|Reviews for Tsubasa Reverse|
| Fiore Chnudth chapter 9 . 10/22/2006
I don't have too many comments for this chapter for it is written much like the others and my earlier comments also reply here, so instead I'll spent my time on more general comments.
But a few to the chapter, you shall have nonetheless.
In my last review, I adressed you not defining the characters enough. To some extent that can't not be applied to this chapters for here you have Fanella, who was always defined and Nive seems a bit more defined here also. Even if he is being defined somewhat like a grumpy, old man which surprises me a bit. And the messenger have defined speech, which I like.
Waking before the first cock crowed - good!
Didn't think it needed that you told Fanelle was a child and it therefor was odd that the mayor sought her counsel. I feel you try to force the feeling of oddness (if that's a real word) on the reader there.
Like the idea of Second Rise, but didn't like that you explained it.
Would have liked to have heard the prayer of deliverance.
Some general comments, applicable for the entire story in my oppinion:
You have two very obvious strengths:
1. You have an active vocabulary larger than most; larger than all I have read on FP. But this I mean that you seldom use words the reader doesn't understand, but you often use words, the common writer would not have used. If your vocabulary is larger than others, I don't know, but a big portion of it seems to be active, where it for most is passive.
2. There is no doubting the depth of your universe. You introduce many names, locations and whatnot, but I don't see them as just words, but parts of a setting you have in your head. Its the same that is said for Tolkien and it gives a good feel. And it gives potential (I would think) for many stories to come.
The weaknesses are not so general, but more seems like lapses. Like using the word 'gum'. I do not in any way see this as your way of writing, but sometimes there are lapses, as there are with everybody.
The only thing that bugs me a bit on a general level, is that I don't get how all the stories are related. I don't get the context. What does the Nive party have to do with Amitel and her posse? What is the role of Noir? I suspect these things will be tied together eventually, but it bugs me sometimes that I feel a need to read back to see if there were details I missed.
But all in all, its a good story and a very well writen one too. Very well writen indeed. This is also to some extent why I nitpick and pick on you a bit. :-) I believe you can handle it, I believe you desire to be offered criticism and I see potential. A bit arrogant, I know!
| anti-climax chapter 10 . 10/22/2006
yea, didn't receive any e-mails regarding your review or your update; strangely enough...
good fight scenes; as always I love people capable of juxtaposition, it's just so cool! Although too many ninja shows have rendered it pretty much a cliche...sadly...but it's still nice.
Nive is an enigma. He's massacred an entire city but can't stand it when a girl who he is barely acquainted with is attacked... What happened to Liera by the way? She seems to have disappeared for the majority of this chapter...
'The enemy was holding the combined hilts with two hands, and he immediately dislocated it once he saw that it wouldn’t pierce flesh' I think the word dislocated here isn't quite appropriate; not very sure, but I think remove would be better as I understand dislocate to mean 'twisted badly' or something like that...
| Fiore Chnudth chapter 8 . 10/22/2006
This chapter was to me a bit different to read than the others. The flow of it was better and easier to follow, but the language wasn't as unique as usual. Don't know if this is good or bad, but I always like the unique style of your language.
Don't know what to think of the title either. And I don't understand why you call it Act this and that; it's not a play afterall, so why do you not use the common word 'chapter'? Is it maybe because you decided to differ yourself, I wonder!
I liked the notion of beeing in the town a few days after the major blow-out, but the feel of post-battle only lasted a few lines, which I thought was sad. For a lot of potential I see in a post-battle setting.
The use of the word Wanderer instead of Ranger or something like that was good. Especially since the talk was ghosts, to some extent. That gave the word a double meaning I liked.
"resting his elbows on his knees as he leaned forward". This is one of the lines where I write 'got it' in the margin. Resting his elbows on his knees paint a good picture of him leaning forward. You adding 'as he leaned forward' strongly indicates that you don't trust in your painted picture and gives a feel of insecurity to your writing.
In the Devil King, the Devil King had a very defined speech. I think most of the character lack this in this story. The only thing that makes the dialogue different from the narrative parts, is the "x". And nothing really defines that speeches in contrast to one another. If there were to be a moment of silence, before someone suddenly spoke, I doubt I would know who spoke, before you added 'said Nive' for example.
You wrote: "She was a friend" he said simply.
The 'simply said' part is kind of contradiction here. I think the feel of 'simply said' would be better if you didn't write 'he said simply.' - just my oppinion anyways... :-)
I liked that this chapters was sort of a breather for some of the characters. After a lot of fighting and whatnot, it was nice with a calm chapter I think. A calm chapter also offers potential of getting to know a character. This I don't know if we did as much as I would have liked, but some degree we did get insight to personalities. Not as much as I would have liked though, I must stretch. The reason I stretch this is because I think many of the character seems very much a like and I would like them more defined.
"Do you think that we don’t experience that as well?"
That's a surpringly childish way to make a point I think. Kind of 'I'm rubber, you're glue'-argument. Would have liked something like: "this is war. We all suffer." instead. And then you go into how her people suffers too, which was good. Showed a bit personality too.
That paragraph also made me wonder if that was your comments on research. More often than not, I wonder if you deliberately add social commentaries. This one being about research and a few paragraphs furher down there is something about racism and genocide. Tell me, is this intended to be commentaries? If it is, I like it. If not, just as well. :-)
A describtion of the room would have been nice.
The black horse-part didn't convince me. It seemed forced.
"shatter her ribcage" - too much for my taste in that context.
It is very common, meaning many do it, that you define characters through told-dialogue. This being someone saying "I'm this and that" or "you are something." This I don't like, but its probably me. So, didn't like Cassiel saying "you are headstrong". Headstrong is a good word though.
"you knew the time would come" - cliché, but okay...
If you ever get to fight your way through my story, I must already say that I wasn't inspired by Alocer Nightstrider... ;-) He was a major, walking cliché, but dude, I liked him very much!
"Ladrinne liked not men, but women" - !
jelly, hear attack, ship - very contemporary words.
Caeltainn seemed a bit inspired by Venice.
The ending I thought out of place. I haven't read the next chapter yet, but I wonder if maybe it should have been placed there and not in this one. I talk about the last part after the break-line.
| Kristina Suko chapter 10 . 10/21/2006
NO! I liked Nive. That's not fair! ( Good chapter, though. The marionettes were kinda creepy... oy, in my mind I was imagining them all as purplish black creatures with yellow eyes and shiny swords (lol) and when they spoke, their voices were just enough different to create a dissonance to the words they spoke.
| criti-sized chapter 10 . 10/21/2006
This chapter was very interesting. I wasn't expecting Nive to die, or Fanella. If that's what you really planned to happen. Just hoping that you update soon that way nobody is left in suspense long.
| Anonymous chapter 10 . 10/21/2006
This is insanely good. I can't believe that you can write this well. Are you an actual author or something? This series has been great, and I can't wait for more!
| xhielle chapter 10 . 10/20/2006
nyahahahhaha...kuya tagal kung hinintay tu ah...T_T la akung mabasang iba sa bahay... by the way... ganda nung story...*pakitranslate nlang sa english waheheh..tinatamada ung magenglish..dumudugu ilong ku... keep the good story kuya yuki...n_n
| Niki Tori chapter 1 . 10/20/2006
My jaw dropped. OMG...I finally caught my breath. What I need to read is the first part of Tsubasa Reverse so I can understand what's going on.
I felt so much tension when the "stranger" kept trying to warn the commander and Kera about the danger of the royal family! I was getting mad. That soldier was talking about "lop the head off this beggar" GR! I'll Lop your head off SOLDIER!
After reading this chappie I don't know how I feel about Kera. So far I feel like she needs to move on...Her commander did. All those young soldiers and she tripping because he saved her life! GR! You can't have everything you want Kera!
All in all this was a great great story something that I want to read more of!
Until NeXt Time
Ps: THIS ROCKED and SO DO YOU! And so did your review! Thanks so much! It helps a ton! _
| Spirit Tigress chapter 1 . 10/19/2006
I guess hyping myself up did work out! Can't wait for some bloodshed!
| Kristina Suko chapter 9 . 10/17/2006
“Do thou takest me for a fool?”- dost thou take me for a fool, not do thou takest. D king james english is so hard to figure out sometimes.
"“Do thou knowest who did such a thing?”" dost thou know...
"“Doth he sayest the reason?”" you like to add -est on the end of things... no est needed... really. sayest would be like she's saying "does he says the reason." and yes, the s was put on the end of say on purpose.
Hm... quite interesting. I haven't any critisizm right now, but I'm not feeling like critiquing anything. haha... somebody called Noir a boy... lol. funny. anywho, reading reviews here. um. the descriptions were actually not too wordy this time! cookie for you (::).
You should write a play, you're so good at dialogue.
anywho, I'm glad FP is finally up! expect Blood for a Rose to be updated...
| Fiore Chnudth chapter 7 . 10/17/2006
Its a while since I read this chapter, but some sort of update has been happening on FP, so the review doesn't come until now. I hope the wait (for me) doesn't mean I forget too much of the feel. I do have some scramblings in the margin of the story, so lets hope this will do. :-)
Still think you once in a while explain things that doesn't need to be explained or spelled out. Like people being blown about, as if by a tornado. The tornado part was clear unless you meant they were whirled around in which case you should have described the movement/path.
In general the paragraphs seems to be a bit shorter than in the beginning which is good.
There seemed to be some parts in the beginning of the long dialogue that seemed to be a reflection on religion. This I liked.
And that word 'tsked' again...
Screamed wordlessly - good picture that paints. A bit narly too.
The great battle seemed better than some of the previous fights and other action parts. It was less teenager-cool I think.
Didn't get the meaning of the halo on the back.
The end was good. With the messenger; a weird dude.
| yamiakira chapter 9 . 10/12/2006
The first part of a long-overdue review!
I don't actually have time for a play by play grammar check at the moment (there are only very few, anyway, and most have already been pointed out), but I read it all and let me just say, good job. As usual, I like your language use and pacing.
one minor grammar check though:"his only family that he had ever known."
| JJSLAM2129 chapter 9 . 10/12/2006
"Revenge. . . ! Revenge. . . !"
That's all I could keep saying at the end. Fyreon sounds likes a very interesting character, so I hope to see more of him. I'd certainly like to also see Nive's motives for killing Fyreon's father (other than to motivate Fyreon).
Haha, sounds like Nive's in trouble with Noir. A small comment on Noir: I rather detest his...well, mannerisms, but it takes all kinds to make the world I suppose. That's nothing against your writing. It's just if Nive were a real person, I don't think I'd get along with him to well. I sympathize with Liera.
I'm still in love with the "three separate story lines in one chapter" thing. Yeah, the reader has to pay closer attention, but I think it makes it more interesting.
Well, not much here I can find wrong! Great job again, and thanks so much for your comments on my essay. I hope to update soon. . . .which is also what you should be doing! ( :: )
| felicia13 chapter 9 . 10/12/2006
Whoa. Poor kid. I hope Nive's ok. And I hope that Fyreon can be not a character who dies. Because he sounds like fun and I don't want to see him die.
Great chapter. Now I want to know who the princess's promised is. And where he is, or if he's even alive. He must be, for you to talk about him. Giving false hope is a good literary device, but it doesn't seem appropriate in this situation. So ... he must be alive. I'll just keep thinking that, even if it isn't true.
Ok. Please update soon! I'll try to work on XJ a lot more. So sorry for the long delay. I've been busy.
| criti-sized chapter 9 . 10/12/2006
Well, this chapter started out a little slower than the last one, but was very good nonetheless. It seems like Nive and Liera get along less with every minute that passes, and Fanella simply tolerates the both of them.
And then the plot tickens a bit more, with the woman Ana. It looks like someone might actually know about who she is, and that was why they sent the woman to tell her about it; probably to shake her up a little... Then again, I don't know, I'm just wondering here.
This was a very nice chapter. The dialogue was very good and realistic enough for the story... What I mean is because it's a fantasy, the dialogue has to hold some type of different edge to it than any other books. Kudos to you, I wouldn't be able to write a fantasy even if I wanted to.
"And most of the times states from either alliance take advantage of this fact" Maybe you could change the 'take' to 'took', it would sound better.
"When she had recovered the obstinate princess..." Comma before 'the obsinate..'