|Reviews for Tsubasa Reverse|
| Kristina Suko chapter 3 . 9/13/2006
Pretty good... I like it more and more as I read on. There are still little mistakes with the thees and thous and thines, but not so very horrible. It's where thou art, not where thine art. Anyways...
I can't think of anything other than the thees and thous that needs improvement. The plot thickens... D
| Kristina Suko chapter 2 . 9/12/2006
Your Old style English needs some work, lol. "Art thou not kneelest", "... thou should hast been enlightened", (shouldst have)"Thou remember well" (Thy memory serves thee well would be better, or thou remembrest well...) "But dost thou think for a moment that thou can raise your power above me?" (thy power)
"...And Nive wondered how they fit inside her helm... they were so straight." talking about hair, it should be it, or insert her tresses were whatever... and then the tresses were so straight that it was hard to see that they were unwrinkled. D
Whoa... weird. Good chapter... much better than the first one. You have a way with words, Diamond... your conversations are always well done. The shock that she was a woman was pretty good, too.
| criti-sized chapter 4 . 9/12/2006
Well, I definitely don't mind long chapters, as long as they're interesting, and entertaining, like this. I liked this chapter for the constant different views of characters that were in it. It's not a mystery, but it does hold some question marks in the air, and it's definitely worth reading.
"These people don't know what that meant, and she envied them for it." Maybe you could change the 'don't' to 'didn't'; it would sound better.
"She mentioned for the kid to stay down on the snow.." Did you mean 'mentioned', or 'motioned'. I think 'motioned' would sound better, but it's just a suggestion.
| felicia13 chapter 2 . 9/11/2006
Really not holding back on breaking (charging, really) through the gender boundaries, are we? I salute you for it, though.
Great ending. I can honestly say I wasn't expecting the kiss. Good bit of tension, though. Excellante work!
I hope Nive doesn't die ... well, he can't, but I hope he can get away from it all without emotional and/or physical scarring ...
| criti-sized chapter 3 . 9/11/2006
So, here it is, the review for chapter three, which was very interesting, I might add. It holds alot of questions that I'm guessing will be answered within the next few chapters, or after that. Also thanks again, for the reviews and CC, they help spot what I miss.
"All of a sudden a vague..." I think there's a comma between 'sudden' and 'a vague'.
I have a question, did you mean, "which was I why dispatched my unit to capture thee before they take thee", or 'took thee'?
"It was Astaroth himself.." There's supposed to be a comma before 'himself'.
"he gritted through tightly-clenched teeth he thought they would shatter," I think there should be a comma or something to express that it was his thoughts at, "he thought they would shatter,"
"She laid a finger on his lips, shutting him effectively." 'Shutting him efectively' doesn't seem to sound exactly correct for this sentence, maybe 'quieting', or another word would fit.
"Yet want it as I might I cannot accompany thee on thy journey." Comma before her, " I cannot accompany thee..."
| felicia13 chapter 1 . 9/10/2006
Nive? He was cursed? Was that what the Devil King did to him? I wouldn't even doubt it ...
A very good continuation. You don't bother with any preliminary things and just jump straight into the story. I like that. And what a good story it is! I'm rather excited already ...
As it were, I have to leave now, but I do plan on being back tomorrow. Best of luck!
| Kristina Suko chapter 1 . 9/10/2006
And so begins it...
Strong ending, lousy beginning. D
You are very, very good at building tension using dialogue, but your descriptions lack the electricity and nervousness that is to be expected in such a scene.
Instead of saying "There were screams", describe it. "There were screams." is an almost casual observation, saying, "yeah, well, they were screaming..." More effective would be something like "Screams rent the air." or even better, "Frightened screams echoed through the streets." Ha. I guess you describe things in the wrong way. You'll say "People ran", or "It was cold" or "There were moans" instead of "Bodies hurried over the stone streets" or "The air bit through cloaks with freezing fingers" or "Low moans emitted from nervous throats". Instead of saying what it *is* tell what it sounds like or feels like or looks like, or even smells like. Yea, I know I've said "don't be wordy" but I think another problem along with your wordiness is that you're missing opportunities to show the reader what it looks like; here you're almost more just telling instead of showing.
I love your dialogue- it's always interesting and well done. And the curiosity to know who the heck the messenger was was well done as well.
Poof... well, here's a review for you D I'll continue later, maybe even later today.
Talk to ya soon D~Hex
| criti-sized chapter 2 . 9/10/2006
Very interesting chapter, the tension in it was so thick that I had to skip to the end to find out something, then read the whole thing. I was, of course, surprised that his teacher was a woman the whole time, very entertaining. Though I only saw two things that I had to mention.
"..their armored greaves crunching and sinking through rather thick a layer of it..." Honestly, it could just be me, but the, "..rather thick a layer.." threw me off alittle when I read it.
"..their points up and bound by three circles of runes." You changed tenses when you said, "their points up.."
| criti-sized chapter 1 . 9/9/2006
Hey, like I promised, I'm checking out the story, and it literally is very good. I like the interesting choice of words that you used to describe the situation at hand, it gives me, as a reader, the insight to be able to know what's occuring. Though, I saw one thing where you put 'all right', instead of 'alright'.
Honestly, other than that this chapter was very interesting, I'll try to read all that you've posted before you update.
| ainedamdz chapter 5 . 9/8/2006
yey, I finally finished reading chapter 5. Whew! So long, but so nice, too. A best selling novel in the making! 0.0
I so admire Fanella, I wish I could be like her! What a kid. Did she memorize the thesaurus/dictionary or something? 0.0
So very mysterious! I would like to know where this story leads.. so update soon! _
| ainedamdz chapter 4 . 9/8/2006
More new characters! Who are these people? Hm.. I am curious, so I shall read on to find out! Btw, I think your story is the coolest, but perhaps you could inject some humor? The mood of your story is very, very serious. A lighter tone would be a welcome change.
For me, anyway.
| ainedamdz chapter 3 . 9/8/2006
Fast forward to the part where Nive regains consciousness, eh? Mweh, me liking this chappie (can you guess why? yep, because of the romance bit!)..
Wow, so many weapons and places and people and emotions and old english .. so cool, man! Oh, mysterious ending.. who is the devil king?
(Nyah, i don't understand because this is a sequel, ayt, and i haven't read the first one)
Well, I'm reading on to chapter 4. Long one, w0o0h scary. :3
| ainedamdz chapter 2 . 9/8/2006
Mweh, that was nice. I could almost taste Nive's surprise when he found out that his master was apparently a female! And the use of old English spiced the whole chapter up. Good work here!
I dunno, but when I read Noir's lines, I was immediately reminded of reading a bible. An old king james version at that. 0.0
| ainedamdz chapter 1 . 9/8/2006
Ey, pirst ob ol i wud lyk 2 thx u 4 reviewng Ths Guys in Luv wd U so in retrn i wil chek out ur story pra fair (& bcos i am also intrigd)
Ehrm. (-_- a)
I never saw this since I don't browse in the Fantasy section.. But I'll read it anyway, since many people seem to like it..plus, it has romance. (Yey.)
I don't usually like long chapters..But I got kind of carried away with yours. Cool plot, intriguing and interesting. Hm. The flow is nice, too. Can't say a lot, though, since it's only the first chapter. I'll have to read the next ones..but you've got me hooked here. _
Ehrm. Btw, dw because I don't find you scary at all. Besides, I strongly agree that it is extremely helpful to use the opportunity to comment on an aspect of the story that can be improved. A well rounded critique is often the most rewarding tool for the writer. XD (copy paste? wah whats wrong with me) One more thing is, nasanay na po akong pinagmumura sa bahay .. manhid na po ako pagdating diyan. XD
Proud 2 b pinoy.
"The point of war is not to die for your country. It's to make the other bastard die for his." - Lol !.. parang nabasa ko na iyan.. saan ba iyon? Quotable Quotes ata sa RD? XD
Okay then, will read more of this when I'm free, gtg now but I'll drop another review soon! _
| incandescente chapter 5 . 9/7/2006
“Bitchspawn?” He held up his hands. “Maybe. I’m a half-breed, do you know? ..."
this paragraph spoke to me, i dont know why but yeah. its sad that he became so bitter and all.
i'm liking the progress of your story, and the seer is pretty awesome! :) continue writing.