Reviews for The Sword of Thenos
FamishedNight chapter 17 . 11/16/2011
T. Com chapter 17 . 11/6/2006
Short, but poignant.

A good ending. It could have been a bit longer but it is fine the length that it is.
T. Com chapter 16 . 11/6/2006
That fight scene was very nice. I especially liked Mikaal's speech at the beginning about Mercus burning in the Tenth Hell. That little pre-fight dialogue was a great addition.

A few spelling/grammatical errors but nothing horribly noticeable.

Great job.
T. Com chapter 15 . 11/5/2006
I think you went a little overboard in the skipping over the crucial information like Mikaal's a father! When did that happen? I could understand if they were twins but you say the boy is older than the girl. I thought that Mikaal and Erin were seperated the entire ten years?

The fight scene with Erin was fine indeed and I like the raw emotion both of them displayed. It was a little melodramatic but sometimes that's a good thing and you used it well this time.

Keep up the good work.
Tech-and-Magic chapter 1 . 11/5/2006
Ohh wow what a great opening chapter. I loved the fight and the visuals surrounding it. You have definitely made me curious as to the world you have created.
T. Com chapter 14 . 11/4/2006
Damn. I don't know what is going on but I like where this is going.

Keep 'em coming.
T. Com chapter 13 . 11/4/2006
Thanks for the view on Saga.

The dialogue is much improved in this chapter but I don't know about him finding the God so easily. But I guess Gods are where they are supposed to be when they're supposed to be because they can make it that way. I like you descrition of the Kylops.

Overall, this chapter was probably the best put-together of your chapters so far.

Good job.
T. Com chapter 12 . 11/3/2006
Skipping ten years was a good way to avoid tedium in the story but the introduction was a bit odd. Who's speaking and who are they speaking to? There doesn't really seem to be any reason for it?

I think you should introduce the time differential a bit more organically. Just take that part out and have the characters talk about the state of affairs of the world.

Also, when the two have flashbacks, you should probably seperate those parts with line breaks. It makes the story look cleaner.

Anyway, I'm definitely excited as to what's going to happen next.
T. Com chapter 10 . 10/28/2006
You're getting better with the little details. You didn't go overboard with paragraphs of explanation and sometimes that works even better.

There were a bit more spelling and grammatical errors in this chapter than the previous but nothing severely detrimental.

Keep 'em coming.
T. Com chapter 9 . 10/12/2006
Adding the transitional chapter was a good idea. It filled in some crucial informational gaps for readers.

Michael's pragmatic nature can be a little startling at times but if that's the way you envision the character then go for it.

Keep 'em coming.
T. Com chapter 8 . 10/12/2006
The story still has a lot of promise but it's loosing itself in the details. Such as why, in the last chapter, Micheal's suddenly Mikaal, and there's no sort of explanation.

Your fights scenes, and you may be doing this on purpose, leave something to be desired.

You were doing very well wit hthe world-building at first but it seemed to stagnate in the later chapters. The system of magic that your world uses is rarely mentioned. How normal human Slayers could stand up to Vampires or Werewolves is never even mentioned. Is it that they can use magic the non-humans can't or is it some form of superpowerful sword technique? And if it is the latter then you probably should make some specific mention of it.

Lastly, the romance between Micheal and Erin sounds forced into the most predictable of cliches. It's like they meet and fall in love without any sort of impetus. Besides the initial attraction there isn't any sort of connection between how their acting towards each other in chapter eight and that initial spark.

Romance isn't my strong suite either but that's something I've picked up over the years. Never rush it just to propel a story forward.

Also, Thenos' bit about Michael being stronger, faster doesn't mess right. You could simply have him say that Michael has the potential to be the most powerful being in the world without all those cliched words that better belong in a Matrix rip-off.

Anyway, I like the story, despite what my rant might lead you to believe. I hope you keep on writing.

And don't even bother trying to review my lone story. I might take it down and redo it eventually. It left a bad taste in my mouth.
T. Com chapter 2 . 10/11/2006
Your world-building skills are excellent and the speech in the middle of chapters totally disappeared. I'm liking this story even more.

Some form of line break to denote the switch in character persepctive would make the story flow a little better.

On to the next chapter.
T. Com chapter 1 . 10/10/2006
The story looks fairly promising at this stage. I do have a problem where you have character speech begin in the middle of a paragraph.

Anyway, that's all I've got for now. I'll be keeping an eye out.