|Reviews for Foreshowering|
| absentmindedprofessor chapter 1 . 6/17/2012
First: AMAZING title, it perfectly described the story. Second: the story itself was amazing. I actually had to concentrate and read because of the words, so thanks for that! Third: this is very realistic, and I appreciate that as well. You're a really excellent writer, both in your description and the realness of each of your one-shots. Loved this one.
| K. Silence chapter 1 . 5/23/2007
Oh my God, I now realize that I live in Polkville apparently. It's not even a stop light here, it's a caution light. I knew a meth addict. She called me, trapped in her closet, said the FBI were riding around on scooters outside of her apartment. I hate her. I'm just sayin...
I love how he loves his Momma. He sounds all timid and meek, but he doesn't play with it comes to Momma.
Poor guy. If he could somehow get that chainsaw and mutilate that guy for doing that... What an evil bastard! He should die.
The dialect reads like a true crime story I read once, about a serial killer in South Carolina back in the 50's, 60's, 70's. The Final Truth. It was insane. I liked the story... as usual. All of your characters are so strong, even if you disagree with what they're doing or saying, you somehow sypathize.
| Luv and Peace chapter 1 . 11/26/2006
O, wow! I had to read it over twice just to get the foreshadow! Great story, loved the accent. Again, the humour and the horror, it totally blended! Escpecially him thinkining about the empty coffee cans thing, before he found her body. Keep writing!
| Stormer chapter 1 . 8/26/2006
Aw, that sucks! I was reading this story and laughing, thinking it was a bit sad but a bit of a comedy too...and then such a horrible ending! Argh. Very well written though, I love the language. I like all the daddy's sayings...even though having read the end I can't really be amused anymore!
| ExcuseMeWhileIKissTheSky chapter 1 . 8/14/2006
how could someone not get the symbolizm?i got it right away. no joke. i thought it was splediferous. haha*favorites*
| Nghi chapter 1 . 8/13/2006
:( I'm really ashamed for not getting all of the symbolism earlier. I had to read what you said in order to get it. I was never good at symbolism-decoding. ;_;-Well, in any case, even though I've missed the symbolism part, I still really enjoyed the physical aspects of the story-the accents, the syntax, the dialect, etc. And after I read what you wanted out of the story, the reading experience was kind of out of this world, ahaha. It makes me wonder if you hadn't done this to ALL of your other stories. x_x; (Because then that means I have to go back and reread everything. -_-;)-Keep writing, please! Your stories are so different from all the others ones I've read. In my opinion, it's like reading a book that you have to analyze in school. Except in a good way, because that means your stories must have a lot of merit. Did that make sense? Probably not. -_-Nghi
| The Breakdancing Ninja chapter 1 . 8/12/2006
Let me gripe about something totally unrelated to this story. Why the hell aren’t people reading “Technical Foul”? I think you have to advertise that story on your main profile on my behalf, especially for readers who visit the site on occasion but HAVEN’T REVIEWED IT. Like, just put a small footnote that says something like: “The Breakdancing Ninja is really ticked off that people aren’t reviewing ‘Technical Foul’.” Because he is. I swear, I’m irritated that it doesn’t have more reviews.
The Breakdancing Ninja gives his previous review a 2 out of 10 for having missed out on the most important aspect of the story. Refer to the criticism below for more details.
After considering a… considerable amount of foreshadowing I missed, I’ve come back to take another crack at reading “Foreshowering”. I seriously thought it was going to be a sweet autobiography or something close to it, so I actually went on a look-out for the authenticity of the events and the narrator’s feelings about his parents. I apologize for that. By the time I got to the ending, I wondered what I had missed!
I was really worried about the title, because yeah, I didn’t see the foreshadowing part of the shower scene than what the content of the story was—I think the details might have been a little too subtle, or maybe the accent drowns out any precision that the story could have had. A more objective narrator can create nuances for like, everything—but of course, someone speaking in dialect will have certain ways of describing things and he/she’ll use certain phrases.
That being said, I think onomatopoeias will be your best friend with this story. We can’t trust the narrator to have an inkling of what was going on, and I think the story was successful in creating that surprise. Honestly, I was following the narrator’s journey and not the story’s. He knows nothing, so we know nothing. The onomatopoeias will really work here, and guess what! You can italicize all of them! I understand that the previous struggle was with relating the shower scene to the breaking, entering, and murdering of the narrator’s mother without being too obvious, but now that you have the basic layout (which you explained so well, and I’m starting to understand), all it’s about now is just helping a totally oblivious and idiotic reader like myself along. But, really, half of the burden lies on the readers, so don’t beat yourself up over it. Let me make a few suggestions.
I don’t want to dumb down the story too much with my suggestions, so you could just choose to ignore them if you want.
[I ain’t never realized how loud dat sucker is. Kinda brought back an unpleasant feelin’.] I think it’s the second sentence that makes the first sentence way too subtle, because people then will be more concerned about why the heater gives the narrator such an unpleasant feeling. Maybe it could be: “I ain’t never realized how loud dat sucker is. Maybe I ain’t never noticed or sumptin’, but it sounds a lot like its revving an enjun. Kinda brought back an unpleasant feelin’.” So that way it’s closer related to the unpleasant feeling and the diesel truck.
The shower door one was way too subtle. Maybe you could explain in further detail what the crack looks like. Maybe you could even have something about how the father one time made a big slash in one of the trees he was cutting, because he slipped off the ladder and the chainsaw came tumbling down with him, and that’s what the crack reminds him of. If people could associate the crack in the shower door with something much like a hatchet in a tree or a chainsaw buzzing a scar into a tree, it might give them more clues about dad. And maybe the “Grand Canyon” description would work better. Or you could at least make it more straight forward and relate it to a crack in a plumber’s ass—I remember wondering if “plumber” was just a coined term for something. LOL I’m stupid
[I turn on da hot water and da nozzle screams all high-pitched and womanlike as a spurt of water comes a rushin’ out.] Maybe instead of “rushin’” you could have “spurtin’” and take out “as a spurt of”, which is totally more gruesome. And sometimes the pipes will shake like crazy when it’s trying to get hot water out, so maybe it could be like: “I turn on da hot water and I could hear da sounds of the water bangin’ through da pipes. The nozzle screams all high-pitched and womanlike and puts goosebumps on my skin. Sometimes I get scared that the water ain’t gonna come out hot. I put my hand out as the water comes a spurtin’ out. It’s hot as my blood after eating a can of Campbell’s chicken soup.” Okay, maybe the last sentence was too crazy, but you know what I mean, right? (lmao I typed “santence” instead of sentence. Stupid accent.) The banging through the pipes could be the struggle happening outside. Because what we want to establish is that the pipes and the shower equal blood, splash—ect.
[I swear it shakes da whole damn bathroom.] I think I see the problem of this shampoo part. It’s the tense of this sentence here that makes everyone just kind of skim right over it. The tense it’s written in right now makes it seem like whenever the shampoo bottle drops, it sounds like that—like it happens all the time. For this sentence to work, it just has to be in past tense, and I know it might sound weird, but… “I could’ve sworn it shook da whole daggum bathroom.” So then it works pretty well with what you have coming up: “I bend down and pick it up. I got no idea why it made such a boom. Da bottle’s half empty.” :D?
[Jus’ a few months ago I’d be stickin’ muh head out of da shower curtain every little bit ta make sure Momma wuzn’t a screamin’ in pain or bein’ harassed or sumptin’ else real bad.] Maybe you could allude to the use of a chainsaw. I know she gets shot, but it adds a lot to the paranoia, and brings us closer to connections with the dad. Maybe you could even have an anecdote about how, once, the narrator was taking a nap and thought he heard a scream and the zinging of a chainsaw and was scared something happened to his mom, but it was just the TV and people outside with a really loud lawn mower. It might be over the top, but if it seems like you could fit it in, it would really help with how paranoid he is about his mom getting hacked.
[Suddenly I hear a knock, knock, knock on da bathroom door. Guess Momma’s gotta do a number two.] Maybe an “angry knock, knock, knock” would do. And instead of commas, you could have hyphens to show how rapid the knocking is. Wait, let me revamp the sentence again: “Suddenly I hear a real angry knock-knock-knock (italics) on da bathroom door. Guess Momma’s really gotta do a number two.” The reason why the knocking part is more emphasized, is because a male fist is a lot more heavier and robust than a female’s fist and knocking style. You know what’s weird? I have this idea that women knock more with the joints of the fingers whereas men knock by turning the back of their hands and doing it with their knuckles—I’m just weird, but it’s the only way I could explain the loudness of a male knocking. And all my brothers are really rude. But anyway.
The breathing vent is still muy excellento to me, so please don’t change it. D: And now I see how suiting “cold as Death’s dick” is for that part.
[Or maybe she really did use one of dem coffee cans. I hope not, dough. Dat’s kinda gross.] LOL! I totally overlooked this before!
It’d be more gruesome if he used his chainsaw. I’m sorry, I have a fascination with people cutting other people up with a chainsaw, I’m dying to see it happen. But wouldn’t it be more suiting, especially since he started taking meth after he got it good on the noggin while on the job? Okay, see, there I am trying to convince you to make the father bring out a chainsaw.
I’m sick—but can you? D:?
And then to describe the chain saw resting on the narrator’s shoulder or the back of his neck, it’ll feel like a REALLY large zipper or something. Oh, my, I’m so excited! :3!
Well, maybe the suggestions were somewhat helpful. The accent still kills me. God, I’m so easily amused.
Thanks for letting me know—if there’s any other stories that need attention (I’m seriously sorry for overlooking the most important aspect of this story, I sweat) just feel free to let me know. Anything that has to do with writing or reviewing is relevant information that I would never delete from my site.
Rock on, Forrest!
| The Breakdancing Ninja chapter 1 . 8/12/2006
The Breakdancing Ninja gives this story a 4 out of 5 for its total hilarity and crisp read. Simple story, smooth transitions, great title. Refer to the criticism below for more details.
Dude, I saw “Larry the Cable Guy impersonation” in your profile and that was it for me—I’m totally there. I don’t think I’ve came here early enough for “Foreshowering”, so it’ll be all new to me. I just opened it and saw this Southern accent all OVER the place. This is going to kill me. You know how much this kind of stuff cracks me up. I’m so racist.
Let me just say—I scrolled all the way down, and I just realized how short this story was. I mean, have these stories been getting shorter and shorter on purpose? I’m not complaining, I’m just asking. I don’t really have a preference for the length of your stories because you know how to keep them pretty damn interesting.
Man, even from the -very beginning-—I could totally tell that this has got to be the most racist thing I’ve read in a while. [“Don’t take all the warm water.”] I think of Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel from the Simpsons. LOL They must be hella poor if they have to worry about all the warm water being used up. That used to be me. Seriously. Living back home, it totally blew because there was my mom, my dad, and my aunt, and by the time it’d get to me I’d be freezing my ass off.
[‘Cause we only gots one bathroom now I gotta make an announcement when I’m gunna be in dur for awhile.] With this sentence, is it: ‘We only have one bathroom now (but we used to have two or three) so now I have to…’ Or is it: ‘Because we only have one bathroom, I have to make an announcement that I’m going to use it now.’? D:?
I think I’m just hyper or something, but I was giggling like a school girl at the shit out of luck pun LOL
[I grabs a towel and a washcloth from da mini-closet and I make muh way inta da bathroom.] okay lmfao I’m not posting this sentence for any other reason than the accent which is #$%$* HILARIOUS, shit I’m dying reading this.
LMFAO! You used “daggum”!1 SHIT. Oh, man I could totally picture this guy with Chiclet teeth talking with this thick accent. It makes me think of Dave Chapelle. Or Billy Blanks, that guy who invented Tai Bo. LOL I like how you characterize this guy as looking just like his dad. It really paints a picture of how close he is to his family. When I read stories, I usually picture people as separate entities, apart from a family and a normal life, you know? It’s like, they’re clones or something that have no lineage. This is good, though. [Too bad I favor muh ol’ man so much.] I just have a question about that one sentence. I’m not really good at wanker dialect (roflmao), but doesn’t “favor” mean, like, a good thing? Or does “favor” in this context mean, you know, to resemble someone closely? Is there another word you could use in place of “favor” that’ll fit the accent sound more clear? Because from the rest of the paragraph, I get this sense that he doesn’t exactly like his father that much. Oh, and now that I think about it, this phrase: [and even his daggum teeth (I swear we evolved from rabbits).] I keep expecting the parenthetical expression to have an apostrophe or something in there to indicate twang. I read it and I realized you could say it in a Southern accent without changing the spelling, but I think it’s the phrase “I swear we evolved” that really gets to me. I don’t doubt that he would say that, but I think it would be better as a description. If he just said straight out, “like big ol’ rabbits’ teeth” or something like that. I don’t know, I don’t want to make your character sound too stereotypically Southern or anything.
LOL Hey, have you seen that one episode of Robot Chicken with Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff? Sean Connery is in it, and he says in his Sean Connery voice: “It’s colder than a witch’s teet” and I BUSTED UP. Okay, anyway, “witch’s cunt” is so lewd. I love it. [are jus’ a poppin’ up] LOL [Dough I guess I could always tell a fib and say sumptin’ about muh nine-inch pecker. Say dat I almost step on it or sumptin’. But hey, I’s a humble feller.] Shit, there’s so much about this that’s hilarious. Man, reading this story makes me feel like a kid in a candy store. “Dough” lmfao!1 “I’s a humble feller” holy shit, Forrest, I don’t care if this is your natural dialect, it’s RACIST as all hell. Man, if there was a racist, club I’d nominate you for president—oh, wait. There is one. Hahaha I can’t join, though. Have fun without me. XD! -looks around. hugs Forrest.- c_c
[I mean, it don’t shatter or nuthin’, but da shower door now looks like a fuckin’ plumber.] It looks like a plumber? How does a door look like a plumber? And mine back at home is so ghetto that you have to be careful how you slide it open or it falls out of the frame and hits you in the head. XD;;
[all high-pitched and womanlike as a spurt of water comes a rushin’ out.] Okay, I have to tell you something that has nothing to do with your story, but there’s this thing that PITA did. Don’t tell me what it stands for, but basically it’s full of people who get buckwild crazy every single time some French chef splits a live lobster in half on National Television—they released an article about how lobsters SCREAM when they’re placed in hot water. Like, ‘Oh, it’s so sad because when lobsters are placed in hot water pots just for the CRUEL enjoyment of restaurant goers, they scream in pain.’ Actually, they don’t scream—some hot shot scientist showed them who’s boss—because like, the screaming sound they’re hearing is actual the sound of hot air coming out of the shell creating a high-pitched whistle. Like a shriek or a kettle. But when I think of showers turning on in that real high-pitched way, I think of lobsters screaming. But lobsters don’t really have vocal cords so they can’t exactly yell if they wanted to anyway. …Oh, and one time, my friend Jennifer drew in her text book a lobster walking a dog. LMAO! Okay, I’m done. I’m so sorry.
[As it’s doin’ its thang, I check me out in da mirrer sum more. Da poor eyesight’s a lot more flatterin’.] LOL! I know, I’m blind as a bat, and everyone looks extremely sexy to me, so whenever I point at a chick or a guy and say: “Dude, she/he is hot”, my friend Michelle who has like 100/100 vision says: “No?” Yeah. I know. “No?” lmfao [Ain’t gotta worry Daddy starin’ back.] this sounds really infantile. It sounds like a child’s worry. Children are frightened of things like that, like unpleasant reflections—adults echo this fear with much deeper pains to spur on the tendencies to avoid certain memories of people we have from time to time. And it’s weird, a mirror is a physical reflection of someone, but it also tells a person a lot about themselves without much soul-searching. The eyes, nose, chin, lips—everything, can tell a lot of things about a person that is very true to their character. If this speaker is worried of seeing himself because he is immediately reminded of his father, there has to be certain qualities that he somewhat acknowledges in his father that he is very afraid he might have in himself.
[Soon da mirrer gits all foggy n’ stuff, which means da water be ready.] I like this. I’ve been wanting to use this in my stories, but I know I’ll always forget, so I’ll tell you in hopes that you might find it useful to this story or any tentative shower scenes, but like, after a long time of showers having steam, depending on what kind of paint the ceiling in the bathroom has, it’ll start bubbling and peeling. And sometimes, mold will collect in the corners. I don’t know, maybe you could also use this to tell the duration of time, like how long they’ve been living in this small apartment.
Do you really lather your shampoo in your hand? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose? I thought you lather facial cleanser in your hand, but if its shampoo, you lather it right in your hair? Unless I’ve been doing it wrong this whole time? I don’t know, maybe I have, because I have this gross habit of brushing my teeth in the shower. It totally freaked out my classmates in grade school. lmao
[I bend down and pick it up. I got no idea why it made such a boom. Da bottle’s half empty.] Shit, now I wish I was here for your earlier stories, so I’d know what this meant. I bet this is one of the foreshadowing thingies? Oh, let me go back: [As I’m rubbin’ da shampoo inta muh hair I guess I hit da bottle with muh elbow or sumptin’ ‘cause dat sucker drops like a fifteen-pound dumbbell.] I was thinking about this, and I know for a fact that even if the narrator isn’t a complete scholar, he’ll still have a mind for linguistics. I think instead of “As I’m rubbin’”, I think he would say “As I’s rubbin’” so it would be a lot closer to “As I was rubbin’” and that would sound a lot better tense-wise. I read it out loud and it sounds totally awesome. Hrm. I won’t harass you about that anymore. XD;;
Yeah, the shower provides me with “some good thankin’ time” too. LOL! No, but really, that’s where I think of the nuances for my stories. [A few snifferoos of da ol’ armpits will usually tell, dough.] lmao how CUTE!
[Diss one bathroom stuff really sucks. Muh ol’ house had three bathrooms.] Okay, this answered my question from way up there. Thanks. XD;;
[A yard, for instance.] *“YAWD”. lmao!1 Please?
Omg, did you REALLY live in a place called “Polkville”? I would totally die if you did.
[Fight or flight type stuff.] Linguistically, -typa’- would sound pretty cool.
[A big nasty bitch named Crystal Meth.] ROFLMFAO adrlgh
[He’d climb up in doze trees like a dang monkey or sumptin’, maneuverin’ around up dur with dat heavy chainsaw and a buncha other crap.] Instead of “maneuverin’”, can you use an onomatopoeia? Oh, holy mother of God, thank spell check. I totally killed that word. Onomatopoeia. LOL Ling, “zing zingin’” in italization? Or “whir-whirrin’” or something like that?
[A big ass limb from farther up in da tree crashed down on top of his noggin.] I think it’s years of watching America’s Funniest Home Videos that totally got me into laughing at physical pain. Seriously, every time someone mentions it—not even mentions it, but they somehow allude to someone hitting their head to make it sound less painful, I laugh like crazy. I’m like: “LAWL” and they go: “Uh, that’s not. Really funny... you know. c_c”
[So Daddy started a poppin’ dem extra-strength Tylenols like dey wuz M&Ms, but dat over-da-counter crap whun’t good ‘nuff.] Eminem said this in a song once. Something about someone eating some type of medication because they thought they were M&Ms. I love Eminem. And M&Ms. Especially the peanut butter kind. :3 I liked the segue into “Crystal Meth”, by the way. But now I feel stupid for laughing at it so much. I swear, I thought that was the name of some Chinese prostitute or something. LOLOL
But anyway, that was really good.
[It whun’t ‘til he started seein’ full-blown tanks in our front yard dat I realized sumptin’ whun’t right.] “whun’t” is so good. *“YAWD”. Come on! You know you want to!
You know, the accent is so hilarious, that I sort of override the sad things that happen. Especially the father’s decline into paranoia to the point where he starts accusing the mother of infidelity—that is so sad! You know how sensitive I usually am about that kind of stuff. But I can’t help it, the accent is hilarious. I don’t know how you make this kind of stuff funny. I keep thinking back on “Blood, Cum and Dildo Crosses” and the time my boyfriend and I read it because like, that is a REALLY sad story but I was just crackin’ up all over the place. Anton Chekhov though said that he writes very depressing stories because he isn’t really all that sad of a person—but it’s people who write funny and happy stories that he pities the most, because they have a lot of pain in their lives. Is that you? D:?
[or else I’d be all over him like butter on cornbread.] ee(ee)ee(ee)!1 cute! [Nobody messes with muh momma n’ gits away wit it.] Here, here!
[We put up with da abuse for three lawng years, ‘til one night muh dad pulled out a gun and threatened ta turn her inta “tomater soup” ‘less she finely confessed ta cheatin’. All dat night I stayed ‘tween ‘em ‘til thangs finely settled down ‘bout five in da mornin’.] Oh, my god! D:! I’m glad those two left! I’m even glad the father didn’t pull the trigger!
[I thanks so.] Can’t it just be “thank”? Or even “thankso”?
[we jumped on it like a nigger on a white gurl (anuther of Daddy’s sayins).] LMFAO!
[So far we been lucky] This is missing punctuation at the end.
[Whoa, I’m takin’ a shower!] O shit I forgot too lololol
[Guess it’s kinda like doze spooky movies whur da zombie loses its head but keeps on a walkin’.] It’s strange, but appropriate that the narrator uses this analogy. I think that’s what long years of wondering what’ll happen to you feels like. Everything gravitates toward the center of your thoughts until you’re doing things subconsciously. It’s weird, but they moved into the apartment a few months ago, right? And the character is still settling in, thinking about everything as if it just happened yesterday. The details are vivid in his mind (like the tomato soup thing) even after all those weeks have passed. Usually, traumatic things pass by in a blur; it sensible that he would remember, though. They happened frequently and were milestones in the relationship between his parents. Poor guy.
[Da breathin’ of da vent has stopped.] It’s freakish that you used breathing. I don’t know, but a breathing vent is a really creepy image. I love it!
[It’s about as cold in hur as Death’s dick (yet another sayin’ from muh daddy).] LOL!
[It’s kinda like comparin’ peanut butter to shoe shine.] lmfao so random
[I know it probably sounds like I bitch a lot ‘bout diss hur apartment, but I jus’ miss muh ol’ house. And muh ol’ school. And muh ol’ life. I even miss muh daddy] Even though the narrator sounds older, I think of a child. I’ll make sure to include his touching simplicity in my ending comments. I’m really touched. Shush, you.
[den I wrap da wet towel ‘round muh waist ta hide dat nine-inch pecker I’s talkin’ ‘bout earlier.] LOL!
Ew, Jessica Simpson.
[My tummy’s as tight as an infant’s pussy (not a sayin’ from Daddy).] lmfao I think you could take the italics off “not”.
I like how the story uses the same exact descriptions for the son as it did for the father. And man, tomato soup!
Ahh! These stories! Ohh LAWDY-LAWDY!
The voice of the narrator, though hilarious, is very innocent, almost naïve. Even if he makes lewd comments, his frame of mind is trapped in where it stopped concerning the end of the happy part of the marriage. The story touches on the paranoia of the past, how anger stays a part of our thoughts like photonegatives. I don’t know, but after you see a parent angry, you could almost envision them hacking you between the eyes with a hatchet. It’s natural, because anger, much like sadness, transports itself from person to person, almost like a yawn. It’s not hard to envision someone killing someone else after seeing them vehemently angry, in fact, a million things could be assessed and there could be a million possibilities. That intangible fear that someone might SNAP is the core of a child’s fear of their parents. When addressing this fear, one must analyze the threat through the eyes of a child. Logic coincides directly with emotion and get tangled and produce all the pulp-filled images that people have in their minds but can’t identify.
The story does much better with reminiscing than it does with addressing that fear. The ending is a little corny, but it helps a person realize the daydream-like state in which the story was written. In fact, the story is probably more frustrated with the mom at the current time than the father, even though it seems like the only way around. It seems like, even in such a small space, the mom is taking up all the air, and so the son feels cramped up. And all she does is shit all the time. He has to find time to meditate before his mom comes barging in wanting to shit all over the place.
He probably misses the sense of balance that was a part of his parents’ happier days, where the mother and father figure couldn’t override each other.
That’s it for the Hertz analysis.
You’ve improved immensely in just a few months, I can’t imagine how much you’ve had to recreate this story to bring it up to date with all the improvements you’ve made since two YEARS ago! It was fun to read, sharp, clean and easy—er, not clean in that way, but it was a clean read, like, without much trouble.
I can’t tell you how hilarious I think that accent is. I almost died. I miss Larry. :
This was a fun read, Forrest. Rock ON!
| sketchingaCYNiC chapter 1 . 8/11/2006
that was really well-written - the way you portray the guy is really ... just amazing. the way you slip in his situation like that. the beginning was a little slow i'll admit, but setting the scene - well, i have no gripes about this story. you were recommended at fp_review and boy, did you deserve it. :D great ending. you got a lot of talent.
| mezzie chapter 1 . 8/10/2006
don't usually get myself into reading stories, though admittedly i've no good reason why not to. caught my attention here though. great character development, and the southern touch really does give the boy a voice in my head. i love all his little idioms. they got me attached to him quickly, and genuinely sad for the ending.
| Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 8/7/2006
Hey baby! I have to address the issues presented in both ‘Jew’ and ‘Mel Gibson poem’ because I don’t want you to think what you were kind of thinking, because that’s not want I wanted you to think (and I don‘t think that sentence makes sense, but I‘m free-flowing speaking my mind here-)
‘Jew’ actually has nothing to do with Mel Gibson. I don’t know if you’ve heard this because Seattle is usually ignored by the masses but there was a huge shooting at the Jewish Federation in Seattle in late July; one woman was killed and six others were seriously injured. The man basically walked into the building and pointed his gun at a group of women and children, all about a mile from where I’m living, and all because they were Jewish. I take persecution very seriously, I don’t want you to think that I hate Christians because I don’t, I just hate the teachings of Christianity. I think they’re mostly used as bullying tactics and I don’t think that’s healthy for people to grow up in. I also think that its hypocritical to hate on a group of people who very well could be descended from Jesus Christ himself. That’s how I see Judaism, the closest form of Jesus Christ that we as humans on earth would ever get to know. Obviously, with both ‘Jew’ and ‘Mel Gibson Poem’ I was more then a little miffed while writing them. But I wrote ‘Jew’ about a week and a half ago and held off on posting it until the whole Mel saga happened, which fueled a strongly worded re-write and a companion Mel poem. But ‘Jew’ still has nothing to do with Mel.
I think that Mel Gibson made a huge mistake, and I agree that he is still human, but that type of behavior and bigamist is completely fucked up in a modern world where people are listening to what you say. I think if he were an average joe it wouldn’t have made that big of a difference because he is just one man, but when you’re in the public eye, you have followers, and fans, and people who are susceptible to that kind of influence. It really sucks because I used to be such a huge Gibson fan, but now, I don’t know, I think it’s ruined for me.
You said that I make a religion out of being non-religious and that is so true. I grew up Catholic (which is Mel Gibson‘s chosen religion not Christianity which has a whole additional spectrum of anti-Semitism attached to it) and then when I was about twelve I converted to Christianity until I was fourteen and became the ‘faithless/fearless Juliet you see today.’ Like I said, I don’t hate Christians (except for the ones I‘ve met personally) I just hate their teachings. And I know that not all Christians are horrible; take yourself for instance, I wouldn’t even bother writing this explanation if I didn’t think you would actually read it and see where I’m coming from, a lot of ‘Christians’ wouldn’t take the time to allow someone else’s thoughts to matter.
I agree with what you said about art, writing is art and it should be what it is and not sugar coated for the publics viewing pleasure. I think a lot of writers give up themselves just to please a demographic.
So, I posted ‘Jew’ and ‘Mel Gibson Poem’ right on top of each other, but Mel is in the Mel poem and Seattle and Jesus are in the Jew poem. Hope that makes sense.
Also, I didn’t get any of the subtleties in ‘Forshowering’ that you mentioned in the review (forgive me?) maybe if you had written something like: he turned on the shower and heard a louder than usual accompanying scream that sounded similar to a woman dying the next room - I could have gotten it, but all of those details blended into the actually story too smoothly and I didn’t catch all of those nuances. I would bow, but I don’t bow to men, but I can give you a little curtsy.
FEARLESS - oh no wait, I mean Faithless Juliet out. (Kisses)
“People always told me, be careful what you do, don‘t go around breaking young girls hearts/ and mother always told me, be careful who you love/ and be careful what you do because a lie becomes the truth/ billie jean is not my lover, she‘s just a girl who thinks that I‘m the one, but the kid is not my son.”
| Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 8/6/2006
I tell Momma dat I’m about ta git a shower and she says, “Don’t take all the warm water.” I smile and say, “I won’t.” - It may just be me, (and you are the grammar king so feel free to ignore me on this) but I think it would be better if you broke that up into two paragraphs because two separate people are talking. It feels strange to me to read it as it is, like: ‘I smile and say, “I won’t.”’ should be on another line.
“Got his thick curly hair and big bushy eyebrows and even his daggum teeth (I swear we evolved from rabbits). It’s like I cain’t escape him no matter how much time ‘n distance is put ‘tween us. All I gotta do is look in a mirrer and dur he be.” - I couldn’t help but wander over to your MySpace page before reading this, and this kind of matches the picture I saw. I think you’re cute; I like boys with hair. If I saw you on the street I’d be like ‘Hey baby what’s up?’ But that’s just the kind of girl that I am - and that grandma on comment was hilarious.
“It’s about as cold in hur as a witch’s cunt (an old sayin’ from muh daddy).” - My dad used to say “It‘s as cold as a witch‘s tit” (fathers, I can only shake my head sometimes)
“But hey, I’s a humble feller.” - My personal experience with guys is, if you brag you usually aren't packing a large load. The first sign of insecurity is to enhance the lies about your flaws.
“Ya see, Momma and Daddy got separated. It wuzn’t one of dem mutual deals, either. It wuz one of dem survival deals. Fight or flight type stuff. And it’s all because muh daddy had a new lover. A big nasty bitch named Crystal Meth. Dough her friends call her “Speed” or “Crank.” All I know is she’s a home-wrecker.” - I really like how you turn the drug into an actual physical manifestation; it’s a home-wrecker rather than an object.
“Da paranoia jus’ got worser and worser. Started sayin’ he saw guys crawlin’ in n’ out dur bedroom winder and shit. Started accusin’ Momma of screwin’ every guy in da county. He’d call Momma a slut and a whore and a cum bag and a buncha other bad stuff. Daddy’d hit her, too. And choke her. And slap her. Threaten ta kill her. All ‘less she confessed ta cheatin’ on him, which she couldn’t do since she whun’t cheatin’ ta begin with.” - This whole passage really hit home for me; that was the last few years of my parents marriage in a nutshell. My father was/is very abusive, he would rather hurt people with words then with fists, but he did get violent with us from time to time. He was paranoid, but not in the same way - he wanted to catch my mother cheating (even though she wasn‘t) because he wanted to be the victim in the situation and get all the sympathy. He wants people to hurt him and leave him so he pretend that he’s the one who’s been wronged. It took me a long time to figure that out; like every time I told him that I hated him, or ran away it was just fueling it all the more worse for everyone. My mother and I perfected the art of silence with him; the hardest thing to do in life is to not react when you or someone you love is being hurt.
“Or else I’d be all over him like butter on cornbread.” - That is so southern.
“Nobody messes with muh momma n’ gits away wit it.” - I feel the same way; if anyone even looks at my mother wrong I’d be all over their asses.
“It’s about as cold in hur as Death’s dick” - Interesting, you have a lot of catch phrases in this.
“I know it probably sounds like I bitch a lot ‘bout diss hur apartment, but I jus’ miss muh ol’ house. And muh ol’ school. And muh ol’ life. I even miss muh daddy, even dough he ain’t da same man he used ta be; I still love him. Always will I guess. I jus’ hope n’ pray dat he finds da strength inside himself ta overcome his demons n’ return ta his ol’ self ‘gain. Den we can all forgit ‘bout deeze last few years and go back ta da way thangs used ta be.” - I went through that phase; my parents got divorced when I was twelve but they had been seperated for a few years prior to that. No matter how bad it was when they were together a part of me still wanted them to get back together, to be normal and a whole unit again. It’s hard for me to be around my father now, because I’m older and less forgiving of the way he reacts and the things he does, literally because I have the power to walk away and never come back. But a part of me still loves him, not for the things he does, but because he’s my father. I can’t forget him or erase him or change him. I’m still trying to come to terms with my past, and understand it all. Like I have memories from when I was a kid and I didn’t understand the full scope of what I was remembering until I got much older which in a way makes the wounds much more deeper to live with and understand. I guess what I’m trying to get at is that I really like how you portray the complexities of these relationships. The father’s not a lovable guy, but there’s still love there between them.
“I reel ‘round ta find a man behind me— a man with thick curly hair n’ big bushy eyebrows. He smiles at me with his big rabbit teeth and says, “Howdy, son.” - I’, kind of torn about the ending on this. You always end your stories where I would probably feel the need to begin them. But we’re different writers and that’s what makes writing cool.
I’m torn about the dialect as well; a part of me really likes that you’ve given the ascent a major role but it got annoying sometimes as well, and it really made me have to read it a lot slower then I like to read things and if it had been any longer I would have lost interest.
My favorite part of this story was definitely the complexities of the relationship between your main character and his father, for the obvious reasons, and with the dialect being such a major component here it made the story feel kind of unreal to me (could be because I‘m a North-Westerner,) but the father/son relationship really helped to ground this story. I don’t really see the point of the mother, until the end that is. The whole taking a shit (thing) seemed strange to me, and kind of unneeded, maybe if you portrayed her as like making cookies or something rather than the image of her taking a shit I would have felt more sorry for her in the end.
I think it’s cool that you’re writing a novel, as you mentioned in one of your previous reviews. I’ve started so many (actually finished a few) but it’s so hard for me to stick it through to the end. I did that November National Writing month thing last year and I got half way through before I realized that I had no idea where I wanted the story to go and I stopped. When I was younger I wrote nothing but fiction, I was short-story-girl, but then when I got into my teens I transferred to all poetry and it’s been hard to get back into it, but I still have hundreds of pages of ideas and notes and I actually get up the inspiration to finish a story or two. I think you’re talented, and you could pull a novel off. Keep up the good work.
| Lukertin chapter 1 . 8/6/2006
I'm pretty sure I read the first version of this, long ago when it was still on your account. So here we go delving inside again!
For some reason the accent gets me-it sounds more like eubonics to me than a Southern accent. Lol. I remember the basic plotline from the original story, so not much of this comes out as a surprise. From what I remember, the dad was a drunk. Here, he's a junkie. From what I remember, the evolution of the character's dad is done much better in this version, as well.
What's 'mater soup? Cuz mater is latin for mother. If you know this, what the hell is the apostrophe, and if you don't , what the hell is 'mater?
A favorite of mine are the little sayings that go through the character's mind-i always thought that gave some flavor to stories. Palahniuk would do stuff like that. I suppose I should too, if i ever went ahead with the narrative prose stuff.
Your writing always seems to have like a sudden, semi-surprise ending that's subtly hinted at, and the ending is almost always resolved. It's like the climax of the story comes, and then it's all over-I certinaly hope repeat readings of your stories dont turn me into a perverted two-minute man, the way listening to Tool gives me an inexplicable desire to drink goat's blood, draw pentagrams in my backyard and dance naked at midnight.
It's all in good taste, though. Read the following at your own risk (review ends here):
Finally, in response to your latest review on Cruising, I have to slap you in the face, repeatedly. The poem is about drugs. It's based on real activity, when a friend and I crusied around trying to find a non-sketchy place out of sight to light up while it was raining heavily. We found a porter-potty to do the deed (Make all the shit jokes you want). I ended up cruising around a little lost for like 2 hours after taking the wrong highway connector back home. I tried to capture the light paranoia, confusion, and worry that people like me would be feeling. I made my way into Walmart for something to eat, ran into an old friend who I highly suspected of having recently smoked weed as well, then was given the evil stare by some 70-old shelf stocker as I wandered back and forth in the food aisle for a good ten minutes.
Well, I'm off to screw my neighbor. I guess her husband can't provide for her needs-it's up to me to keep her pacified. A daunting task indeed. I don't know what she will do when I leave for school, but that isn't my concern at all.
| Penguins and Popsicles chapter 1 . 8/6/2006
Oh my God. This is one of the best-characterized pieces I've ever seen in a while. I first thought you atually wrote like that, but then, I thought, "What the hell, let me read this." But, God, that was so brilliant. You had a hard time writing this, didn't you? Brilliant job. Keep up the good work. 3