Naf, it's Liz.

I said I'd delve into this this weekend, but I couldn't resist. I really hate to gush when I know you want feedback (there will be critique, I promise) but... I don't know how to say how much this has pulled me in. I love the ending, and that's just to the before. I'm like... must not stop reading... fuck econ homework... blow up school so I can focus on this... (you get the point.) It's been a long time since someone's story and characters have interested me as this does.

Onto the actual review.

Are Scythe and Rayth brothers? This seems a bit unclear, but I assumed that they are (similar names - Angela says "I'm the guest..."). I feel that some character description of them would help clear that up - I think that you should give just an inkling of their appearances for the Before, as you did later with Cancer.

Also, is there some way you can hint at Angela's age? I assume she's around eight as Scythe is, but I’m not sure. I like her character already, especially the “I wasn’t a bad person, so I wasn’t going to lie.” This line was so cute – especially for the horror of the story. It resonated because of the juxtaposition. (And that was my outlook at her age, even though we were taught to lie in the caves because we needed money/supplies.)

“An ice-hot blue met me, almost pierced flesh.” Here, I’m not sure about the tense in the second clause. Would it be “almost piercing flesh”? Again, I’m not sure – English grammar still evades me.

I also feel that while Cancer and Angela are speaking, Cancer would move in some way. Like, shift on the bench, or close the thingy that goes over the piano keys while they aren’t in use… just something.

I hope this helps! Again, I really love it. It was hard to pick out little things, and I feel that I was a bit nitpicky. (sorry about that.) I can’t wait to read on, and probably will finish another chapter or so tonight, depending upon their length, and how much I get done of my homework. I can see why Kait raves. ;]

Liz

Great story, I'm lovin' it. :D

Yeah, I don't get it.

_ im kinda confused.

D:

Well. First, I'd like to thank you for producing and sharing with me and the rest of the world this well-crafted, thrilling, mysterious, interesting, and wonderful story. Also, for managing to complete it, which a lot of authors don't, and for sticking with FP (at least for now) when the majority of the talented writers that once posted here fled because of plagiarism (which, obviously, is understandable). What's left is mostly drivel and generic vampire romance that isn't my style. I don't even come around here much myself anymore, the quality has had such a dive. It really makes me sad.

But anyway. I was looking around for a long completed romance, and I found this instead. I say that because although this was placed in the romance category, I found the romance was minimal and very much took a back seat (which is fine by me). I was expecting some dramatic love triangle or something, because I hadn't bothered to check the genre. I usually don't do horror because it makes my stomach turn a bit- and as soon as Bones started up, I was getting uncomfortable, but in that bizarre, you-can't-help-but-look-even-though-you're-freaked-out way. And I was drawn in by it more and more, just waiting to see what strange detail would unfold next. That's another thing I loved- mystery. The Producer-Consumer-Predator angle inserted throughout the chapters let you know something was going on- but you couldn't be sure what exactly that was until you had more pieces. I loved guessing. First I suspected Scythe was the bad guy, then Rayth, then Cancer, then Scythe again, but Cancer continued to unsettle me until the end. The plot was constructed so well, so that everything was important, and came together as a part of the climax and resolution.

And the characters themselves were fascinating. Angela wasn't perfect. I was empathetic to her, and she didn't annoy me. Scythe and Rayth and Cancer were all appropriately two-faced at times. Sometimes, I thought they were average, normal people Angela had a friendship/relationship with. Then others... they terrified, confused, and perplexed me. Out of the three of them I most liked Scythe, despite the fact that he seemed the darkest in a lot of ways, while Cancer I never particularly warmed to (and weirdly- I was right, since he's the mastermind Predator). I was a bit sad at the end when it turned out there was no redemption for Scythe and that there was no romance for them besides the rape attempt which was... well, the opposite of romance.

Now that I've bored you severely with my ramblings, I do have a few unanswered questions for the FAQ if you do one:

1. What happened with Scythe and the car when he was a child? How did the rats get inside? And where was he that he was surrounded by water outside the car? Did his father drive into the water at the beach and leave him? But again, then how did the rats get in, and how did Scythe get out eventually?

2. Were Scythe, Rayth, and Angela ever really freinds? Scythe seemed to resent her a lot and Rayth didn't seem to care much. And they were so easy to forget their friendship which Cancer at one point called obsessive. Angela wasn't remotely upset when Scythe supposedly died (understandble I guess when you factor the attempted rape and the fact that she thought they were trying to kill her and Tyson and all of that) but after a point I didn't feel like they had ever been friends. It was like the first few chapters they were completely different people. Again, mabye I missed the point and that was it- that they'd changed so much, or that it was all a lie and a forged friendship. But if this were true, why did Scythe seem so apologetic after he cut Angela with the knife in the earlier chapter? And why did he carve their names in the tree, and why did he write Forgive us our sins on their wall?

3. Why was Angela so central to Scythe's plot to balance himself- as in, why was it her or him going to hell? And Cancer's revenge for Eleanor Hambridge? I don't see the connections.

4. Was Cancer going to push Anglea off the lighthouse at the end?

Sorry- I seemed to have not grasped a lot of the story, which is annoying me a bit. Again, I apologize for my rambling- I'm sure you have better things to do than read my long-winded comments but its just my appreciation for your greatness. :)

Is preditor skyth...consumer ryth (I spelt it wrong lol) and the producer Cancer? or something like thaa ?

i love love LOVE this story, but at the same time i'm ridiculously confused. haha. i mean... i kind of get it. but does Cancer ACTUALLY like Angela? or is he still pretending? and also, is Angela's dad actually dead? or what happened to him? and how did he die? and what WAS the plan between scythe and cancer exactly? ahh man, probably i'm just missing heaps of things i should already know! but still, this story is ridiculously awesome and fantastic and creepy! i was reading some of it at night before and then i almost screamed when my phone started ringing, it freaked me out so much. you're an amazing writer! and i think its a great idea to try and get this published. i loved all of it though, so i can't suggest any particular chapters i liked more. anyway, if you do end up writing a FAQ thing then i'll really interested to read it! because i'd love for this to all fit together in my head nicely.

thanks for the amazing ride!

At first when I read this I didn't get the ending at all, but I also hadn't read the story in a really long time, so I went back and only read all the italicized parts and it makes more sense, however I'm not totally clear on what happened with the whole Hambridge thing and why Cancer wants revenge. So, I would be super happy if you put that in the faq. Anyway, I loved this story, and your one of the only really good sort of dark writers left, because everyone is bailing away from fp so kudos for staying on.

erm wow...honestly, i think your story is too clever for me to understand everything. i still love it though. ;) good luck with the publishing- you'll easily get it. do you have to leave fp? i kinda want you to finish euphoria and do your new story (selfish of me, i know). maybe finish euphoria first. and then do yur new story. ack, sorry can't decide. i'll love whatever you do anyway. ;)

I have to say this was a really great story. The way how you write, view the world is very interesting. I have to say though that I still am very confused, so here come the questions: :)

1)Why did Scythe's father try to kill him? Why him? And what kind of significance did the rats have to the father? How did Scythe survive?

2) Why does Scythe want revenge on Angela? I get why he would want revenge on her mom but not her. Does it have to do with the whole the descendents of the anscestors get punished for the anscestor's sins? Or is it because she didn't save him all those years ago so he feels she needs to know exactly how it feels to go through such pain and not have anyone save her?

3) Why exactly did Rayth kill Lyn? Is it because of some weird jealousy issue...? And in the last scene with Rayth, why did he say "what have you done?" and who was the question really directed to? Angela or Cancer?

4) What exactly does Scythe mean that if Angela lives then he (he who?) wins but if she dies then he(Scythe) might win? Win what exactly?

Okay I believe that that's about it...maybe. :)

I hope you have a FAQ. Like I said I really loved the story, the complexity of the characters and the plot was really different and unique to what I've seen on fictionpress and I hope you continue to create many more stories like this. :)

AH. i get it.

this is such an amazing story (:

Cancer Predator

Scythe Consumer

Rayth Producer

so basically..

Angela, her little sister, and Scythe product of her mother and the hubbard father..?

Cancer starts off with the plan but falls in love with Angela right? the end goal of the group plan was to get Angela to sin (adultery the rape thing.. kill? scythe?).. but then Cancers real plan was to get revenge on the hubbard family?..

so the dad put scythe there b/c .. he hated him? or what?

such a good story. but its kind of confusing ahah.. :)

wow. this is amazing. i love it.

I saw this story on quite a few fave lists and decided to check it out. I was really glad I came across it when it was done :) and was pleasantly surprised to find another wonderfully dark tale on FP. I was hooked and read it from start to finish.

Your style vaguely reminds me of Francesca Lia Block's older work (particularly Violet & Claire), multi-layered and exotically named characters who stand for ideas.

I was an occasional reader on FP without an account a few years ago, and when I came back I was sad to see that a few pathetic plagiarizers had ruined readership here and run most of the best writers away. I hope that you'll continue to post here (there aren't enough good horror writers!) but if you feel the need to protect your work, then by all means do what you think is best.

Thanks for sharing and I hope to see you on bookshelves one day! :)

So does Cancer love Angela?

She thinks 'Cancer' is a weird name? When the other guy's name was Scythe? Seriously? Because really, Scythe is NOT a normal name. Unless it's a nickname or something.

Really though, this first chapter hooked me. I'm interested in Cancer. It's such a strange place to be playing a piano. You certainly know how to set a mood. I'm off to Chapter 3!