|Reviews for The Gods Dream Green Dreams|
| thefilmchick chapter 1 . 1/23/2010
You have a good tone to it. It doesn't feel phonily poetic, because you've kept the wording simple. If you'd used really complicated synonyms, it would have gone to pot - so good wording choice.
You've established the nature spirits/godlings/whatever they might be in a way that maintains my suspension of disbelief; I believe they're there, in the context of the story (oftentimes, fantastical creatures-in-the-real-world-or-analogue can feel shoehorned in and fake, and I don't get that here.) I'd like to know a little more about how old they're supposed to be or seem, as it were. They seem like young teenagers, maybe a year or two older than Thomas.
I ask myself whether the godlings would know what a car is. I think if you described it as something a bit more simple (don't turn it into a big thing, though), it wouldn't jar.
When you have actions like 'Feather leans against Angel's leg,' a little more description might be warranted, especially since I don't totally know what type of creatures these are. Does the lean feel heavy? Is it, as her name suggests, featherweight? Is Angel's leg like a satyr's? You get the idea. A lot of times, the sparsity works well, but when there's a normal, humanlike action, I'm not quite sure what to make of it.
'Cast his sentience' feels a little clinical to me compared to the rest of the first paragraph. I think it's the word 'sentience.' Would 'awareness' work just as well, or are you trying to establish him as a sentient (as in self-aware) being?
'A little while still' reads awkwardly - I think 'a little while, yet' would be a bit more intelligible (and you need a quotation at the start.) Cut out that first 'Tom,' since it's clear who's speaking and who's listening (and you use 'Tommy' only a few lines down).
I wasn't sure who the 'she' was staring up at River, from the way the sentence was written. I know it's Feather, but it isn't immediately clear.
Angel's sudden decision to check the road feels a little abrupt. I would either a) give us insight into why he decided to do that or b) have the other characters react to him like it's abrupt, if you don't want to reveal.
Take what helps; leave the rest! Good job.
| DeepSeaDragon chapter 9 . 9/22/2009
Wow. Sad and beautiful, that's what this story is. The writing is mind-bogglingly poetic. That's real talent, man.
I can't help but feel sorry for pretty much every character involved. Even The Christian came off as vaguely sympathetic in his own misguided way. The conclusion of the story was pretty shocking, and I was left with mixed emotions. I'm not quite sure what I'm walking away from this with, but I do know that it was told beautifully and chock full of majestic imagery.
I'll be thinking about this one for a while. Well done.
| Darwin chapter 9 . 11/5/2008
That was certainly not the ending I was expecting - nor did I think that Thomas would so willingly go to his fate considering the experience in the woods...
Nicely written throughout.
| Darwin chapter 4 . 11/5/2008
One word: Whoa!
| Darwin chapter 3 . 11/5/2008
"inbetween" hit by the quick edit!
Well now that was a surprise...heh. And I'm now getting the impression that these are not young adults or even teens, but subteens...
Okay I'm a little slow on the ball today! It's the work that's what it is!
| Darwin chapter 2 . 11/5/2008
Okay straight up interesting interlude there. I didn't really see anything wrong with the entry. It's short...but I think that fits for your storytelling here.
You certainly have a flair for creating curiosity in your readers. What precisely is his mission...what happened to him...and what exactly is the cause behind his "Contracting."
I'm looking forward to finding out...
Perhaps one more chapter? Yes I think so!
| Darwin chapter 1 . 11/5/2008
Hey bud! Here to return the favor!
Just starting, but I like to review as I go, so bear with me.
The first little paragraph is lovely for it's allusions. I have to say that...the comparisons you make to the nature around him does a lot to tie him to his environment.
Okay as with all I review, I will tell you that I am a critquer...and that everything I critique is from my own limited knowledge of flow and grammar and mechanics. you are free to take or leave whatever you like.
On with the show:
"Angel hears birds caw-cawing to one another and the buzzing of a billion insects comes together like fine gossamer music."
This is a little awkward as written, might I suggest: "Angel listens as the caw-cawing of the birds conversing and the buzzing of a billion insects, their voices coming together like fine gossamer music."
Do you want to say water-face, or reflection? I had a hard time the first couple times I saw that realizing what you were trying to say. Is this an idosyncracy of these sprites?
"his own face gazing back at him, both of them bored." I'm tickled by this. Nice turn of phrase.
A CD player? Wow...snicker...sorry...
There is an interesting subtext going on here. It's so far eluding me right now what exactly is passing between these three characters. I get the impression River and Feather are at something behind Angel's back. Then again, I think Angel is a relatively unapproachable person, just by this little bit of story.
The character descriptions are a little scarce here. I'm not sure whether that is because you are trying to keep their appearance a secret until an outsider sees them, or whether you are leaving it to your readers to decide.
From experience I know that readers like character details.
The feel of the forest is pretty well handled, and so is the impending intersection of these two groups of people.
I'm going to read another chapter tonight (and then get back to work) if you have any questions about the things I've written here, please feel free to email me and we can discuss it.
| Bunburyodo chapter 9 . 4/5/2008
Very intense story! So Thomas befriends the Christian? I hope you plan to continue this story, or at least write a sequel!
| ecwix chapter 3 . 6/19/2007
-""Tu fui ego eris," his reflection says."
I'm a bit confused about your Latin here. "You have been... I shall be?" Is that what you're trying to say? Are you playing around with the "I" and "eris" by putting the verb in second person, implying that the "I" is also the "you"?
-"He let(')s her."
Um, "He let us her."?
Okay, I like the Latin part (yay, learning Latin actually has done something!), but I'm a bit confused about your intentions.
Are readers supposed to be able to know what Thomas says/hears in Latin? I sort of did, and I think that gave me a huge hint of the connection between Thomas and The Christian. If you want some help on the little Latin phrase, I can try to help. :P
| ecwix chapter 2 . 6/19/2007
-"Although some have taken to calling him The Christian, few recognize the meaning behind that name. Most don't call him anything, they just give their orders and send him off."
Okay, this sentence leads to some... pronoun-antecedent confusion. Readers can't really tell who the "him" is. Although I guessed it was the "man in white" at first, there was that little doubt that maybe it was describing the "Demagogue" and was just another aspect of that man's character that one didn't know about yet.
Hm, strange. I'm starting to wonder how everything is going to come together-how you're going to fit all your characters, who all seem to live in different worlds, into one big, interesting story. :)
| ecwix chapter 1 . 6/19/2007
-["]A little while still, Tom."
Oops, forgot the starting quote.
O, wonderful start. I like your characters already, and I'm very curious about what society or whatever gave River, Feather, and Angel their names. :)
Okay... going to read more now...
| Rozovian G chapter 1 . 3/27/2007
I read this story the other day when didn't accept any log-ins. It's a cool story, with both some fresh imagery and some classic, typical dreamshell stuff. It's close to the best of both worlds in that way. I was a little bothered by the way you created an allegorical image of something in one chapter and revealed it to be something else in thye following chapter. Maybe it's just in my head, but the very, I dunno, lyrical, wording suggests there's lots of hidden meanings. I guess it's just up to the individual person's own interpretation.
You might expect me not to be too thrilled about your usage of God in it, but personal preference and worldview aside, it's a good working. There's always the possible interpretation of the Christian being three fries short of a happy meal: wacko.
What remains in my head after this, aside from a very... I dunno, video-game-esque visual of the forest and the temple; the Demagogue. The idea of a character identified as "the Demagogue" is brilliant, and in context, his relationship with the Christian is worth some examination: are you saying christians are too politically correct, following the rule of the majority? If so, I agree.
In short: it's weird, beautiful, symbolic, and alarming, all at once. Nice one, buddy!
| JaveHarron chapter 9 . 3/15/2007
Certainly a poetic, but certainly intense story. The Christian was quite a character. The man was a demented assassin who obviously didn't take too well to even dead gods. Perhaps an allegory to monotheism crushing polytheism, and then some?
| Timothy Stillman chapter 1 . 1/21/2007
If i could put this review on each of dreamshell's stories, I would. He is already far and away a writer to be reckoned with. He sees life up close and reports on it in viscereal terms and in sheer contemplative poetic terms. He is a fearless writer, a very nice and good person, whose sense of humor, love of puns, knowledge of writers like Lovecraft, and movies of unbounded comedy and of horror movies. He knows something of the clockwork of all of us and has this indelible ability to say to the world when it is confused about itself, when it is locked in close up, that to go further in, to bore to the bone, or to the heart, many times at once. His work like him is an Autumn love world, of September and November leaves. He is a thought, a memory, a real person, someone who can split himself into endless amounts of fictional characters who he imbues with life and character. In his other name, he is always closing in on what other writers can't or won't chance, steely eyed, while still clear eyed, going to places where people live more than they would like to admit. He is funny and knows Lord of the Flies backward and forwards, and soon will be a film maker and a published writer, and I for one, thank him for so vastly many things-I will never be able to read John Updike, because he writes in that vein at times, and we read "Terrorist" together, or Ray Bradbury, whose work his manages to tie at the top of the list, and because we read "The October Country" together, and he reads that book every October. A writer appears now and then who is on the cusp, who remembers childhood, who passes down werewolf gloves to the next Halloween champeen, who is not afraid, who has had a life with more than a few shadows, but always conquering them, always bright as a penny newly minted, I will never be able to read those writers again, without thinking of Dreamshell, I shall never be able to read Lovecraft again without the thought of him in my head, and blessings for that. Some of us fall apart. Some of us get to the keyboard and dream their dreams and prove that the shell is full to overflowing with magic and delight and happiness and horror and sexuality of characters the way "real" people actually are, admit it do they or not. So a salute to Dreamshell and his work here. I was and hopefully one day will still be able to say this to him personally. Till then, read his work, contemplate his wild imagination, and know that one way or the other, you will never be the same and that means you will be something other, something for the better.
| Will oooooo chapter 5 . 12/7/2006
Well, that was certainly intense. The Christian is quite a character, is he the flaming sword of God, or merely a man rescued from hell to do god's bidding?
Regardless, it's very compelling stuff. Even the voice of God is done well, not exactly an easy task for a writer.
Kudos sir, and keep channeling the dreamworld.