|Reviews for Tsubasa Reverse|
| Noihseret chapter 14 . 1/12/2007
say, how did that Diemos kid get to the city? and if Diemos have the coal mark and horns, what does that make Blanc? hm... very interesting...
| Noihseret chapter 13 . 1/12/2007
o... Blanc, huh? this story is just getting more interesting with every chapter! what's Noir going to do now?
| WyrdWolf chapter 2 . 1/12/2007
Nive seems to have his heart in the right place, which is good for any warrior. I do wonder what his path is now that he's been exiled from the Judges...even if he were to die at Godhand's...er...hand.
I presume, though, that his life will be spared? That usually happens when the executor and execute lock lips.
I'd say more, but time is not on my side. Avast!
| The Breakdancing Ninja chapter 3 . 1/6/2007
The first paragraph was a good opener. If I had read from the other chapter into this one, it would've been a relief. I get reader's fatigue pretty easily (hence the short chapters for Thread Breaker) and usually need a lot of breaks in between action. The last chapter was a lot of fun, though, so I'm still sort of in fun-expecting mode.
[the air stank of sweat and spent potions, and he thought he might gag if he wasn’t too weak to rise.] I don't understand why a lot of writers stay away from sordid details like these. These are among my favorite-scatological references, dust, mud, facial blemishes, the works. I think idealistic writers will always perceive a beautiful world, so there's never any room for details like these.
[The King… Nive felt his head try to explode with the memory. Yes, he had fought with the Devil King… the one who called himself—or herself—Morrigan, a queen of the fallen Elder Race, the Merihim.] I have to keep this in mind; when I read Noir's small dialogue about the King ruining Nive, I was about to correct some pronouns, but I thought: Nah, DD can't be that careless. I was right. Now, it's up to my goldfish memory to keep this in mind. Now I'm thinking I should've read The Devil King before reading this one, but hey-shi kata ga nai.
[And she… she was once a girl called Morgan, twisted beyond redemption and his help.] This isn't needed. The paragraph is a comparison between Morrigan's power and Nive's, and their last encounter.
[“You are not my master anymore, Noir.”] Christ. She could be -my- master anytime. rofl
Okay, let me try to follow. Astaroth, the lackey of Morrigan, razed Esterhall to the ground because he's trying to get to Nive, but right now, Nive is hiding out with Noir at the border city of... Schlossburg (spelled that wrong, where he is recovering from a near-death stunt that Noir pulled in order to "save" his life. That's where a new reader like myself is supposed to be at, right? The battle between the Alliance and Harmonia isn't linked to Esterhall, right? It's sort of fuzzy; I remember Kera and the Knight Commander talking to this messenger who said he'd seen it all before. I'm trying to keep everything in mind, just in case. I'm a particularly slow reader and even slower to comprehend plots and so forth. So, if you're publishing these soon, you'll see how readers in the slower, less intelligent range fair with the Tsubasa series. XD;;
It's creepy seeing Noir fawning over Nive. Granted, we haven't known her for very long, but the cold, hard Noir is sitting here, pressing her finger to Nive's lips. I mean, she's still characterized as the cold, hard badass we saw in the last chapter, but it makes her affectionate addresses and lip-touching sort of... well, weird.
[“Alas, why Morrigan would want to take thee when she hath ignored thee thus far is beyond my ken. I mean to know why, nevertheless, ere it consumes us all.”] Maybe Morrigan is bored and needs something to do. Either that, or she needs Nive for something only he could do. [. “Dost thou not see? She had let thee escape the ruin of Duskfell because she knowest that she has a use for thee yet.] Ohh! Two points for me!
[She clasped her hands behind her back. Nive realized there was no window in the room, and that it was in fact smaller than he first thought it to be.] This was a good observation to have mid-way through the conversation. Ah, the realism of this story!
[“I…I lost the Ice Serpent when I battled Morrigan,” he answered after a while. “I think Hyounagi saved my life.”] So, the Ice Serpent, or Hyounagi is... an Azoth? Which is the equivalent of a summon or a guardian, right? (I know, I'm slow. rofl)
[“Dung-brained blind fool,” she remarked icily, her back still turned. “It was not Hyounagi who saved thee, but Morrigan’s mercy.] Missing a quotation mark at the end there. And I would either choose "Dung-brained" or "blind" so the word "fool" has more emphasis.
["She hath laid a curse on thee belike the one that hath been attempted to be laid on the Elders, nearly two centuries ago.] Hm... possibly, "She hath laid a curse on thee belike the one attempted on the Elders, nearly two centuries ago."
I know that Noir is ancient and wise (the chapter asserts this), but her deductions seem fixated; I mean, she's divulging author information too neatly to have the same spontaneous flow of a real conversation. If the story stated that maybe she had been contemplating things like this, like Morrigan wanting Nive for a reason, and sparing him but sealing his powers, then it would give me some relief. Right now, the chapter looks like it's feeding me information.
Now, if she offered a LOT of different deductions, or what she said seemed like a vague tangent, if she offered some sort of supposition through a myth, story, or rumor, or even if she was just ironically correct with all her assessments about this Morrigan business and the story recognized this, then it would be a little better. But the story is just letting her go on and on without keeping her in check. If I were playing Battleship with her, I would think she was cheating and looking at what I had (if I were the story, I would think she knows the plot before I do).
[He groaned. He had forgotten how old she was, regardless of her seeming youth. She—or ‘he’, as he thought she was back then—had told him once that she had been alive even before the Great War] The comma would go in the quotations.
[She was one of the fallen, the Elders, the last of the Unsullied as they called themselves, whose blood were of pure human lineage rather than the debased mirror-images of the Elves that humans were now.] This is an awesome concept. Stories usually see the Elves as a perfect version of humans, and humans are just the evolutionary fallback or some ugly misshapen thing that came from the Elves. A pure human race known as the un-dirtied gives readers an idea that humans were a supreme race, instead of pathetic creatures.
[“I had been young, and inexperienced and foolish besides.” Her voice had been low but strangely flat.] Probably an "and" instead of a "but", because low voices aren't a contrast to flatness.
[“Why haven’t I known that you were a woman?”] This is the type of tangent that I like in conversations. Okay, so Noir basically said: "Dude, I'm like a billion years old. You don't think I know about the shit teenagers pull?" And Nive's thinking about something else and basically says to Noir: "Dude, I didn't know you were a chick." Which elicits (sp?) a total WTF? response from Noir. lmao
[“Thou very well knowest that I cannot assimilate the Azoth of an Elder.”] Okay, so elders have these summon thingies, too. And Elders are refered to as Artificers? And Noir's type can devour their souls, or like, physically?
Oh. She pimp slapped him. I think that the interaction between Kera and her Knight Commander is extremely sexually charged compared to this one. Maybe I have something against a submission of men to female masters... even though I have a bunch of it in my own story. rofl! Or maybe it's because the love between Kera and her superior is like, forbidden-him being married and all.
I'm confused about how the Kokugama relates to how she got the awesome nodachi blade she has in her possession. And the Black Scythe-that isn't a Japanese translation, is it? It doesn't sound like one. I'll try to be less neurotic. I just want to be able to keep up with the story and make sure that I'm understanding everything. I'm feeling bad that she keeps pimp slapping him all over the place. rofl
[“I… I’m sorry,” he said through the mush of blood from his lips, its cloying, metallic tang on his nostrils.] I feel like... stealing this description. LOL
And here she is, calling him "my love" right after pimp slapping him. She creeps me out, seriously. Though she has a hotness factor of plus nine with a hockey stick.
[His master was an unflappable tower of strength, an indomitable crag against which the waves of the vicissitudes of life had broken themselves against.] This sentence glares! Holy crap-what happened with this one small sentence, in a myriad of subtle, effective and yet eloquent descriptions!
[She nodded and smiled, and took a clean piece of cloth from her waist. She used it to dab lightly at his broken lip and he felt her gentle hands reassuring.] holy shit, if she took out a cloth and was ready to touch my face after beating the shit out of my lip, I would recoil. Or I'd smack her hand away. Or I'd whine about the sting of the cloth or about how she split my mouth in two. And I'd be like: "Dude. What are you doing? I'll wipe my face myself, holy crap!"
[“Because I love thee,” she answered in a murmur, using his name for the first time since he had stowed away, her voice low and sad. Her eyes were filmy. “Not only as a mother to her child, or a friend to a friend, but also… as a woman to a man.”] This was hot.
[He looked up. “Journey? Where am I suddenly going?”] I think "suddenly" should be omitted.
[“You told me she’s too powerful to fight against!” Her contradictions were irritating him. Why shouldn’t she just tell him straight what she wanted to say?] Yeah, I know! She should give him a friggin' map and an instruction manual of how to get the Azoth and what weakpoints Morrigan has, and also if she has any status effect magic, because we all know that status magic is a bitch to deal with.
[“What do you really want, Noir?” “Redemption,” she said, turned her back to him, and faced the door. “Now rest, thou shalt go tomorrow at first light.”] I wonder what Morrigan did to Noir?
[“Damn you and all your mysteries, Noir.” He ground his teeth. “Do you think I will take orders from you again? I will not! And be damned with this fabric!” He wrung the blood-stained cloth, almost comically.] LMFAO! Damn you and all your mysteries, and your level ninety-nine hotness-damn that I have to listen to you! Seriously, I think she sort of manipulated him. Can you imagine what kind of relationship they'd be in? Nive: "Honey, what's wrong?" Noir: "-PIMPSLAPS.- I told you not to ask me questions like that, dung-brain!" Nive: "D:! Abusive!" Noir: "omg I'm sorry, I love you. Here. Let me sew up that broken lip of yours." Nive: ":3 Ok." LOL
[“For in fact that is something I have counted for. Seek the Ice Serpent once again, Thousand-Slayer Snow Blade. Find it ere she finds thee.”] Maybe "accounted for" instead of "counted for"?
[And as Noir Shinyuki, Artificer Majora of the Second Order walked down the corridor, she bowed her head and gathered her fists, her thoughts burning her with shame and guilt. I have saved thee for this purpose, Nive. Forgive me.] Holy crap, she WAS using him! Jesus mother of hell, what a badass! Alright, her coolness factor went up by six points. So she's plus fifteen with a hockey stick, at level ninety-nine for hotness.
This went by pretty fast and it was extremely enjoyable. I'm unsettled a little by Noir's omnipresence, though I know it was intentional. She's extremely uber compared to Nive at this point, so I could only imagine what Nive will be by the end of the story.
Their character relationship is strange, but I dig it. My favorite facet of this particular chapter was the illustration of pain and incapacitation. I think it was rendered extremely well. Of course, I love the details in this story and I'm probably going to be spoiled to death midway through and I'll expect EVERY chapter to have the same dynamic descriptions. So far, so good!
Concerning your review: I went through and edited chapters three and five (though you haven't gotten to five, yet, I don't think), and did the best I could to fix the details you mentioned before I was satisfied with this latest version I uploaded; I really appreciated the time you took to write up a review on what bothered you. On account of its hackney-factor, I don't think there's much I could do for its beginnings, though there are infinite possibilities for it the more the story delves-or at least, that is my hope. Thank you very much for bringing up some discrepancies in your criticisms, and I hope you won't give up on the story just yet.
Visit the site soon, and I'll try to be back to review the next few chapters this upcoming week. Winter session is starting and work starts up again, but I'll still have time.
Rock on, D.
| Dhul Fiqar chapter 6 . 1/6/2007
Another excelent chapter- I especially like the ending. You italicise a lot - does 'insurance' really need that much emphasis? Anmd will you please explain what an Ironclad actually is. Lovely poem/incantation at the end there- do we have demons approaching now?
| WyrdWolf chapter 1 . 1/5/2007
Ah, I like the use of the bold italics. They represent the sounds well.
Fifteenth war, hm? Wow, the world's really been swept into chaos. That's almost a war every ten years. This Alliance looks to take this one, though, with its incredibly massive army. This mysterious prophet-like man is interesting-they were already evacuating the roya family, weren't they, or was that just the king?
Yes, they definitely have no chance. Still, if they heed his words, maybe Harmonia will.
| JJSLAM2129 chapter 14 . 12/31/2006
'Hate' is very strong word. Frustrated maybe. Perhaps melancholy. C'mon, what's there to hate (albeit this was a very long pause)?
Astaroth... the same Astaroth from 'The Devil King'? Hm, Interesting, very interesting. Should have put a note for others to read that; they might not catch that. One must wonder though, how the Deimos child ended up in that town/city. Herm, well, I'll wait to find out, I suppose.
Okay, now with the description of the Deimos boy and the fact that they mark coal on the forehead because of horns, I really am starting to wonder... Blanc ? Deimos? I get suspicious (sp?) very easily and perhaps I'm delving too much... Just a thought.
As it's rather late for me and it's the beginning of the New Year, I'm not going to check much for grammar... Ugh, and I hate sinitus... sneeze
Anyhow, have a wonderful New Year and I'll be waiting for another update, hopefully soon. Stupid FP system is down again; I'm not getting any alerts! Argh! ( :: )
BTW, love the blog page! .
| The Breakdancing Ninja chapter 2 . 12/31/2006
Review replies and chapter alerts are shot to hell. I've been getting e-mails left and right this past week, and now I realize that we're going to have to do this the manual way.
The Cruzada soldiers are big giant walking, talking molars. That's what I imagined; I've never read of an army in white armor-let's discount Macross, Gundam, etc., because they're robots. The opening of this (again) sounds like something that could be in Final Fantasy Tactics, except the characters would be horribly super-deformed, which would detract from the regal quality of their timed march.
[Few Judges needed horses; they could outrun most mounts even with armor, and they fight even more fiercely on foot.] I have to get rid of the notion that all judges are fat, sniveling men in black that have perky-breasted assistants. LOL
I wonder why Nive deserted the judges, anyway. Was it too corrupt, or did he have a different calling?
[his half-foot-wide great sword bared and stabbed at the floor, held by the pommel.] Holy mother of mercy! He's got a HUGE sword. That's like-the Buster sword! Without the materia slots, I mean. lmao
The description of the judge was amazing. It has this cinematic sequence, from top to bottom, every single description shows his superiority and intimidating presence. I've always wondered about spiked shoulder armor-is it for when a soldier bum-rushes another one? Is that the utility of it, I mean? I don't know very much about weapons or armor (I know, I know. Don't throw tomatoes at me, rofl!).
[as the black one called Godhand turned to face him with a flourish of his cloak and regarded him with those unnerving blue eyes, the ones that judged and weighed—those merciless blue pools of knowledge and power.] Probably the "those" before "merciless" should be omitted. Puts much more emphasis on the eyes.
[Godhand looked up and held out a gauntleted palm as the snow fell again, light as a maiden’s shy kisses.] I love the description of the snow in this line; I haven't been in snow myself, but I can imagine it's kind of like... flaky rain. Yeah, that wasn't so poetic, but I think the lightness of a maiden's kisses is both easy to imagine -and- comprehend.
[“Indeed? Is that the truth of it?” The Judge put a hand on his waist, an imperious gesture which he was well-known for. “Then pray tell me the reason that I seest a Silberkreuz seal on thy chest, good sir.”] Hm... how about "Thus pray tell the reason I doth see a Silberkreuz seal on thy chest, good sir."? It's efficient and a bit more accurate... I think. lmao
[He gritted his teeth. “To remind me of how low you Conclave dogs have become. You contemplate attacking a neutral and defenseless country for a misguided cause. You make me ill.”] This guy has a badass factor of like, ten for being a freedom fighter, and for telling someone like, ten ranks above him that he makes him sick. He's excellent. I love your way with dialogue; it always has a sense of dignity.
[“If thou hast stayed, thou should hast been enlightened, Eventide.”] Edit: "If thou hath stayed, thou wouldst been enlightened, Eventide." I had to call someone up for that one. lmao
[“I had stayed, I would have become a murdering devil like you.”] Edit: "Had I stayed", correct?
[“Kill me, Noir, as you have killed babes and women before. If you are a true knight, that is.”] This was sexcellent. I like this guy's saucy mouth! lol! I don't know if I enjoy him as much as the humble Knight Commander from the first chapter-I take that back. Kera pwns all.
[There was a note of a sigh on the Judge’s voice.] "in" instead of "on" for sure.
[Bright purple light erupted from the Judge’s hand, like he was holding a seething sun, its rays spilling from his fingers and its light illuminating the entire plaza in a dizzying hue of violet.] Edit: "its rays spilling from his fingers and illuminating the entire plaza".
[light exploded into sparkling stardust and coalesced into his grip, gradually materializing into a black-bladed katana, longer than any great sword, its hilt over half the length of an ordinary long sword.] HOH SHIT! This is awesome! They have created replicas of a few famous swords, like Sephiroth's Nodachi, Link's Master Sword, Cloud's Buster Sword, I think you could see them on I would totally take a Nodachi and paint it all black... even though that would be an incredibly stupid idea on my part. XD!
[Glittering little shards exploded outward like a sudden torrent of confetti, like infinitely small mirrors that reflected the light of the sun,] This description was gold; I had a description for something chapter three of my story, and I was LOOKING for something like this in my terribly small brain, but couldn't find what I needed and settled for "glittering dust" I think. Don't throw tomatoes at me! I feel at a total loss. It's like the guy who invented rollerblades watching another inventor advertsing a rockin'ass awesome pair of rocket-powered hover boots. And, mind you, the guy who invented rollerblades didn't REALLY invent rollerblades, he just think he did: I'm that guy. I'm that guy watching this masterpiece jump to life.
[the apple on his throat bobbing nervously, a few hairs’ width from being pierced itself.] yikes. holy crap. I would probably cry or something.
[“It was I who had taught thee the higher mysteries of the world, Eventide,” Noir declared. “It was I who had rescued thee from certain death, and I who had unlocked thy potential to use the power that I had revealed. We art as images of one another and yet thou turned thy back on all of it.”] The "Noir declared" part is italicized when I don't think it means to be.
[“I can sense the sakki from thee, Eventide, rage and all instinct, fury and crimson. But dost thou think for a moment that thou can raise your power above me? I, who had made thee who thine are, who had given thee everything that thy have become? I am everything that thou have. I am thy identity.”] Question: the sentence "I am everything that thou have" should be "thou hast", no? I'm confused. I want to be an authority on this sort of thing so I don't have to feel like an ass cheek about it. LOL
[“Then do it, quickly,” he answered. “I will never go back.”] Holy shit, man, Nive is friggin' ballsy. I'd be like, "OK let's do it, just don't kill me" lmao. I'm such a coward.
[He was looking at the face of a woman, no older than him, those cold accusing eyes like icicles in his soul. Her long silver hair fell down elegantly around her, so full and luxuriant that reached to her thighs, that Nive wondered how they fit inside her helm without being wrinkled, they were so straight.] LMFAO! HOLY FRIGGIN'ASS SHIT! jsegjkhk
Okay. I needed only a few minutes to get over that. I was over here, reading as if this were some type of anime, shit, I saw it all happen as if it were playing beneath my eyelids. I thought that the judge was a bulky, muscly dude, but it's a friggin' hotass chick!
[Wisps of her fine crown billowed around her, an aura of moon-essence fringing her armored body.] This delicate description is wonderful. It really takes us away from that subly beard feel that I thought was really going on just a few minutes ago. lmfao Thank the lord I'm a slow reader, or I would've missed out on that awesome surprise!
[And she, the Godhand, smiled, and without warning took his head by his hair, pulled him close, and slammed her lips onto his.] WHAT! WHAT IS GOING ON!
shit, why is this so addictive? if i wasn't so easily review-burnt, I would've sped-read through friggin', NINE chapters of this story! How exciting this is! holy crap, now I'm ashamed of my own work lmao
That was a joy-ride both as a literary masterpiece and as a thriller. I would draw Noir if I had the talent to hack it, but I practically draw little stick figures compared to the images I have in my head at this very moment!
Man, Nive. Lucky bastard.
Uh-oh, Kera, it looks like my heart was just stolen away by... Shinyuki, the hotass judge. Sorry, toots. lmfao
| The Breakdancing Ninja chapter 1 . 12/27/2006
It's rare to see the usage of onomatopoeias. I particularly enjoy them, because they cut down on a lot of repetitive descriptions, unless it is cows, sheep or horses. For some reason, I just don’t like onomatopoeias (sorry if I’m spelling that wrong) for those.
The great thing about this opening chapter is that it hops us right into the action; I think fear is the easiest feeling to identify with and immerse readers into, much easier than sadness (which usually has readers running for the hills). The other thing that is reassuring about this chapter is its opening paragraph. I’m assured that I’ll be in for a strongly-written story because of the nuanced nature of the details.
This, for instance, caught my eye. [It should have been suffocating, but it was not. It was cold, and the overcast day lent the darkness of dusk upon the city. (deleted to save space) … but the citizens of Felimgrad wanted to delay the destruction of their homes for as long as possible.] This set up atmosphere, mood, background—the detail about the torches and lamps really puts us in-story with what’s happening. Only people who are REALLY afraid of getting their houses burnt down would worry about something like torches and lamps lit. (warning: I’m usually humbled by stories which have a strong presence, and it makes me more reluctant to criticize as readily as I would if I knew a story needed a shitload of help. But I’ll try.)
Oh, great. I feared this story would be one of these. A story with a SHITLOAD OF GREAT DETAILS. I have a compulsion for copying, pasting, and discussing details I like and dislike, which will probably slow down my reading time. [those that could be spared held the three gates of the city on the west, south, and east, (deleted to save space) … while still more hunkered down inside towers and fitted arrows through the murder holes.] For the nature of the actual scene itself, the sentence structure is impeccably written to convey a sense of busyness (as opposed to “business”, though there is much at hand here). The allocation of different soldiers is great—I like the traps they’re setting up. I think one description that isn’t posted with this paragraph is the one of trebuchets and—boiling pots. Ah, wait. I’ll copy and paste it because there is a slight grammar correction at hand.
Here it is. [Trebuchets were loaded with stones, boiling oil was poured upon great pots that would be upended upon attackers scaling the walls or entering the gates.] probably “into” instead of “upon”, because pouring oil “upon” something, even a receptacle of sorts, doesn’t mean there’s any liquid getting inside. But yeah, this description right here, showing the type of things they’re doing to prepare, is great. I could see everything happening at once. Preparing weapons, traps, reinforcements—these people REALLY don’t want to be invaded.
[soldiers trading half-hearted jokes as they marched to their formations, wishing their comrades good luck, or stealing one last bite of bread.] This is great. I think I’ve watched way too many WWI and WWII and Vietnam movies, because even if this is a fantasy story, I could still see them marching in modern-day garb. Everything feels so real. It’s nuts.
I’m thinking about Royal Barracks, though. There’s a detail in there that says it’s set inside a man-made river. I don’t know if that’s a good geographical location to put the barracks. I could imagine a kingdom built on top of a sedimentary hill in the middle of the lake (however unstable it sounds) more readily than I could see the barracks, a very important place, situated somewhere that could cripple entry and exit.
[—the country of Harmonia was on a peninsula slanting to the southwest—] It’s creepy, but my story starts on a peninsula at the southEASTERNmost tip of the southernmost continent of my world.
Extremely long edit ahead; original excerpt is also posted with reference numbers. [The soldiers gasped at the monstrous size of the Alliance army, composed of all the soldiers of the Outer Kingdoms— thousands upon thousands, hundreds of thousands, of soldiers in mail and sword and spear, thousands of archers both on mounts and on foot,  knights clad in shining plate and holding their standard on their shields and banners, warhorses in grim armor as their masters,  pikemen, riders, sellswords and all sorts of fighting men were assembled, marching with steady cadence to the low rumble of drums and trumpets.] I would re-edit it this way (taking into consideration some forms of punctuation and prepositions, as well as possessives to help the paragraph along): “Harmonia’s soldiers gasped at the monstrous size of the Alliance army, composed of all the soldiers of the Outer Kingdoms—thousands upon thousands, hundreds of thousands in mail with sword and spear, archers both on mounts and on foot, knights clad in shining plate and holding their standard on their shields and banners, warhorses clad in as grim of armor as their riders; pikemen, riders, sellswords and all sorts of fighting men were assembled, marching with steady cadence to the low rumble of drums and trumpets.” Alright, I made a few edits, and I’ll try to explain myself without running on too long (I cut them into different portions that are numbered so you could see the references). Reference 1, I changed “The soldiers” to “Harmonia’s soldiers” to set apart Harmonia’s from the Alliance’s. In reference 2, I omitted the comma after “hundreds of thousands” because it is not grammatically correct, and also omitted “of soldiers” since we already know that the subject is soldiers—cutting down on some redundancy, though I understand why you might, for emphasis’ sake; I also omitted “thousands of” out of “thousands of archers” because there is no number value preceding knights or the other soldiers. In reference 3, I changed “in grim armor as their masters” to the grammatically correct and more clear “clad in as grim of armor as their riders”; I also placed a semi-colon after “riders”, since reference 4 is its own sentence, saving you from an erroneous comma splice, while giving the reader time to breathe. Alright. Hopefully that wasn’t an eye sore to look at. Moving on.
I should take the time to say that this reminds me of happy days place Final Fantasy Tactics and Suikoden I, possibly some of my most favorite games of all time. Alright, I’ll get over the sentimentality. XD
[Felimgrad didn’t deign answer. More soldiers were sent to reinforce the East Gate, but all of them knew that it was a hopeless battle.] I feel for you, Flemigrad. They’re about to own you.
[The catapults finally reached firing distance, wedged onto the soft, yielding earth thankfully without any snow, and lit up with fire, the boulders’ net covering instantly catching.] I always wondered how they got the boulders on fire like that. I always thought that they just… doused the boulder in alcohol or something. (that probably earned me a few moron points, rofl).
[Their commanders shouted at them, giving them encouragement for their deaths ahead, as they answered with determined voices, weeping yet exhilarated, banging their shields and blades together. This was the day, they said; the final hour.] This was really good. This was the defining description: “weeping yet exhilarated”, which perfectly describes a moment where, all are gathered together for a cause, and though they might not win, they happen to share the same catharsis from getting hyped up to do it anyway… such as defending one’s own country. Excellent.
[“How are we doing?” the Knight Commander, the overall warlord of the Harmonian army—or what was left of it—whispered to his lieutenant.] I think with all the commotion going on, the “whispered” should at LEAST be “whispered loudly”.
[…his horse was barded with lobstered mail much like him.] I like the description of “lobstered mail”. I can see its metallic curve and its color because of that description.
Kera Evergrace sounds hot. rofl Any chick that could fight is easily among my favorites in any story I read.
I’m in love with the sexually charged conversation between the Knight Commander and Kera; I like his sense of justice and wisdom, and her sense of humility—and longing. It was evident even before the narrative exposed that he was married and that she regretted it (not to say it shouldn’t stay in there); I feel sorry that she has such a close kinship to him, and she’s a badass (fighting chick, come on), and that’s pretty much nothing in the face of timing. [So she had always been hoping; hoping that one day the Knight Commander would notice that she was a woman as well.] I feel for ya, Kera. I feel for ya.
I could hear their voices, which is usually pretty hard, because as we’re being introduced to characters, it’s difficult to imagine what they sound and look like. I’m getting a clear picture, though. Their diction is excellent, especially for soldiers. I think this is a facet of my writing I should be shame-faced about—I don’t have a good mind for keeping an in-world diction, unless it is contemporary. I’m partial to dialogue: characterizations within dialogue, character progression and story plot exposition in conversation (my specialty, and also my preference for story-writing), but I have a hard time setting up the era for characters. It’s easy to create nuances for them, but it’s hard to keep them in-era, for some reason. I’m not a great fan on too many dialogue tags, because they’re not necessary if the author conveys the right actions and the right tone in the dialogue itself, which is a good thing for your story. I’m currently suffering through another fantasy story where the character is always crossing his arms and strongly affirming something, or stating something bluntly, or inquiring such-and-such quizzically, or whispering softly—so redundant, so tedious. Enough of my gripes and my praise on this subject matter. rofl
This story is totally putting me through review hell, and this is only the first chapter. If there weren’t so many nice things to say, I would’ve already been done by now. Thanks, Diamond Dust.
[“Yes,” she replied, not even knowing what it was she was agreeing to, and surveyed what was before her.] I love this. I feel a sense of justice for dialogue when I see details like the one mentioned in her dialogue tag. It’s usually not as fantastic; characters in stories seem to always know what the hell is going on, what is on other characters’ minds, and what is going to happen next in a story. They rarely have moments of confusion where they’re thinking in narrative and something breaks their train of thought.
You’re possibly the most balanced writer I’ve met since Gilee7, Nghi and EnigmaticArsenic. And Mountaineer779, but she has much easier ground to cover. If I had the same cocky nature I had just a few years back, I’d be pretty envious right now. But I’m actually in awe.
[His long blond hair fell too neatly around him while his eyes, grey as smoke, held the Knight Commander’s gaze steadily and firmly, and his face, clear and as delicate as a maiden, showed no sign of grime or sweat.] He’s like those badasses in animes who’re usually rich and mysterious, and extremely girlish/good-looking. Like that bi-polar McDougall brother from Outlaw Star, pretty much any dude from the Gundam: Seed series, or—well, pick your anime. rofl
[“My lord, I beg your leave to lop the head off this beggar,” the soldier who introduced him asked the Knight Commander. He had drawn his sword and was pressing its edge against the kneeling man’s neck.] Quick question: “lop” or “lob”? Or are they equally as effective?
[“Are you some kind of prophet, man?” the Knight Commander queried. “That I am not.” There was a note of hesitation on his voice. “Then how do you know these things?” “Because… because I was here when it happened.”] WHOA. What? I’m liking this story more and more! Hot damn.
I love how everything unfolds after this man comes—everything, which had been pretty much paused, suddenly lets loose in friggin’, pandemonium. It’s hellishly nuts, here, reading this story. I still can’t believe it, and I’m reading all of this with my own eyes.
[a heartbeat later they could hear the characteristic hissing passage of the arrows as they rent through the wind.] This description was beautiful. My senses piqued after I read this.
NUTS! Who is this guy! If I wasn’t so review burnt, I’d review like, ten more of these chapters. Sadly enough, I have pretty bad stamina, so I’ll stop right here and hopefully pick it up tomorrow or the day after. A few more comments, and a review backdrop if you happen to take interest in visiting my site…
This story has a lot of breadth—it starts off immense and does such a great job with it. Every detail is lovingly tailored, and we get this in-world and in-story feel that isn’t present in many stories—not just on FP, but in even mainstream work on the market. I admire that it can tackle such a heavy-handed scene with the grace and omnipotence of someone who is standing within that world. None of the details are mundane description meant only to authenticate the world, they are to really -show- us what is happening. I am very grateful to have actually come across this story, and hopefully you will continue to write with the same flare for detail and as you are within this introduction.
Review backdrop: I found you through Heavenline. It was a stroke of luck, too, because I keep running into people who I write reviews for and they never reciprocate. It's fine, until I start running dry and need more feedback, that's when it gets especially rough. I'm not looking for encouragement; I'm looking for scathing, constructively abusive reviews. I have two good reviewers so far who are willing to criticize the hell out of my work, while keeping in mind my style and what I wish to accomplish (but this doesn't stop them from picking at every single off-kilter detail they can find, though). I also have a beta reader, and he's pretty efficient with combing through my campy first drafts. I'm looking for more reactionary reviews, since I've pretty much cleaned up chapters one through seven of Thread Breaker concerning grammar. Which means, free forum "I hate the hell out of this because..." and "This paragraph really sucks, and here's why..." are accepted without question, and are appreciated a hell of a lot.
I return reviews chapter for chapter, unless I've written a considerably long review (I count that as two chapters or one short poem). Looking forward to seeing you drop by my site, if you have the time and patience to.
Whoo. Anyway. That was an awesome read. Rock on, Diamond Dust.
| felicia13 chapter 13 . 12/14/2006
I feel like you have an almost Lord of the Rings setting going on here. It's not bad, it's just a bit surprising. To me. Maybe not anyone else. They all probably noticed ten or twelve chapters ago. Just thought I'd point that out, if you didn't know.
Riskee garments for our Lord Commander, aren't they? Makes for a fun first impression ...
“But I mislike the tone of your voice and the harlotry of your clothing.” See? Even he thinks so ... but I still think Noir's a fun little character. Huzzah!
Dude. What a racist little knight person. How could he doubt?
How exactly does one pronouce "Tsubasa"? Because I've been wondering that for a while ...
A traitor in the midst? Who? And who is this Master? Because ... these (and other) burning questions need to be answered. The public demands it so!
HA! Blanc ... shouldn't it be Blanche, as in the feminine form of white? Because ... yeah. Whatever. It doesn't even matter, because the plot has thickened once more and I am intrigued to read the next chapter. Please write more!
By the by, I am very sorry that I haven't written more of Xalvadora Jynx. I think it's died in my head. Sorry. I'll try to write more over the break, but no promises.
| felicia13 chapter 12 . 12/13/2006
What a loser. Oh, no; justice is dead and I am going to cry and freeze my face off ... Sorry, but that character of Fyreon is a bit annoying.
Nice chapter and ... yeah. I do like this and it's entertaining and such. It's all good. Interesting plot and well written chapters. Go you!
Nive/Seles is something that is no longer confusing me, if you care to know. Poor Fanella, though. And what happens to her keeper, that elfy person whose name I can't think of?
| anti-climax chapter 13 . 12/12/2006
hey, sorry i haven't reviewed you for so long; i've been pretty busy with loads of church stuff so i haven't really had the time to read stories.
well, for a Lord Commander, Noir seems pretty weak. Care to explain why? She seemed so kick-ass initially but now an 'underling' could swat her away easily...
Blanc? The elder of Noir...ok, so more people hunting Nive now, and Noir perhaps. And of Elder heritage as well, the both of them...
Lots of additional plots abound then. A decent chapter I would say overall; can really foresee this story becoming very long...
| felicia13 chapter 11 . 12/10/2006
So ... Nive is dead, but Seles has come back in his place? Or are we talking two different people here? Some sort of answer would be nice, so that I can understand what's going on here.
Other than my confusion at the end, it's a nice collage of Nive's life. Who's the girl with the inability to pronounce "t"s? Because she's familiar, only not so much. I'd also like an answer for that.
It was good. I rather liked it.
| felicia13 chapter 10 . 12/10/2006
Whoa. That's not cool.
I'm really sorry for taking so long to get back to you. I feel like a horrible person. I AM a horrible person. But this chapter was good, so ... I shall attempt the other three tonight, as well.
It reads a lot better without all the detail, you know. Smoother. Like ice. *ironic*
| Kristina Suko chapter 13 . 12/7/2006
Huh... interesting. It was a little sluggish... but I don't normally enjoy reading about any kind of political stuff, even that that is made up. The dialogue wasn't quite as good as I've come to expect from you, but it was passable. The description wasn't bad, either. Interesting twist, I must say.