Reviews for Tsubasa Reverse
Raptora chapter 2 . 9/17/2006
Hello again. Terribly sorry it's taken my so long-I meant to review long before this. Anyways...onwards.

Very nice opening paragraph. The descriptions were good, for one thing, and you make the reader want to go on, so they can find out about this man that had been caught up to.

" he would meet his end{,} a lesson for the townspeople who, in their ignorance, had taken him in."-Hmm...perhaps you could either split the sentence up at 'here' or use a semi colon at 'end'? The sentence just sort of runs on, and it's an important bit, so you don't want to reader to come upon it after digesting all the previous information. If that makes sense.

"Then there was a sudden hush, as if a veil had covered the entire crowd..."-I love that simlie. Good job.

"And his eyes were ice-blue daggers that stabbed at him..."-usually you don't start out sentences with 'and,' unless it works. For here, maybe it would sound better if you used some other transitional word, instead of 'and'? It doesn't seem to flow with your previous descriptions.

Very nice dialogue you have going on here. Crisp and engaging, and intriguing as well.

Excellent ending, too. I was definitely not expecting that. Great job on the twist. I look forward to the next chapter!
Noihseret chapter 6 . 9/17/2006
that was a long spell. I'm surpirsed he made it that far, lol. I wonder what he's summoned... (ah can't spell!).

this is really getting good! I like how you describe the atmostphere. it's feels very real and I can see everything play out in my head

just a few spellinig errors but I read some of your other reviews for this chapter (I'm nosey... XP) and I'm pretty sure they got those covered. lol.

anyway... I'm looking forward to chapter 7! write on diamond-dust!
Yume Pink chapter 6 . 9/16/2006
"the deep, throaty rumble of men possessed by their inner demons, fear, and bloodlust."- I really liked that phrase.

I think the fight scene here was well-executed. Any tactical questions I had besides that were pretty much answered in your profile. The conversation between Aoi and the decoy was a nice touch to an otherwise tense chapter, and I have to admit, I was a little sad when Nanami did him in.

I did find there was a lack of chemistry between Aoi and Nanami. I'm not really talking about romantic chemistry in this case, but their interactions when they weren't fighting seemed a little stilted. I think that was probably due to a lack of description of facial expressions during their dialogue, since you used plenty of body language.

Overall, nice word choice as always, and I always enjoy reading about Aoi. I think he's one of your strongest characters. I look forward to keeping up with this. :)
Kristina Suko chapter 6 . 9/15/2006
"Far to the north and southeast the white peaks of the Valley of the Moors ..." - comma after southeast.

" He sighed; his breath frosting in front of his face ..." - comma, not semicolon.

"...his breath frosting in front of his face, as the remnants of his expeditionary force stood..." -no comma needed.

"“I will parley with the Judge ...” he explained, and gestured to his bodyguards, holding someone with a black bad over his head and his hands manacled behind him." - "*who* were holding someone", otherwise it sounds like he gestures to his guards and is also holding someone. Also, what's a black bad? D Is it supposed to be "bag"?

"...his thick-soled shoes burying under the thick snow blanket ..." - just a suggestion, burrowing would sound better than burying, because it sort of doesn't make sense to say burying.

"...came the disgruntled reply of the random soldier he took earlier as the stand-in ..."- had taken, not took.

"The Moorstone citizens had been already..."- had already been.

"...would be torched if they even tried to do battle here." - "if they tried to battle even here." would read better.

"It was about several minutes of uneventful walking that they reached hailing distance ..." - okay... um, "it was about several minutes..." should be either "it was about (insert number) minutes.." or "it was several minutes". And then "...that they reached hailing distance..."- before or until they reached hailing distance. Not "that", unless you said "it was by walking for several minutes that they reached hailing distance".

"...their entire faces were covered by white faceplates that it seemed their heads were like eggs." - were *so* covered by white faceplates" or "that their heads appeared to be eggs." -lol, the notion of egghead soldiers makes me laugh.

"... and while slower than warhorses they were more agile and more aggressive." - and *though* slower, not "while", although I guess while works. Though sounds better. Otherwise, put a comma after warhorses. (if you keep "while")

"...Aoi found himself goggling at her." - ogling is the word you're looking for, I think. It makes more sense, anyways. (to Goggle at someone to stare wide eyed, sort of with disbelief. To ogle is to stare with desire.)

" facing where had come from before..." - you forgot the "he"

"Steam and clouds of snow-dust rose from where he laid." -where he lay.

Freaky ending. Nanami is rather degrading to the story. But, what would ya do without her? Yea, it was pretty good, but I really didn't like Nanami- not that I was supposed to- but she brought the story into a very degrading light.


Talk to you later D

yamiakira chapter 2 . 9/15/2006
gahh, sorry for the dual review, but i wasn't familiar with fictionpress' text system, so some parts of my past review came out confusing. let me just correct.

the "on" in "perhaps on the head of their army" should be "at"

the "if" in "Even if he was a half-blood, he was still an Elf..." would be more aptly changed to "though"...and a few more. mostly, though, they are barely noticeable, and aside from a few run-on sentences, there isn't anything to find fault with.
yamiakira chapter 6 . 9/15/2006
hey. as promised, here i am with a review.

-all in all, you've been doing rather well. i've noticed a few minor grammatical use of the proper conjuction in strict context, for example...the "on" in perhaps on the head of their army should be "at"the "if" in Even if he was a half-blood, he was still an Elf, would be more aptly changed to "though"...and a few more. mostly, though, they are barely noticeable, and aside from a few run-on sentences, there isn't anything to find fault with.

-Your english vocabulary is pleasingly wide-ranged. I liked the way you described the people and the atmosphere.

-I have to agree with the other reviewers about the insertion of the Japanese language into the english, however. I love japanese, I'm sure you know that, but the fluctuating speech of the lovely Hino does actually take the mysticism out of the whole thing.

Sorry for the rather verbose review. This is the problem with being a creative writing major, I've been brainwashed to be obsessive about grammar.

I've enjoyed reading so far, though, and can't wait 'til the next chapter.
anti-climax chapter 6 . 9/14/2006
ah, you stole that from daniel! XD the mene, mene tekel upharsin...:) he had enough time to say all that? o.o I would have thought that someone would have interrupted that spell he was casting if the incantation took that long...:P

ah, he's summoning a monster! All right, that will be interesting...

hm, i think i discovered a typo. Aoi's an elf right? You might want to change the line 'she intended to finish this 'human', now now now'

New chapter I like. Also, review on Crimson I thank you for. Update soon I request.
JJSLAM2129 chapter 6 . 9/14/2006
Alright! Update! Let's get started on the...well, the review, I guess...

Let's see, I thought I saw a few typos. Oh yes, here's one:

-"holding someone with a black bad over his head" I thik you mean 'bag' insted of 'bad'.

*Sigh* I thought I saw another. I guess not. Well a few comments (which may just turn out to be the echoes of others):

-I'm all for manga and I love the Japanese language, but I find it a tad annoying when fantasy authors add random Japanese words to the language. It makes it seem less...other worldly. Adding any already established language really makes it seem like the author wasn't creative enough to come up with their own words. I know I'm guilty of this, trust me.

-A 'risque' winter? Sounds like potential pnemonia or frostbite to me...

-The fight scene between Hino and Aoi seemed way too manga-ish, with the stopping so the other person can make their dramatic move thing. She should have taken him down while he was doing the chant in my opinion.

-If Hino has the ability to destroy every single one of Aoi's molecules, why didn't she do something about it?

Honestly, I can't wait for you to update, and I'm sorry I was of little help. See? You did just fine all on your own! Now update quickly!... cookie! - ( :: )
January Gray chapter 1 . 9/14/2006
Ooh, very nice. Who is the mysterious man? I'll be reading this story slowly (most likely) but you've really struck my interest. I don't know how many of the characters I'm met in this first chapter will survive the battle, but they were all intriguing and likeable.
Lccorp2 chapter 6 . 9/14/2006

T'alnoth of the Gold Flight:

-Again, with the random Japanese things. I don't really understand it. You have a world that quite distinctly isn't earth-like, doesn't have the culture that comes up with kimonos (which would be quite impractical considering this perpetual ice-ace most of your world is supposedly in, has no reason to evolve Japanese as a language (and even if it did, I still wouldn't understand why anyone would mix random Japanese words in with normal speech. Especially without any translations for people, who, you know, DON'T happen to speak Japanese, it alienates them further from the story.)

You might love anime/manga, but it's tearing the believability of your world apart. Reminds me of people who think all Japanese weapons are katanas and ninja stars, that Shinto mythology begins and ends with kitsunes, and randomly put in Japanese stuff because it's COOL.

Now you can build a culture. Show me why these people are doing this, in a frickin' ice-age. Whee.

-All right. That is stupid. That is very stupid. She claims she can manipulate the very essence of matter, and proceeds to do so.

Why doesn't she simply obliterate Aoi from where he stands?

It's a case of characters 'forgetting' they have these cool powers, either for the sake of the plot, or so that the characters have a 'cool' scene. In this case, a Cool Fight Scene.

It's the same deal with Nanami. What is she doing the whole time Aoi is making that oh-so-dramatic spell incantation? I'd imagine her beating on him, but she seems to have vanished so Aoi can be dramatic.

criti-sized chapter 6 . 9/14/2006
Well, this was a very interesting chapter with the slow beginning that became very nice as it progressed closer to the end and when he approached the woman, I don't think you gave her a name; it probably wasn't important.

But this chapter was very intriguing in its own way that was nice.

"and she was wearing a very risqué kimono that revealed of lot of her skin" Did you mean 'alot'?
TwinDeath chapter 2 . 9/13/2006
this is a great story, but it seems a bit too random. you act like you expect people to know things. Is this a sequel?

live forever, or die trying!

(Would you R&R "A Mercenary's Tale", please? I'd like to know what you think of it.)
criti-sized chapter 5 . 9/13/2006
Very interesting chapter, I liked the persuading conversation in it per se between Nive and Fanella. There were many levels of emotion in this one, ranging from hatred to anger, impulse, and so many more; you portrayed all of them nice.

"Niev just ignored her" I'm just pointing out you spelled his name wrong.

"So it's Moorstone that we're bound one way or another" There should be a comma between 'bound' and 'one'.

That's it though, hopefully you'll update soon.
Kristina Suko chapter 5 . 9/13/2006
O... so, when's the next chapter? The character development is coming along very nicely, and the plot is getting me intrigued. It does need a tad more editing, just a few oopses, like Niev instead of Nive, but nothing big.

D Hex
Kristina Suko chapter 4 . 9/13/2006
There were a few sentences which needed reconstructing; you worded them in such a way that they almost became fragments; but otherwise, it's good.

D Hex
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