|Reviews for Life in 3 lines|
| Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 1/8/2010
I particularly liked the first line, with emphasis on your use of ‘fall’ it make me think that narrator was of lesser size then the subject she speaks of. Like a baby falling from a man’s arms in a since. It was a very strong image in my mind.
The rest of the piece is kind of so-so for me. It was alright, in a way, but I wished that you would have gone on, and expanded that first line. Although, as the title suggests, it is on LIFE in 3 lines. Nice work.
| tonight we bloom chapter 6 . 8/13/2009
This is lovely.
| One-Hand Clap chapter 14 . 4/19/2008
That was lovely. I liked the message most of all, but the imagery was a close second. I TRULY loved the message, though - that although these two teens (I'm assuming they're teens, you see) are waiting for salvation, it's not forthcoming because of what they've been doing (whatever it is that gives you lips parted and fingertips that ache).
A really good series of poems, though. I hope I've helped to some extent.
- Clap Trap, from Review Marathon (link in my profile)
| One-Hand Clap chapter 13 . 4/19/2008
This was also a good poem. Another universal, womanly poem that every female could relate to. I liked that and I also liked how there's an ominous thread to the second line. Why ISN'T he there? It could be that he's out, cheating! Gasp! SHOCKHORROR! .. Sorry, I'm delerious. Also the words: 'smell clinging to the sheets'! Loved it!
| One-Hand Clap chapter 12 . 4/19/2008
'get it as good as I do'
I'm assuming she means sex, so I think it's kind of... Strange wording. I'd fix it up, if I were you!
I also didn't like 'not so little whores'. Because immediately I thought of a short whore, who was like four foot or something. So I was like, "what?"
So I'm not really a fan of this poem, because I don't quite understand it. What they're talking about, really.
| One-Hand Clap chapter 11 . 4/19/2008
'briefest, shortest' isn't necessary. I forget the exact phrase on what you call it, but it looks kind of unnecessary. What do they call it? This is going to annoy me! I think it's double negative, but I could be wrong! Anyways, it means the same thing and you don't need it twice.
I liked, however, how this piece is like a documentation of how women actually, sometimes, feel but will never speak about! It's lovely, because it's universal and relatable.
| One-Hand Clap chapter 10 . 4/19/2008
I like the wisdom weighted in the words of this poem. But I don't think you needed to italicize 'oh' at the beginning of this poem, and I think the first line would read better, instead of:
Oh, beautiful, dizzying- disaster girl,
Oh! Beautiful, dizzying disasted-girl,
But that's just my opinion. I have a habit of mangling every poem I see.
| One-Hand Clap chapter 9 . 4/19/2008
Gotta love your use of words in this poem - GAH, that sounds stupid. I mean, like, love your CHOICE of words in this poem. 'opalescent' - that's just great. I love that word. So I like the vocabulary executed in this poem.
I think, though, to give this an even more bitter edge, you should make the words more choppy and dislocated, stopping and starting, kinda. Like:
A contrast. To be sure.
By the way, have I mentioned yet the coolness of the idea of this story? Life in 3 lines! Genius! I wish I had've thought of it!
| One-Hand Clap chapter 8 . 4/19/2008
Okie, I'm going to be annoying again (as is my way). How about, instead of:
and an acoustic guitar,
and I’m not (quite) as helpless as Cinderella.
and an acoustic guitar -
but I'm not (quite) as helpless as Cinderella.
I think that seeing two 'and's in a row when you could so easily change it to 'but' or remove the second 'and' altogether is kinda annoying. For me. And my persnickety brain.
However, I loved the general feel of this poem - it's so... teenagery! I loved it! You really get a feel for today's typical adolescent through it, and the references to childhood Disney really drives it home.
| One-Hand Clap chapter 7 . 4/19/2008
Could not say one bad word about this chapter. It's perfection. The idea of bearing crosses to help a lover out is really spectacular. And these little words you put together! They're great and really clever. 'Semi-salvation'. Wow!
| One-Hand Clap chapter 6 . 4/19/2008
I thought 'shimmer' and 'shake' bordered a bit to close on the chapter before this one. Also, candle lit can also be one word: candlelit. I loved the notion that was inspired by:
Breathing in romance and breathing out disillusionment
As if they take in romance but leave with nothing short of disillusionment. Like the aftereffects of romance, as natural as breathing, IS disiullisionment! Spectacular! Well done!
| One-Hand Clap chapter 5 . 4/19/2008
Ugnh! This was great! The idea of something 'melting' in the air between two lovers is just... perfection.
I thought, however, that inbetween the stanzas:
Beautiful & fractured & almost serene-
Then I wake up and remember you left me.
A space would look better. It would make the last line punchier. (Haha, punchier - I mean: it would make it really stick out and look even better!)
So like this:
Beautiful & fractured & almost serene-
Then I wake up. And remember you left me.
| One-Hand Clap chapter 4 . 4/19/2008
I didn't like:
I don't know, for some reason it just didn't sit right for me. Maybe try:
I screamed. Screamed & screamed.
Otherwise, fantastic! I loved the basic image that this picture evoked for me. And how she couldn't remember whose arms she was in! Brilliant!
| One-Hand Clap chapter 3 . 4/19/2008
I really loved the imagery of this poem! Especially 'bloody romantic'! Immediately, it conjured images of this bloody girl in a bride's dress (Was that just me? Did you intend that, or is my mind too overactive?). Also 'chemically induced angel'! That's lovely. And the 'afterhint of alcohol'. That's lovely too. I loved the imagery and the wording of this poem.
| One-Hand Clap chapter 2 . 4/19/2008
The basic wording of this poem is what really makes it poignant. The idea is so universal, I think anyone reading could relate, so well done! However, I wouldn't use the term 'angel-love'. Only because my mind immediately hopped over to 'baby-love', and I began humming the song, and I haven't been able to stop. So... Yah.