|Reviews for The Domestic Deceased|
| crazy dog events chapter 1 . 8/28/2006
The very first sentence was brilliant. very good hook. There were a few others that caught my eye, down the line, and the plot is satisfactory. As far as criticism, I'd have to say that you rely too heavily on dialogue. That makes a story choppy, and there are other ways to indicate what people have said to each other. Such as 'he tells her.' Because of all the dialogue, all your pragraphs are rendered short. I used to have this problem a lot, as well, and while it shouldn't really make a difference, I've noticed it always does. There are a few non-dilaogue paragraph that I feel could be consolidated, as well.
Sentence structure is largely ok, here, but I'd work on the punctuation a little- mostly on commas, because you haven't used them quite enough, and the regular pauses can't be 'heard.'
Anyway, I'm sorry if I've been too critical, but you should at least know I don't bother to review things that seem beyond hope. This has promise.