. There was one sentence at the beginning that got me:
"before now and never was he had never . . ." I don't know what you were going for there.
Otherwise, a very excellent chapter, I liked it. I just wished that mystery figure had given his name. So intriguing. Good work.
| Black Lotus Flower chapter 1 . 1/24/2009
This is very well written but I do have a little bit of a critique. There was barely any dialog and it made it seem like it dragged. It could be because it was the first and opening chapter but because of the chapter's length the lack of dialog made it seem a slight bit longer.
However, your descriptions did serve to set the tone of the story and a good setting. It's also obvious that you researched the topic, so good job!
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 1 . 1/20/2009
Argh! I reviewed, but I accidentally clicked the close button and it all disappeared. T.T
Well, it was something along the lines of, good story, you've got great description and the plot is well laid out. Also, I was sort of pissed off at Anja for not protecting her own son and her blatant heartlessness. I just wanted to say that the paragraphs were also a bit big and could do with some breaking up.
Good story, I will return later on to read more, but I must be off. Nice work.
| Tawny Owl chapter 7 . 1/17/2009
This chapter covered an awful lot of ground, and the character change in Lucifer was obvious, although a little bit jarring because although he's all grown up now I still had a mental picture of him being young.
I liked the way he became the spirit of the barn though, and I'm guessing the current generation got rid of him for religious reasons, or because they were scared of what they didn't know.
Would Lucifer's family still be alive? how long do Kobold's live for? I presumed Lucifer was so old because of he was a vampire. It will be interesting to see how they'll react to him, or if they remember him.
| Harmonic Discord chapter 1 . 1/9/2009
"Jethro was a normal enough Kobold, who stood a hair over the average 3'2" with shaggy unkept brown hair with darker brown streaks in it." - I feel like there's too much description too fast. The flow is generally better if you can manage to weave character descriptions into the storyline.
His coal black eyes watched over his wife and children asleep on the straw bed. Her face - I'm assuming "her" refers to the wife, but it's rather unclear.
I think... you a hook for this story. My advice would be to try starting with slightly shorter paragraphs and more action toward the beginning and allow the description of the Kobalds to unfold as the chapter progresses. You've clearly done a ton of thinking and planning about your world, which is excellent and clearly shows through here - just fix up the order of presentation a little.
"A gasp of a cry came from his wife, and the children stirred. It was time. His third child would soon be born. Within the hour, Jethro had delivered his son and held the blood covered infant in his hands. Unlike his other two children, this child was born with thick black hair plastered to his scalp."
Seriously? That's probably the fastest birth scene I've ever witnessed, haha. I think you could elaborate on this a little.
The story definitely picks up in interest after the birth of the son, and I thought you pulled off the near drowning scene with aplomb. You captured Jethro's and Johann's emotions quite well. Overall, this was quite a fun read.
| Tawny Owl chapter 6 . 1/9/2009
Lucifer is so innocent - I loved the way he thought he was causing his masters death.
things didn't go as badly as they could have done though. and I'm very jealous of the way you manage to keep the story going without alot of dialogue.
| Tawny Owl chapter 5 . 1/9/2009
You used as a result twice in the first paragraph which wasn't really needed.
I did like Lucifer's confusion at not having a reflection - and the description in this was very vivid and made it enjoyable to read.
Things had to start going wrong again, didn't they? poor Lucifer. i wonder what it is that he's done.